Hi OP. Hugs. We should talk…I’m sad too 🙁 My step-dad was my closest dad (my bio dad has entered my life at moments and disappeared, kind of estranged relationship, etc etc). He was the best dad, grandparent to my kids. He was an incredible person and he passed away on Feb 7th in hospice on Vancouver Island. I am in shock, and grief goes from anger, shock, sorrow, excruciating heart break, ups and downs… I feel slightly traumatized over the medical aspect of his cancer here…the lack of treatment. His battle was esophagael cancer, stomach cancer that spread. I’ll summarize ..perhaps help me clear my jumbled thoughts about it: He went to the ER 4 times over the past year for pain in tummy, chest pain. The last was in November when it got hard to eat and heartburn pain. All of a sudden he couldn’t swallow. He went in a they gave him a scope (which they did NOT do before, and should have) and found a tumour. He was diagnosed Nov 26th, stayed in hospital till Dec 6th waiting for a surgery appt an hour away. Transferred to see if they could remove it, opened him up, closed him up saying 4th stage cancer spread throughout stomach, abdominal wall, tumour in esophagus so large almost closed off. Able to get stent in to take bits of water. Told 3-6 months to live and no surgical treatment that is viable. Out of hospital around the 12th of Dec with IV Pole, feeding tube in, stent in place, drugs…able to move around, feeling horrible. Wait for cancer clinic appt call. Get referral into cancer clinic here 3 times. No word. Pain again, almost immediately. Can’t swallow. Gets horrible and goes back in after he tried to come to dinner out with us for my Fiance bday dinner. The last I saw him out. He went into hospital, transferred an hour away. Surgery for new stent. Worked. Pain horrible, nausea horrible. Bed open up in Hospice. Figure Drs know “cocktails” better to control nausea so move him there etc. Move there on the 21st of January.HIs cancer clinic appt was I believe on the 26th. My dad wanted some chemo. They say it’s too far gone. Then.. he starts swelling (feet) Feed tube falls out. They say they won’t put back in. They haven’t really been clear as to what “they know” in terms of if this is end of life. He said well I am not ready, I can’t do nothing! He thought he had a few months left. My mom and him were never married. Decide to marry in chapel at church on the 29th. Most beautiful ceremony I have ever seen. Packed. Hardly stand up, needs oxygen, pushed on wheel chair. Gets agitated a couple days later, then hallucinating and speakign with his dead father. Then becoming coherent and knowingly was like WTH is going on?? , Then all of a sudden he was like in acoma, but not. Sleeping, “googly eyes”, not functioning. He awoke once when I put my hand on his face, and he sat up. He was trying to open eyes, respond when he was” out”. He would squeeze hand when yes, if my mom asked him a question. he lost so much weight over n ight. The last thing he did was on the Saturday after he awoke, he turned to my mom, waved and blew her a kiss. he called her “wifey”. He started gagging and coughing…they put nasal pump in. He died 24 hours later. SOOOO traumatizing….
Sorry for Too Much Information…it was worse but I can’t write some of those things. It was my first experience with cancer and I am still scared.
I too wonder…who will walk me down the aisle? I’m not asking my bio dad. He never acted like my dad, and although there for a few years in my teenage years-other than that, not around…
I’m sad about it. He was so happy go lucky. Maybe my mom will walk me, maybe I’ll go alone. I’m too scared to go all by myself in front of all those people…
I’m hoping to attach a little picture in mini frame to hang on from my bouquet. I saw it somewhere with a heart shape pic on it. That’s as far as I have gotten. I’m trying ot get back in to the spirit of wedding planning -the happy fun “light” stuff in my life right now…it’s hard.
My full on breakdowns seem to happen in the evening, at night, and in the car driving. I’m busy-I have two kids. Then I remember and I break down. It’s like did I just dream this feeling.
I said in someone else’s post what I have been telling myself-just remember it’s okay to cry, okay to be angry, okay to be sad, and okay to find joy in some little things when you can.