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Well, we haven't had the official conversation yet, but it's imminent. It's with a GM, not a bridesmaid. I think our problem was that we chose to ask him so early...and this person has been someone who is notorious for flaking out on us and causing drama. We learned our lesson!!
@Amandalynn, Exactly... I think it should say in the "Wedding Planning" handbook(if there was an official one-lol) that you CANNOT choose your wedding party until 3 months before.. maybe 2 months.. That was MY mistake, I chose my MOH prematurely, and time and space turned us away from each other.
Yeah - we really regret that decision now! Luckily, FI hasn't asked anyone else yet other than his brother, and my only BMs are either family or my one best friend who I know isn't going anywhere!
Wow, I feel so badly for you girls! If the person I thought of as my best friend and asked to be my MOH ended up being so bad at it that I felt like I had to kick her out... I can't even imagine what that would feel like. :(
@marigold, it IS bad. rly bad in fact. My friend{or now Ex friend :( } just didn't care anymore it seemed... and honestly I dont think i did either... It made me feel bad at first but when she showed her true colors it made me see what kind of a "friend" she really was.. And she was supposed to be my BFF too... Weddings do weird things to friendships.. :/
Exactly the same scenario as your situation. She didn't seem interested at all, and when I sent emails regarding dresses or anything else, there was no response. And mind you, I'm saying 2 emails. Not like, daily barrage of insane bridezilla-ism.
So finally, 3mths out, i very nicely told her "Why don't you come as a guest instead, just enjoy yourself".She said okay. period.
Then i got a nasty rant in my email saying "what did I expect from her", that in the last wedding she was involved in, she just had to turn up the morning of the wedding.
Ah well. Sadly, she's also now an ex-friend, by her choosing, not mine.
Interestingly, my husband said he already saw it coming. I guess when he pointed out the signs, I realized that we were no longer as close as I still believed. How silly. But yeah, 13 years of friendship... poof!
But you know what, it could be a good thing for you too.
Helps you appreciate better all the OTHER people who are genuinely happy & excited for you. All the best! 
This makes me feel so much better, like I was telling Mrspaetz, I posted this same situation on weddingbook on facebook and it took a completely OTHER direction. Like, the day it happened, before I came to weddingbee, I was a devout member of weddingbook on facebook, and I posted my problem there. For the first 7 or so responses, the girls were like Yay! Good job for gettin rid of her... blah blah blah... Then one girl is like" You can't just fire a friend, it doesnt work like that!"... and I was like "what? did you not just read ALL OF THE ABOVE of what she HASN'T done?"... She was just like..." Yeah, well, She's still your friend"... Friends dont treat each other like that.... Anyway, the comments went downhill from there... They made me feel TERRIBLE about what I had done.. People were calling me a selfish B****, and everything else... It was bad... it was the last post I had posted on weddingbook...before I found weddingbee.... I was honestly almost afraid to post my situation here, thinking I would get the same reaction....
I haven't kicked anyone out. My MOH is seriously my best friend, and she is a great support system. None of my bridesmaids live in the same state as each other, much less the same state as me. So, they've been helping from afar. My MOH has a lot on her plate, and honestly, she's let me down. I needed a lot of feedback and help in the beginning planning stages, and she totally immersed herself in...well...herself.
I wouldn't kick her out, because I tend to feel that she is there to stand up with me on that day, and I know that she will come through for me in the end. She has already apologized for being unavailable and told me that she will be hitting the ground running when she gets here - earlier than the other girls, mind you.
I do have two amazing BMs who have picked up the slack and stepped in to save the planning nightmare day numerous times. One of them even flew in as a surprise for my shower. Those girls have really been on the ball. So, I almost feel guilty about one of them not being MOH. I might get them a special present on the side from the others. Sssshhhh.
Aww, see thats really sweet. :) But my MOH didn't seem like she wanted to be there for me at all.. Its wasnt that she couldn't, she had plenty of opportunities, she just didnt want to....so I asked her to step down... I hated to do that, but, She was being nasty about the situation... :( She never apologized if she couldnt make it anywhere, and she would cancel last minute. One time she even stood me up somewhere with NO way to reach her and see where she was.. I was there TWO hours before I saw her on myspace and msged her, she said she was at her brothers and wouldn't be making it.... It was a very bad experience for me. :(
I have kicked a BM out unfortunately. But it was THE BEST decision for my wedding! She was very controlling, wanting only the style of dress she wanted which was short Tea Length and I didn't want that.
I felt if the girls wore short they needed heels. Well all of them would be 2 inches taller or more than my fiance in that case, so I told the girls to go ahead and check out dresses in a long style and decide. Well they all did and found a beatuiful bm dresses that they love! Well all except for her and she just got really bitter about it. Then when I told her we weren't doing cake for the wedding she thought we were selfish to not offer cake to our guests, instead we are doing a ice cream float bar. Mainly Root Beer Floats. My fiance and I don't like cake, so why have. She was irrate when I chose truffle dresses for a summer wedding and I couldn't handle teh stress of a whiny bridesmaid. So i politely asked her to step down. We weren't friends for about 2 months but now it has all settled down.
I didn't think I was unreasonable and thought that I would be much happier without her.
I demoted a co maid of honor and she is on her way to being kicked out if she dosnt striaghten up. To much dramma for no reason. She is jealious of me and the wedding so she want to be a pain. I mentioned something about her bring jealious and she stratightend up but we will see.
I had a similar issue with a former friend.
The day after I got engaged, I asked her to be my Maid of Honor and she agreed and was really excited. The first couple of months were just my fiance and I making big decisions about our guest list, the reception site, and so forth, so I wasn't a bridezilla, demanding that my friend do anything for us.
The first time I went to look at dresses a month after I got engaged, she asked if she could try on dresses and I said, "Yeah, if it's just you and me, I don't care. We'll just have fun." The next day, when she showed up, it turned out to be me, my mom, my future mother-in-law, my future sister-in-law, and my friend. So obviously she shouldn't have been trying on dresses, but while I was in the dressing room, she was in another checking out wedding gowns on herself. Whenever I asked for her opinion on something, she'd snipe back or insult something my fiance and I liked. It was just weird.
A couple days later, she met a guy and immediately fell head over heels for this dude, and then sent me an email with a laundry list of reasons why she couldn't be a Maid of Honor. She said that she had to go to help her pregnant sister raise her kids because her sister needed to be on bed rest, so all summer she would be out of town on the weekends.. she said that her mom and step-father were fighting and she was thinking that they were going to end up moving and she would have to find somewhere else to live.. she said that she was trying to pick up hours at work and she couldn't make plans in the afternoons to hang out and grab dinner and talk about the wedding.. and so forth. I emailed her back and said, "If you still want to be the Maid of Honor, it's cool. My mom wants to throw my bridal shower and I don't need a bachelorette party. Just show up for the rehearsal and the day of, and you and I will find a day to go get your dress together." She emailed me back and said, "I just don't think I can handle that right now." About a week or two later, she was flooding Facebook with pictures of trips she was taking with this new guy on the weekends and status updates about where they were going next.. and I was really hurt, so I basically cut off contact with her.
I still don't know what her problem was, but someone else confided in me that my former friend had a lot of hurtful things to say about me and how I didn't deserve to get married. Eh. Whatever.
Sometimes, I think friendships outgrow themselves. Marriage is a big step and it's a big change. Some friendships can weather that change, and some don't even feel any different. Then you have the friendships that fall apart or dissipate because it's just their time. I think mine was like that, and it might be for other girls, too.
@Sn01uh, wow. Thats crazy! yea, I really like what you said about that some friendships can't handle one of the friends getting married... I think thats what happened with my friend too... Oh well, time shall pass, and hopefully, eventually things will be okay.
MrsSpinella09: If the friendship is meant to last, it will rebound and things will be alright. My former friend and I don't speak anymore like we used to, but we are civil (since we work in the same office) and it's fine. We're not friends, but that's okay. She's hanging out in bars and I'm planning a wedding. People change, people grow, and life goes on. I hope that your friend comes around, but don't beat yourself up if she doesn't. A real friend wouldn't put you through this crap. *Big hugs*
Thanks Sn01uh, I really appreciate it. *hugs back*
Brides, tell us also if you're WANTING to kick someone out because they're just not being very supportive to the whole "wedding" atmosphere.
I wrote in a previous post about how I felt my MOH and I were growing apart. The bees encouraged me to have a talk with her, and I did. She acknowledged she was so busy and tried to make time for all her friends. However, at that point I hadn't seen her in over a month. We both said how much we cared about each other, and the situatino seemed resolved. That was about a month ago. Now the old behavior on her part is coming back. I am trying to make plans to go shopping for BM dresses, and she is "unavailable" for the whole month of November!!! She also told me she was always too tired to go out after work during the week, even for a quick coffee, but then I see pics of her out with her other friends during the week all the time.
I am really devestated over the way our friendship has turned. I don't want to seem like a pathetic friend who needs to drop what I am doing just to see her once a month (IF she isn't too busy). I don't know if I can bring myself to give her the boot. I made the mistake of picking my bridal party immediately after I got engaged - I was too excited. Who would have known we would have grown apart over the course of a year when we were previously so close?
My other BM have been super though, especially one in particular. However, they can't go shopping for BM dresses with me as they live in other provinces.
I had a friend who thought she was going to be in my wedding but I didn't choose her. Our friendship was less than satisfactory and I'm sorry, but I really don't feel like I need to fulfill a statement I made to you freshman year of high school. Needless to say, I got her RSVP the next day. A big ol' X right through the decline. She also proceded to text me saying that I was a bad friend along with a lot of other choice words. I knew the friendship was long overdue to end when the only emotion I felt was annoyance. Pure annoyance that she was acting so immature. After that it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders because I knew I didn't have to worry or think about her anymore. Life happens. People change. It is what it is. :)
It's not something I would do. But I have a very different view of the bridal party than most people do. And I guess I will be the first in this thread to disagree...
I don't think inviting someone to be a bridesmaid is about them having to act in any way towards the bride than they ordinarily would. I think you ask them because they are important to you and you want them to stand up as a witness to your marriage. I don't even like the terms "kicking out" or "letting go" because it makes it seem like bridesmaids are your employees or a member of some club that you are in charge of rather than just your best friends and family.
Sure, you can tell someone you don't want to be their friend anymore, and I think that telling someone you don't want them in your bridal party is doing just that. So any reaction that person has is pretty justified considering they have just been told you don't want them to be your friend anymore. I think the only reason people have so many problems with their bridesmaids is that a lot of brides expect that their bridesmaids will literally be their maids during the length of the engagement. All they need to do is wear the dress and show up. Yes, it is exciting that you are getting married, but you can't expect anyone else, even those closest to you, to match that level of excitement.
People seem so quick to let go of friendships because of how their friends handled their wedding when I bet they would take the time to work through the issues if they were not wedding related. My wedding party is the most important people to me! I would never want my wedding to be the thing that ends my relationship with them.
Short of sleeping with my fiance, I would try work through any issues that arose with the people closest to me in planning the wedding.
I'm in a wedding as the MOH in 2 weeks. We had an awful time with one BM. We all agreeded to host a shower together. I setup a planning meeting to discuss who would contribute what. This BM didn't show but said she would send me a check to cover her part of the shower plus be there the night of to help host. Well I never received the check nor did she show-up to the shower. She didn't call etc. We later found out that she went out with her boyfriend instead. Fast forward to two weekends ago when we had 2 showers for the bride, hosted by his family and her family. The bride told all of us she didn't expect us to attend both showers but would love us to be there. All of us except this same BM made it to both showers. The BM never called for the first shower and then for the second shower she texted me to let me know that she couldn't make it. Never called the bride. I am not friends with this BM so I thought it was odd for her to call me and not the bride. So the bride couldn't stand it was so upset and worried that this BM wouldn't even show for the wedding.
She ended-up asking her to step down. I'm glad she did because the bride was able to enjoy the Bachelorette party last weekend and seems more relaxed now.
You can read about it on my posts.
@Jocyln3476, I think that is absolutely WONDERFUL that you have such helpful friends, and when I chose my MOH a year and a half ago, I felt the same way... I really wish it could have worked out like yours have, but she just didnt seem like she was interested in the friendship anymore.. that was the worst part I think... Its not that I expected a lot from her as a MOH... I expected a little from her as a friend.... :(
@Mrs. Spinella: I'm so sorry to hear the troubles you had with one of your close friends. That really bites.
Basically, in anticipation of having similar problems myself, I am FIRING my BMs before I even ask them! Even though I love them dearly.
I agree that weddings do really weird things to friendships. Especially if marriage is an issue -- and I have to say that while I absolutely LOVE all my best female friends, and they have offered to help with the wedding, I also know them and know in my heart that it would not be easy for them. It's not even jealousy, in the sense that they are happy for me, but everytime I mention the ring, the wedding, etc, it reminds them that they are not engaged. That hurts, I know cos I've been there. Also these friends are a very spread-out group who don't know each other well.
The other issue is that only a couple of these wonderful women would really be helpful; the others I think would be well meaning but add to the stress involved. I think asking someone to be in the bridal party is the same as asking them to help plan; and that means they should either a) share your (you & FH's) taste, or b) gracefully NOT tell you that they dislike your choices (like dissing a wedding dress you really like). I'm pretty sure very few of our friends are capable of this!
So if I asked them, I would end up regretting it very quickly. My FH feels the same way about his best friends -- he loves them, but they are too wild/busy raising kids/too far away to support him.
So it's just us then...we might have a wedding 'crew' of volunteer people to do designated tasks the day of. Just nothing formal.
Totally in envy of you ladies with wonderful bridal parties! Sigh. :)
I had to KICK OUT my matron of honor and one of my bridesmaids. They are actually my FI's cousins and the only reason I asked them was because I thought they were happy for him and they were alwasy very close growing up. Well they never had time to go look at dresses and about a month ago the one that was going to be the Matron got involved in an argument that had nothing to do with her and even ended up insulting me. I quickly took all of my FI's family out of my bridal party and am seriously considering even sending them an invite.
I honestly think that the ONLY reasons you should ask a BM to step down are if she tried to sleep with your FI or physically attacked another wedding party member. I also don't think you should be surprised if all the sudden your relationship goes downhill after asking that person to be a guest, since you've basically just said you don't consider them to be your friend anymore and you're ending the relationship.
FI's sister was a BM but picked fights about REALLY stupid things. After a stupid fight she refused toapologize, wouldn't speak to me, and told FMIL she didn't want to be in our "stupid wedding" and wouldn't spend money to do it. So I simply took her off our wedding website and called it a day. I never even told HER she was out.. since she wouldn't talk to me, when FMIL told me what she had said I said, ok well she can get her wish. SO glad... we have made up now (sort of, I still think she's worthless but I don't feel like fighting all the time), but I know how full of drama she is and I couldn't count on her to not do something like that again and ruin the wedding with drama.
@JohnsBride09, Yeah, I mean, I hated that me and my MOH had grown apart over the year that we didnt get to see each other at all really... but she wasn't the girl I had asked the year before.... She didnt seem interested in being in the friendship anymore, so I gave her an easy way out.
Okay, here's my story:
I just booted my sister as a bridesmaid. I should preface this by saying we have never really gotten along (I was mainly trying to do the "right" thing and keep peace in the family) and our main issue has always been that she is a mooch and while she makes a very decent living, she's always crying poverty and asking my parents (who really can not afford to help her) for money for rent, car payments, etc. She recently hit my grandma up for $1.000+ and even had the nerve to ask her to overnight the check.
With that said, I had only asked her about a month ago and we had about 3 run ins already. She had no interest at all in anything wedding related. As soon as I would bring it up she would make comments like "I'll probably never get married." or ignore me when I tried to explain how things work...like how we'd take some photos right after ceremony as everyone went in for cocktail hour...she told me "oh that's okay, I'll bring a flask". YEP, she really said that.
Then she browsed through some emails I sent to our other sister (my MOH) when we were both looking at potential bridesmaid dresses. I had no idea she had even seen anything yet and she blindsided me through numerous text messages that didn't like the dress colors, didn't want to wear strapless and that they were expensive ($100-150). She told our other sister she didn't have the money and since everything I picked was "so expensive", she better start "saving". (Mind you I was paying for shoes accessories, hair, etc. and my parents will surely pick up her travel expenses, all she had to pay for was the dress). She complained about the $ to my mother as well. Yet, she has money to go out to bars with friends and buy a snazzy new cell phone and upgrade her cell plan to internet capabilities. You get the drift.
When I told her we found the BM dresses and where to buy hers (Nordstrom and they freakin turned out to be on sale for $74 from $138) she informed me the weding was over 10 months away and she wasn't going to buy a dress right this second. Tried to let her know that the same dress may not be available in the future and especially since it's on sale, but she didn't care.
Yeah, that was about the end of it. Actually, she made it easy on me. I asked her very nicely to please let me know if the expenses and the timeline involved in being in the wedding was going to be difficult for her and she flipped out on me told me she didn't appreciate me concerning myself with her financial situation, told me I was selfish and then carried on with some more nasty words. I told her to hit the road and she informed me she wouldn't want to be in the wedding of a person like me anyway and that my selfishness was going to bite me in the a$$ someday. Needless to say she will not be invited as a guest either, but I feel about 100 lbs lighter after losing this load off my back!
Do I regret it?
I bought a nice bottle of wine and my fiance and I toasted to it! Good riddance! Who needs that crap?
I am so glad you girls are talking about this. Just yesterday I decided that I don't want one of my BM in our wedding anymore. She is so negative and complains. She hates the color of the dresses, she wants to be dressed "to the nine" (her words, hello!!!MY WEDDING) and when I showed her my dress she said "oh" . Its mandatory that the BM should at least pretend to love the brides dress. She is such a complainer I just want her out. I feel like the day will be so much less stressful to not have her there. I just haven't figured out how to tell her and still keep the friendship. Any ideas??
Hi Ladies,
I haven't officially kicked out one of my bridesmaid, but it's pretty mutual that we won't be speaking to one another for a long time.
Basically, she's my best guy friend's gf. I only asked her to be in my wedding because she was close friends (at one point) with my other bridesmaid, AND it was out of respect for my guy friend. Things turned sour between us when she accused me of controlling my guy friend and giving him negative advice (ex: she thought I was trying to break them up). To make a long story short, my guy friend and her had lots of relationship problems and so my guy friend would come to me and vent. All I did was listen, never *told* him what to do.
After a close break up, they are still together. I have lost my close guy friend because of this (she wont' let me see him, and he doesn't want to ruffle her feathers anymore on this topic), and I don't intend to apologize or make an effort to patch things up with her (I seriously got thrown under the bus on this one, and I expect her to apologize-which won't happen).
Anyways, I am cutting her out of the wedding, and everyone else knows. I never expected this to happen, but I guess a lot can change 7 months before a wedding eh?
*big sighs*
I think the lesson we should all learn from this is that rather than ask someone out of obligation or because you feel pressured into it, you should trust your gut and just not do it in the first place. Atleast I can say that's the case for me for sure! I knew I was asking for a whirlwind of sh*t asking my sister, but because I didn't want to upset my mother and grandmother, I decided to suck it up and do it.
There is so much more to my story than what I posted above, but that was the condensed version. In any case, i think it turned out being much more upsetting for my mother to have my sister call and slam the phone in her face over and over during all of her temper tantrums, blaming her for everything related to my wedding, and then beg for some more $ (after being so nasty!) when she already owes my parents bundles they'll never see again. We all knew this would happen and even discussed it before hand but we tried to do the "right thing" anyway. We knew it wasn't the right thing for us all along.
I think those that say they would "never" do such a thing unless the girl cheated with her fiance have probably been lucky enough (or smart enough from the get go...I'll give them that...I was stupid for sure!) to never have encountered such a situation.
The bottom line is that if you have someone that is making you miserable during what should be the most important time of your life...How good of a friend are they anyway? I do agree with the post by Joceyn up above where she stated that telling someone you don't want them to be a part of your bridal party anymore is pretty much telling them you don't want to be their friend any longer. Though really, if you aren't getting along, or they aren't being supportive of you and/or they are making you miserable, what kind of friendship is that anyway?
I mean, two years ago my sister told me she hopes I die and she won't be coming to my funeral...She is a nasty person that I can do without...sister or not. Sometimes you just need to know when to cut your losses and move on.
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Have any of you Bee's actually had to go to the extremes of kicking a BM or MOH out? I did. My MOH was not being very MOH-ey, and didn't even make it to my bridal shower that my FMIL had to arrange, and she never hung out with me ever. She avoided doing wedding stuff, or anything really, and everything was always about her....So 2 months til the wedding, after the year of her not helping me as a bride or a friend for that matter, I told her that I didnt think it was best for her to be in my wedding anymore because she needed "her" time. She acted fine about it at first on the phone call, but then tention kept building between us, and she eventually told me that she didn't have time for my "little wedding" and that she was done with me because apparently thats what I pretty much told her when I asked her to step down as MOH....
Has anyone else had this problem and actually asked them to step out? If so, Why? Do you regret it?
{FYI--After her getting mad at me and telling me she didn't have time for my "little wedding" I dont regret it anymore.}