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I'll be honest, I'm a lot puzzled by the notion that a wedding is something that can be stated independently of the act of getting married. When you get married, that is your wedding. If you want to have a celebration after that, I think its fine, but yes, you should tell your guests that you're already married.
I don't think (or I hope at least) that anyone will judge you for your decision to get married now. Medical insurance while you're pregnant is absolutely necessary. That being said, you should be honest with your guests about what's happening. Don't keep it a secret and pretend that your wedding is your actual your marriage. It would technically be a vow renewl and a celebration of the marriage, and that's perfectly fine! You can have both your court house marriage and you're big wedding party just don't try to lie.
i think mrs. jellyfish and mrs. moonbeam both got legally married before having the "party wedding"--i think that's totally fine. (i did too, but only by a few days) in terms of telling people to keep it hush, it's really up to you. i would hope that your friends/family would understand and it wouldn't matter to them that you got legally married before the big party--i mean, they still get to go to a party, right? no reason to complain!
it is your wedding, your way, however you'd like to do it. there is no right way, no wrong way. keep it to yourselves should you wish, shout it from the rooftops should you wish.
your marrige begins the day you say "i do." your wedding can be celebrated however and whenever it is best for you.
congratulations for all the exciting things happening!
I told my parents and they are fine with it, however I have some VERY judgmental relatives who will rip us apart for our choice. They wouldn't care that I was pregnant at the wedding but they would care if I had a JOP wedding. That's just how they are.
I kind of feel that the big party is more about our guest anyways. Like a big family reunion.
I think you should do what makes YOU feel comfortable. It sounds like you feel like you might be uneasy with not telling people, so perhaps you can make it a vow renewal? I think you could do something really beautiful with including the baby once it's born, as well :-).
This is a situation that is much more common these days, and is yet another example of how out of touch with reality etiquette rules are. Do what works best for you - it's your celebration and your marriage. Also, CONGRATS on the baby!!
I had 2 ceremonies due to immigration (my husbands family couldn't afford to travel here for the ceremony in the time frame that we were required to have it in and family to both of us is very important) and I made sure that I was very up front about it from the moment that we realized that we'd have to have 2. Everyone involved in our 2nd wedding was there because they wanted to be there and were happy to be involved.
The civil ceremony was surprisingly nice and not at all what I had expected (we said vows, exchanged rings, did a first kiss) but the 2nd ceremony brought it all together with God, friends, and family all being there! I felt that each ceremony was very important to me in it's own way. If the 2nd one felt diminished at all it was only from reading comments from wedding forums. I had an amazing day on both days and don't have any regrets! :)
As to the keep it secret or telling people part - I'd tell them. I look at it as to how I would feel if I found out later that I'd been lied to whether by actual lie or by omission. In my experience, my friends and family ALL supported and encouraged our decision because they knew of the situation and what our very limited options were.
My April civil ceremony:
My October ceremony:
You need to do what's best for you, but be upfront about it with others. :) Feel free to pm me if you have any questions or want a friendly ear. :)
@Engaged_With_Love: My guy and I did a marriage commissioner (my little brother) since he was being sent to Germany for his military assignment and we had to wait to have our wedding so I could get approval to join him at his new duty station. Close family know we are legally married, but we didn't do anything special. We literally just signed paperwork on my parent's coffee table. We don't even feel truly married yet until our ceremony on January 1.
My advice is do what you feel is right, tell whom you think should know and if anyone asks why, give them an explanation you feel is appropriate. We told people the truth, that with having to move and get military paperwork done, we did the legal marriage first to get the process done so by January we could have a real wedding and I could go to Germany right after.
Oh, don't feel like you are faking it. Your ceremony will have elements that a JOP won't have, a spiritual connection, the point of you making the commitment together in front of your family and friends. You will not look bad and if someone says anything negative, they obviously don't know how to be loving and kind. You have a situation and you two are doing a great job in being responsible while still making an effort to have your own special day. Don't let anyone steal your wedding day away from you my dear.
As far as me feeling bad that I am already technically married, I don't. I have been away from my fiance for 5 months, so this wedding is a big celebration for us - it si a big deal for our families too! :)
Anyway... Blessings and joy for you and your fiance!
we're doing this (or we are partway through)
the beautiful thing about America is the separation of church and state.
so we did the civil marriage with zero fanfare--i even wore flip flops and he wore jeans. it's just a legal document. that is not the sacrament or religious commitment of marriage--they are really not the same thing.
just make sure you don't lie about it. keeping it a secret will be very difficult, and people will get really angry if they "missed" it.
let them know it's only a legal thing to you, that you don't mean to elope. that should help.
<3
congratulations to you on both counts--the forthcoming marriage and child. what a blessing!
I did this :) Only our parents were there for the JOP. A few close friends knew, and also knew the complicated reasons behind it. We asked people to not spread the word, but if anyone asked or somehow heard, we didn't lie about it - which means a fair number of people knew we were legal while we were still planning the wedding. I guess it didn't help that my husband wanted to wear his wedding band for about a month after the JOP ceremony :)
Despite a number of people knowing, I don't think getting the legalities out of the way early on took away from the wedding we celebrated with our friends and family in any way. Both ceremonies were special in their own way. I was worried that people would feel they were cheated out of the "real" ceremony or something like that, but that wasn't the case at all. The people who love and support you and your FI will respect your decision, and will make your wedding day just as special for you.
If it's hard to get all of your relatives on board - you can't please everyone. I know I tried to make a lot of concessions while wedding-planning to make other people happy... but since it's impossible to make everyone happy, you really have to do what's right for you and your FI.
@Engaged_With_Love: I got married this past Monday at the JP office and our wedding is still planned for April 2011 as well. Our immediate family and some friends already know. No, we didn't send a mass email or text telling everyone but if they ask we won't lie. We changed our Facebook status and I'm in the process of having my name changed on everything.
We chose not to share our personal vows at the civil ceremony because we wanted to save that moment for the wedding plus our kids will be involved in our April ceremony. We're still wearing our engagement rings as well. My husband is in the military and we needed to go ahead and get legally married for paperwork purposes. We were estatic on Monday and we're going to be even more estatic in April when all our family and friends can be there.
For me our April ceremony is going to be more emotional even though we're already married. My dream dress, the music, the vows, the dancing, my boys in their suits...that's what a "wedding" is all about not just having someone sign your marriage certificate.
You have to do what feels right for you and your FI even with your judgemental family. You have added responsibilities now and if they're not going to step up to the plate and pay for doctor's visits and whatever else you may need then whatever they said would fall on deaf ears to me. If you're able to still have your wedding in April then I would definitely do it. Don't cheat yourself and your FI just because you already have the same last name as you walk down the aisle.
Congrats to you and your FI on the baby too!!!
DSCI0006.JPG (1277.6 KB, 26 downloads) 1 year old
Thank you for all your comments. I am feeling better about the whole thing. I def. have some thinking to do. We already applied for our marriage license and picked it up so we are doing this. It wouldn't be bad if it happened a month or two before the wedding but we are cutting it close LOL.
I don't think I will lie about it if asked, however I'm not sure I am going to tell everyone I know. We have told some people. My parents said they won't say anything unless we tell them we are telling people and that is it my choice. As for some of our close friends they are telling be not to tell people because they will think it is a gift grab. I kind of don't understand that. If I was just wanting gifts I'd keep my $12,000 and go on one crazy shopping spree.
Well anyways you girls have made me feel better about our choice to make the best choice for our unborn child.
Yeah you definitely dont need to make a big announcement about it. Its not really anyone elses business... its your big day (s) ! hehe
So here's what my FI and I have done/are doing:
Were legally wed at JOP over the Thanksgiving holidays with only my father in attendance (because for some odd reason I thought we needed a witness). We did this for personal reasons I won't go into here. So according to the state and for legal reasons, yes we are Mr. and Mrs.
We aren't considering ourselves married at this point and aren't telling anyone. To me, it's important to have that public declaration of commitment before God (I'm semi-religious) to consider myself married. If anyone asks, I'm going to lie to them. Because most people don't seem to understand and I really don't want to take twenty minutes to explain to them why separation of church and state is glorious thing ;). I have enough explaining to do with other choices concerning the wedding (why don't I have a diamond E-ring? why am I going with a buffet? why am I not having a Catholic mass?) :)
The thing is, your wedding day is your day...your life is YOUR life. You have to do what is best for you. Not what everyone else in the world thinks is best.
And, just adding in my 2 cents as a public health person, getting health insurance is the best thing you can do for you and your baby! Congrats on the new addition! :)
"When you get married, that IS your wedding and you ARE husband and wife and MARRIED. Anything you do after that is not a wedding."
My sister had her WEDDING through justice of the peace a year before second fake wedding. She kept this fact hidden so that she could squeeze a big ceremony from our parents (all expenses paid). We all planned her second fake wedding for her and went through hellish stress not to mention her maid of honor backing out at the last minute (yep she picked someone else over me-her sister-the one that always saved her butt and bailed her out of trouble). I came to her rescue, yet again, at great expense since we all not only paid for her wedding but her honeymoon as well.
Years later i discovered why the maid of honor backed out, my sister was already married by a full year and the maid of honor not only considered the first civil wedding her real wedding but found it offensive that my sister was TRICKING her family into giving her a lavish ceremony!
When i confronted my sister she laughed, thought it was funny that it took years for me to find out since some family members knew years ago. The only family members that knew were mom and dad, who found out a few days after her fake second wedding. Mom & Dad decided to keep their mouths shut about it knowing full well that the rest of the family would be furious if they found out.
Civil or not the minute you say "I DO" in front of a person who is in a position to marry you THAT IS YOUR WEDDING! Anything you do after that is called RENEWING YOUR VOWS.
And for the record GOD doesn't only reside in a church, he's everywhere EVEN at your CIVIL WEDDING.
For those of you that say a CIVIL WEDDING is not a real wedding therefore you don't consider that being married, its a slap in the face of thousands of people that got married civially. So i guess their marriages are fake because they didnt have some fancy cinderella wedding? Because really that's what you are saying.
Further, from previous experience i can tell you that HIDING it from your family is deceitful, insulting and degrading to your own vows. Afterall, if you don't consider the civil ceremony a real wedding/real marriage then why the need to hide it?
Frankly I'm surprised at this negativity and pent up agression on this subject.
@Neutrina - I get that your sister has hurt you by leaving you out of the loop but that does not give you grounds to judge people who make the choice to have both JOP & a bigger wedding later.
I was married in a civil ceremony a few weeks ago and I am getting married in a month with the big church wedding. My FI is in the Army and we just wanted to be sure if anything happened we would be man and wife. This does not take away from our wedding at all. Also, it is out descision and we have only told a select few people that we are currently legally married. That is our choice. That is between the two of us.
I am totally happy with the choice we made. Only the two of you can decide. And you don't have to explain yourselves to anyone. I know a couple that gets married every year...and you are not allowed to call it a vow renewal either! they have one of the greatest relationships i have ever seen.
My pont is march to the beat of your own drummer. It is about your marriage and what the TWO of you are happy with.
@beebee17-
First-My sister hurting me (or NOT) is completely irrelevant to the point i am trying to make.
Second--I am not judging people i am simply warning and suggesting that HONESTY is the best policy.
Starting a marriage by being deceitful yourself, friends and family is no way to start a marriage. Diluting yourself into believing that a Civil wedding is not really a wedding/marriage or that somehow you are " not wedded" because your first wedding was in a courthouse vs the "cinderella wedding" in a church with a bunch of people followed by a grand reception, is dilusional thinking. The perpetuation of a fantasy that can backfire down the road when the rest of the family find out the truth and feel that you "duped" them.
You're right, everyone beats to the beat of a drummer. And i get that most ladies hide the fact that they are already married because they want "the wedding of their dreams".
And yes a "marriage" is just between two people. But a wedding ceremony? not necessarily. You see the minute you start involving others in your vow renewal (or what you call a wedding) such as brridesmaids, best man, made of honor, uncle vinnie etc. It's no longer just between the two of you. The minute "aunt Joanne" forks over a grand as a gift for you or cousin susan gives you that expensive breadmaker it's no longer between just "the two of you".
Just keep in mind that when you lie you put your desires first at the expense of the feelings of your family and friends. Eventually "secrets" such as these have a way of coming out. People don't like getting conned or feeling duped.
All i am saying to ladies that do this is prepared to lose some friends- when they eventually find out they were tricked and family members distancing themselves when they feel betrayed. Plus-do you really think its a good idea to start a relationship with your new in-laws on a bad note?
Marriage is a tough institution. TOUGH. Starting with a "clean slate" is critical--starting on a lie--not so good.
Personally, i would rather be HONEST with friends and family from the get go and if some chose not to show then so be it-- than to have my family/friends feel like i "conned" them.
And yes anyone that marries a week, a month or a year etc after a "civil wedding" is having a "vow renewal ceremony", regardless of how the vows read or how white the dress is-- considering that they are ALREADY MARRIED. Just like a duck will always be a duck no matter how many times you try to dress it like a goose or pretend it's a goose.
In UK what is often done is the wedding is the OFFICIAL wedding, and a lot of people just do a quick registry office wedding with little or no guests, then later on......sometime in the future or even the same day.....they have a wedding blessing, and this is where the guests are invited to. the guests would know its just a blessing though and not the actual wedding. it can be just like a wedding, with bridesmaids etc, everything you would normally have at a normal wedding.
I have been to a wedding blessing and its beautiful, the only thing that sets it apart from an actual wedding, is the vows are slightly different. they have to be re-worded as you are actually man and wife already.
I would have no problems telling people they are invited to a wedding blessing, because we are having a private wedding with no guests.
that way you get to legally marry when you want/need to, but you can have the wedding of your dreams at a later date, with all your friends and family around you.
If you dont tell your friends , then they may not be happy , i wouldnt keep it from them if it was me.
My husband and I got married at the courthouse before he went to basic training so I could get insured and get all the benefits. Granted, we were engaged for about 2 years prior. Anyway, we told our family we were getting married and people came if they wanted to and I was able to get all the name changing nonsense done. We're having our wedding ceremony on our 2nd anniversary and we're calling it a vow renewal where I'll get to wear the white dress and have everyone there.
I do know a lot of other military spouses that got married and kept it a secret from their family. I have no idea how they do that. I know I never could.
I think having a JOP marriage and then a ceremony later doesn't make you're ceremony fake at all.
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FI and I are considering going to the JOP to get married however our wedding isn't until April. We plan on still having the wedding since we have paid for over half of it and it is non-refundable.
I am just curious is anyone has done this, whatever the reason. If they told people or keep it secret? What people thought if they did tell? Also if you had a "wedding" afterwards for what ever reason did it feel like it was ruined because you were already tech. married?
I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it. We kind of NEED to do it. Please don't judge me but I am pregnant and need insurance. We were going to start right after the wedding but obviously there were other plans in store for us. I think the wedding will feel like we are just role playing.