- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
I’ve been reading a bunch of posts here and need to ask some advice – has anyone had to actually ban someone from their wedding?
I’ll try to fill you in as briefly as possible. My mother had me when she was very young. She worked hard , sometimes two or three jobs to keep us going. But I never really felt connected to her. She was cold, distant. Then one day mid-way through my senior year, I came home and found her sitting with her bags packed. She told me that I was old enough, and she was leaving to get a life. The rent was paid for two months, but it was up to me to deal after that. And then she was gone. I was seventeen and I panicked. I called my boyfriend (now fiancé) at boot camp who called his parents. Two days later I was living in their garage apartment. It took some adjusting, I wasn’t used to having people worry over me (like why I was late, or did I eat that day) but thanks to them – henceforth to be known as Mom and Dad – I finished school, went to and graduated college, and started my career.
I’m now twenty three and having survived the biggest test – my FI’s first overseas deployment – we’re now finished planning the wedding. Or rather my older sister(in law) planned it. It’s what she does for a living so… She’s a lot like a river, it’s best just to jump in and let the current take you. And it’s more than I could have ever dreamed. My dress is new. My veil is old – Mom’s great grandmother made the lace for her grandmother’s wedding. Flowers, amazing cake, decorations. Everything is the perfect fairy tale. I freaked out over the expense at first, but now they just won’t tell me what anything costs. Everything is set and booked, I just have to remember to breathe.
Then, she came back. Mother. Or rather the heavily made up, major work done, sugar daddy boyfriend version of the woman I remember. I think someone she knows got in touch to tell her about the wedding. Not sure because I haven’t gotten so much as a phone call or email since she walked. She crashed a family function and just gushed over how much she missed me, how she’s thought about me every minute of every day. She made this big production of giving me an envelope of cash in front of everyone. Mom said I handled things gracefully so guess I did OK despite the shock. And she pushed me to include her. So I reluctantly told her about my final dress fitting. She came (late) and hated my dress. My perfect dream dress is hideous and I look ridiculous. And why would I want an old veil. She actually went around the shop trying to find a ‘better’ dress for me to try. I refused and kept my dress.
She showed up a few days later – unannounced – at Mom and Dad’s to ‘discuss a few things’. First of all the wedding date doesn’t suit her, it needs to be two weeks later. Which is better anyway because a friend of hers has a band that is available that day. The club where we’re having the reception is all wrong. So’s the church. She wants to give me away. She is the only family I have left and it’s her ‘right’.
Uhm, no. No. No. No. And hell no. And I told her as such. This is my wedding, and as everyone keeps telling me, it’s my day. And I love everything as it is planned, so no. No changes. Especially – I don’t want to be ‘given away’ by anyone. I’m sealing my union to his family on my own. And frankly, she gave me away when I was seventeen. And cue the rant. She insulted FI and Dad’s military career, Mom’s child rearing skills (on that SERIOUSLY WTF). And I’m much too young, too small and fragile to be marrying FI. It ended with her storming out, screaming at Mom and Dad over their ‘abduction’ of me and my affection. This is a woman who never said anything about anything to me growing up. Not about my clothes, my appearance, nothing good, nothing bad. Frankly this whole emotional response from this woman completely baffles me.
After giving it a day for everyone to calm down, I went to her motel. I told her that it would be best if she left, that I did not want her at the wedding. She laughed at me. Said I had no right to keep her from the wedding since she’d contributed money. I gave her back the envelope of untouched cash. She really lashed out at me. She said that having me was the biggest mistake of her life. That I’d been nothing but a leech on her life. That I was ungrateful and immature.
I told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to come anywhere near the wedding, me or my family. And I went home to my real Mom.
It’s been a week now. She’s still in town, but she’s made no further contact. Dad wants to hire security for the wedding (I have this image of men in black suits, dark glasses, and ear pieces a la the Secret Service with a sniper team on the roof) Keeping her from the reception is easy, it’s a private club. No ticket, no entry. (gushing a minute, it’s perfect, elegant and beautiful. I cannot WAIT to walk in on FI’s arm.) But I have had nightmares of her standing up in the church at the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ part.
Wow, this was long, sorry. But has anyone had to ban someone from their wedding? Can you even block someone from entering a church? We can probably use a couple of the guys from my FI’s unit to keep her out, but that may cause an even bigger scene. Any suggestions?