(Closed) has your relationship changed with your family since you got engaged?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1792 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m curious, why didn’t your fiance spend time with your family as well, instead of you just spending time with him at home? I think that would have been good for your family’s relationship with him as well. You said your sister’s barely know your fiance…but have they been given the opportunity to do so? 

And honestly, you say you don’t want to stay over until your old room is re-done, and yet, you are not going home nearly as often, so I think its understandable that your parents are going to re-do your room. Circumstances change, and when I go home now, I have to share a room with my sister who is still in college. It sucks but its worth it to see my family. 

Honestly, I think it seems like the relationship has changed because you have chosen to spend much less time at home. Totally understandable, but I can see that your family would feel slighted in some ways and thus maybe that has shifted the dynamics with your family. I think if you and your fiance spend more time there together, it will be better for both of you, so your family can get to know him better and you can still spend time with your family working on your relationships with them. Honestly, family is 100% forever. I’m not saying that marriage isn’t, but I would not sacrifice my relationship with my family because god forbid if anything were to happen between you and your fiance, who would you have to turn to? 

Post # 5
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Yes – but not with my own family, with my FILs.  Almost all of them.  I had thought I had a really good relationship with FI’s family but in the last few months I am not as sure. 

I am getting really negative vibes from his parents, which hurt and upset me. I’m not entirely sure where its comming from, but may be because we are doing a lot of planning without them, not intentionally, but it happens.  Since my parents are paying for the wedding, it seems in bad taste to discuss the prices of the vendors with FIs family, and so we don’t invite them to vendor meetings. 

His grandparents are a whole different story in and of themselves, but are also affecting my realtionship with my futures (in-laws that is).  We are an interfaith couple, no suprise here, we’ve been dating for 5 years. But within the last few months, I’ve felt tremendous pressure and expectation from his g-parents to convert…which I would never do, nor have I even indicated I would.  Unfortunately, these feelings and circumstances are ignored by FI’s family. They tell me it is no big deal and to ignore it.  But it still happens and makes me more and more uncomfortable, to the point where I don’t want to visit them anymore.

I don’t think my relationship with his g-parents is going to get better, but I really hope my relationship with the futures do.  I really dislike the tension that wedding planning is causing in our relationship.

So yea, @starry: you’re not alone in this.

Post # 6
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@starry and @rachelrobin, thank you so much for posting your comments.  I have been going out with the bf for almost 6 1/2 years and I have been so close to his family from the start.  He is white and I am Asian and I have seen a lot of my relatives deal with not so-welcoming FILs because of race.  But, the bf’s fam have been so welcoming from the first day I met them – I became very close with his sisters, brother and parents instantly.  I have been on vacations with them, become close with all his siblings’ significant others and essentially become part of their family.  I have even spent time with them (one time for 8 days) when my bf has been working because we all got along so well.  There have been times that both the bf and I will joke with his family that I would have left him years ago if not for them.  For years, both our families and friends have asked when we are going to get married and let us know how psyched they are because they know it’s going to be quite the celebration.  His 15-yr old cousin just told me last week that he was looking forward to it and that really meant a lot to me (especially since I am in my 30s and am just glad any teenager thinks I am cool!) 

Though the bf and I have been planning on getting engaged forever, we had a lot we wanted to accomplish before so the last few months have been a bit stressful.  He asked my dad in July and we wanted to wait longer to finish up everything with work and grad school.  About a month ago, I suggested that the bf talk to one of his fam members to help vent/destress just like I have done with my parents and even his fam in the past.  He let his family know that he was planning on popping the question and that it was just a stressful time and their response to him was not good.  He came back home from visiting them and eventually it came out that they were worried he was getting forced into something he didn’t want to do.  I got somewhat upset but I figured there had to be some miscommunication and the bf assured me that he had straightened everything out but the wrong idea might still be out there.

Within a week, I noticed that I wasn’t getting included in family communication exchanges.  When I sent something to his sisters or mom, I noticed there was a very long delay in response time (which never really happened before) to no reply at all.  No more texts and when I tried to call anyone, I got voicemails.  I thought that since I have been stressed out myself, I was being super sensitive and I needed to get over it.  I would see everyone in a few weeks for Thanksgiving, an event that I have been attending for 6 yrs, and everything would be fine.  I told the bf that I was very apprehensive about the whole thing but he made me promise to go and told me that if anything happened, we would be gone.  As soon as we got out of the car after the 6-hr drive, I could feel the distance from his family.  One of his sisters had just started dating someone and he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.  Then I noticed no one was making eye contact with me or even talking to me.  I thought I was being sensitive still and I put myself out there and I noticed that no one was really responding to me at all.  It had gone from me being part of the family to being a total outsider. 

On Thanksgiving, I decided to keep to myself and see what happened.  No one really had anything to say to me.  On Friday, I sat up in my room and cried the entire day.  I wanted to leave so badly but it was the bf’s brother’s surprise bday party on Saturday so I made myself keep it together until I could leave on Sunday morning.  Everytime the bf came around, I pretended everything was alright and that I just needed to get some studying done.  At one point he caught me crying and tried to convince me that I was just alienating myself and that no one felt negatively against me.  It was really difficult to talk with him about what was going on because there were about 10+ people in the house at all times so I just laid-low.

That Saturday the bf finally got the message.  He saw that other than some snide comments and small talk, no one was talking to me.  Even though I was very aware of what was going on, I put on my game face and tried to not cry around the 40+ people at the party.  We put our time in and he got me out of there quickly but not after I had to spend about 7 hrs feeling like dog pooh.  We left as soon as possible the next morning. 

Though it is awesome that the bf is so supportive and is by my side, this is not how I wanted any of this.  We were thinking of moving to be closer to his family and now I can’t even think about seeing them for the holidays much less the rest of my life.  The thing that bothers me the most is that they have known me for such a long time.  If I was some money-grubbin’ gal that the bf brought home 2 weeks ago, I would understand their trepidation.  Not only do they know me, I know everything about them and have seen them in good and bad times.  I can’t believe that I have been beyond good enough to date their son/brother for more than 6 years but not good enough to marry.  I had dreamed of asking his sisters to be my bridesmaids and for them and his mom to be involved in every step of my wedding and now I don’t even want to let them know when we do get engaged.   

Post # 7
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

the only thing constant in life is change

Post # 8
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Pia, thank you.  I think the reason I got so upset is because I never let myself get caught up in situations like this and I totally got sucked into the “everything has to be perfect now that we are getting married” mentality that I never thought I would have.  It took me a couple days and your words also have helped put it into perspective for me.  I have a great guy who has stood by my side through great times and really horrible times and that’s all that should matter.  Thanks again! 

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