Has anyone got back together after grieving for a parent?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
5031 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

No. But I’ve lost both of my parents and my grandfather, who I was closer to than my dad. Honestly, I understand what she is going through, but if she “loved you so much” it seems like she would have wanted to lean on you more so than ever for support, as opposed to breaking up with you. I got engaged the day before my grandfather passed away and my FI has been my ROCK! I can’t imagine breaking up with him after something like that. But everyone grieves differently….

Post # 3
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

While I haven’t been in the exact situation, when DH, (then SO) lost his mom, there was about a year where I really questioned whether or not we would make it. He pushed me away constantly and there were many times I considered leaving. His way of grieving was to isolate himself, mine is to lean on those around me. It was difficult for me to accept and realize that our coping methods are not the same. My best advice would be to give her all the time and space she needs to cope in the way that she needs to. Offer support when you can, but don’t overwhelm. Don’t completely fall out of her life, but don’t be in her face either. Grieving does strange things to the heart and brain sometimes.

Post # 4
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

People grieve in very different manners.  This is a tough situation, and she may just not know how to cope with the loss.  Hang in there.

Post # 5
9546 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Personally, no. I was dating my, now, husband, when my mother got cancer and died and it actually made us much closer. I really appreciated his support during that time and it made me want to stay with him. But that was me. People grieve differently.

Post # 6
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

AllieLaLa:  +1 My DH (then SO) was similar. He definitely didn’t lean as much as I would have expected, never wanted to discuss it, and seemed to prefer to isolate as well. 

Now we are happily married and to this day he tells me he appreciates my being there for him and all the things I did to help his mom before she passed and his family. Things that at the time I would have never known he appreciated or needed.

I agree with some PP, in that everyone grieves differently and sometimes what seems like isolating and pushing away is that person coping, I wouldn’t assume that everyone leans in when they are hurting and grieving (which can begin even before a loved one passes). But if you are patient and are there for that person in the ways they need you to be, then it can very well work out in the end. I would hang in there/be there for her however she wants you to be, but carry on with your life also and take care of yourself. 

Post # 8
3059 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You need to let her know how she makes you feel. I can guarantee that she doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but even though it is accidental it needs to stop. Just matter of factly tell her you feel confused and hurt by the way she is fostering closeness, and although you don’t want to let her go as a friend forever, you both need to agree that the level of closeness you can have as friends needs to get cooled down for a bit so you can heal.

Not everyone is perfect for everyone else. Please do not compare yourself to this other guy, or think less of yourself because she has found out in a time of grief that you are not the right one for her. sometimes dealing with death of a close family member means that you think about what spending the rest of your life with someone really means, and that can mean that what seems happy enough together for 18 isn’t what you want for the next 70 years. People change so much during their late teens and twenties, it is best to really see what you want out of life before you settle down (even if you end up settling down with someone who shared that with you).

Go out with your friends, meet other women, and then – after the hurt is gone – you can try being friends again.

Post # 10
1340 posts
Bumble bee

My father passed away quite suddenly while I was still dating my FI.  Mine and my family’s lives got COMPLETELY turned upside down after his death, and it took us several years to recover from it.  And yet, I Never once broke-up or took my grief/anger out on my FI or our relationship, and neither did any of my brothers with their girlfriends at the time.  I understand people grieve differently, but I believe if you absolutely truly love someone and the relationship is #1 priority to you, then you will do whatever you can to protect it.  

If you were my best friend, I’d give you the same advice —- Let Her Go.  This is for your sake.  People will ultimately do what they really want to do, and for whatever reason, your ex decided to move on after her father passed away.  Who knows what her true reasons are.  But the reasons don’t mean squat, because the reality is, she does not want to be with you.  If she did, she would be with you.  

I don’t mean to sound harsh!  But it sounds like you are still very much attached to her, and you’re clinging onto hope from the little bits of crumbs she sends along your way.  Just because she’s “not herself” and she seems to be behaving out of character, she is still a grown woman (not a 5 yr old child who changes their mind 50Xs/days) and she has made it clear she does not want to be in a serious committed relationship with you.  You need to accept and respect this, not try to convince her she’s made a mistake.  Clearly she doesn’t think so.

I’ll give you the same advice I give women (and my guy friends), if you’re broken up then completely cut off ALL and any contact.  She’s most definitely feeling the pain and loneliness of not having the emotional support she is so used to getting from you, so she’s going to be very “clingy” and “confused” about her emotions right now.  Do not make this easy for her by maintaining contact and alleviating her loneliness by being so available.  That is the worst thing you can do.  Allow her to feel all that loneliness because this is the decision she made.  You need to move on with your life, and focus on figuring out what you’re passionate about in life and what makes you hapoy.  Maybe later on down the road if she’s had a complete change of heart and wants to be with you again, then you can possibly talk to her then (only if you want to).  But her little “I miss you” texts/phone calls need to be completely cut off.  Absolutely no contact.  Her feeling miserable and lonely/hurt is the best thing for her right now, because it will also give her the opportunity to take a good look at her own life and figure her sh*t out.  And it will also give you the space you need to heal and focus on taking care of you.

Post # 11
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Shina:  This is really great advice! You need to cut off communications with her, for both of your sakes. She may not have the strength to tell you directly that it’s over but the fact that she is seeing and seeking comfort with someone else should tell you loud and clear that, at least for now, it’s over. Stringing you along like this is not good for either of you and someone has to take the reigns and make the break. You are both young and at a point where you should really be focusing on developing yourselves first. The fact that you were talking about marriage with her and even exchanged promise rings and yet now she’s seemingly moved on tells me that she doesn’t know herself and needs to explore who she is and what she values. You would be smart to do likewise. Hard as it is to do, move on and stop making it easy for her.

Post # 13
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

camachoeli:  Change your number, block her – do whatever you have to do. I’m not tech savvy but you get the picture. Yes it will hurt!! Spend this time developing yourself – college, friends, etc. 

Post # 14
2462 posts
Buzzing bee

Edited as I didn’t read your follow up. I’m sorry! It’s surprising how many people don’t mind putting others through emotional torment for their own benefit. I hope you can cut off ties, and move on to someone more worthy 🙂 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  whitums.
Post # 15
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: dont know

This is so sad!  Don’t worry with a heart and maturity like yours I’m sure you will find a better more mature girl who is ready for the relationship you want.  At your age alot of people don’t know what they want yet and they think they do and change their minds, live your life to the fullest and learn to be yourself.  Go out and do exciting things and the pain will get less and less and youll be proud of yourself that you made it over the bad part.  Believe me this happened to me twice, with me in your shoes.  Sometimes grief just makes people do odd things.  Pray for her and yourself.

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