Post # 1
I was wondering if there were any other bees that have been in my situation before and overcome it?
Almost 3 years ago DH had cheated on me with someone who was very close to his family. No sex was invovled, just texts, calls, and kissing twice. Everything came out in the open one day and shit hit the fan. It has taken me years to get over it and move on. Our relationship grew stronger and we’ve moved on.
Anyone else go through something like this?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2016 - Santa Barbara Courthouse
@figgnewton: Yes. My SO and I are really young still and we’ve been together since high school (for 7 years) and there were a couple instances of cheating on her part that I honestly just attribute to us still being kids at the time and not realizing how damaging something like that can be to a relationship that you want to stay in and you want to be a good relationshio. Well, obviously it was damaging.
And I can’t say that I’m really completely over it yet. But I can say that I feel like in the end, it did good things for our relationship. It made her realize how seriously she took our relationship and how she didn’t want it to end. And it made us both realize how important honesty and trust is in a relationship. And it made us both better at communicating to the other person when we’re having problems in the relationship instead of acting out because we’re unhappy or anxious.
A lot of people judge me (it seems like even more so than they judge her) for staying with her after her cheating. I know my family does, for sure. And friends just don’t understand it. I think because I’m still so young and they think I’m being naive, maybe? Did you encounter judgement when you decided to forgive/stay with your DH?
Post # 4
Yes, I had a full blown affair for 6 months around 3 years ago.
My DH found out and asked me to leave. After 3 months he was ready to start working on our relationship and our relationship has grown and become stronger. It doesn’t work this way out for everyone but we worked hard and are very happy as a result.
Post # 5
@missjayb: Yes we are both 21 and have been together since high school. I got alot of flack for staying. My response was, “When I’M ready to give up I will step away. As of right now I’M not ready to give up the love of my life.” It’s hard because I’ve lost a couple friends over it.
Post # 6
@dannielle89: Same here. I asked him to leave and after contemplating it and talking it over with him, I just wasn’t ready to give up. We have grown so much stronger and are very happy!
Post # 7
Just to add on, our family and friends have been very supportive. Before the affair DH was very depressed and became withdrawn and aggressive towards me and those around us. After the affair he did a total 180 and is a dream boat. It was hard as lots of people “understood” why I did what I did but that didn’t help with me taking accountability for my actions and helping DH heal.
Post # 8
@figgnewton: No, I haven’t. Normally I try to see all sides of a situation, but for me, cheating is a black and white issue. It is one of the few things that are a complete deal breaker for me. If my FI ever cheated, I would walk and never look back. I just don’t think I could get over the hurt, and more importantly, ever trust him again. I know a lot of couples manage to overcome it but I can’t wrap my head around how.
I feel like if someone is unhappy enough to cheat, they should come to you as the first source of fixing the problem. I don’t feel that stepping out of the relationship is ever okay. I know I would feel like he thought I wasn’t good enough, and after many years I have come to a place where I truly respect myself. As such, I demand that same respect from my partner and I won’t let anyone ever take it away from me. I know everyone copes differently though.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@figgnewton: Yup. Was way way WAY in the past and very hard at the time for both of us at the time, but we’re better than ever now!
eta: So my FI isn’t accidentally maligned here, it was me doing the cheating. Quite complicated (semi-open relationship, etc) but I was definitely in the wrong. Crazily and wonderfully enough, the 3 of us involved in the love triangle are still really really great friends – we’re going to his wedding in a few weeks 🙂
Post # 10
Fiancé and i had a “hiccup” before sort of same situation but it was conversations taking place with his ex. It was betrayl in my eyes because he was only communicating with her while I wasn’t around. I forgave him and when I decided to forgive it took a while to not be suspicious But in the end I realized I can’t sit around worrying about what if’s. I have to trust him, not for him but for me. We are still together and I learned that you can’t control other people. you have to give blind faith.
Post # 11
Don’t tell him, but I’m sure I could move past an affair if DH were to have one.
In the past, though, I have not been able to say that! (Other people have cheated on me, and I couldn’t move past it)
Post # 12
NOPE…my ex cheated on me, and I would NEVER let myself be disrespected like that again….PERIOD…
I also would NEVER disrespect my FI in that way…
Post # 13
Yes – my FI had a one nighter with someone he worked with whilst they were away for work. It happened about 3 years ago when I was pregnant with our child. I knew something had happened becasue I worked with them at the time and travelled to the same location the next day – they were very awkward around me. I asked him straight out whether something had happened and was lied to. I kpet asking off and on for a few years because something always felt off about the whole situation.
He ended up getting a new job elsewhere and I went on 12 months maternity leave. When I returned to work she went out of her way to be nice to me and would come over to my desk for chats (something she had never done in the past – which seemed strange). Once again I asked him…. and FINALLY he admitted it. It sounds so strange but I was SUPER relieved when I found out. I felt like my suspicions were justified and I was not losing the plot (or just being crazy hormonal as I was pregnant when it happened and my suspicions began). This feeling quickly turned to all of the stages of greif though – denial, anger, hatered, depression etc. I was so, so, hurt, mostly because I just knew something had happened and was lied to constantly when I asked directly about it. He was a real mess over it all – he kept asking what I was going to do. It was so hard, all I could tell him at the time was that I knew where we were – Point (a) in hell, hurt and untrusting and I wanted to get to Point (b) feelign safe, loved and staying together. I just didn’t know how to get from (a) to (b). Does that make sense? It has taken a long time to get through this.. I wouldn’t say I was “over it” but I’m getting better. We talk about it a lot. I dont know if that is the right thing to do, but I feel I have to talk to him about it a lot because I work with her still and seeing her is a constant reminder of what happened. I find that when I have time off work I actually begin to forget and not think about it constantly… it’s just the rest of the time (whislt working) that I really struggle with it.
I thought about quitting my job but I worked really hard to get where I am today and I refuse to let other people’s actions be the reason I have to give it up. But I honestly think that if I didn’t see her every working day that I would be able to get through this a lot better.
I do feel like we’ve become stronger over the whole situation. We def talk more about how we’re feeling & he has been a lot calmer and less withdrawn since it all came out.
Post # 14
@figgnewton: Kudos to you for fighting for your marriage and working things out.
@BrandNewBride: +1, this exactly! Let’s hope that never happens though because it would be very very very difficult to get past.
Post # 15
I have a question for those who have overcome this
I’ve always thought that I could never forgive cheating because even if I tried, I feel like I would always fear him cheating when he goes out without me. If we tried to work it out, I think it would end up with me smothering him and driving him away because I wouldn’t trust him.
Right now, I completely trust him. He can go whereever/whenever he wants, and I wouldn’t second guess him. He has female friends and I don’t get bothered by it at all. I feel like this trust is what makes us the couple that we are.
I just don’t know how I’d ever regain that trust.
Post # 16
SO and I have had a few problems like this in the past. It has never crossed the line to the point where I would absolutely break up with him (sex), but he has had some hiccups with at least one emotional affair, flirting, and online hookup websites. It’s hard and painful. To answer your question memo, there has been a large degree of trust lost on my part. In our first months of dating, boyfriend took a three week trip to Italy with his family followed by a one week stay in the mountains for a church camp. I never thought twice about it. I mean, I missed him, but I had zero burning suspicion. Now I can hardly bear for him to go out of town for a few days because I am afraid of what could happen. Like some other posters said, I chalk a lot of his behavior up to age. We were extraordinarily young when we got together, fifteen and seventeen. He has given me no cause for concern in this department in a long time. I know he loves me, and I love him. But I lost a ton of self-confidence due to his former obession with other women and it will take a long time yet to rebuild that. We grow closer everyday and I am working out my trust issues, but I don’t know if our relationship will ever go back to those carefree days before he started having issues.