Post # 1
I am continuously having problem with one of my bridesmaid. She seems unhelpful and to be frank not acting as a good friend that I thought she was. I never hear from her and when I do she post her comments on Facebook or just send me a text. We are both on the same phone network so it is not like she is wasting minutes talking to me. She would never call me about the wedding, didn’t make it to any of the bridesmaids dress and the wedding dress shopping appointment even though we planned it in advanced. I finally sat down with her face to face to talk about what was going on with her. She told me that 2009 was a stressful year for her. She had broken up with her boyfriend back in August and her job was also stressing her out. She admitted to feeling envious that all her friends were getting married and that she was the only single friend left in our group. And when was it going to be her time.
I asked her if being a bridesmaid was too much of a burden on her. I explain to her that if it was too much, then I will be fine with her attending the wedding as a close friend then a bridesmaid who I would feel have let me down and not supported me. I offered her a way out. I thought that we had cleaned the air as she chose to stay on as the maid of honor.
One of our mutual friends told me that she is going around complaining about her expenses (She has not yet purchased the bridesmaid dress and the wedding is in March) and how she doesn’t have enough time to come to both the shower and the bachelor party (she lives 2 ½ hrs away). I explained to her that since she is driving in from out of town she can just attend one thing. Now one of my other bridesmaids is telling me that she e-mailed my MOH and is suggesting that we end the bachelor party by 10:00pm!!
I initially offered her a way out but now I am seriously thinking about asking her to step down. She is really stressing me out and I don’t feel comfortable having her in my wedding anymore. Has anyone ask one of their bridesmaids to step down? How did it turn out well for everyone? Also, were you relieved?
Post # 3
Wait, who suggested to end the bachelorette party by 10:00pm? I was confused by the way you wrote your post.
Well, I always say not to ask a BM to step down unless you are willing to not be friends with her anymore. Because that is what will happen. And really, the only reasons that are acceptable to disown a friend include her trying to get with your FI or doing something malicious, trying to ‘ruin’ you.
An unresponsive BM deserves to be given an option to back out, which you already did. Other than that, you can try to have another talk with her and bring up what you’ve heard (her complaining, etc.), but be prepared for a cat fight.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t ask her to step down. We had to ask a groomsman to step down, and it was the most awful experience ever.
Your friend isn’t the ideal BM, but she’s not horrible, either. As long as she gets her dress and attends the wedding rehearsal and actual wedding, that’s all you can really expect from her. It does truly sound like she’s going through a lot, and she’s just not handling it well, which puts you in a rough spot.
The groomsman we had to ask to step down spread awful, horrible rumors about my husband and I, sent my husband nasty e-mails saying nasty things about him and refused to answer our calls, e-mails and texts for four months straight. When we finally got ahold of him, he miraculously wanted to still be in the wedding, but we had to ask him to step down. The friendship ended, as predicted, and it was an awful situation I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But it came down to respect and we knew this person’a true feelings toward us, and they were really hurtful and unjustified.
It’s of course up to you, but because your wedding is in March, it seems like it’s best to just suck it up and put up with your friend for the next few months to keep the peace with everyone.
Post # 5
I think it will be fine if you ask her to step down. This is your wedding and you deserve to have bridesmaids that CARE and want to make you happy. This is too much of a task for your friend because her actions speak louder than words.
Ask her to step down nicely and respectfully. You aren’t being “mean”, you are being “Real”; she is obviously not happy about being a bridesmaid, so relieve her of the duty. If she is a true friend, she will understand and attend the wedding along with others.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
Post # 6
It sounds like she’s having a rough time of it so I’d cut her a break. I feel like the only thing you should expect of her is to get the dress and show up for the RD and the wedding. BM expenses can be rough if you’re not in a good position financially and, yes, she did agree to be a BM, but perhaps try to be a bit more sensitive to the fact that she had a rough year. She broke up with her BF and it is understandable that she doesn’t want to deal with wedding talk. Just make sure she gets her dress. In your situation, I wouldn’t say drop her. She’s not doing anything terrible.
Post # 7
My best friend (for whom I am the MoH) had this exact situation almost with her Matron of honor. She wasn’t being responsive, she wasn’t excited, she wasn’t answering my friend’s phone calls, and she wasn’t very dependable: as in, in the span of 2 months, Matron of honor promised to come to two different events – friend’s birthday and friend’s engagement party – and then backed out last minute. My friend started to think, “What if she does this for the rehearsal dinner? The actual wedding?”
To me, I think having a bridesmaid is just having your very best friends show up to the wedding and stand there supporting you. To my friend, however, she really wanted a team of girls who would take responsibility for certain things, be available, etc. So she chose to remove Matron of honor from her bridal party. It just depends on what you want from your girls, really.
To conclude…. they have not spoken since. I echo other girls when I say that if you do this, you will not be friends anymore. You could have a mediocre bridesmaid, or lose a friend. It is your choice. (And honestly, sometimes the latter is the better choice. Only you can make that decision.)
Post # 8
@Miss Chapstick- Im sorry for your awful experience, but I would have been happy that I asked that so-called friend to step down. Everything happens for a reason and he wasn’t in your wedding for likely that reason! He was evil, immature, and envious. If he didn’t do that to you all then, he just would have done it later and you guys would have to see his horrible face everytime you looked at your wedding pics!
Post # 9
To answer “moderndaisy” question. The difficult bridesmaid wanted the bachelor party to end by 10pm so that she can go out dancing with her salsa friends. I hate to say it but the bachelor party is not just about her. To me it’s about spending time with a group of my closest friends!!
My finance has suggested that we keep her in the wedding to avoid a bad situation and for me to only expect her to show up for the wedding and nothing else. But I am getting so stressed about the whole thing that I am starting to show physical sign of stress!! We just attended one of our mutual friend’s wedding and being around her was very uncomfortable. I understand that she had a rough past year but all this negative comments she keep saying about how she doesn’t believe in marriage and that all men eventually cheats is starting to get old. To me a wedding day is about sharing the happiest time of your life with a group of people who support you and wish you the best not someone who is going to continue to make negative comments about marriage.
Post # 10
It’s a tough call. Like others have said, if you’re prepared to lose her as a friend and you really don’t want her standing next to you, then ask her to step down.
I had to ask my MOH to step down. The situation was completely different, besides her not being supportive of the wedding, stressing me out, etc. she was also living in my house at the time. She took advantage of the situation and it ended up hurting our friendship. Ultimately, I decided that not only did I not want someone standing next to me on my wedding day that made me feel that way and stressed me out, but also that I wasn’t sure I really wanted as a friend. So, I asked her to step down and attend as a guest. She backlashed and told me she wouldn’t attend my wedding, she never approved of my relationship with my hubby and a lot more harsh statements and that was that. I never responded to her being so mean, I left it alone, because I knew it would cause more stress and hurt for both of us. To this day, we arent’ friends. It’s been only 7-8 months, but I doubt we will be friends again.
Good luck. Either way, things have a way of working out.
Post # 11
@SkyBeauty: Thanks 🙂 It’s always good to hear you’re justified in your actions, you know?
We tried to give that person the benefit of the doubt a LOT because his behavior came out of nowhere. He used to be the nicest person, so we were wondering if something else was going on, and he was just taking it out on us. But enough is enough. It’s been four months since our wedding, and we’ve since found out this person was extremely jealous, and he’s not happy in his own marriage. Yikes.
Post # 12
It is a hard situation… but if you are good enough friends, it won’t come between you.
I honestly JUST had this situation yesterday.
A dear friend of mine was supposed to be a BM in my wedding, but since she and her bf started dating, she’s paid little attention to me. And it’s been all about her and her bf and getting his visa so he can move here, then they got engaged a couple months after me (I was excited for her!), and our weddings are now one week apart! It was pretty coincidental.
Anyway, I was feeling let down and like she wasn’t excited for me or paying attention, then I started thinking of the impending stress for both of us. I was supposed to be her MOH as well. So I would have her bridal shower, then bachelorette and rehearsal only a week before my wedding! stress? yeah haha. So I met face-to-face with her yesterday and voiced my concerns, and she took it so well. She said she was sorry if she let me down and she didn’t realize she wasn’t being much of a friend. I said I was concerned it’d be too much stress for the both of us and we talked it through and figured things out.
So girls there definitely is a possibility of not losing the friendship over it, I thought I would honestly, but I was honest but gentle about it. And she understood and didn’t want to lose our friendship either.
It was nice.
I hope all goes well hon!
Post # 13
I think you need to give it serious thought before you ask her to step down. It’s very likely that it will end your friendship altogether. Is it worth it to you?
Since the wedding is in March, if it were me, I would try to shrug it off and keep things as is.
Post # 14
If she’s not making things too overly difficult, I wouldn’t ask her to step down. My fiance told me I had to ask two of my bridesmaids to step down because there were too many (according to him) and I rarely ever spoke to them. One of the girls went nuts and cussed me out, the other asked me if she could be my photographer instead(for free!) I hated that experience though.
Post # 15
well, we didnt exactly ask her to step down. we told her she had to buy the BM dress by a specific day, she promised she would. welllll she didnt. he asks her if she can get it, she says no car. then says all bitchy, “well fuckk it, count me out cuz apparantly i cant be in” trying to turn it on us. so to just have to headache for me he doesnt want her in it anymore. its his sister btw. shes out of control. i wish she wouldnt even come to the wedding. she needs to be in a mental hospital, literally.
im just worried about FIL’s being crazy saying how i didnt have her and blahhhhhh. WELLLLLL I TRIED!!! so at least its not like i never asked her.