Has anyone's future in laws turned on them after the engagement?

posted 4 weeks ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
618 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It sounds like they liked you but now they don’t because you’re getting married? Do they disaprove of the marriage? It does seem weird that a change happened so suddenly… 

But your FI should not be blaming you. He should believe you and support you. He should be trying to smooth things over on your behalf if there are any issues. Problems like this tend to escalate upon marriage. Is he not going to have your back then? That isn’t a good pattern for the start of a marriage. 

So I would focus on getting in one accord with him and deal with the in laws later. 

 

Post # 4
Member
4165 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Wow, if you cannot depend on your FI to have your back, who can you depend on? I think this is a MAJOR issue that needs to be worked out prior to marriage. 

Post # 6
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

Mine went from being a potential second set of parents to just plain crazy. They said and did some hurtful things leading up to the wedding and then went back to being normal right after. We were seriously baffled. DH never made excuses for them but then again he often didn’t notice the backhanded comments. Once he did, he started standing up for me. As other bees mentioned, your FI needs to have your back.

Post # 7
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

Mine aren’t turning on me persay, but they ARE showing their true colors. Everything was always super formal and they were always very polite and kind to me while we were dating. Since we got engaged I’ve seen them fight with each other at the dinner table, FFIL gets wasted every time we see him, FMIL basically tolerates him snapping at her all the time and sometimes she snaps right back. It almost seems like the future in-laws have turned on their own son rather than on me. I definitely would’ve questioned dating someone who came from this kind of a family, and honestly sometimes I still do. The one biggest reason that I’ve stayed is because my fiance is very good about learning to build good habits. It’s incredibly frustrating- to the point where we’ve basically been avoiding them now.

Post # 8
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

This is happening to me but FI is on my side. I’m sorry yours isn’t, that’s a big red flag. 

Post # 9
Member
872 posts
Busy bee

This is sort of happening to me right now, but I think that’s more because my Future In-Laws are not from this country so there are a certain set of cultural expectations that magically appear out of nowhere on how to interact with family/in laws after engagement/marriage that weren’t there before. Personally, mine was triggered by a phone conversation and follow up text that I didn’t even realize was rude until I got a staged intervention from FI and his family. But now we are slowly patching up.

Can you think of anything (even any little thing) that could have been miscommunicated recently between you and them? Or is there information that they know that you don’t? I’m sorry this is happening to you 🙁

Post # 10
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

clairhuxtable :  I want to echo what a lot of PPs have said here; your FH should be on your side.

Regardless if you are imagining it, or blowing it out of proportion, he should have a default attitude that the two of you are a team, and you deserve the benefit of the doubt. I think that is a much bigger issue than whatever weird way his family may be acting.

My first step would be to try and tell FH how much it hurts you that he isn’t taking your concerns more seriously. Tell him it’s important to you that you have a good relationship with his family and you need his support to make that happen. 

I’d also follow that up by asking him what he thinks you could do to make an overture that might mend fences between you and the family. It’s possible if he realizes you’re willing to make an effort, he might feel less need to defend them against you. Also, asking him for tips might help you avoid some of the family politics that are always a little hard to see for a newcomer. 

Hopefully if you frame it in these terms, he’ll feel able to offer some advice, and it might also prompt him to look more closely and pick up on some of the things you’re seeing that he hasn’t.

Sorry this is happening. People are weird. 

 

Post # 11
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

This kind of happened to me but I kind of forced DH to marry me and his parents knew that.  So I think that was the main reason for them sort of turning on me.

I really felt they didn’t like me for a long time after we got engaged and married.  I think his dad was constantly trying to get him to break our engagement but of course DH refused.  DH always had my back though and tried his best to smooth things over but yeah it was awkward for a while.

Things turned around after we had our first kid (their only grandchild).  Man where they nice to me after that!!  I think they thought if they weren’t I wouldn’t let them see their only grandchild.  Btw I wouldn’t have ever done that but it’s nice that they were scared of that.  Ha.

Hopefully things turn around!  I’m kind of mad for you that your FH isn’t doing more to smooth things over!!  I would demand that now.

For me I was fine that they didn’t like me, all that mattered was DH and I and our relationship.  I was happy with that.

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