Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Disclaimer: I know some people might find the idea of this “creepy” but I really don’t care. I’m posting this in the Emotional board instead of Logistics or Ceremony because I think people here might understand better.
My mother died in November. We were very close; she was unmarried and I was her only child. It was completely unexpected and tore me apart for months. I’m so far behind on wedding planning now it’s not even funny. The weekend before it happened we were at my venue trying to make plans for how to decorate it for the ceremony, and a month before that she was helping me pick out my wedding dress. I am thankful that she at least got to see me in my dress before she passed.
We had my mom cremated and placed her ashes in a teapot because she collected them. Ever since it happened I’ve been brainstorming ways to have her memory involved in the ceremony. I wouldn’t dream of not including her urn. Her urn is my most treasured possession in my whole house and I really can’t express the emotional attachment I have to it. If it creeps out one or two random people then so be it.
I think I have narrowed down my plans as follows:
*Before the wedding I would like her urn set on the makeup table in the background as I get ready so that the photographer can take some nice pictures of “us” together.
*I am going to see if my flower lady (future sister in law) will be able to make a tiny corsage to attach to the teapot spout or handle, or perhaps decorate the chair that the urn will sit on with some matching flowers along with a framed photo or name plaque or something.
*I would like my aunt (mom’s sister) to walk the urn down the aisle the same way my stepmom/stepbrother and FMIL/FFIL will walk down it.
*My aunt will set the urn down on the front row’s first chair, and then sit right behind it. (my dad will sit on the other side of it, followed by stepmom and the rest of the immediate family row) I’m not sure if I’ll need to put some sort of pilow on the chair to make sure it won’t fall or shift
*After this I am not sure what to do. I will have my aunt in charge of the urn but I’m not sure what to do with it during the dinner and reception. There won’t be room at a table, but I just don’t know about setting it on the gift table or guest book table… I want it to be near someone I trust but also cannot be bumped into. It would also make me uneasy for it to be stuck in someone’s car in the parking lot. I know nothing would happen, but then it would just feel like a wedding prop rather than such an important thing.
I kind of rambled and then hit a wall here, not sure what else to say, but I would love to hear from anyone else who has done something similar.
Post # 3
I think your ideas are very nice. I know it’s common during the ceremony to place flowers in the chair of a parent or other important family member that has passed. Using the urn to place in the chair would be nice. Personally, I would refrain from the tiny corsage on the urn and just place some beautiful flowers on the chair instead.
As for the reception, is there a place such as a mantle, or someplace else that is out of the way but that you could still have your mother there with you? While you don’t care about creeping out random people on the internet, I think you should consider your guests and other family members. It might make people uncomfortable for the urn to be placed at a table (I know you said you’re not doing this) or even at the guestbook or gift table. Maybe you could leave an empty seat at a table to honor your mother?
I love the idea of the urn being in the background of photos as you’re getting ready. I think that’s really sweet.
Post # 4
I guess I didn’t really answer your question. I would just try to find a place that’s out of the way, in the background even, for the sake of your guests’ feelings and to keep the urn safe, while still having your mother present.
Post # 5
@aggie2010: I’m so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom 4 years ago. I’m not engaged yet, but I get so sad thinking about doing all the wedding planning and getting ready without her. I can’t imagine how you must feel, being so close to your actual wedding.
I really like the idea of having the urn on the dressing table and putting the corsage on it. Personally, I wouldn’t have someone walk it in, but you do whatever feels good for you.
My family is Mexican and we often have sort of a dia de los muertos altar at our weddings. We set up a table either at the ceremony location or in a prominent place at the reception. On it we put pictures and memorabilia of our loved ones who have passed away. My cousin got married just a day before dia de los muertos, so she went all out and put their favorite foods and stuff on the altar too. You might want to consider something like that for the reception. I’m sure your Fiance has people he’s lost, too. You could put the urn in the middle and other pictures around it.
Post # 6
I would be worried about something happening to the urn. On my wedding day and even to my hair trials, I took a framed picture of my Gram who died a few months prior. She was at the hairdresser, then at the wedding and reception, she was with my parents at their table. People kept stopping to talk to her… it wasn’t weird at all, but we’re a very spiritual (Buddhist) family.
Post # 7
I would be a bit concerned about having it at the wedding. Just the thought that it might get lost or something. During the ceremony I’m sure it will be fine, but I guess I would want a plan to put it away for safekeeping after that. Just the risk would probably keep me from doing it. If I had the same sentiment I might get one of those necklace pendants that hold ashes. Then it would be in your photos but it’s not like you could lose your whole mother. Could you have an identical teapot in the wedding and leave the real one at home?
Post # 8
I don’t think its creepy. I was going to say make sure you have someone responsible for the urn just to make sure it doesn’t get left behind or misplaced, but it looks like you already have your aunt doing that. I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with this. My mother wants to be cremated and if she had already passed away I would definitely want her remains at my wedding.
Post # 9
I’m in tears reading this. Who care if anyone thinks it’s creepy. Honor your Mother the way you see fit! Good Luck!
Post # 10
I would also be very, very concerned about the tea pot at the wedding. Things happen and it could be dropped. If anything, I wouldn’t walk it down the aisle and I would assign someone who does not drink to guard it until after the wedding is done.
Lots of things get lost or mistakenly taken. My sister had a vase at her wedding which was brought overseas from Italy by my grandmother when she was married. She used it as the centerpiece on her table. After the wedding was done, the caterer mistakenly took it thinking it belonged to the company. It was never seen (though she was compensated for it).
Post # 11
I think having a picture of her might be a better option because how devestating would it be for something to happen to the urn at your wedding? Or having it set someplace safe before things start so there isnt the risk of it getting broken with someone walking in with it and trying to set it down. Also, you could do other small things to incorporate your mom during the day, a teapot charm on your bouquet, an empty chair at the ceremony and reception, but I would just be so worried about something happening to the urn that would totally ruin your wedding day, which I am sure your mom wouldnt want.
Post # 12
I don’t have any ideas for the logistics of the urn at the wedding, but I recently read an article in the paper about a woman who lost her daughter, and wore her ashes in a locket around her neck. I thought this was such a beautiful gesture. Perhaps you could search Etsy and see if anyone could make one, maybe even in the shape of a tea pot? It might be a nice accessory for your big day. Especially if you can’t find a spot for the urn during the reception.
I’m so, so sorry about your mom. Good luck with your wedding.
Post # 13
@mgol25: i love this idea!
i agree with many others who are worrying about the safety of the urn. i think maybe keep it with you when you’re getting ready, i liked that idea. then perhaps look into this locket that has been mentioned.
i’m very sorry for your loss.
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
The urn will be at the wedding, I’m not reconsidering that fact sorry. 🙂 My aunt does not drink (sober for 30+ years) and will probably not let the urn out of her arms, let alone her sight all night. They were very close and my aunt is one of those people who doesn’t care what other people think about her… She’ll be next to it and talking to it all night, probably.
I know they make necklaces for cremains, but I do not plan to ever open the urn again. I want all of my mom there, not just her elbow or whatever gets put into a tiny vial. 😛
I’ll consult with the venue to see if they could maybe set up an additional table at the reception and we can call it the memorial table – have photos of our grandparents who have passed and the urn of course. Maybe even a donation box for the American Heart Association (she died of a heart attack).