(Closed) has anyone ever reconsidered marrying their FI because of his family?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Hi flabride,

[[[[[hugs]]]]]]] to you! I know this is going to be a hard choice for you.

My friend is going through this right now, but on the flip side–he is the one reconsidering, it’s her mom that hates him. For him, though, his fiancee doesn’t even stick up for him! You’ve got a loving honey right there, he’s doing better than my friends!

I know his family may be terrible right now, but plenty of people have in-laws that don’t like them. It’s a difficult adjustment for everyone. The thing is, this is part of the “For better or for worse.” Do you love him enough to just ignore them for right now? He obviously loves you enough to put them aside for right now. Could you just put aside the planning for right now and address this with him? Could you go to counseling to help figure out how to deal with them better?

I really hope you find a way to deal with all of this and I wish you the best! Getting married to the right person is important–and again, lots of HUGS!!!!!!

Post # 4
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think every future bride has a strained relationship with someone in the other family. For me, it’s a cousin on my FI’s side. It’s totally awkward and weird, and he’s made it quite clear he does not like me at all. It makes my stomach churn and I sometimes get so anxious around the holidays because I know I’ll see him, that I feel physically sick. And all the hate just came out of nowhere. It was weird.

However, I knew that going into this wedding, and I wouldn’t let that wreck my relationship with my FI. We really only see him once a year now at the holidays.

My aunt’s MIL has done a lot of the same things your FMIL is doing to you. The solution? My aunt and her husband just don’t see his mother. She’s truly got problems, and they had had enough abuse from her. My aunt says despite all those problems, she never regrets marrying her husband.

I TOTALLY understand where you’re coming from, and I really sympathize with you. It really just sucks, doesn’t it? I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. Maybe figure out how much his parents will be involved in your lives, and maybe set some boundaries, like, “We’ll see them for Christmas, but not Thanksgiving.” And ask your FI how he feels about limiting contact with them.

I hope it gets better, and that you can work through it.

Post # 5
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I can’t say anything to this effect personally, because I love my boyfriends family. But, I will say this. My mom grew up in a very conservative, upper class household. My dad (my wonderful wonderful dad) grew up as one of 7 children, very poor, in an extreme religious fundamentalist religion. My dad broke apart from the religion by the time he left highschool, and he and my mom have been married almost 40 years. I know my mother loves my dad, but she has told me many times (MANY!) “texaslawgirl, please think long and hard about the family of the man you want to marry. i love your father, but marrying into his family has caused me so much pain and heartache in my life. you don’t just marry the man, you marry his whole family”

his brothers and sisters never accepted my mom, my dad’s mom (my grandma) pretty much wanted nothing to do with me because i wasn’t in the religion like the rest of the grandchildren, my mom and i always felt (and still feel!) like outsiders on every single holiday that we spend with my dad’s family. my dad has tried to make the best of it, but they are his family, and he is a good man. what can he really do?

just think long and hard about whether this is a relationship you are willing to take on (and im not talking about the one with your FI). I mean the relationship with your future in laws. they have the potential to make your life very unhappy and sad on many important holidays (just ask my mother).

Post # 6
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yes, yes, yes!! Been there, done that.

It sounds like he is doing the exact right thing. Standing by you, setting boundaries, recognizing you as his primary family unit. It was hard for me to sacrifice the notion that I was gaining this new perfect family, who is some ways was going to make up for the difficulties I had with my own family. But I realized that we were starting our own family, and that we could insulate it against anything else. Since then we have managed to develop a relationship to his family we are comfortable with. The one member I can’t stand, I just avoid at all cost.

When I was about 6 my Mom just stopped going to my grandmother’s house for holidays. Every single time she was too busy. She would avoid seeing my grandmother for years at a time. Her position was that it wasn’t her mother and therefore she had zero obligation to go. But that my grandmother deserved time with her son and grandchildren. I can’t say it was the healthiest thing in the world. But it is a really common thing that doesn’t need to substantially affect your marriage.

I don’t know how far off you are from your wedding. But it might be a good idea to consider the amount they will be involved in your planning. I would extend a invitation, but not engage with them on anything else. I also wouldn’t accept any money from them, since that has a way of allowing toxic people access.

Good luck.  

Post # 7
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m the wrong person to ask about this, but many moons ago I was engaged to a man who had an awful, personality disordered mother who hated me with the blinding passion of a thousand suns.  She loved me until we were engaged and then she flipped like a switch.

I made the choice to get out of that situation, but I feared that she was crazy enough to do bad things to me.  Also, I didn’t feel the kind of support that I would have needed to feel from the guy to stay.  He needed to shield me from the awfulness, and that just didn’t happen.

Post # 8
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

it there were no problems before the engagement, my guess is that things will go back to normal after the wedding.  is he an only child, only son, or oldest/youngest?  I loved my MIL until we started plannign the wedding.  then she became a nightmare and i just stopped talking to her for like 4 months before the wedding and 2 months after.  she’s back to normal now.  i think parents (espeically moms) just spazz out about weddings…its definitely a power struggle and youre taking the place as the most important woman and now you will be Mrs FI…it can be hard for them to swallow at first

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010
Post # 11
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

sjbee– just wanted to say that was a great response 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

yikes…though I think your fiance sounds like a good man. He is standing his ground to his parents and has showed with his actions that unless they can act respectfully around you that he won’t be seeing them. Your fiance did not pick his parents…don’t let the love of your life go because of them.

I agree, when you marry someone you do marry the family, but you two have the power to do this on YOUR terms. I have a feeling that his parents will see the error of their ways and at least pull it together for visits.

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Yikes – sorry you find yourself in such a toxic potential in-law situation.  I think as long as you feel support from your mate, you will be ok.  It’s one thing for him to realize they are out of line and another thing to protect you from it.  He needs to be your biggest advocate and be able to step up and protect you from them.  His loyalty would be to you and nothing else.  You need to assess if he’s ready to cut ties to them, if they do not treat you like a human being.  If he’s not willing or able to go to those extremes, then I think it would be wise to leave.

Post # 14
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Yes, I reconsidered marrying my FI because of his family. I didn’t want to deal with them on holidays for the rest of my life, deal with the effects of them writing, calling, etc. for the rest of my life. It came down to how much FI supported me and our new family, the two of us, together. We celebrate holidays together and invite other people if we want to. It helps that we also travel internationally around the the holidays a lot. It’s still hard, especially since my Fi’s family tends to be unsupportive and kind of mean to him. We just try to muddle through together with the help of some evening cocktails.

Post # 15
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

there are two sides of every situation

 

when I married, the family was more demanding than mine, more emotional then mine~ with that said, I married him and I accepted them. Worked hard to make a good relationship and it was worth the effort.  I bit my tongue a lot~ but they were HIS parents.

Wish they were still here.

Post # 16
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

You’re totally justified in feeling the way you do.  Your FI’s doing the right thing though… he’s letting them know his priorities lie with you.  If he was just letting this happen, you’d have a massive problem.  But if your FI will choose you every time, then you’ve picked a good guy.

The topic ‘has anyone ever reconsidered marrying their FI because of his family?’ is closed to new replies.

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