- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
My FH went to a bachelor party this weekend in New Orleans (Not his, for another friend)...Not only did he pretty much drop off the face of the planet for the entire weekend, he told me (without me asking) that they went to a bunch of strip clubs, got lap dances, etc... I really did not expect to be upset about this but I am! Like, pit in my stomach, feel nauseous and disgusted, don't want to talk to him upset! AAAAND, of course, he is in Texas for the summer so I can't even talk it out with him face to face...I told him last night on the phone that I was really disappointed in him and that I had expected him to be more in contact (the friends he went with have gotten pretty crazy and out of control when they're all together drinking and have done REALLY stupid crazy stuff, so my worrying all weekend when I didn't hear from him was not un-called for or just me being crazy)....He apologized and felt really bad but I'm still so angry and disgusted with him! I KNOW strip clubs aren't personal and it's just for fun and these feelings aren't really fair bc I never said anything to him about it beforehand bc I didn't expect to care at all....but i do. and it really f-ing hurts. Any thoughts or opinions??
Its typical bachelor party behavior. I get irritated a little when my guy goes to a bach party that I know will end at a strip club, but at least he told you. He could have kept it a secret. The fact that he told you meants he genuinely cares and trusts you to trust him. He couldnt exactly walk away and be like "sorry, Im going to eb the only one to not go here.." Plus, my guy drops off the face of the earth too at long distance bachelor parties. Ill get a text or two, but its a guys weekend. Just calm down, know its done and over, and explain that you think it is disrespectful, etc. Maybe he wont do that for his.
I understand how you feel. I know everyone loves saying how a strip club and lap dances are this "necessary" part of a bachelor party, but in my opinion, my guy is NOT a bachelor. He is with me, and just because we're not married yet, doesn't mean he is free to run around getting danced all over by some skanky stripper.
I draw the line of "cheating" right around the whole lap dance thing. Going to a strip club and watching women dance around is one thing. Having another woman's boobs all up in my fiance's face is ENTIRELY different. The "Its not personal" arguement also doesn't fly with me. Paying a prostitute for sex is also not personal, but hey. its still cheating and entirely wrong. Why is paying a half naked woman to dance sexually over your clothed body much different?
Luckily for me, my fiance feels the same way about it as I do. But I know his friends don't and he is majorly worried about his bachelor party. He actually doesn't wanna go and I think he is almost hoping it falls through or something. If I were you I would propose to your fiance to think about how he would feel if you went off with a bunch of crazy girlfriends for an entire weekend, didn't contact him at all, then came back and told him you had some slutty male strippers d*cks in your face several times. But, oh baby, it wasn't personal. Just ask him to picture it in his mind, and see if he can start sympathizing with you just a little.
I'm sorry. :( That would really hurt me too, especially the lap dance and lack of contact. I don't really know if it's a good excuse just to say "guys will be guys" sort of thing. I'm preetty sure if the roles were reversed, a lot of those same guys would have a big problem with it! It sounds like he has apologized though, and maybe you guys just need to talk about some boundries for next time, since you said you never really mentioned it. Maybe along the lines that he can go to a strip club for bachelor parties, but no lap dances (if you're ok with that. say whatever you're comfortable with), and when he's gone, at the very least to shoot you a text or a call at the end of the night to let you know he got back ok. It's common courtesy IMO! Good luck. I know it hurts, but it'll heal. For better or worse, right? (Im one to believe that sticking to your vows starts BEFORE the wedding)
I think even looking at a stripper is absolutely cheating. Because, think about it, wouldn't I be cheating if I danced naked in front of another man?? I am sick of the double standard. There is no need for FI to look at another naked woman. I am so glad my FI is not into this type of stuff.
I am so sorry this happened to you, and I would be devastated too. HUGS!!
Sorry you're so upset about it. However, what's done is done and you didn't really expect to be this upset or disappointed in him so it's definitely a surprise to him AND you, i'm sure. It's not like you told him not to go and he did anyways. He obviously feels bad or he wouldn't have told you. Since you knew his friends were into this, did you suspect he'd go anyways? Hopefully next time he goes out he'll keep you in the loop a little more and know what your expectations are of him.
I agree with KellyV on this one. Give it a few days for you to calm down and then talk to him again. I'm sure if he'd ever known you'd be this upset he would have approached the situation differently. Granted, if all his friends wanted to go, I doubt he would have wanked out and been all, "sorry i'm not going, my FI doesn't want me here" especially at a destination party, but he may have turned away the lap dances and kept his drinking to a more minimum.
Be grateful that he told you, though. I think that alone says a lot. Poor guy probably thought it was no big deal and is now really upset that you're upset with him! Sorta like being blindsided.
I don't think telling the OP that you're so glad your FI isn't into this or is like this isn't going to help her, but probably is making her feel worse. Especially when you're basically saying he cheated on her. You're making it sound like your guy is better than hers b/c he knows better than to go to a strip club or something like that.
My FI isn't "better" and he doesn't "know better." That's not what I am saying. I just lucked out that strippers just isn't his thing. That's all.
Thanks, girls, for the input and opinions....I'm trying to let it go and not feel super-hurt but I still can't shake these stupid images of him getting a lap dance from a stripper and then I feel like I am actually going to throw up....It's also wierd bc FH has gone to a bach party before where they had strippers in their hotel room ,which is way worse but this was a couple of years ago and it annoyed me but not anywhere close to how I feel now...I guess it's now that we're engaged, it hurts more or something....uggggh, i don't know, i still feel horrible about it...
I'm not saying that her FI cheated on her. I am saying how I feel about the practice in general, and I am trying to commiserate with her and let her know that she is NOT weird or abnormal to feel so hurt by him going to a strip club. Its bad enough to have that horrible feeling that I know she has (because I have it just thinking about my FI in the same situation), without people telling you that this whole thing is "normal" and that you should just be ok with it.
And I don't think its something to just let go. Its something that needs to be discussed. Good luck runrgurl10! I agree that its definitely good he told you about it, because it opens up an avenue for you guys to talk about this and other boundries you feel your relationship needs.
If it makes you feel any better, the dancers don't give two sh*ts about any guy who watches them dance. All they care about is the money. It's their job to make the guy feel 'special' so the guy will then shower them with more money.
I know some of you might not like what I'm about to say next but I like going to these clubs with my FI. We don't go often AT ALL but man oh man, I'd go if he wanted. You might get over your angst if you went with him. Infact, I can guarantee it would turn him on to have you with him...or even have a dancer give YOU a lapdance.
Just a thought...
I agree with KellyV. I can understand your disappointment in his actions, however, I agree that you should let it go. He is a man, and he was out with his friends. There aren't too many out there that would back out on the party when the rest of the group is doing it. The bottom line is you have to trust him. I don't think there is anything else that needs to be discussed. You told him how you feel and you said that he felt bad. I would leave it at that. Otherwise, you will worry yourself sick about it for no reason. It will be ok.
stephinPA: See I totally get what you're saying, and I can understand in a way. But its just not how I view the whole thing. Its not personal to the stripper, but its personal to me. I can think of about 5,000,000 other ways I would rather spend time with my guy.
I used to go to clubs when I was younger and single, and I just would be grossed out to go with my guy. I guess as I have gotten older, and heard so much about the shadey practices in these industries, I just find the whole industry to be repulsive. And we are not prudes with each other, quite the contrary. I think its just the way we view it, and everyone has their own opinions on it. Its obvious that runrgurl10 found out the hard way that she is NOT ok with it.
PS: I would NEVER get a lap dance, oh mang!! yuck!! hahaha
I also agree with KellyV. Esp. at a destination thing, it's not like he could just peace out by himself and not stay with the rest of the party. And as much as I hate my guy not being in contact with me, I know how guys are and that they bust on each other for checking in with the "wifey." Also, I like to not be checking in with my fiance when I'm having a weekend with the girls ;o)
So sorry! ((HUGS)) I completely understand. Only time will be able to heal your hurt feelings. I know I don't know all of the details or context, but personally, I think you should just let everything lie. You've expressed your dissappointment and he apologized. In fairness to him, you didn't say anything about this beforehand and I understand not calling every day - you knew where he was and he's a grown person. If he does stupid stuff, he'll suffer the consequences (I know this is likely hard to hear, sorry). Best wishes!!
I'm sorry you are so upset. It's better that he told you though. My FI goes to strip clubs sometimes when they have bachelor parties or whatever and there are a few girls who are dating/married to the guys in his group of friends who have no idea and their guys are even going to the strip clubs. The guys don't tell them what went on, and the girls sound silly saying "my husband would never do that blah blah blah" when I KNOW they've gone with my FI. i don't say anything because it's not my business and they aren't really my "friends" But there is this one girl who goes on and on about how her husband HATES strip clubs and would never go, and she tries to make the other girls feel bad-one day I'm just gonna burst and tell her.
FI and I have gone to a few together when we were younger. It's funny and fun and the girls could care less about who they are dancing for. I just tell FI that if he spends $$$ on strip clubs I get to go shopping. I'm more worried about the town slut at the local bar than I am about a stripper. I woudn't go now though just because I have zero interest, but I don't know...it doesn't bother me.
In any event this is a good way to get the conversation rolling that you DO NOT approve -and also I don't think it was good of him to fall off the face of the earth during the whole thing-I would want my FI to call and check in as well so that needs to be a priority no matter where he is going.
I'm sorry you're feeling hurt; I would feel exactly the same way. We both laid down the rules on stuff like this years ago, but even if we hadn't, it would make me sick to find out (whether he'd told me himself or I found out on my own) that he'd gone to a strip club. Maybe it makes me controlling or jealous or whatever, but the way I see it, the whole point of strip clubs is to use sex to squeeze money out of guys, and I have a problem with that. He would feel the same way if I did something similar.
The fact that he felt so bad about hurting you and has been apologizing is a good sign; he didn't just write it off as you being irrational. As you can see from the comments, some girls don't have a problem with their guys doing this, so he probably didn't think much of it. But now that he knows that type of thing--and not contacting you all weekend while you worried--is hurtful to you you, he'll keep it in mind in the future. I agree that all you can do is let time help you heal.
I'm going with KellyVon this, I don't mind if my guy goes to a strip club. Most of the time, the girl could care less about the guy.
And my personal view on it, if you are afraid if your guy is going to cheat on you, he would do it regardless if there was a stripper or not. If the temptation is there, it will be there no matter what.
I've given $$ to my guy and his friends for a round of lap dances when they go. It's just fun-I trust my guy and his friends. What if you were out with your girlfriends and everyone in the group wanted to go to a male strip club, are you going to be the only one to sit in the limo/car? Probably not, you will go with the group and just sit there-maybe you will enjoy yourself, maybe not. Samething with guys, they just go with the flow.
But at least this guy fessed up and didn't lie about the incident. If he was honest about this, then you have a pretty great guy :)
I guess I should clarify that I'm truly not worried about him cheating on me...It's just the thought of him getting a lap dance from some slut at a strip club makes me want to throw up...I didn't expect to feel this way, as I wrote in an earlier comment, I was fine a few years ago when he threw a bach party for his friend with hotel room strippers...I'm still not sure why I'm reacting this way, I just feel really betrayed and hurt that he would want to do that at all....UGH, I'm still feeling pretty miserable about the whole situation...
I disagree with the "well, he's with the guys, what's he gonna do?" thing. I mean, really, how far does that go? If he can't say no to the guys about lap dances, will he be able to say no about other things? To me, part of trust is knowing that DH wouldn't bend to peer pressure.
Anyway, all I can say is next time, talk about expectations and what is and is not ok before the trip begins. GL!
I am going to have to disagree with KellyV on the whole "he couldn't be the only one to not go" thing. Yes, I know it was a destination thing so he couldn't go home, but I'm sure there was a hotel room he could have gone back to or another club or something - maybe if he spoke up there would have been another guy who didn't want to go, too. Or, at the very least, he didn't HAVE to get a lapdance. I dunno, I just think that our society has come to accept "peer pressure" too much, and I think that true friends should accept when someone feels uncomfortable or doesn't want to do something instead of giving him a hard time about it.
As far as the OP's question: I think that since you never really let your FI know how you felt about the issue, he didn't technically do something wrong. However, I definitely think that you should make it very clear how you feel now and make sure that your FI is on the same page. If he isn't willing to give up things like this and you're going to react the way you did about it, then I forsee problems.
runrgurl - yikes. stripper=slut? I know you're upset, but that seems a little harsh and judgmental.
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. But I'm with Hawaii on this one in that it doesnt bother me. I've been to strip clubs and I dont feel threatened by anything there. I trust my husband and am really not worried about things going on if im not around.
Hey runrgurl. Sorry you're going through this, it's never pleasant to get into fights with your SO. I wish I have some saavy advice on how to make it all better, but unfortunately I don't. There was a time when I was furious with FI (boyfriend at the time) after he and a few friends went to a strip club for a friend's birthday. Yeah, I totally get what you're saying; you trust your FI but it just sucks that he still went to a strip club. Since then there have been other occasions when he went to strip clubs for bach parties and for some reason, I've made my peace.
You mentioned that he basically disappeard off the face of planet during that weekend. This may sound silly to you, but if I were in your shoes, I would be more upset that he didn't attempt to contact me. Might your anger be a result of the lack of communication? Whenever FI disappears for bach weekends, I really couldn't careless what they do as long as he calls...it makes me know that he's thinking about me amidst all the bachelor weekend festivities.
Runrgurl, it seems you are more upset about the lapdance than the stripper. is that because you see a lapdance as a more sexual encounter? i know this is going to sound stupid but try not to take it so personally, yes sex should be personal but what your FI did with the dancer was a drunken physical act in which he was just the participant and less of a emotional one - am i making any sense?
talk to him, make sure he knows how you feel and set some boundries for the future. this incident does not make him a bad guy or a cheater - in hindesight he made a poor choice but you 2 need to discuss this and move on
goodluck!
I totally understand why you would feel this way. I would be absolutely LIVID if I was in your shoes. So, hugs first of all.
I think the reason you have such stronger feelings today then you did a few years ago is that simply....it was a few years ago. Today he's your fiance...there's much stronger feelings there now. I'm going to assume he wasn't your fiance back then...so it was a different time then.
Also in my opinion, regardless of whether or not you told him how you felt about it doesn't matter. I think that it's pretty much a given that a man set to be married shouldn't have a half naked woman gyrating on his crotch...sorry but my opinion is that just really shouldn't happen.
Now let me clarify my post real quick. I'm not saying the strip club is the horrible action (although I still wouldn't want my fiance to go to one) it's the lap dance that I don't think an engaged or married man should have. And I know the lap dance is nothing more then the girls job but it's the fact that it's inappropriate in my opinion.
I happen to agree with the OP that stripper = slut. Anyone who waves their hoo-ha or boobs in a strangers face qualifies as a slut in my book!
lmao heathaah...hoo-ha! I just can't Not laugh at that word.
Hoo-ha
You're too funny! :)
Heathaah.. i have no issues with a working gal, just because their flashing their **** & **** around doesnt make them sluts. some are mums, uni students ect just trying to make ends meet, get education or heck, maybe some really really enjoy their work
but
as you feel so passionately about it, what about their customers? seeing a stripper doesnt make a guy a bad person either
we can agree to disagree
I just appreciate that no one is calling them "dancers." As an actual dancer, that really offends me. Granted, some of them do have some talent, and if they're doing ballet or something during the day, that's when they're dancers. If they're taking their clothes off and dancing naked in a club, they're just strippers. My two cents. =)
@Lilypad308... i just asked my hubby his view on this, he said "obviously shes never seen FlashDance". if you want i can hit him later for you :)
Your feelings are totally normal and understandable. However, you guys probably should have set somd ground rules beforehand. Sounds like you need to have a serious talk about expectations for bachelor parties and wild nights out in general in the future. If you let him know how horrible it makes you feel, he shouldn't want to do it anymore.
@eloping: Good movie, great dancing. Still a stripper. Yes, hit him. =)
"Hoo-ha" is great! I also get a giggle out of "va-jay-jay."
I don't have a problem with my FI going to a strip club. I've been to clubs and am actually in awe of how sensual and sexy some of the dancers are. I get why guys are into it and can see it for what it is -- entertainment. I do understand why it doesn't sit well with some, however, and think the best approach is to talk openly with your FI about your comfort level. Let him do the same and agree to be respectful of each other's perspectives.
I would encourage you not to judge your FI too harshly. He didn't deliberately do something to hurt you. Men are different creatures driven by different desires. If you can agree on healthy/acceptable ways for him to express that side of his nature (is porn okay? men's magazines?) without causing you pain or offence, I think you'll start to feel more at ease and will be able to let this one go.
Given that you went with him years earlier, it is reasonable that he never thought it would bother you now - especially since you didn't say anything before he went. but not that you know how you feel about and he does too, he should know the boundaries - just be clear. Is it no strip clubs ever? Ok to strip clubs for a bach party but no lap dances? That he needs to call even though it is a boys weekend?
It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks is or isn't ok, its up to you and your FI to figure it out for yourselves!
Hi,
Just catching up on these boards and this post definitely struck a chord with me! My blood boils at the thought of my FH even walking into a strip club, let alone having a lapdance. I really feel for you and I would be furious, sick and generally upset. I think if you have another naked woman's body all over yours, it is officially over the line. There is nothing faithful about that in my opinion. That being said, you probably hadn't established ground rules for where you stand on this sort of thing or clearly it wouldn't have happened...I may be old-fashioned, but I've talked to my FH about this and have said very clearly if he ever has a lapdance I would end our relationship (like I said, it makes my blood boil!!).
I think its a good opportunity for you to express that you are genuinely hurt and discuss what you consider over the line behaviour. He would never risk losing you for a lapdance - so let him know it really bothers you.
Hang in there- I really feel for you.
I am so sorry! I would feel the same way. I already know that it would bug me so FH & I have had that talk so he knows. It is okay for some people but I am jealous like that. He is MINE & I don't want any other girls all up on him trying to turn him on. Don't feel bad because it bothers you. It's good that he's responsive to your feelings and concerned about upsetting you. When will you be able to see him & talk to him face to face. I am sure it will ease your worry to have him with you where you can hold his had & hug him.
<<hugs runrgurl10>>I have actually been debating this myself! FI's friends are planning a crazy bachelor party, TWO DAYS before the wedding. I had to fight with his best man to not do it the day before! To make matters worse, they were trying to convince my FI NOT TO TELL ME where they were going! So I turned it right around and told him if he thought that was ok then I was going to disappear for a night/weekend and not tell him where I was going or what I was doing. That put a stop to that quickly. But turns out they wanted to go to Atlantic City, and the BM didn't know it is 6hours away! They would have missed the rehearsal! UGH. I don't know what they are going to do now but I'm sure it will involve strip clubs. I HATE them. I don't hate the women who strip but I hate the whole idea of a strip club. I tried going with FI and a bunch of his friends before and I actually had a panic attack. A little dramatic but I just was really uncomfortable. I'm going to tell FI I understand they will go to one and I can deal but I can't deal with a lap dance. I hope he understands. Part of me feels that it's silly for me to be so insecure about it but I see I'm not alone! I loved the movie The Hangover but I don't know how or why this became the 'model' of what a bachelor party should be. ugh.
hawaiiloverchic - you are giving your men and his friends money for lapdances? That seems crazy to me. I'm surprised they took it - it reminds me of giving someone lunch money when they leave for school. Save your money for bachelorettes!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 23 |
| Ms. Salamander | 18 |
| LammChop | 17 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 17 |
| Mrs. Chai | 14 |
| ticatica | 14 |
| kat2014 | 14 |
| mypinkshoes | 14 |
| his chippymunk | 14 |
| beargoose | 13 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Hippos | 1 |
| rangersbride | 1 |
