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I agree! When I started dating my now-fiance he smoked more than he does now, but knew I didn't like it and so he didn't smoke when I was around. It started out casual, so I didn't see it that much and I didn't think I could ask him to stop because we weren't at all serious.
Now that we live together and we're getting married, I really want him to quit! He's cut back a lot (now has 1-3/day compared to almost a pack a day). He says he finally wants to stop too, and asked me to buy him this book to help him stop http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Way-Stop-Smoking-Non-smokers/dp/1402771630/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1290613622&sr=8-1
He just started it, and I really hope it works. I'll let you know the result! Good luck
I'll be honest - smoking is a complete deal-breaker to me. I could never date or live with a smoker (even a social one). You can't force him to quit; he has to want to. So I think you need to decide if this is somthing you are willing to live with or if it is a deal-breaker.
@Mrs.KMM: It used to be a deal-breaker for me too. I wouldn't date a smoker. And that's what bothers me, I didn't know he smoked until it was too late and I had already fallen for him. So, I guess it's not a deal breaker anymore. I wish I could make him quit, but it does have to come from him. I just need to figure out how to deal with it. *sigh*
@NotFridaythe13th: I just sent him articles on what social smoking can do to your health, since he believes that it's "healthier" to only smoke occasionally. It won't change anything, I know. It's great that your FI decided to quit, that's the first step! Good Luck!
@drummergirl: I can soo understand what you're talking about. My FI and I both use to smoke... I quit 2 years ago and now I HATE the smell and everything. Well now he has started dipping (which I find completely repulsive) and it drives me insane. So, he was suppose to quit. Well then I would find cans of it in his car or something and get super upset b/c he was doing it. But lately, as much as I hate it and don't want him to do it.. I love him and it's his body. So, honestly I can't tell him what to do with it. I do still at times huff and puff and fuss about it but until hes ready to quit doing it.. I sure can't make him. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.. He's a great guy, a great provider, and my best friend.. so maybe that's one of his flaws and I just pray it won't last forever.. but at least he respects me and doesn't do it around me.
As someone who has a sensitive nose and can't stand the smell of cigerettes, I can't even be in the same room with a smoker..so I feel for you. I complained a great deal when my coworker smokes. we're great friends and I even got him to quit smoking, but he is now doing the "social" smoking bs. He does make an effort to cut down and he doesn't come near me when he smokes. He smokes the odorless kind (which still bothers me) but I don't catch as much of the odor when he passes me in the hallway. Perhaps he can get the odorless cigs for the few occassions where he feels the need to have a cigerettes?
I feel ya. Smoking is a dealbreaker for me, too. My parents both smoke and i grew up with them smoking IN the house. Bleh. My mom was on Chantix and it helped her...she hasn't 100% quit yet, but she's scaled back significantly.
Maybe instead of "just dealing" with it, you can find ways to lessen its impact on you. The odorless cigs may be a good start!
Smoking was definitely a deal breaker for me. FI smoked socially when I met him, and he told me about it on our first date. For the first few months, when we were dating casually, I didn't say anything. (except I refused to kiss him until he had brushed his teeth or something) But, I didn't really feel like I was in a place to make any sort of "demands". About six months in, we were out with friends and he started smoking after I asked him to please not to. We had a big fight and I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not accept smoking and if he felt the need to smoke, I would not stick around.
He stumbled once about a month later, but hasn't smoked since.
Non-smoker here. I'm in this boat, too.
FI was a heavy smoker, but to be with me he promised he'd quit. He's made major progress and has dropped cigarettes (although, I don't know if he smokes when he is at work or not), but uses the nicotine patches like crack and dips who-knows-how-many times everyday.
He does say his goal is to work towards quitting entirely, though, which I cross my fingers is the case. I try to let him work on it without nagging too much, but sometimes he claims I give him "a look" whenever he pulls out his dip can, even if I didn't at all (if I did, it was involuntary). He knows I despise it, but he *is* trying to quit...I think.
Good luck to all of your FIs! Here's hoping they all kick the addiction/habit by Christmas (maybe unrealistic, I know).
Alan Carr's book is amazing. It got my husband to quit smoking.
Your BF isn't going to quit until he really wants to. You can cajole, threaten, plead--it won't work. Been there--I did all that with my husband, and my husband has tried it all with me.
Give your BF Alan Carr's book. It really is helpful.
@yellowhammerlady- I just read some reviews of Alan Carr's book, and it sounds really promising! However, do you think it would work for any tobacco/nicotine habit aside from smoking? Since my FI moved from smoking to dipping, do you think it would also help with that?
I think it would be helpful. Just tell your boyfriend to read it with an open mind--if he cracks it open thinking it won't help...well...it won't help him.
You can download the book in pdf or as MP3s for free, too.
Just an update, but my fiance finished Alan Carr's book finally. It took him awhile, but I guess that's normal. As he was coming to the end he set a date (Christmas Day) and has been smoke-free since. I'm so proud of him! Seriously, I cannot recommend this book enough.
Dealbreaker for me too. If I didn't know at the first date, once I found out I'd be gone. Doesn't matter how I felt about him. I hate it! And I also don't believe in asking someone to quit. I just find out up front and that's it if they do. I dated a guy once who was 'on his last pack' and a year later when I dumped him he still smoked. Then he tells me how he quit but I saw him smoking and he said how a cig with a new coworker wasn't the same...yeah whatever...it was good ridance. That's when I learned you definitely don't try to change them. You either accept it or you move on. There are non-smokers out there...
When I met FI, he told me on our first day that he smoked. Not a lot, it was more of a social thing. I didn't like it, but yea, didn't feel like i could tell him in the beginning. After a few months, I made it clear that smoking was a deal breaker and as we became serious, I was going to take it into consideration as to whether I'd continue the relationship.
He quit within a month and hasn't had one in years.
I find it interesting that many hate it but go into something knowing a guy does and not feeling like you can say something right away...once you get to know someone it's harder to walk away so wouldn't it make sense to NOT even start dating them? Doesn't matter to me anything about the guy if he smokes I won't even go on a date. It's the #1 deal breaker for me...so disgusting!
I think that your fiance has the right to make his own decision. I am very sorry that you have lost family to cancer, and I know people have really strong feelings about smoking. Heck, I have strong feelings about smoking- my husband and I both used to social smoke, but ever since becoming a student of Public Health and knowing that the World Health Organization requires a no-smoking pledge, I have stopped social smoking and do not smoke at all. My husband has not made the same decision, but I love him just the same.
(your guy) is not smoking every day, he's just doing something stupid every now and then. Everyone does stupid things every now and then, don't they? I think you need to let this one go.
I used to be a smoker. And then I became I social smoker. And when I met my FI he made it very clear that he was not going to put up with it so I quit for him. After my grandfather died I started smoking to deal with the stress and he understood but gave me a time frame if you will. And then my grandmother got gravely ill and then passed and I started smoking throughout that and again he understood but again I got the time frame. And I actually quit well before my time frame.
But If it bothers you this much just talk to him. Don't demand him to quit. He should want to quit for you or you could just let this little thing slide.
Im in the exact situation. I have asthma and had no idea he smoked until i had already fallen in love with him. Smoking is a HUGE deal breaker for me but he kept it from me and i think thats what pisses me off the most about it. Its like he sucked me in and then brings that on me. He always tells me hes going to quit but i told him that if hes not completely done 6 months before our wedding im breaking up with him. He wants to quit its just his job is so stressful and were LDR so im not there to catch him. I just cant be married to a smoker, i cant let that happen.
I pretend that it doesn't bother so he doesn't get all upset about me trying to control him. Then, I without all physical effection from him and I tell him, I can't stand the smell or taste of smoke. He gets the idea and I know he tries not to. He's a social smoker too. But sometimes, he caves in and takes a smoke.
My FI smokes cigars socially, and it worries me more than anything, because there are always effects of some kind. I always warned him though that cigarrettes or dipping was not okay with me, and he agrees.
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When I started dating my BF, he didn’t represent himself as a smoker. We went on several dates, and he never smokes, or asked if I was a smoker. Then, I started to notice smoke on his breath after a particularly hard day at work.
I come to find out that he used to smoke, quit for a while, and now he’s a social smoker.
I HATE this. It’s the only thing I dislike about him.
However, I feel like sort of a hypocrite, because I used to smoke socially, but only like once or twice a year. It always made me feel horrible, and I HATE the smell of cigarette smoke, especially on him.
He smokes 1-3 times a week. More if he has band practice or a hard day at work. He thinks because he doesn’t buy the packs of cigs and just bums them, that it’s not a problem and that he’s not a smoker.
He knows I hate it, and at first told me he wouldn’t, but then I knew he was just hiding it from me and confronted him about it. We decided he would be honest with me about when and where he smokes, but it kills me every time he says “I had a cigarette tonight.”
I love this man, and I want to marry him. I’ve already lost family to cancer, and I never want to have to go through that with him.
I don’t know what to do. I try not to let it bother me, but it really does. More so that he knows I hate it, but continues to do it anyways.