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I am also struggling with this exact issue - a close friend has an emotionally and verbally abusive partner - so I hope somebody has good insight for us.
I think there are a few things to think about.
First, it's your wedding and you want to be surrounded by people who you care about. You don't want anyone there who is going to seriously detract from the day, and it seems like this is a guy you can't ignore.
On the other hand...
Is it going to cause problems for her if he's not invited? If he's abusive, won't he have a problem with her going to a function without him? If so, what kind of fallout could that bring? It's not on you if he does something to hurt her, not in the least. Everything he does is on him. But if you anticipate that this will cause problems for her, it's something to consider...especially since it means someone needs to talk to her if it's that bad.
They are technically a social unit. It's hard to invite her without inviting him. It's very valid that you hadn't counted on him when you counted the guestlist 6 months ago, but are you making exceptions for any other guests? If so, will she find out about it and be upset?
I think you need to tell her the real reason why you don't want to invite him if you have any chance of her leaving him. This is a really difficult situation for you, and it's hard to be supportive of someone who won't leave a bad situation. I'm sorry you have to face this.
I know I wouldn't invite a person that I knew to be abusive to my wedding, no matter what social conventions dictated. I do not want a person like that in my life. But this decision could have repercussions for your friendship so I would try and think out all of the possibilities before making your decision. If you're looking for permission to not invite him, you'll find it. You do not need to invite a violent person to your wedding. I'm not inviting a violent person to my wedding, and that person is my brother. So maybe I'm not the best person to talk to because I'm clearly biased.
My MOH's semi-estranged husband is not invited because of the way he has treated me and my fiance over the past year. They used to be BFFs but he has shunned my FI. Meanwhile, my BFF/MOH and the guy are "working on things" while she and their kid live with my FI and me, and the husband doesn't help out with anything, blames all their marital problems on us and continues to avoid my FI and me. My FI believes that the guy will attempt to screw up our wedding day in some way shape or form, even though he is not very clever :) My MOH is very understanding of our not inviting him to the wedding. He made his bed, you know?
In short, its your day and you have the right to invite or not invite anyone you please!
to those of you who keep telling brides its their day - its first their and their fiance's day. But once they include others (i.e. invite people to celebrate) it ceases being just their day.
OP, you should invite this boyfriend. I think it will cause a lot more pain for your friend if he is not included. He might very well take that as an insult from one of her friends, and become angry at HER, rather than at you. And he might not allow her to attend if only she is invited, if he is that abusive.
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I am friends with this lady who is actually an ex coworker who moved away. We still keep in touch and she is very personable always asking me how my plans are coming along, supportive, etc. When she moved away I did not know if we were going to keep in touch and figured if we did I woud invite her.
At this time she was not dating anyone (she has been away for about 6 months now) and out of the blue she tells me how she is dating her ex bf again and get this now she is preggers with twins from him.
This man is an abusive alcholic who would beat her up and she would come to work with black eyes and of course make up stories about it. My boss would try and help her and have her go to counseling. She also had 2 other abortions from him, they lived together for 9 yrs. Finally, 2 yrs ago she got away from him and dated another really great man. He's cheated on her numerouse times and brings nothing good to the table. I thought she was doing better but, apparently, only knows drama.
So I really pains me to hear her talk about this man and do not want to see him at my wedding. She can date him but I do not approve and it is just a matter of time before he starts doing this again to her.
My boss is also invited to my wedding he is concerned about seeing him. He is just a piece of $#@** and even my fiance does not want to invite him.
Has anyone else experience this and what did you do? Were you able to not invite their plus one?
I was thinking of telling her that our budget and space is very limited and when I counted on invites (6 months ago) he was not included in this. The thing is that she is pretty spacey and clueless that this might work.