- 5 years ago
*Borderline Personality Disorder
It’s my mom. Shit has been going on for literally years, and I’m at my breaking point, mostly cause my BF wants so badly for me to have a good relationshp with my mom and I simply can’t do it. He hasn’t been around for everything and doesn’t get that it’s not that I don’t want a relationship with my mom, it’s that I don’t want one right now.
My dad and I are the focus of her anger, which mostly used to happen when she was messed up on Xanax, but sometimes when she wasn’t. She would scream literally all night, for days at a time, at my dad and me, for various reasons. Some specific incidents were:
– She shoved my sister in law, and when the cops got called claimed she didn’t. I told the real story and for weeks, she wouldn’t speak to me, and the glares she gave me made me really, honestly believe my mother hated me. It sounds so dramatic, but I have never seen such hatred aimed at someone before.
– She has backed me into a corner, screaming in my face, and when I got away she broke down crying because she didn’t want to be left alone. However, I refused to stay alone with her because I was afraid she’d hit me. A neighbor came over for a while, hoping my dad would come home, and when it got too late, she left. My mom went right back to screaming at me and refused to let me go to my room. I ended up having an anxiety attack.
– She said, for three days, she wanted a divorce from daddy. Daddy was going to give her one and she faked a heart attack to keep him from leaving the house to meet with a lawyer.
– She has accused me of conspiring to make them divorce.
-She has told me she wishes I wasn’t her daughter.
-She said once that she didn’t even care about coming to my graduation.
-She has tried to keep me with her when she’s in her moods, as a verbal punching bag, by threatening to call the police and report me as a runaway or threatening to tell lies to have them take me away and put me in a juvenile detention center. She’s threatened to press kidnapping charges on anyone who picks me up to keep me from seeking refuge with a friend.
-She’s ruined the last two Christmases. Christmas before last she made me feel so bad that on Christmas morning, I didn’t even want to get up and open presents- my dad had to make me (and that’s saying something, cause Christmas has always been a huge thing for us). I begged him just to take everything back because by that point I’d been called every kind of bitch you could imagine and I didn’t feel like I deserved any presents.
-She has gotten violent on a couple of occasions, dragging me by the hair and shoving me. And then she wonders why I am afraid to stay alone with her when she’s in one of her moods.
Lately, it’s been happening when she’s not on Xanax. Her episodes can last for days or even longer, sometimes.
We’ve tried making her go to therapy (she quit when she was diagnosed with BPD. She says it’s because she didn’t feel that it was doing anything, but I think it’s because someone told her the problem wasn’t everyone else).
My SO hasn’t been around for all of this. And honestly, words don’t do it justice. He doesn’t get why I can’t have a relationship with her. While he knows the gist of it, he thinks I’m not having a relationship with her out of spite. He thinks that just because he was able to forgive his dad for abuse that everyone should be able to. But he hasn’t lived with his dad in several years; he’s had the chance to distance himself from the abuse and heal. I haven’t. My SO does’t get how deep the feelings of inadequacy, depression, isolation, and worthlessness go. For the longest time, I thought the problem was me- it took me a couple of years to realize that it wasn’t me, it was her, and what she was doing was emotional abuse. And even though I’ve realized that, dealing with her anger is still a problem. I don’t know how to cope with it. Even knowing she’s in one of her moods freaks me out and makes me want to leave. How am I supposed to deal with it? How do you cope living with someone with BPD?
It’s not that I don’t want a relationship with my mother, it’s that I want one on my own terms. Yeah, now she can’t threaten to have me taken away or press kidnapping charges to keep me with her cause I’m older, but I still need space from her. I need to get away from her and have a chance to lick my wounds and heal, and then I could initiate a relationship on my own terms, where I can tell her enough is enough if she gets pissed without fear of being kicked out/hit/screamed at/intimidated/arrested. I need to be in a position where I can have control over the amount of contact we have before I will feel safe enough to get close to her. Am I wrong for that? My SO doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from, and I have no clue how to explain it to him or make him see, because words just can’t describe the hurt I’m dealing with. the fact he doesn’t get it makes me feel like the bad guy. I just don’t think I can have a healthy relationship with her until after I’ve moved out, because she won’t make any effort, either by going to therapy or simply trying to make a mother-daughter realtionship work.
I’m looking for advice, but also a place to vent. I feel better getting all of this out there.