(Closed) HATE that FH went to a strip club!!

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Its typical bachelor party behavior.  I get irritated a little when my guy goes to a bach party that I know will end at a strip club, but at least he told you.  He could have kept it a secret.  The fact that he told you meants he genuinely cares and trusts you to trust him.  He couldnt exactly walk away and be like “sorry, Im going to eb the only one to not go here..”  Plus, my guy drops off the face of the earth too at long distance bachelor parties.  Ill get a text or two, but its a guys weekend.  Just calm down, know its done and over, and explain that you think it is disrespectful, etc.  Maybe he wont do that for his.

Post # 4
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I understand how you feel. I know everyone loves saying how a strip club and lap dances are this “necessary” part of a bachelor party, but in my opinion, my guy is NOT a bachelor. He is with me, and just because we’re not married yet, doesn’t mean he is free to run around getting danced all over by some skanky stripper.

I draw the line of “cheating” right around the whole lap dance thing. Going to a strip club and watching women dance around is one thing. Having another woman’s boobs all up in my fiance’s face is ENTIRELY different. The “Its not personal” arguement also doesn’t fly with me. Paying a prostitute for sex is also not personal, but hey. its still cheating and entirely wrong. Why is paying a half naked woman to dance sexually over your clothed body much different?

Luckily for me, my fiance feels the same way about it as I do. But I know his friends don’t and he is majorly worried about his bachelor party. He actually doesn’t wanna go and I think he is almost hoping it falls through or something. If I were you I would propose to your fiance to think about how he would feel if you went off with a bunch of crazy girlfriends for an entire weekend, didn’t contact him at all, then came back and told him you had some slutty male strippers d*cks in your face several times. But, oh baby, it wasn’t personal. Just ask him to picture it in his mind, and see if he can start sympathizing with you just a little.

Post # 5
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry. 🙁 That would really hurt me too, especially the lap dance and lack of contact. I don’t really know if it’s a good excuse just to say “guys will be guys” sort of thing. I’m preetty sure if the roles were reversed, a lot of those same guys would have a big problem with it! It sounds like he has apologized though, and maybe you guys just need to talk about some boundries for next time, since you said you never really mentioned it. Maybe along the lines that he can go to a strip club for bachelor parties, but no lap dances (if you’re ok with that. say whatever you’re comfortable with), and when he’s gone, at the very least to shoot you a text or a call at the end of the night to let you know he got back ok. It’s common courtesy IMO! Good luck. I know it hurts, but it’ll heal. For better or worse, right? (Im one to believe that sticking to your vows starts BEFORE the wedding)

Post # 6
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think even looking at a stripper is absolutely cheating.  Because, think about it, wouldn’t I be cheating if I danced naked in front of another man??  I am sick of the double standard.  There is no need for FI to look at another naked woman.  I am so glad my FI is not into this type of stuff. 

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I would be devastated too.  HUGS!!

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sorry you’re so upset about it. However, what’s done is done and you didn’t really expect to be this upset or disappointed in him so it’s definitely a surprise to him AND you, i’m sure. It’s not like you told him not to go and he did anyways. He obviously feels bad or he wouldn’t have told you. Since you knew his friends were into this, did you suspect he’d go anyways? Hopefully next time he goes out he’ll keep you in the loop a little more and know what your expectations are of him.

I agree with KellyV on this one. Give it a few days for you to calm down and then talk to him again. I’m sure if he’d ever known you’d be this upset he would have approached the situation differently. Granted, if all his friends wanted to go, I doubt he would have wanked out and been all, “sorry i’m not going, my FI doesn’t want me here” especially at a destination party, but he may have turned away the lap dances and kept his drinking to a more minimum.

Be grateful that he told you, though. I think that alone says a lot. Poor guy probably thought it was no big deal and is now really upset that you’re upset with him! Sorta like being blindsided.

I don’t think telling the OP that you’re so glad your FI isn’t into this or is like this isn’t going to help her, but probably is making her feel worse. Especially when you’re basically saying he cheated on her. You’re making it sound like your guy is better than hers b/c he knows better than to go to a strip club or something like that.

Post # 8
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My FI isn’t “better” and he doesn’t “know better.”  That’s not what I am saying.  I just lucked out that strippers just isn’t his thing.  That’s all.

 

Post # 10
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m not saying that her FI cheated on her. I am saying how I feel about the practice in general, and I am trying to commiserate with her and let her know that she is NOT weird or abnormal to feel so hurt by him going to a strip club. Its bad enough to have that horrible feeling that I know she has (because I have it just thinking about my FI in the same situation), without people telling you that this whole thing is “normal” and that you should just be ok with it.

And I don’t think its something to just let go. Its something that needs to be discussed. Good luck runrgurl10! I agree that its definitely good he told you about it, because it opens up an avenue for you guys to talk about this and other boundries you feel your relationship needs.

Post # 11
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If it makes you feel any better, the dancers don’t give two sh*ts about any guy who watches them dance.  All they care about is the money.  It’s their job to make the guy feel ‘special’ so the guy will then shower them with more money.

I know some of you might not like what I’m about to say next but I like going to these clubs with my FI.  We don’t go often AT ALL but man oh man, I’d go if he wanted.  You might get over your angst if you went with him.  Infact, I can guarantee it would turn him on to have you with him…or even have a dancer give YOU a lapdance. 

Just a thought…

Post # 12
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with KellyV.  I can understand your disappointment in his actions, however, I agree that you should let it go.  He is a man, and he was out with his friends.  There aren’t too many out there that would back out on the party when the rest of the group is doing it.  The bottom line is you have to trust him.  I don’t think there is anything else that needs to be discussed.  You told him how you feel and you said that he felt bad.  I would leave it at that.  Otherwise, you will worry yourself sick about it for no reason.  It will be ok.

Post # 13
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

stephinPA: See I totally get what you’re saying, and I can understand in a way. But its just not how I view the whole thing. Its not personal to the stripper, but its personal to me. I can think of about 5,000,000 other ways I would rather spend time with my guy.

I used to go to clubs when I was younger and single, and I just would be grossed out to go with my guy. I guess as I have gotten older, and heard so much about the shadey practices in these industries, I just find the whole industry to be repulsive. And we are not prudes with each other, quite the contrary. I think its just the way we view it, and everyone has their own opinions on it. Its obvious that runrgurl10 found out the hard way that she is NOT ok with it.

PS: I would NEVER get a lap dance, oh mang!! yuck!! hahaha

Post # 14
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I also agree with KellyV.  Esp. at a destination thing, it’s not like he could just peace out by himself and not stay with the rest of the party.  And as much as I hate my guy not being in contact with me, I know how guys are and that they bust on each other for checking in with the “wifey.”  Also, I like to not be checking in with my fiance when I’m having a weekend with the girls ;o) 

Post # 15
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

So sorry!  ((HUGS))  I completely understand.  Only time will be able to heal your hurt feelings.  I know I don’t know all of the details or context, but personally, I think you should just let everything lie.  You’ve expressed your dissappointment and he apologized.  In fairness to him, you didn’t say anything about this beforehand and I understand not calling every day – you knew where he was and he’s a grown person.  If he does stupid stuff, he’ll suffer the consequences (I know this is likely hard to hear, sorry).  Best wishes!!

Post # 16
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m sorry you are so upset. It’s better that he told you though. My FI goes to strip clubs sometimes when they have bachelor parties or whatever and there are a few girls who are dating/married to the guys in his group of friends who have no idea and their guys are even going to the strip clubs. The guys don’t tell them what went on, and the girls sound silly saying “my husband would never do that blah blah blah” when I KNOW they’ve gone with my FI. i don’t say anything because it’s not my business and they aren’t really my “friends”  But there is this one girl who goes on and on about how her husband HATES strip clubs and would never go, and she tries to make the other girls feel bad-one day I’m just gonna burst and tell her.

FI and I have gone to a few together when we were younger. It’s funny and fun and the girls could care less about who they are dancing for. I just tell FI that if he spends $$$ on strip clubs I get to go shopping. I’m more worried about the town slut at the local bar than I am about a stripper. I woudn’t go now though just because I have zero interest, but I don’t know…it doesn’t bother me.

In any event this is a good way to get the conversation rolling that you DO NOT approve -and also I don’t think it was good of him to fall off the face of the earth during the whole thing-I would want my FI to call and check in as well so that needs to be a priority no matter where he is going.

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