Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2015 - Church
My FI is the most wonderful, generous, deeply loving man I’ve ever met. He is 36 and this is his second marriage, my first. When he was 28, he married a woman who eventually cheated on him after about 1 year. I know it sounds petty, but I want to basically avoid everything she did for their wedding and house decorating. I’ve never met the woman, obviously, but I hate the thought of her. I hate that she hurt him, even though the rational part of me knows that it was a blessing in disguise since now we are together.
So FI has several things in his home that are left over from his marriage. Dishes, glasses, flatware, furniture, etc that she chose. She was 23 at the time, and her tastes were kind of immature. (Not knocking twenty-somethings, just saying that her particular style seemed really young and impractical.) I want us to start fresh on stuff together and make our new house together our own with items we both like. But he’s very practical. FI keeps saying, “Well, you have 8 of your dishes and I have 8 of mine, why do we need new stuff?” And I feel embarrassed for saying the real reason why!
To make matters worse, we are having a spring wedding, and he got married in the spring the first time around. So now I’m a little worried about making sure we don’t copy his first ceremony/colors/theme, but without taking away FI’s chance to have a say in his own wedding.
Do I sound totally crazy? lol probably. Has anyone else experienced this?
Post # 2
No, you don’t sound totally crazy, but neither does your fiance for not wanting all new dishes just because his old ones were picked out by his ex. Honestly though, I sympathise with you. I’d likely have a lot of the same feelings, though I’d fight them.
I think if I were you I would try to shift my focus from the material to the immaterial. Instead of trying to avoid using her old registry presents and her wedding season, I would try to avoid being a cheater like her and whatever other negative traits she has that you don’t want to emulate.
As a nod to the petty and material, I would try to find out what her wedding style was (old pics?) and try to look completely different and way better. For example, if she went all-out $3000 dress with loads of tulle and bling, I would go soft, clingy and romantic.
A little victory like that could be something to concentrate on to keep you from going insane every time your husband wipes his lips with one of the napkins she chose.
Post # 3
That is a lot of anger towards someone you’ve never met. It sounds like you are more focused on her than your own relationship.
Post # 4
strawberrymojito: Mr. S was engaged long before we met so I can understand where you’re coming from. They didn’t get too far into planning things before she broke it off so my situation isn’t quite yours, but still. We each have household goods, for an entire house. haha. Registering was a pain but we decided that we wanted things that would be “ours.” Our dishes (not mine that I saved forever for, and not his which were his parents), our flatware, etc. Just explain it that way – you want to pick out things together. Then sell your current stuff. I sold all my dishes, and Mr. S’s sister wants his dishes. Problem solved.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think it means you’re “more focused on her” than on you and your FI! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to start over. Just explain that to your FI!
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - Church
HannahGrace: LOL no I’m not.
Post # 7
strawberrymojito: I think it is totally understandable to want to have your “own” things as a couple.
Both of us having been married before, we each brought “stuff” into our new home. We have since replaced most of it (good china, silver and crystal being the only exceptions I can think of right now) so that our home is something we both love and makes us both feel good.
Dishes, flatware, glassware etc are so inexpensive these days you can replace those at no great cost. Tackle the furniture by the two of you making a master plan for your decor and replacing things one by one, over time, to get to that vision.
As far as the wedding is concerned, if you have access to any of his wedding pics, you could ID the decor and make a conscious effort to do something different. I think you will compare the weddings more than anyone else, but I think wanting to be an individual and unique is understandable.
Post # 8
I would have the same feelings. Don’t feel bad about feeling how you feel. Mention that your dishes wouldn’t go to “waste” and a family member may appreciate them. Even if no one wants them, donating them to charity means a family who cannot afford nice dishes will be very grateful. Explain that these are things to help both of you start a new life together as an “us” woth thing that are “ours” because you are now a “we.”
Post # 9
There’s nothing embarrassing about wanting to have your own stuff as a copule that is yours, just tell him that.
I flat out asked my husband (or maybe I asked his sister?) what his wedding colros were the first time. His first wedding was a stuffy red formal wedding at a country club. None of it was “Him”, and it also wasn’t anything close to what I or he wanted. So it was easy not to do the same sort of thing or colors. He had a few things along the way that he did or did not want to do as well.
I’ll add… I totally got rid of things lke the stupid waterford candle sticks someone gave him and his ex, and some other items that I didn’t want and weren’t my taste (not against his will of course). BUT we also kept some things, I mean who am I to deny myself a free Henckels knife block just cause he’s already been married! 😉 Or the big all clad stock pot…
And I don’t see any anger in your post so I’m not sure why that was said whatsoever.
Post # 10
strawberrymojito: LOL ok then. Your whole post is about wanting to differ yourself from a stranger. Not about what you and your FI want for yourselvea or what suits you and your vision for your own wedding. But whatever! Clearly you are just looking for people to agree with you.
Post # 11
strawberrymojito: You have every right to feel that way!! I actually have an uncle who lost his wife and when he got remarried, his new wife wanted to move b/c his home reeked of his late wife. Different scenario, but it makes sense.
Post # 12
i don’t know what her style is. but you having 8 and him having 8 dishes don’t work either unless they coordinate.
can you get a new set for your kitchen, then use hers for outside and grilling, bbq, picnics, etc. then if opps, one breaks it is not a big deal.
or can you donate or sell her dishes. someone may like it for inexpensive.
Post # 13
I would feel the same way!
Post # 14
strawberrymojito: I definitely don’t believe you’re being crazy! I would indeed be thinking/behaving the exact same way I do believe. My only wee concern is that you haven’t told him this! In my case, my FI would have thrown it all out, even if it meant eating off of paper plates or lettuce leaves, before I ever even came into the picture LOL.
Post # 15
My DH was married before in similar circumstances (she cheated and left less than a year into the marriage) so I get feeling dislike towards a person who hurt your FI so much. I obviousLy didn’t want out weddings to be similar but her and I naturally have pretty different tastes. As far as the stuff in the home goes if it’s not your taste and he’s not particularly attached to it then just say this is why you would like to get rid of it. I was ok though with DH keeping stuff like a click he got as a wedding present first time round etc in our home, I’m not bothered by that sort of stuff.