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Seriously, what the hell is up with that? Both IRL and online, I've seen tons of negativity directed toward couples who knew their partner was "the one" right away and got engaged and/or married quickly.
I met FH online (oh, bawwww) and we got engaged four months later. By the time we get married, we'll have been together for a little over two years. But what difference does it make whether we've been together for two years or ten? Does this make our relationship, our love, any less valid than someone who waited or is still waiting? HELL NO.
Does anyone feel frustrated/annoyed/just plain pissed off about this? Why do people feel the need to pass judgment? It's not like I tell people who are waiting that they should be married by now, haha.
I've had people tell me that they "deserve" to get married before FH and I because they've been together longer; I've had people tell us that our marriage is doomed to fail. Whiskey tango foxtrot.
Has anyone else encountered this?
My fiance and I will have been together not quite two years when we get married... honestly, no one has passed judgement on us except myself... sometimes I think "holy crap... this is really fast, am I sure?" But the truth is of course I'm sure! I knew he was "the one" the night I met him, so why delay! I don't think our marriage (or yours) is doomed! I think we're gonna rock it personally!
I think sometimes depending on your age, other might be more inclined to say that. When you're a little older, you know better what you are looking for and what you need in life (does that make sense!?)
As long as you're both happy and in it 100% then you'll be grand!
I kind of have a similar situation...only reversed lol. I got engaged last Feb and one of my friends has been begging her BF to get engaged. But I secretly think that she is doing it to try and compete with me, which is fine. She has been with her BF for about 6 months and I would be totally happy for them if I thought she wanted to get engaged for the right reasons lol
More power to you though!
I haven't been there, but I know a few of my close friends have.
It was ridiculous, all the things that people said to them, and it hurt them so badly sometimes that they thought about calling off the wedding. I think the worst line they got was, "I'm not coming to your wedding. It's not even real because you haven't been together long enough to know if you're in love or not."
Yeah. Stupid people. They haven't been married for too, terribly long, but they seem just as happy as ever.
My mom was an early on engagement bride. She met my father in November, he proposed in January, they got married in June. They were married 10 years before he passed away, and I'm sure they would have still been married if that hadn't happened.
I can't say that I've experienced this since my fiance and I were together a little less than 2.5 years before we got engaged.
But I think most people's perceptions of this are negative because they are worried that you might not know each other well enough to be making such a serious committment. If people say things, it's most likely out of love and concern--that they want to make sure that you're ready for this change. Of course, addressing it in this way isn't helpful at all and clearly you feel it is the right step for your relationship.
As for saying you don't "deserve" to get married before someone that's been engaged longer...that's just jealousy by someone that wishes they were getting married too. I felt a little bit that way when other people I knew got engaged before I did, but there's nothing to it but jealousy and I certainly wouldn't have said anything to those couples! It wasn't *their* problem!
I definitely don't think anyone "deserves" to get engaged just because they've put in their time. I also think its just really rude for anyone to tell anyone else their relationship is doomed.
That being said you kind of have to understand the natural skepticism, don't you? It's really not a leap to say that committing to spend your lives together when you've known each other weeks or months is more risky than if you've known someone a few years.
I moved in with my hubby after dating for 5 months, and got engaged 6 months later. For me, that was very quick! (I had a 7 1/2 year relationship before this). I thought people would be upset or weirded out by the fastness, but they weren't. My family and friends were all very supportive, I think b/c they all love him so much too. I feel like I wasn't the only one who knew he was my one, they did too.
@CorgiTales: I understand it, but I still think it's damned rude to actually say something about it! I think it is just as risky regardless of time--either you know the person and that they're right for you, or you don't, imo.
I got engaged about a year after hubs and I met. The only person who seemed to get upset about it was this friend of mine who didn't think it was "fair" that I got engaged before her. She ended up getting engaged like 6 months after me, after her and her BF had been together 2.5 years.
Life isn't a race, and I think all those people who are telling you that they "deserve" to get married before you are just jealous. Just smile sweetly at them and change the subject- I truly don't think you should indulge those people by commenting on their (obviously) rude statements. :)
It's envy turning it's ugly head. I'll admit that recently a classmate got engaged to her fiance, whom she met years after I started dating my current BF. I'm very envious of her...more on the fact that she can have a decent wedding. I have empty pockets and eloped at the court house once already...I don't want to do that again.
I've been recently asked when I was getting married to my BF. I think that adds more negativity because not only are you expecting to get married, but others are too, and the boy is slacking.
But in all honesty, lots of factors come into play with "readiness". I know that my BF and I are getting there, and I'd like to think that we got there completely by ourselves and on our own time.
@Statutory Grape: I met my FI online as well :) We moved in together after 2 months and got engaged at 14 months. People were a little skeptical of us moving in together so soon but it was the best decision I've ever made!
Mostly related to my age, since I'm in my early 20s. However, I think if I saw the same thing, I'd have the same opinion. It's weird, if I weren't me I'd probably be skeptical of how longlasting a relationship would be. I knew my Fiance for years, friends for years, and dated for a year and a half before he proposed. I think I can understand both perspectives.
@Treasure43: I just moved in with FH in April, so we kind of did the opposite, haha. :)
My fiance and I were only together about 9 months before getting engaged. Our wedding will fall almost exactly 9 months after the engagement, so all in all we have moved pretty fast. The only thing that maybe kept us from getting a ton of negative comments is that we knew each other and were classmates for 4 years while we were in grad school (We had classes together nearly every single day). Still, we got our fair share of rude and less than enthusiastic comments when people first found out we were engaged. We tried not to let it get to us-I guess because we are just confident enough in our feelings for each other that it doesn't really matter. It does stink to have others shoot down a small piece of your happiness, though :(
I have an aunt who keeps saying things to other family members like, "Are they really going to go through with it?" It got even worse after we bumped our date up, but...
I am not in this situation, but I do think it's atypical to get engaged/married quickly. From what you're saying, I'm not sure you fit in my classification of that category. But I do agree with Corgitales. As you can tell by other posts on this board, people have something to say about your relationship regardless of the situation (taking too long to get engaged, too short of an engagement, Destination wedding, different financial background... there's always something people don't like). But I feel like my relationship has changed a lot over the years and I personally think it takes longer than a few months to decide on a spouse. But hence why I never did it myself. To each his own.
I'm going to play devil's advocate on this one. **Disclaimer** I would never, ever pass judgment on another person's choices. I truly believe that everyone's situation is unique and have made their decisions for their own reasons.
That being said... FI and I dated for FIVE years before getting engaged. To us, marriage is a very, very serious committment and we wanted to make sure that we really knew we were compatible. Sure, we were/are in love, but could we maintain this relationship and be happy together for the rest of our lives?? That's just so huge, it's difficult to even wrap our brains around it. And so, we waited until we absolutely knew... and for us.. it took 5 years.
Again, everyone's situation is different, but sometimes when we run into couples that have only dated for say... under a year, we just have to ask, "are you really sure?"
...Hope no one takes that the wrong way, I seriously don't mean it that way!
Okay, I'd like to chime in on this one. My husband and I met and were engaged 4 months later, 6 months after that we were married. That's right, we were married 10 months after meeting. This may seem very quick to some.
I know we didn't take any of these decisions lightly. We were both old enough (29) to have had enough life experience to know ourselves well and know what we were looking for in a spouse. We included our family and very close friends and were open to feedback in case anyone had any serious concerns. We went through a marriage preparation program at our church where we were given a couple as "marriage mentors" that we met with (and continue to meet with) on a regular basis. After a year of marriage, we're extremely happy and wouldn't have done anything differently!!!
As far as people commenting? If it's a close friend or family member, I think it's very appropriate for them to voice their concern. If they care about you, they will want to help you think through your decision and make sure you are doing the right thing. Now they should never be rude or mean in their comments but I see nothing wrong with them challenging you in a healthy manner. As for people that aren't in your close circle, I don't believe it is their place to get involved.
Just my thoughts based on my experience...
ETA: Just realized I should mention. Before I met my husband, I was very cynical of people who got engaged quickly. I thought they were irresponsible, unwise, etc. After my own relationship with my husband I realized it's very hard to really know what's going on in other people's relationships. I'm a lot less quick to judge these days!
@TinyTina: To us, marriage is a HUGE commitment as well; we've weathered some pretty unpleasant experiences together and only come out stronger, so I think it's safe to say that we're both in it for the long haul. What you said is true--it takes some people years--but sometimes, you just know. :) I don't think that we got engaged quickly means that we don't take it seriously.
@Statutory Grape: Totally agree -- like I said, everyone's experiences are different!! And I do know plenty of couples who were only dating/engaged for a short period of time and still have happy, healthy marriages that have gone on for 10, 15, 20 years. And so, as far as negative responses go? You're right -- haters gonna hate!!!
I agree with you, PumpkinSpice. We took concerns by family and close friends seriously-all the others we just ignored. We kind of welcomed the challenges, as pretty much everything they were concerned about were things we had already discussed ourselves.
I am going to second TinyTina's thoughts. I think all of the skepticism comes from people who have been in relationship for years, and see how the relationship changes. In my personal opinion, you don't really know someone well enough to marry them in under a year. This is coming from someone who has been with her boyfriend for 4 years, and is not engaged. We are still learning things about each other, and working on our relationship. Do i think we are destined to succeed because we've dating/lived together for so long before marriage? No way. Do I think others are doomed to fail because they dated for what I consider to be a short period of time? Definitely not. I think people's comments probably can boil down to one simple question: why rush? If you are in love after 2 months, or 4 months, or 6 months, why the need to get engaged and married right away? That being said, my best friend who met her husband online got engaged after less than a year, and I know they are deliriously happy.
Despite all of that, I don't think its ever ok for someone to tell you that you aren't ready to get married. Can they think it to themselves? Well, sure, you can't control someone else's thoughts, but I think its presumptuous to make a statement about what you feel someone else should do with their life.
I can see where some of the people you feel are judging you are coming from. If my sister or friend decided to marry someone she met on the internet and had only known a few months I'd ask her if she was sure too. You can't be a good friend and not voice real concerns. That's what friends are for. You need people in your life who will be real with you and ask you tough, uncomfortable questions. Like, are you really wearing that out of the house?? Or have you really thought through getting married? lol not that the two are really comparable but you DO need people who are going to stand up and be honest.
I bet a lot of it also has to do with the fact that you're youngish. I understand it sucks to be judged (it would annoy me too) but you can sort of see where they're coming from if you try and look at it from the outside.
I totally feel you.
My boyfriend and I moved in together after dating 6 months. I knew within days of dating officially that he and I would end up getting married. I had been in several long-term relationships prior to meeting him, and never experienced that kind of immediate connection and reassurance. I remember asking my best friend to knock some sense into me because I truly believed there was no way to possibly predict something so enormous, so soon.
We have been ring shopping, visited a possible venue, and have (loosely) decided on a wedding date and details. He says it is very likely that we will be engaged before New Years Day, putting us a little over our one-year mark.
My family and friends told me early on that I had met my match, and I've had *mostly* positive reactions. I'm not the hopeless romantic type, so the fact that I'm publicly head over heels for my guy is a real deal breaker for them. However, I do have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for seven years, and still has no engagement in sight. She says that she will "absolutely die" if I get a ring before she does. I feel a little bad because in all honesty, I do believe I may become engaged before she does. I try to remind her that every relationship is different and moves at a different speed, but she insists that she has "put in her time". I know she's frustrated, but it is hurtful to think that she believes that I am in some way, lucking out that my boyfriend even wants to propose before I "earned my right".
I don't feel like I need to abide by any timeline rules before I am eligible to marry. Some people insist that you need to be together 3 years before you truly know someone. Others say that you should go through several devastating and/or lifechanging events before deciding you can wed. Some others suggest that I'm still in the blind honeymoon phase and am too crazy in love to think this through clearly. To those people, I simply say that I know the man I'm marrying, inside and out. I know what kind of person he is, and will continue to be. The love we share will carry us through life and the ups and downs of marriage and children.
I think it's silly for naysayers to hack on quickly-engaged couples. FI and I were only together two years before we got engaged, and to me, that's long! However, I can definitely see how it would seem short to others. It just doesn't make any sense for other's to knock it. Those people aren't in the relationship. Those people have no idea of what kind of connection [the quick to get engaged] have or how in tune those couples are to their intuition.
I don't know, every situation is different, and no one should be judging or even consider someone to be irresponsible because of length of time a couple has spent before getting engaged.
On the flip side to that, most of us know that couple who have been together umpteen years, lived together forever, may even have children together and seem perfectly happy, and we are left to wonder "when the heck are they going to make this official? why haven't they already?" well...we probably shouldn't judge them either, because a lot of people are quick to jump to conclusions!. :)
One additional thought-
I think knowing when you have found "the one" has just as much to do with knowing yourself as it does knowing your partner. True, a relationship grows and changes over the years-but so will it in a marriage. It isn't like the day you get married you say "Well, all our growing and changing can stop now because we have decided we know each other well enough to make a lifetime commitment." No way!
You are both going to grow and change during your entire marriage-which will hopefully be the rest of one of your lives. There is no way to predict now what changes your life may bring-whether you date 6 months or 6 years. What you should know, in my opinion, is how you personally handle stress, conflict, joy, sadness, etc. and what you need your partner to do to sustain you and celebrate whatever may come (and vice-versa). For fiance and I, we have vowed to be that person for each other-no matter what changes may come-because we are able to define what we need in the other person and we are committed to providing that for each other in the lifetime to come.
just my two cents ;)
Sorry, one more thing to add! (Can you tell this topic hits home with me? 
)
A few people have mentioned jealousy so far. From my experience, jealousy was definitley involved. But some of its manifestations may be surprising. Of course, some of my single friends were jealous because they wanted to be engaged. But, on top of that, some of my friends were jealous of... my time! I went from being single to engaged in what probably felt like 0 to 60! In a more drawn out dating experience, your friends and family have time to get used to someone else being a high priority in your life. Some of my friends openly struggled with this. Another dynamic of this is that in drawn out dating situations, friends often have the chance to get to know your boyfriend very well and (hopefully!) they like him & see why you should be together. In a rapid engagement, your friends and family may feel like they barely know him.
The issues that i mentioned were very hard for me to deal with. But, I realized that my choice to get engaged quickly was very unconventional and these reactions were part of it. I stuck it out and worked through it with my friends and we've now moved past it.
Of course it's never fun or easy when people aren't being supportive. But sometimes it helps if you ask yourself why someone might be feeling the way that they do.
@Statutory Grape: They sure can, and my answer would be we don't have the money for a wedding right now. Simple as that.
We were datting for a little over a year before we got engaged. Some people were nit very nice with their comments. Mainly stuff like; you're so young. you have only been dating for such a short amount of time. are you ready to settle down. Even though we have only be together for about 2 years, we have gone through some really hard times that made us have a strong connection.
another note: my parents met on a blind date and were engaged 3 monthes later. they were married 2 monthes after that. they have been together for 24 years. sometimes you just know. lol
For me, age has a lot to do with if I pass judgement. I feel that when you are in college age or younger there is a lot of things that time is needed for, you are still figuring out who you are let alone, who you want to be. Once you are outside of that protective bubble of school, I think that it is more acceptable to get engaged quickly especially if both people are looking for marriage.
I wanted to add that FH and I had only been dating about 6 months when we moved in together, and we were 18 and 19. By the time we moved in together, I KNEW I wanted to marry him. Of course, the few people I did tell thought we were crazy, which I can understand because we were so young at the time.
Some people thought I'd moved too fast. Before FH I had been in an off an on relationship with my ex boyfriend since I was 14. He asked me to marry him several days after I turned 18, and even though I didn't want to, I said yes because I thought that's what people did when they had been together that long. Needless to say, after that, the relationship only lasted a month after the fact, and 7 months later, I started dating FH. I know it seems unfathomable from someone who is so young, but with FH, I knew he was the one for me within a few months. Of course, we dated for 4 more years before he ever proposed, but I still knew.
I don't have all the life experience that some people have who are older than me, but I've done lots of the things I wanted to do. I spent a month in Australia, I got to sing in Carnegie Hall with my hihgh school choral group, I've visitied 17 of the 50 states.
People give us flack about our ages, but I feel that I have gone through things at an early age that have made me more mature for it, and I would not be getting married if I didn't think that I could handle it.
I know I went a little off topic there, but I guess I took the long way to say, sometimes you just know. Hah.
I was 19 and with my fiance for 6 month before we got engaged. I said yes with no hesitation. We've been engaged for 3 years now and our wedding will be during the 4th. It was a great decision to promise ourselves to each other, and the waiting once we were engaged help us learn a lot and grow. SO I don't think its ever too fast to find the one. But once you do, learning how to live with them in your life is the next step lol
I have to throw in my 2 cents here - like most of the comments, I agree that people judging your short engagement are either jealous (which you should just rise above and ignore) or are genuinely concerned - the people that are concerned love you and just don't want to see you hurt.
My former best friend got engaged 2 months after meeting her guy......right after he got deported back to Canada - she was really pissed at me when she called and my second comment (after "congrats!") was "are you sure this is the right thing and not just because he just got deported?" They got married 5 months later. I was her MOH, and while I tried to be as supportive as I could, I just knew this was not right for her. Unfortunately, I did not do a good enough job being supportive, and she chalked up my criticism to me being "jealous" (because I was not engaged at that time).
2 months after that, she cheated on her husband with her former BF (whom she dated for 10 years and broke up with only 3 months before meeting her FI). Unfortunately, her and I have drifted apart, AND she is in an unhappy marriage AND there are immigration issues.
Bottom line - don't blow off your friends concerns as jealously - even if they are single. It IS possible to be concerned about a friend's FI/engagement without being a jealous single harpy!!
That being said, (obviously) I wish you are your FI and very, very long and loving marriage!! I know every relationship is unique!
I completely understand the skepticism, but I also understand getting engaged quickly. My husband and I were engaged after a month and were married six months later. We had been through a ton in the short period of time we had been together though, and I just knew.
Actually, we didn't have any haters until we announced that we were going to move up north. My father didn't like it, and his tune changed immediately after that. It was ugly. All of our mutual friends had no issue with it, because they knew us.
I also remember being asked if I was pregnant by a family member who should have known better.
Before I met my husband though, I was very judgemental of those who got engaged early, but I would never have said anything to the couples. I think it was because before I met my husband, I was in a 4-year relationship where everyone thought we were going to get married. I hated when anyone would get engaged within the period of time that we were just dating.
However, I had lost myself in my old relationship, sticking around because I was used to it. Then, I found someone that I connected with, and I didn't feel like I had to hide certain aspects of myself. Things that I would have felt stupid for asking my ex to do (even watching a simple movie with me) weren't there with my now husband. The speed of our relationship seemed very natural to me.
Even now I have to check myself when it comes to this topic. I have to stop and remind myself that I don't know their relationship and what they've been through. Usually, after I do that, all skepticism leaves.
@PepBandLove: I don't think college-age necessarily equals sheltered or not ready for marriage. If your parents coddle you and pay for everything, plus you live in a dorm, maybe. But we're both technically college-age and are working (plus me going to school), paying bills, holding an apartment, etc.
@Statutory Grape: I agree with your statement I was definitely considered "college age" but I am definitely not sheltered. We have been through issues and trials that couples married for 20+ years have probably never gone through. Sometimes life requires one to grow up. And sometimes you get lucky enough to find someone who's willing to do it with you
My parents eloped after one month of dating...and even lived in separate houses b/c no one knew.. they had their wedding ceremony 2 years later with family and friends..and will be celebrating 31 years of a happily marriage this december.
I got engaged 3 months after finding my one.. and to be honest, we werent even on bf/gf status. We just both kinda knew we wanted to be with each other.. 2 months after our engagement, we moved in together and we are still just as sure now as we were before we even talked about marriage.
One of my cousins was in a 10year relationship and things didnt work out.. he meets this girl and 5 months into dating, they get engaged.. they were suppose to have their destination wedding earlier in may this yea, but got pregnant and so they we went to hawaii alone asapand got married while all of the family watched live via online and celebrated.. they now have joy with their new baby boy..
Point is... time is only a way to measure the earth's rotation and other scientific stuff, love.. cannot be measured by time.. it is too infinitet to even be measured at all!
Oh my... I have DEF encountered this. Specifically from the FSIL (which is why she is NOT going to be in the BP) Such a shame, her own brother finally happy and she just doesnt agree with 'quick engagements' - Keep in mind I have known my fiancee and his family since we were 4 yrs old, I grew up with them all AND we will have been together 2 yrs before we get married as well. Either way, its childish to snap a remark and judge. I would never do that to someone else and I never have.
I just tell my Fiancee, the world is jealous of us ;) lol
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