Post # 1
This probably sounds like the best problem in the world to have but I’m feeling bad about it. FI and I made the decision that we want to pay for our wedding ourselves – we’re both adults and make good money and we feel that since our parents paid for our education They shouldn’t have to pay for anything. However in the past week both of our parents have started insisting on paying for certain things.
We’re actually planning two weddings – one in Ireland, one in India (interracial relationship) and we’re planning all this from Australia so we are depending on our parents to help organise certain things. My mum had indicated that she wanted to pay for something as a gift, but I didn’t push it. Last week my mum booked hair and make up – I hadn’t been planning on it but my mum seemed excited about having all us girls getting made up on the morning and it seemed like a really nice idea. I asked her how much I owed for the deposit and she told me not to worry about it. I decided to accept it as a gift as I knew she was excited so I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Then a few days later she put down the deposit on the wedding cake. Again I asked her how much I owed but she told me it was a wedding present. I tried to tell her shed already gotten a present for me, but she was having none of it.
Now today I found out that the Indian wedding which my FFIL is organising will be costing a bit more than anticipated (actually more than FI anticipated, I already told him it was going to cost more than he thought). When he told his dad it was more than expected, his Dad tod him he would pay the difference, and got quite upset when FI tried to decline.
As a bit of background, FIs dad is reasonably well off, my parents aren’t as well off and are still supporting my younger brother who’s in college and likely partly supporting my younger sister who just had a baby. They will both be travelling to India for the second reception so they’re already incurring a bit of a financial load.
So theres the problem that lots of you guys would kill for – our parents are wonderful and very generous but I feel terrible about how much it’s already costing them. I don’t want then to pay but I don’t think I can without hurting their feelings.
Post # 3
I feel you!!! This happened to FI and I!!
My MOM is so guilty of this!!! I keep telling her about things that cost money and she’s the biggest enabler. She’s always wanting me to get more stuff and do more because this is the “only time” and that I should “enjoy it!” I keep telling her like MOM THESE THINGS COST MONEY. And she’s like. don’t worry about it- your dad’s got it. HAHAHAHA
I feel bad ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 4
@aliciaspinnet: Sometimes giving is what makes parents happy. I came to realise sometimes they will not take no as an answer. So I reserve the money I would have spent and keep it for them . Who knows, you may be able to return the favor later. By the way, weddings are a big deal for a lot of parents, being able to do those things for you is a way of them celebrating with you and for you.
Post # 5
If your parents are all that generous you should be gracious and accept their generosity. dont feel bad or guilty, they obviously love you both and WANT to do this for you, let them do it. It helps them feel like they are a part of something great in your lives
Post # 6
True, it’s a pretty nice problem to have. I think we’ll just need to get them a nice present to thank them and try and spoil them rotten when we get the chance.
Post # 7
I know I have that problem and I’m not even getting married yet! :/ my dad seems to think I’m either a) incapable of saving or b) incapable of making enough money in my field to survive (that last one is sorta almost true, nonprofit industry in a small town!) they offer to pay for things all the time, my mom (the present shopper in that couple) is always way overboard on gifts. I’ve managed to get my dad to slow down on the offers of throwing money around, can’t get my mom to stop giving crazy amounts of stuff!
The sad thing is my brother and his wife could REALLY use it a lot more than I could – he’s been super sick for well over a year and she is underemployed because she can’t find a job in her field. I’d love it if they took all the money they offer to me and spent it on them. I know they do something kind of the same for those two (they all live in the same city) but it doesnt seem to be as freely offered sometimes, I know my dad grumbles a bit.
Post # 8
its definitely a good problem to have but I understand the feelings of guilt. it was always understood that my dad would pay for both my sister’s wedding and mine. He also paid for my brother’s because her family could not help and he didn’t feel we should pay for our own wedding. I think it’s a feeling if pride for him to be able to give us the gift of the most important day if our life. My problem is he won’t give me a budget. His favorite phrase is “what you want will cost what it costs”. So I feel guilty planning anything. Of he’d just say “you can spend up to $x, I think I’d feel less guilty but when I tell him that he says not to feel guilty and that whatever I want is what it will cost. This is causing me to keep changing my mind on everything, and one if the many reasons we haven’t even set a date.
Post # 9
@aliciaspinnet: My husbands parents are VERY generous they paid for our at home religious wedding (we had two weddings also and are an interracial couple) and they also gave us a very large sum of money as a gift to use for the downpayment on our home. I used to feel really guilty about acceptng all of these things but then I realized that they want to do this for us so there is no point in objecting and making them feel bad. My husband is an only child so I think they have been saving money for him for years and now this is there time to use it. They still try and buy us large gifts but we now always say no cause they have given us enough!
Post # 10
My parents are hosting our wedding entirely. They are thrilled about it but the guilt is occasionally UNREAL. I’m a grown woman, I can pay for this myself! It’s sometimes hard to say what I’d like knowing that I’m not paying.
I’ve gotten better about it, they’re so happy to pay, they had money set aside for it specifically, I’m trying to be gracious and not feel so guilty all the time.
Post # 11
I had this “problem” too. Although it truly wasn’t a problem.
my mom is just like that, she wanted me to get married so bad it truly made her so happy to pay for certain things. It got to the point that I would have to not tell her I was booking things just so she couldn’t pay for it!! Honestly it was so generous and kind, but we had money and she’s not rich, I just felt so bad accepting her gifts.
in the end tho, we did pay for the majority, and because of her contributions we were able to take the honeymoon of our dreams (not to mention she watched our son for 12 days while we were away). She’s the best mom in the world! Lol
Post # 12
@CaroBee: My parents are paying for the whole thing as well. I am 27 years old, have been working for 4 years and had money saved up before we were engaged because we assumed we’d pay for the wedding and hate having debt. Not so, on the day of my engagement my mom(I have one joint account with her from my college days, that I have never switched to solely mine since I just use the other two accounts anyways) transferred $25,000. Ya, ummm mom don’t worry we’ve got this but my parents insisted. It’s insane. We aren’t even trying to spend the $25,000 closer to $20,000 and we plan on giving her everything back because really now, we can take a great honeymoon with the money we’ve saved.
Post # 13
@limekitty: My mom is the exact same way! I’ll tell her I want to keep my dress under a certain price or do really simply centerpieces to keep the cost down, and she’s like, “Don’t worry, just put it on the credit card. Your dad will pay it.” My parents gave me a set (extremely generous) amount that they are going to contribute, which should cover the whole wedding, but my mother is terrible with budgeting and math in general, so I have to keep pretty close tabs on things. If we did everything she wanted, I think I’d be having a six figure wedding!
Post # 14
My mom also thinks I should have 7 wedding dresses (not all white) “for pictures”
I legitimately asked her when these dresses would be worn and she’s like. well “for pictures.”
Post # 15
@limekitty: My mom legitimately thinks we can afford a $15,000 (before alterations!) Vera Wang gown. It’s my inspiration gown, and I’m sure I can find something similar for much less, but she was like, “If it’s your dream dress, just get it!” It took a while to explain to her that I cannot spend half of the wedding budget on just the dress, lol! She also wants me to get giant, 4-foot tall centerpieces. It’s great that she wants me to have the wedding of my dreams, but I just have to laugh at some of the things she thinks are in budget.