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Well, Im not a paranoid person - but I do have negative thoughts that sometimes do just affect my way of thinking, then Im like " nooo stopppp- think positive " lol.
my dad cheated on my mom- ( they are now back together but incredibly miserable, especially since he has other kids from the other chica ) So hes going through so much tryin to support such a big family, they dont love each other- but do respect one another sometimes. lol so weird I know.
Anyway, I love my FI so much- but wha my dad did actually scarred me- and makes me worry and think about all the " what if's '-
problem is back before my FI even striaghtened up his act - he was the party type, always at the club- mingling, u kno the club type kind of guy- and he actually ended up cheating on his then gf- he was just the player type. now hes not like that at all, and of course grown up , etc etc, but Im just so afraid.
I know he loves me SO much, and im his world and all that, but with what my dad did, it actually affected me more then I ever thought. like sometimes when I think of our future, I think about what if he came and told me tht, how would I react? then I realize that if I start something with the idea of failure it will fail because of how I put my mind set.
Sigh..
I don't worry about things I can't control.
Either I trust him, or I don't - I would never check e-mails or anything like that
A friend of mine asked me this just the other day. I told her that while you can be realistic about a relationship failing, you should also be realistic about it lasting.
That being so, I trust my FI to never cheat on me. He's been hurt really badly by his ex FI cheating and so I just know he'd never do that to me. But I do know that while he trusts me he still has issues about cheating.
Have you thought about talking to your FI about this and explaining about your father? He might be able to put your fears to rest himself. :)
I mean it's crossed my mind because we've had talks about how important it is to us to be faithful no matter what. We've both been cheated on and both wouldn't want to do that to the other person. I think it's worth it to talk to him about your fears without sounding needy or clingy. In my case it's FI who's more worried so we talk about it whenever he needs to. If he won't talk about it or gives you reasons to think he's doing something shady then yeah, be worried. But don't worry over nothing.
I had a bad experience with the guy I dated prior to my FI. I had dated this guy for nearly 2 years (my longest relationship to that date). While I don't know if he necessarily cheated, he definitely didn't treat me with respect. He knew that I was uncomfortable with him hanging around these two girls, and he would say things to anger me more (great guy, right? :-)).
I was nervous about my FI cheating, especially during the first year we were in a semi-LDR (he was two hours away, so we saw each other most weekends, but rarely through the week). However, he has always treated me with respect, always been honest. I am a worrier by nature, and what comes to mind is some girl trying something with him, not necessarily him seeking it out (we are currently living 5 hours apart while he finishes up grad school).
I did tell my FI (then boyfriend) about my past and my insecurities. I think it made things a little easier on us, because he could see where I was coming from.
The way I think of it is this.
I trust him and I "swear I know he would never cheat", and I live my life that way.
HOWEVER, I do realize people are surprised all the time. How many people have been shocked to find out they were cheated on.
You "know" until you are wrong. People truly believe things all the time until proven wrong and this is another one of those. The world is flat, etc.
But you can't let the fear rule your life because I do believe you can create your own worse fear.
We had both been cheated on before so it came up. I don't really think about it though. I'm not suspicious of him.
Not really. I've been cheated on before (in other relationships), but DH makes me feel secure. Whatever happens will happen--that's how I live my life. Yes, it would hurt, and yes, I would leave. But why should I waste my time worrying about something that may never happen?
I feel that way.. my ex of 3.5 years left me.. for a stripper... dumb me got back with him, only to be together for a year. I have seen my friends grandparents get divorced. He was having an affair for 25 years.
My FI has never done anything to make me feel he would do something awful. His mom and brother are amazing and says he would never do that since he saw what his mom had to go through. I am still scared that after a few years he might get bored of me or want someone younger when we get older.
I hate feeling this way, but most of the time I try to think positive. It's hard sometimes with the way the world is today.
The way they put stuff on these phones where you can hide texts and pictures. Apps to chat with people. So many things everywhere. I think it's crazy.
@Misfit: A friend of mine asked me this just the other day. I told her that while you can be realistic about a relationship failing, you should also be realistic about it lasting.
Perfectly said. I had trust issues too in the beginning of FI and I's relationship. After making myself, and my friends crazy I finally realized I was projecting my own "stuff", from past relationships, insecurities, etc, onto him and our relationship. I dated, almost exclusively, emotionally unavailable man-children before FI, so I had some emotional baggage I needed to dump.
If he's not giving you a reason to feel this way then you need to let go of the past and move forward. If you can't do it on your own, talk to someone.
Do you read dan savage? He's cynical about it, saying most men are pretty good at monogamy if they only cheat a few times in their lifetime.
I will say I wouldn't end the marriage over a fling. People are human and humans make mistakes.
I think about it sometimes but only because my fiance travels for work and is gone M-F, 45 weeks a year. He's spending the majority of his time in his hotel, at hotel bars, and out with his fellow coworkers. I envision him connecting with someone in another city out of lonliness, but it's just a vision in my head. I trust him completely but I'm not blind to the fact that it'd be 'easy' for either of us to find comfort in someone else. I know that we both make the conscious decision not to, and we are very committed to this relationship and our future marriage.
I also would not leave him if he had a fling. I also wouldn't want to know about it. ;)
Some people are ok with giving someone a second chance, some people have open marriages. I would leave my husband. Why would you stay with him if he cheated? That's saying.. it's ok?
Most divorces don't end over cheating. If couples divorce, cheating is the manifestation of other symptoms of what was wrong with the marriage in the first place.
@ribbons: I read Dan Savage. I love him.
yeah, i think about it. but it would be so weird because i'm the only real girlfriend he's ever had
We leave the lines open. Sexual attraction can be totally separate from emotional attraction, FI and I both feel and agree on this. I trust that he would never get involved with someone he had more than just a sexual attraction to. Other than that, if he wants to sleep with someone and thats all it is, fine. And vice versa. It's very freeing.
I never worry that he'll sleep with someone and fall in love with them, because if it happens then it is meant to and there is nothing I could have done about it anyways.
Like @megbon12 said... why worry about things you can't control? If it happens, cross the bridge at that point.
I worry about it.
You would think I wouldn't since my FI's first marriage broke up because his ex cheated on him while he was away with the military with a mutual friend of theirs. Not just once, but she had a full blown affair and actually just bought a house with him (using money my FI had to give her so she would let him have the house and the dog).
But....
He goes away with work a lot and while away he did something at a bar one night while drunk that was found out by me with some pretty decent proof. It was only emotional cheating but has opened up the 'flood gates' of paranoia for cheating. He says that almost losing me over that incident has scared him "straight" and that it, or anything worse will never happen.
We've gone to therapy together, I've gone alone and basically what it ended up being is me being told that I either trust him now, or I don't. There is nothing I can do to change what will be. Even with this advice, I am still worried about it.
For instance, my FI will go on a one week vacation otherwise known as "decompression" which is mandatory for soldiers coming home from a deployment. On these vacation weeks the troups go insane. Hookers, booze and cheating galore. I am ALREADY constantly fearing this week and I wonder what the hell will happen.
I hate that I feel this way and this deployment is hard enough.
I wish I never found out about the emotional cheating because once the cheating fear is instilled in someone, I really wonder... can it ever truly go away?
It's crossed my mind, but it comes in and goes out. FI has never done anything to make me think he would cheat on me and I'm not worried even a tiny bit that he would ever cheat. I trust him 100% and if he DID cheat, it would be the surprise of a lifetime to everyone we know. He's just not that kind of guy!
I never worry about it, I trust him completely. He is completely honest about everything & has been cheated on (and severely scarred by it) in the past. We both pretty much look down on cheaters....
Not really. He's been cheated on so he knows how it feels. We've talked about cheating before and he's told me he's never cheated on any of his x gfs. I do believe he is a loyal person and trust him 100%.
It has crossed my mind since I was cheated on before, but I try to trust FI as much as I can. I don't check his emails, phone, or computer and he does not check mine. The day I have reason to do this is the day that I stop trusting him.
I try not to think about it. As far as I know, nobody has cheated on me before...Still, I get jealous and insecure sometimes. I see it as MY issue, not his.
When we first met I told him he could be free to do as he wished but just be prepared to suffer the consequences of his actions. He got the meaning behind that.
I'm jealous of his past. His previous wife/Fi got more of his time and energy than I get and even though circumstances change, I sometimes wish that I was the one who went on those trips or hikes, or whatever....I'm not jealous of the women themselves...just of the time they shared.
@ribbons: I'm a big fan of Dan Savage's harshly realistic perspectives on love and sex.
Yeah, I've thought about it. Who hasn't? I think it would depend on the circumstances. If he cheated while we were happy, I'd be a lot more upset than if he cheated while we were having problems. And I still don't know whether I would leave him or not. Just because he strays doesn't mean I should have to lose a husband.
When I found out that my mom stayed with my dad through a few affairs, I couldn't believe it. When I asked her why, she looked at me like I was stupid and needed an explanation with small words. "Because," she said, "marriage is forever. You don't agree to stay married just as long as everything is perfect. You get married to be married! If you've got problems, you work them out. You don't throw the marriage in the trash." I really admire her for her commitment, even when it was painful for her. I hope that I would deal with a cheating spouse in the same way.
(PS: ScottSouth, I know you're reading this. This isn't license for you to cheat, friend!)
You are SO not alone in that!
I was severely jealous of those same things and more of my FI's ex wife. Plus we live in the house they bought together, so it's kind of a daily reminder. Plus I feel that she was better at all that stuff since she is in the Army too and I am a bit of a fashionista. (Not that I'm afraid to break a nail, but I'm the type to fix that manicure the next convenient moment :P)
It is subsiding a whole heck of a lot, but surfaces every now and again. but its really hard and I feel your angst. ((hugs))
It crossed my mind early on in our dating/talking phase... only because I knew he had been with a lot more women than I had men and I worried about it early on. I know that I can trust him, and I know that he is an extremely faithful man... and if he wanted to be with those other women then he would have stayed with them!
We have both been cheated on... so we both know how deep that hurt runs.
It is a possibility, in every relationship, with every person, that one in the couple can cheat. We ALL have the choice to do that- there is nothing physically keeping any of us from cheating on our SO/spouse. We trust they won't do it, and we try to keep the relationship happy and fulfilling so that there would or should never be a reason for it to happen. But we all have to accept that we can't know every minute of how they spend their time, every phone call or email or text they send, every conversation they ever have. Do I think my husband has the character that would lead him to cheat? Not really. Do I understand that I could be surprised one day and find out he HAS cheated? Sure.
IMO, complacency is what leads to cheating. In all aspects of the relationship. You stop caring enough to talk to one another, to pay attention to one another, to have sex, whatever. You become too complacent and stop treating one anothe as spouses and more as roommates, or coworkers, or business partners running a house together. That disconnect is what leads to cheating; if you're not getting satisfaction at home, you'll find it somewhere else. If you try and foster those areas, and work hard to make sure you don't get too complacent in your relationship, you have a better shot of never being cheated on (and never feeling the need to cheat). But the complacency, the "I don't have to put in the effort anymore; what's the point, I know he/she'd never cheat anyway" is the first step toward creating the possibility of infidelity occurring.
It is a possibility, in every relationship, with every person, that one in the couple can cheat. We ALL have the choice to do that- there is nothing physically keeping any of us from cheating on our SO/spouse. We trust they won't do it, and we try to keep the relationship happy and fulfilling so that there would or should never be a reason for it to happen. But we all have to accept that we can't know every minute of how they spend their time, every phone call or email or text they send, every conversation they ever have. Do I think my husband has the character that would lead him to cheat? Not really. Do I understand that I could be surprised one day and find out he HAS cheated? Sure.
IMO, complacency is what leads to cheating. In all aspects of the relationship. You stop caring enough to talk to one another, to pay attention to one another, to have sex, whatever. You become too complacent and stop treating one anothe as spouses and more as roommates, or coworkers, or business partners running a house together. That disconnect is what leads to cheating; if you're not getting satisfaction at home, you'll find it somewhere else. If you try and foster those areas, and work hard to make sure you don't get too complacent in your relationship, you have a better shot of never being cheated on (and never feeling the need to cheat). But the complacency, the "I don't have to put in the effort anymore; what's the point, I know he/she'd never cheat anyway" is the first step toward creating the possibility of infidelity occurring.
My ex FI cheated on me and it broke me down to a point where I question everyone because let's face it everyone lies. I trust my FI but with my past and with getting an anonymous email saying he was cheating on me the day we got engaged it does cross my mind a lot. That email was most likely from my ex trying to stir trouble but it still planted a seed in my mind that will always be there.
I think it's smart to watch for signs - weird behavior, etc., but I wouldn't have married him if I thought he'd ever do that. He's a good man and I'm very lucky. BUT, we both work HARD at our relationship and care about whether we make it. That's important.
I don't worry about. I trust him fully and he trusts me. IMO, you can't live your life worrying about things that might happen. You'll drive yourself crazy with the wondering and "what ifs".
@sarasouth: So you're saying that I'm only a friend and thereby have a license to cheat on you. Check.
I agree with @bRooklynRocks: in that cheating is usually the manifestation of other problems in the relationship. And I don't think of cheating as sex as much as I think of it as a combination of diverting one's affections for their partner onto another person and a lack of honesty and a breaking of one's trust and faith in a person.
I think I had hard and fast rules that I would leave someone who was cheating on me, but that when I was only dating. To me, if there's cheating in a relationship but you're not married, there's no need to continue. It's probably not meant to be. However, if you're married and there's cheating, you're married. That's a serious commitment. That needs to be honored and there needs to be long talk and analyzation about why and what caused this.
Earlier in my relationship with my FI, I would have the occasional fleeting worried thought when we had gotten in a fight or things felt strange or strained between us for various reasons, but that should be a signal to sit down and talk about and work things out with your partner, not to cheat. And I know that we're both of the same mind on this. At this point, We’re close enough and have discussed things enough that I don’t even think about her cheating on me.
I love, trust, and respect her enough to want to be committed enough to spend my life with her, then if there's a problem or things seem lacking, I'm going to try to talk with her and openly discuss where we are and what's going on, not use that as an excuse to break her trust or divert my attention elsewhere. That's the whole point of the commitment. She comes first. She’s my partner. We’re in life together from marriage on.
That being said, it’s always possible that someday I’ll discover that even though we’ve been totally and completely happy together and spent all of our time together, she’s been cheating on me the whole time we’ve been together and somehow finding enough hours in the day to live a whole secret second life. If that day ever came, I’m sure it’d pretty much shatter my faith in everything and I don’t know what I’d think. Life’s funny like that.
But I'm not going to live my life based on that or ever really give it any serious thought.
I was cheated on by my first husband and because of what I went through, I will never trust whoever I am with 100%. I was honest about that at the beginning of our relationship and he was okay with taking that on. He has never give me reason to doubt and if I am honest with myself, I do not believe he ever would cheat. But I feel like I can't put myself in the position of being blindsided again by complete trust. This is just my way of protecting myself. It's a shame one person can break a person like that, huh?
Hubs and I were both cheated on in the only other serious relationship either of us had, so I really have no worries about it. We both agreed that if either of us had any thoughts to cheat, than we would know that we need to sit down with the other spouse immediately and work this out. We discussed all the really hard things that most people won't early on, to make sure we both felt the same way. I believe that its not something either of us would ever have to deal with, but I'm not naive enough to believe that it couldn't ever happen. but I don't dwell on it at all
I worry about it occasionally, but I don't think he ever will. If he does, I'll just have to deal with it then. As for now, I'm 99.9999999999% sure he's not cheating on me. :)
Good answers everyone.
Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, he didnt show me or give me any reason to doubt him whatsoever !
I do know that it can be a possibility and I made it clear to him that if it ever happens I wont be in his life anymore.. but now after reading these answers, im thinking.. do I really mean that? would I really leave him- or do I work the problem out? And If I did stay and work it out, how can I ever trust him again to know he wont do it.. Or how can I ever not be " paranoid" with being with someone who cheated on me
I hope I never have to deal with it! lol.
Yes, all the time. Lol! But in a positive way... I.e. I better not just 'let myself go' or else. I should make the effort to look, feel, and be a good person for my DH.
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