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I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My heart goes out to you. This is a very hard time let me know if you need someone to talk to! x hugs x
I lost my father unexpectedly 7 1/2 years ago when I was 18 (His birthday is the day after my wedding and he died 2 days after his birthday) . From then on it was always on the back of my mind who would walk me down the aisle. My wedding is about 3 1/2 months away and I am having my mom and brother walk me down. I did also think about having my grandpa but he isn't in the best of health.
As far as father/daughter dance, I thought about doing mother/ daughter dance, but we are just going to do our first dance then the wedding party dance.
I want to make a memorial candle or have a memorial table at the church/ reception. I also thought about having the end of my slide show say 'in memory of..'
He will be looking down on you and smiling- seeing you so beautiful and happy on your wedding day
I'm sorry to hear about your father. I lost my mother before my senior year in high school. I didn't do anything to honor her on the wedding day because I knew if I thought about it too much I would be sad because I wish she were there.
Just let the grief out when you feel the need. It gets easier to maintain with time.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family as you grieve.
I lost my mom in December, and it is difficult. It does get easier as time goes by, but I will be doing something random and it will trigger a memory and then I cry. But you know what? It's ok. We're human, and sometimes we need to be sad. And sometimes it makes me feel better and happier afterwards because it was a nice memory.
My father passed away when I was 6, so that has been a different kind of grief to handle. People ask me all the time who is going to walk me down the aisle, and at this point, I have no answer. I had wanted to walk alone even when my mom was alive, kind of like holding my dad's place open for him, but now I worry that it will be too emotional with them both gone. FI's grandfather has been volunteered to act as proxy, and I might do that just for support and because we get along so well, but part of me still wants to walk alone as I had initially planned. It remains to be seen!
I don't want to do a memory table or anything. I want to incorporate them in little ways. I am using the monarch butterfly stamp on my invites because it was my dad's favorite and always makes me think of him. Even if guests don't understand its significance, it's very special to me. We're going to have pierogies on our buffet because my mom loved them and was very proud of her Slovak heritage. I want to find some other things, and I am still trying to decide if I want to do a program or include a word about them in the ceremony.
My suggestion and the thing that is proving the most difficult to me is finding that balance where you feel like their memories are honored and included without being overwhelming or hard to bear. Sorry this turned out to be really long, but I wish you the best as you finish planning. If you ever need to vent or talk, feel free to PM me.
I lost my mom. I am looking for more subtle ways to honor my mom than the more obvious chair left empty, or moment of silence because I just couldn't get through it. I am going to have several cakes and pies and one will be her favorite flavor and I'll carry the same flowers that she did. I'd search for something that makes you remember your father and smile, not cry.
As far as the grief on the day of, I plan to go for a run in the morning and then before the makeup and hair, I plan to have a good hard long cry, a big hug with my dad and my uncle(her brother) and then I hope I can put the tears behind me and enjoy the day
As far as dealing with your grief, its personal for everyone. I don't know if it gets easier as you will remember and miss them everyday for the rest of your life but you get better at dealing with it. Memories that used to make you cry will make you smile.
I might not know exactly how you feel because every one is different. My dad passed away a little more than 6 years ago, also to cancer. He struggled for 2 and a half years and was very strong up until the very end. We had hospice for a while though since near the end he was home a lot. I was twelve when he passed away.
Ever since then I wondered who was going to walk me down the aisle and the father/daughter dance. Its only 6 months till my wedding and about a month ago I decided to have my grandpa walk me down instead of me being alone. I still cry when I think I can't have my dad do it. I also decided to forgo any mother/daugther, father/ daughter songs. I don't think I could handle it even though it was 6 years ago.
To remember him I think I am going to light a candle in his honor or have the reverend say a few words before the ceremony.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. My heart goes out to you. My father passed away when I was 8 years old so I also had to deal with the knowledge that my dad would be missing out on my high school graduation, my college graduation and my wedding. Despite the fact that it happened so long ago, it still kills me to think about experiencing yet another special moment without him being there.
I am not having dancing at my wedding at all, so I have no advice in regards to the father/daughter dance, but I can tell you how I plan to honor my father. Both FH and I have lost important family members, so we'd like to have a moment of silence or some words said for those who are not present, but I also would like to have a little memorial table set up with candles, pictures and a poem.
I lost my dad when I was 2, so the grief issn't nearly as new as it is for you. I had a picture of him attached to my bouquet (you can find small pendant chains at craft stores, and I just attached it to a ribbon and then tied it around the bouquet). The Justice of the Peace also made a brief announcement about the "people that can't be with us today" at the beginning of the ceremony- but it was brief, as we did not want a big focus to be on anything sad.
My older brother walked me down the aisle, and we did a brother/sister dance at the reception. Had that not have been an option, I probably would have walked down myself, and skipped a dance.
As far as day to day grief, I think you need to give yourself time to grieve. Its okay to be sad, and its how we move on. When really upsetting things have happened to me in the past, I usually allow myself one good cry per day, and then when that's done, I make myself move on for the day, and I try not to let it interrupt me any more that day.
Best wishes.
OP, I feel like I could've written your exact post. My dad just passed away in December from cancer. He declined so rapidly, we had no idea it was coming. We thought he was doing fine, his scans were completely clean, and then all of a sudden the doctors were telling us to call hospice. I talked about it with my fiance and he's completely fine with us not doing any parent/child dances, and his mom understands too. As for who will walk me down the aisle, I have absolutely no idea. I wanted my mom to, but she said it would be too hard for her. I'm going to be tying my dad's wedding ring with a ribbon around my bouquet though. I may have my grandfather on my dad's side walk me down the aisle, but I'm really not close to him. I'm so scared people are going to say things to me the day of and I'm going to start crying on my wedding day, and I really don't want to be grieving on that day. I'm so sorry you're going through what I'm going through because it's just awful.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Hearing from other people who are going through the same thing helps so much. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss and I really appreciate you all sharing your stories.
I think it's a bit hard to strike a balance between honoring my father and not making things too sad. My mom is walking me down the aisle, but I am worried about how she will hold up. We also left his name on the invitations since they were already done. I probably would forgo the dances, but my dad wrote a song for me when I was little and I always planned on dancing with him to that. I think it would make it worse to not have his song played, so more than likely I will have them play his song and dance with my grandpa and/or uncle. I know that will not be easy to get through, but it is important to me. I'd like to find some kind of trinket or piece of jewelry to either wear or tie to my bouquet, but I haven't looked into that yet.
@Amaryllis: I really like the idea of incorporating little things that other people may not recognize as significant, but will be meaningful to you. I'll have to think on that one.
@whiteorchid: It does sound like our stories are really similar. I'm worried about what people might say as well, especially since it will be so soon after my dad's death and there are many people I will not see until the wedding, but I guess that is unavoidable. I'll have to find a pretty hanky to keep in my purse. It's so hard because people mean well and I don't want to completely ignore my dad and act like he didn't exist, but some people just make you feel 10x worse!
The day to day grief is so hard. I know it's really new and I shouldn't push myself too much, but I feel like I spend so much energy trying to be "normal" during the day that at night I'm exhausted and sad. One day at a time I guess.
Thanks again everyone.
I lost my mom, my best friend, in May. She, like your father,had cancer and was a fighter. She fought for 4 years and was never in remission. My mother also declined very quickly and passed the day after I started hospice for her. It has been 9 months and I still find myself breaking down at the smallest things. It scares me that on my wedding day I will do nothing but cry. I am slowly accepting that there is just no way that I won't cry and the best thing for me to do is probably be ready for it, and ready to recover from it.
I am also still finding ways to honor my mom. Some of the ways I have thought of include having her favorite color as my wedding color, the song my father and I are dancing to is a song my mom sang to me, and I am wearing some of her jewelry.
I wish I had some advice for you but I really am on the same page as you, and need this same advice. It will be a very hard day for you especially being so recent. However, please know that you are not alone and I wish you all the best. Your father will be looking down on you and wants you to have a beautiful day. I know you have probably been told that by everyone, but if you really think about your dad, I am sure that you know deep in your heart it is true. Try to keep this in mind on your day to help you deal with the tears (if you find it helpful.)
Is there any jewelry of his you could wear, or something of his pinned to your flowers?
I will be carrying some yellow roses (my mom's favorite flower) and will place some on a empty chair as I walk.
Hi OP. Hugs. We should talk...I'm sad too :( My step-dad was my closest dad (my bio dad has entered my life at moments and disappeared, kind of estranged relationship, etc etc). He was the best dad, grandparent to my kids. He was an incredible person and he passed away on Feb 7th in hospice on Vancouver Island. I am in shock, and grief goes from anger, shock, sorrow, excruciating heart break, ups and downs... I feel slightly traumatized over the medical aspect of his cancer here...the lack of treatment. His battle was esophagael cancer, stomach cancer that spread. I'll summarize ..perhaps help me clear my jumbled thoughts about it: He went to the ER 4 times over the past year for pain in tummy, chest pain. The last was in November when it got hard to eat and heartburn pain. All of a sudden he couldn't swallow. He went in a they gave him a scope (which they did NOT do before, and should have) and found a tumour. He was diagnosed Nov 26th, stayed in hospital till Dec 6th waiting for a surgery appt an hour away. Transferred to see if they could remove it, opened him up, closed him up saying 4th stage cancer spread throughout stomach, abdominal wall, tumour in esophagus so large almost closed off. Able to get stent in to take bits of water. Told 3-6 months to live and no surgical treatment that is viable. Out of hospital around the 12th of Dec with IV Pole, feeding tube in, stent in place, drugs...able to move around, feeling horrible. Wait for cancer clinic appt call. Get referral into cancer clinic here 3 times. No word. Pain again, almost immediately. Can't swallow. Gets horrible and goes back in after he tried to come to dinner out with us for my FI bday dinner. The last I saw him out. He went into hospital, transferred an hour away. Surgery for new stent. Worked. Pain horrible, nausea horrible. Bed open up in Hospice. Figure Drs know "cocktails" better to control nausea so move him there etc. Move there on the 21st of January.HIs cancer clinic appt was I believe on the 26th. My dad wanted some chemo. They say it's too far gone. Then.. he starts swelling (feet) Feed tube falls out. They say they won't put back in. They haven't really been clear as to what "they know" in terms of if this is end of life. He said well I am not ready, I can't do nothing! He thought he had a few months left. My mom and him were never married. Decide to marry in chapel at church on the 29th. Most beautiful ceremony I have ever seen. Packed. Hardly stand up, needs oxygen, pushed on wheel chair. Gets agitated a couple days later, then hallucinating and speakign with his dead father. Then becoming coherent and knowingly was like WTH is going on?? , Then all of a sudden he was like in acoma, but not. Sleeping, "googly eyes", not functioning. He awoke once when I put my hand on his face, and he sat up. He was trying to open eyes, respond when he was" out". He would squeeze hand when yes, if my mom asked him a question. he lost so much weight over n ight. The last thing he did was on the Saturday after he awoke, he turned to my mom, waved and blew her a kiss. he called her "wifey". He started gagging and coughing...they put nasal pump in. He died 24 hours later. SOOOO traumatizing....
Sorry for TMI...it was worse but I can't write some of those things. It was my first experience with cancer and I am still scared.
I too wonder...who will walk me down the aisle? I'm not asking my bio dad. He never acted like my dad, and although there for a few years in my teenage years-other than that, not around...
I'm sad about it. He was so happy go lucky. Maybe my mom will walk me, maybe I'll go alone. I'm too scared to go all by myself in front of all those people...
I'm hoping to attach a little picture in mini frame to hang on from my bouquet. I saw it somewhere with a heart shape pic on it. That's as far as I have gotten. I'm trying ot get back in to the spirit of wedding planning -the happy fun "light" stuff in my life right now...it's hard.
My full on breakdowns seem to happen in the evening, at night, and in the car driving. I'm busy-I have two kids. Then I remember and I break down. It's like did I just dream this feeling.
I said in someone else's post what I have been telling myself-just remember it's okay to cry, okay to be angry, okay to be sad, and okay to find joy in some little things when you can.
xoxo
I won't go on too long about my situation, it's been a few years and its still hard to read other's stories. I lost my dad in 2008 - this August will be 3 years. He also had cancer. A year and a half later - 3 months after my fiance' and I got engaged, I lost my soon-to-be father in law due to surgery complications.
My fiance' is the only son in his family to not have his dad there at his wedding.
To honor them we are having my brother carry a picture of my dad and my fiance's nephews carry a picture of their "papaw" down the aisle and place them on tables that will be set up in the front, but off to the sides. (My dad's picture on a table on my family side, FI's dad's picture on his family's side) - we are going to have small arrangements of their favorite flowers on the tables also. During the reception they will be placed on one table together.
My mom crossed over on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 at 2:53 a.m. I will NEVER forget it. I remember saying a few months after that she wouldn't be here to see me get married (At the time I didn't know if I would, or to whome, but that's the kinda stuff that goes thru your mind). I miss her dearly. I hope she's at the wedding................................................................................................................................
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that this is very tough. My father, and my mother passed away several years ago and sometimes I get overwhelmed, thinking that they aren't here to finally see me happy and married.
This is what I decided to do, in memory of my Dad, I am going to ask that all the daughters, who have their fathers present at the wedding, dance with them. And when they do their father daughter dance, I will just dance with my DH. I think it will make me happy to see all the other girls, dance with their dads, even if I can't.
I lost my dad 10 years ago, throughout all of this wedding planning its been so hard because everyone ask me, "whos walking you dowm the asile", or "whats your father daughter dance". I hate telling people hes not around, it always gets to me! Im not having a dance but my FI is dancing with his mom, and im totally ok with that! Im doing little things to incorporating. I have a poem that im putting on a hankie to wrap around flowers.
Dear Lord please clear a spot for him
he should have the perfect view.
His little girl’s a Bride today,
and I am counting on you.
Let me feel his presence;
as I journey down the aisle.
But let me notice his absence;
if only for a while.
Let me stop to think of him;
As I am given away.
And know that if he could;
he would be here with me today.
Dear Lord please clear a spot for him;
he should have the perfect view.
And if he should get sad today;
Dear Lord I count on you.
I am so sorry to hear about your dad! It's tough losing a parent.
My dad died unexpectedly of heart failure in October. I found out on Tuesday (which was also my 28th birthday...major suck!!). I had gotten engaged that weekend and I was never able to tell him that I was getting married. I tried calling him on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday and his phone was off the hook (so he most likely died a few days before his friend found him, but his death date is still my birthday). When I found out he died I was crushed. It was so hard to get over the fact that he didn't know I was getting married, nor will he be able to walk me down the isle/be at my wedding/be in my life. My dad was my favorite parent and it's so hard not having him here to talk to.
It's been a few months and it's easier - so don't worry, it will get easier. I still think about him every single day and that void will never be filled. Lean on your FI, your friends, your family - it helps. Cry. Laugh. Scream. Just be. If you cry too much/get depressed don't worry, it's normal, but just go see your doctor.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do to honor/remember him at my wedding, but I'm thinking about putting his picture in a locket and attaching it to my bouquet. God, it's so hard to think about this!! I'm at work...sooo.... I'm not sure about the father/daughter dance - maybe we'll cut it, or maybe I'll dance with the father-in-law, or maybe I'll dance with one of my brothers, or my mother. No idea.
Just hang in there!
Oh! The coolest thing is that my dress is supposed to come in on May 25th - HIS birthday!! So, I know that even though I wasn't able to tell my dad I am getting married he knows, and he has given me his blessing :)
@ms. rice crispy treat: Oh my goodness. I can't imagine this. I can't imagine not being able to say anything beforehand. I am so sorry. I love the locket idea.
I have my dad's wedding ring that my mom had cut into a spiral and fashioned into a pin for me when I was little. I am probably going to put that on my bouquet.
@ms. rice crispy treat: I think that's the hardest part -- thinking about what wasn't said. I lived about an hour from my mom, and I had talked to her on Wednesday about visiting for Christmas that Saturday... she died Thursday. I hadn't seen her since before Thanksgiving because she spent that holiday with my sister and then it was final exams and the end of the semester craziness. I didn't really think much of it and with Christmas being so close, I figured I'd just see here then. I am glad your dress comes in on his birthday!
@Miss.Lace: That poem is beautiful, and it's making me cry just reading it now.
elliegraye: It's amazing that they were able to be married like that. A true testament to love and a reminder of what our weddings should be. Driving alone is when it hits me a lot, too.
I am sorry to read all the stories here, but it sounds like we are keeping our loved ones alive in our hearts. :)
I lost my dad Sept of 2009 unexpectedly of a heart attack. It is so hard for me. My life now is so different. There are times where I break down and cry. I think about him everyday when I drive in to work. I was best friends with my dad. We had a rare relationship. I always say I would prefer to have a crazy, adventerous, 'hip' dad who had a short life than a dad who is an absolute bore who lives til 90.
For the wedding I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything. I'm afraid I will just lose it and bawl. I might have the DJ play "just like heaven" by the Cure. We danced to that when I was 2 on his vinyl record. I might have the DJ say that we used to dance to it and then have everyone come up and dance.
I know no matter what I do it's going to be very hard for me to not have him there on my wedding day. ****hugs to everyone****. this isn't an easy thing.
I am very sorry about your father. As you can see, you are in good company here:)
My father died 16 years ago. My wedding day wasn't a whole lot easier than it would have been if he had died more recently. All these years I wondered who would walk me down the aisle. For a long time, I thought I would just walk down by myself. I have a step-father, brother, uncles but really hated the idea of a "sub". A couple days before, I asked my mother. It kind of just came over me. I thought she would say no because she is very traditional. However, she was OK with it.
As far as honoring my father, I just had a section of my program for him, our grandparents and a niece. I titled it "With Us in our Hearts". We did all our crying in the days beforehand. We had a strict "no crying after make-up" rule.
Instead of a father/daughter dance, I had a parent/child dance. I danced with my step-father (he is really good to me and deserved some honor), DH danced with his mother. Almost all our guests had a parent there, so it worked out really well. Had my father died more recently, I probably would have skipped this entirely because I just couldn't have handled it.
You are going to have good days and bad days. It really takes a couple years to feel like things are normal. Holidays can be horrible, but remember it is just a day. And 24 hours later, it'll be over. Don't dread your wedding day--on the actual day you will have very little time to think about your dad. You'll get up the aisle, probably be a little emotional and then the rest of it is about you and your new husband. And I think your dad would want it that way.
@Miss.Lace: bawling like a baby--great poem
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Hi bees,
This is my first time around the hive since mid January after being here daily for over a year. My dad passed away 3 weeks ago and I am just heartbroken. He had cancer and was undergoing a lot of rigorous treatment, but I always thought he'd come out on top. He declined very quickly and was on hospice for only 1 day before he died. I knew it was a possibility that he wouldn't be here for the wedding, but I'm just struggling with not having him here period and the fact that our wedding is in 3 months just makes things harder.
Any advice from bees who've been in this situation? How are you honoring/remembering your parent on your wedding day? (I'm especially confused about the father/daughter dance). Any tips on handling day to day grief?