Has wedding planning put a strain on your relationship with your fiancé?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1996 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We’ve had very few arguments.  I can remember one about our budget, that’s it. We’re really just trying to enjoy it & get through it! Lol It’s super stressful but we’re trying to be stressed out together so we’re not against eachother.  Focusing more on the fun stuff, food tasting, picked out wedding bands, picking music, etc. 

Post # 4
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada

We’ve had our moments through all of this for sure but now that we are 7 weeks out everything is back to pure bliss. 🙂 It is a really stressful thing and I think a lot of women put more emotion, time and effort into the wedding planning then the guys do which causes frustration and dissagreements. I have sometimes felt as if he doesn’t care and “does he really want to do this” but I have realised that to him it’s not about the details, it’s about making me his wife. Everything else is just fluff. I think most men see it that way and in a way he really does have a point.

I basically decided that instead of getting frustrated because he wasn’t getting involved or pulling his weight, I’d just do it all and make it happen. I keep him updated on what I am doing and check to see if it is something he cares about and if not, I make the decision, otherwise we make it together. I also sometimes ask if he has done “his tasks” if he hasn’t I don’t get upset or nag him about it. I’ve just gone ahead and fixed it myself.

He is now really proud and greatful for everything I have done and he has instead focussed on setting things up for our long term plans such as joint finances, savings plans etc which I think is great. He also picks up on stuff that I am a bit stressed over and tried to help (I was looking for a cake topper the other day and he didn’t liek anything I was suggestion and the following day he sent me an email from work with a really cute and very “us” one that he had found and asked me what I thought of that. I know he doesn’t really care about cake toppers but he cares about me being stressed about ti so he helped).

Basically what I am trying to say is maybe it’s worth giving him some breathing space from wedding plans and just get on with it yourself and try not to pick fights over wedding stuff. The commitment is a big deal for guys too but I find that they tend to deal with it in a different way. I also reccommend having wedding free days and date nights when you don’t discuss the wedding to just focus on the 2 of you.

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

Yes, and that’s before we’re even engaged. The money aspect and the family aspect put a huge huge strain on it, to the point where he kept pushing back our engagement timeline because of the money. His family is a huge source of drama and we knew that it would cause a lot of problems. We were constantly fighting and he would get angry any time i would mention anything wedding or engagment related.

Now, we’re blissfully happy. Why? We decided to elope/have a private destination wedding in Europe and it’s the best decision we’ve ever made. We’re throwing a party when we get home but we’re SO excited about our amazing, swanky, European “weddingmoon”. 

Post # 6
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@jg780806:  We have had a few discussions but he is doing his best to be supportive. I think the hard thing is that we are in grad school too. At the end of the day, I am exhausted between school and wedding stuff and he doesn’t understand. I think sometimes he feels kind of neglected… :/ I think that’s definitely something I need to work on with him. I’m going to go to my own counseling just to help me deal better with my stress so I can be more present in our relationship.

It may not be a bad idea to go to couples counseling with a Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor. It sounds like you two are a good couple but struggling with a lot of different things right now. It might be really hard to try to deal with it yourselves WHILE you are wedding planning. It might be really helpful to sit down with someone who can objectively, non-judgmentally walk you through everything. For instance, it might have a big impact on your FI if the counselor points out the discrepancies in his behavior with his parents as opposed to you pointing it out since your FI might just write off your concerns as being related to your stress about the wedding instead of the more serious concern that if he is marrying you he should have your back at all times!

Post # 7
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

We are planning our wedding, and I found it easiest and less stressful to give him a major project- the honeymoon.  It’s 100% his to decide on, plan, stress over, etc.  It takes that burden off me, gives him something fun to plan (who doesn’t love a vacation), and the rest of the wedding planning is up to me.  Sure I get his input from time to time, but I know it’s my part of our deal so there’s nothing to fight about really.

You’re stressed because he’s not pulling his weight, give him a specific part to plan and then just know the rest is on you, whether its the ceremony or the food, or the music etc that’s his part.  It’s really relieving actually to take the burden on yourself and know you won’t have to stress over him not helping because it’s no longer part of the deal.  Also in this deal is that you get to decide whether or not you like what is being done and not him, so he can’t side with his family because he no longer has a side to give!

That may sound harsh and not be feasible, but think of how much less stressed you’d be if you could make it work?

Post # 8
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This whole wedding planning has been wonderful for me. I won’t say it has brought us closer together, but we haven’t had any fights. Every time I get stressed out, he is there for me. We budgeted well and refuse to allow outside drama to get under our skins. We’ve been doing this teamwork thing for a while now, so I think we already had a system before this giant undertaking.

Post # 9
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It is a really stressful thing and I think a lot of women put more emotion, time and effort into the wedding planning then the guys do which causes frustration and dissagreement”

Very well said @MrsGo . We have disagreements (though I wouldn’t say all out fights) that really stem from the amount of DIY stuff we (me, ha) are doing. Once we hit 100 days I realized how much we have left to do-I feel like he is just thinking he has alllllll this time..except we have 79 days now. So there has been an increase, you are not alone. However, the family issues are probably going to always be there even after the wedding. It probably wouldn’t hurt to do some couples counciling just to get on the same page. 

Post # 10
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

In some ways, yes, but I think it has made us stronger too.  Mainly we have had some tension regarding our parents interfering with the wedding, and trying to nagivate that without picking sides or facing off against each other.  It has taught us both a lot about how we have to deal with our very different sets of parents, and how to create boundaries.  So although we have had a few big fights during the wedding planning process, I think it has made us better prepared for marriage.

Post # 11
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@jg780806:  ugh. This sounds just like me. combined with the fact that FI was unhappy with his job and where he was in life compared to his friends ahead of his 30th birthday, we almost called it off. He has come around since our blow-up and is now a little more involved. He actually tries to show a faint interest in the planning, because he knows how important it is to me. One of the things I love about him is how manly he is in all the other aspects of his life, so I guess I should have been more prepared for him to be a hands-off fiance when it came to wedding planning. He has helped with major decisions (venue, menu, tuxes) but I’m a details girl and that has been all on me. It’s definitely caused us to fight more, but I am sure we will be fine after its all over.

Post # 12
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

At the beginning, it did.  He has very strong wedding opinions and said he wanted to be involved, but at first I don’t think he really understood what it meant to help–he seemed to think that helping meant asking me how the wedding was coming along every couple of days.  I started feeling like his personal wedding planner, and I resented it a lot.  I have a lot of stuff on my plate right now, and it was just way more stress than I wanted to deal with on my own.

One of his best friends visited a few months ago and mentioned to my FI in confidence that I seemed really stresed out and not at all like myself.  And out of the blue, FI became the best wedding planning partner ever.  He took on our photographer search, worked on our venue contract, talked to his friends about whether or not we need a DJ, and just really started to put forth a ton of effort.  When my mom was being negative about our venue, he was totally ready to call her and tell her that she was hurting my feelings (I’m really not great at communicating my emotions to my mom).  The fact that he realized I was struggling and took responsibility has made me appreciate him so much more as a partner.

Post # 13
msjackrabbitMember
1080 posts
Bumble bee

Not at all! We’ve had a couple of little tiffs (mostly him just not doing what I’ve asked him to and procrastinating a lot) but he’s been really involved in the decision making!

I definitely think it’s helped us communicate more.

Post # 14
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

No fights for us, some tough decisions (to invite children or not) and some hassel from the parents (where we always support the other one rather than the folks) I wouldnt say I’m loving the planning too many decisions and too much to do. We would rather be having fun together than organising! But all in all, we are just getting closer and closer.

Post # 15
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jg780806:  Hey OP.  My FI and I are only approx. 2 months into engaged ‘bliss’, and our wedding is 9 months away.  I did not start planning most things until after the 4th of JUly, to give ourselves a few weeks to breathe, so we are ‘doing it all’ in about 10 months total.  And let me tell you…it has brought out a LOT of emotion, both good and UGLY.

I could go on and on about the little things that have blown up with us; such as, his lack of planning with me (which, is how he has ALWAYS BEEN, as far as social events have gone, so why I NOW expect him to change is not fair necessarily), our families lack of support (no one asks how we are doing…), my OCD rearing its ugly head, which means I am overly-organized and a tad ‘crazy’ with getting most things done, and finally my budget saaviness, which has led to a lot of sticker shock, and anxiety as far as wedding costs goes…(SO is more laid back, because we are not ‘breaking the bank’)

BUT, truthfully, the heart of our seemingly ‘rocky road’ this past month has been two things: 1) The ONLY person I want by my side to be here, and help me plan, and call a thousand times/day to run ideas with is my mom, and she is not here.  She passed away in 2011, and so my grief, which is showing its side thru anger at him (I think) is ‘new’, and 2) THIS IS IT…we are getting MARRIED, and VOWING in front of our family and friends to never give up.  Shit just got really real!!  And so, there has to be a normalcy with really looking at your partner, whom you wanted this with before, and not being overly senstivite to his quirks/traits/behaviors that existed before….

We are getting married in a Church, and are being asked really hard, but really good questions, and having to investigate those answers within one another, etc, et, etc.

I think that for MOST, if not all, will agree that from engagement to marriage there are going to be those moments where you ponder your future, and then when you communicate those feelings, potentially cause arguments or have anxiety.  THIS is a BIG deal.  Sure, wedding planning is about the day, but committing yourself to that person is for life.  It is an emotional roller coaster all the way around!

Post # 16
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@jg780806:  I feel thet allowing a wedding to cause problems in the relationship defeats the whole purpose of why you’re putting forth that work effort to begin with. I always try not to lose sight of the end goal – spending my life with my FI. Who cares if the flowers are perfect? We are having an elopement ceremony and it’s been a blast to plan. We just keep it light and focus on ourselves 🙂

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