(Closed) Hate to Post This

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Why do you think staying with him is the right thing do it? You can’t stay with someone because you pity him or are worried about his self-esteem. If he is making you unhappy and is only somewhat willing to address the issues at hand, then you should feel like the right thing to do is to leave. Trust is crucially important and it sounds like neither of you can trust each other anymore. If you stick it out a bit longer, that counseling your getting will probably be key.

ETA: I didn’t mean to make it sound like I think you need to leave him, but rereading this, I might have come off that way. I’m just concerned about why you think you should stay. If you want to stay because you love him and think it can work and think the both of you are truly willing to put in the effort, then that’s the right reason to stay. If you know that’s not the case, why draw it out longer and extend the pain?

Post # 4
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Eek. Well I know that dealing with a person that doesn’t trust you is hard. It doesn’t seem like your husband is too bad, ya know? Perhaps you should try to be sensitive to his feelings. He’s not beating you and doesn’t seem that controlling at all. Just a little jealous. You got married to be together forever not just during the great times. 

Post # 5
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

To be honest I’d feel awfully insecure after seeing emails like the ones your husband found, and this doesn’t seem like something that can’t be worked through perhaps with the help of a therapist to me. My Fiance and I have gotten through similar trust and insecurity issues in the past and came out stronger for it.

Post # 6
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsSanchizel:  manipulation and controlling behaviour are forms of emotional abuse. Just because the marks aren’t on your skin, doesn’t mean there aren’t bruises on your psyche.

If he won’t get recognise or stop his destructive and hurtful behaviour; if the counselling isn’t helping the OP at all, if he’s using phrases to emotionally blackmail her into staying… he’s hurting her.

If his trust and respect for you are gone, OP, leaving is the right thing to do so you can continue to love & respect yourself.

Post # 7
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Why do people give up on their marriage so easily….. ? Have you ever considered counseling? These behaviors weren’t learned over night. Your husband is the same person BEFORE the marriage… Why are you giving up so easily? Did your vows mean nothing? (not trying to be snarky or mean, just some honest questions to think about.) 

Post # 9
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@armychic- They are doing counceling, she states that in the OP.. its not helping them and he wont go privately like he needs.


We all do what we have to do.. You cant help Anyone who refuses to help themself.

Post # 10
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsShayona:  I am so glad to hear you’re getting support & honest opinions from a therapist who knows you & your situation. From what you’ve described here you AREN’T giving up easily, you’ve tried, seen professionals, etc. but things are not getting better, and you’re running from a bad situation.

I feel you would be receiving so much “run now” support if this were pre-marriage, and it’s unfortunate you’re not hearing the same message from some Bees now.

Post # 11
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree that your Husband is bordering on being controlling / emmotionally abusive… and so as someone who survived an Abusive Relationship, I don’t take that for granted… I KNOW how truly AWFUL that can be.

BUT, I also know that there is a difference between being married to someone “who just is this way / doesn’t have a real reason”… versus a “situation” that makes someone less trusting.

In your case, your guy friend crossed the line by sending you the emails… and you did not do right by your Husband by sharing that info with him… you instead CHOSE to hide it away.  Ultimately your Hubby found the emails… and the sh!t hit the fan.  (Totally understandable… think how you would have reacted if the situation had been reversed)… He feels you hid this info from him… BECAUSE YOU HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE because the relationship with the other guy was inappropriate.

Now your Hubby is insecure and has stepped up his behaviour to monitor yours (YES controlling… but it has a reason).  Which is WHY I am one Bee who believes that a woman can not have a “guy friend” who is just a friend… men don’t think this way (unless they are gay).  A man’s genetic make-up is such that if they want to spend one-on-one time with a woman, it is because they are interested in more with that woman.  Just a fact of life (something too few women realize… because it is flattering to us to have male friends)

Anyways, that is all too late now… water under the bridge.  What’s done is done.

I do suggest that you and your Hubby continue counselling, and not give up on your marriage just yet.

I also suggest that if you haven’t already, that you cut all ties with men outside of your marriage as one-on-one friends… the only men in your married life should be your Hubby and men who are attached and part of another couple that you guys socialize with.

Your Hubby will need a lot of time and counselling to get the trust back in your relationship… because in his mind you have “emmotionally” cheated with someone else.

It is YOUR JOB to prove to him that he has nothing to worry about… and rebuilding the trust could literally take years (April to now is just over 4 months… definitely not enough time)

If you LOVE him (or ever did LOVE him) this is something you need to realize… he can’t just “flip a switch” on this issue.

Sorry, I don’t have better news.

PS… Beyond everything else, you guys need to work on communication… the root of your problem was the fact that you CHOSE not to be open with your Hubby when this guy hit on you.  That is what is wearing on him mentally… he feels he cannot trust you… because you didn’t trust him enough to tell him this stuff.  A Marriage is all about trust.


Post # 12
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@This Time Round:  Yes, all of this! Well said.

Post # 14
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MrsShayona:  i’m sorry you are going through this but unfortunately you should have told your husband about this email from the start.  if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?  i think you would probably feel betrayed and that the trust is gone. 

trust is one of the foundations of a relationship.  once trust is broken, it may take some time to rebuild.  i’m afraid that your actions, or lack thereof, have given your dh cause to feel insecure.  give him some time, don’t be defensive and keep being supportive.  it sucks but imo you should have told him to avoid any of this.

i have to say i kind of agree with @This Time Round


Post # 15
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@This Time Round:  I can’t help but notice you often say to posters, “Sorry I don’t have better news.” as if your opinion is undisputed fact. I don’t think she was obligated to tell her husband about her friend’s messages provided that she ended the friendship for the time being. It doesn’t sound like that was the case though and I think that’s insensitive on her part.

But I’m sorry, I don’t think anyone should have to put up with that kind of behavior for years (the time you say it could take her to earn back his trust). I agree with you that marriage is built on trust and communication, but are you really saying that she deserves to be constantly yelled at and controlled as she describes until he decides it’s time to stop being borderline emotionally abusive? Until she PROVES that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way? She didn’t cheat. Yes, it would be very upsetting to see something like that and it would take work to build the trust back up. But 4 months later, his behavior seems extreme and he needs to take responsibility for himself. It sounds like he could have deeper self esteem issues that he needs to go to separate counselling for. While she can certainly promise to never hurt him like that again, she can’t make him happy in his own skin.

Also, you the fact that you discredit ALL platonic male/female relationships is silly in my opinion. While I think cutting off her friendship with that particularly person who texted her is a great idea, I would seriously question any relationship that required ending friendships with people of the opposite sex who aren’t attached.

Post # 16
1519 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should have told him, but two wrongs don’t make a right. You didn’t do anything wrong. You ignored inappropriate messages, and it might bother your husband because he’s insecure. And that is HIS problem to fix. He needs to fix himself before he can be in a healthy relationship. He has NO right to be controlling and emotionally abusive. That is not okay no matter what you do. Even if you had cheated, that wouldn’t have made it okay. I think he needs to work on his issues by himself, and so time apart might be a good thing and I’m proud of you for continuing to work hard at it. Therapy is important, but he needs to walk the walk too.

As for having guy friends, I think it’s perfectly okay even when you’re married. My fiancé has friends who are women and I would NEVER ask him to end those friendships because we’re getting married. I know he would never cheat on me with them and he is very open about those friendships, just like he is with his guy friendships. I would be pissed if he told me to stop being friends with my guy friends, who have been there for me for years–since junior high and high school. If he did, that would show he does not trust me, and we would have bigger issues. We put each other first, but would never ever control who the other one is friends with. If any of our friends, male or female, were unsupportive of our relationship, that would be a different story, but gender should not be the main factor in deciding if a friend will still be your friend after marriage. If someone confesses their love, yea, duh they probably aren’t going to be a good influence on your marriage, but that doesn’t mean that’s what all male/female friendships will become.

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