Post # 1
I’m going through this right now with my grandma. I mean she’s not dying but she’s old as dirt and in and out of the hospital all the time and I find myself just not caring or thinking about her at all. It’s my dad’s mom and I’ve never been close with her. I spent a lot of time at her house as a kid when I would visit my dad (parents divorced when I was 2) and I have a female cousin the same age as me and she was clearly my grandma’s favorite. This might sound bad but it never bothered me because my dad’s side of the family is very redneck and I wasn’t. My dad is like one of the few out of his family who went to college and is sohpisticated and well traveled, etc. but he still comes from a pretty redneck family and I’m definitely a city girl and just never bonded with any of his family, including my grandma. And not only that, but one time I was going through old pictures with her (when I was a teenager and visiting) and there was a picture of my uncle when he was little and he was wearing a dress. I thought it was a joke and I was like, “omg, what was he doing?” and she told me that was his punishment for being bad. Ever since she told me that, I was filled with disgust towards her and a total lack of respect. That’s fucking child abuse and I just detached myself from her even more ever since then. I also started wondering if she did that to my dad too and it bugged me to think about my dad being humiliated like that as a kid. I mean my dad’s pretty normal I guess and he turned out ok, but I know she used to use the belt on him and his brother and my dad jokes about it now like, “yea my mom used to whip my ass”. But I’m just like UGH! when I think about it. I can’t love someone like that, family or not.
I just talked to my dad and he’s with my grandma now at the hospital and was like, “yea she’s still here” and I didn’t even know she was there to begin with because I don’t care. Is this normal do you think considering the facts about her? I try to act like I care when I talk to my dad and I ask questions but I couldn’t give 2 shits about her.
Has anyone gone through anything similar?
Post # 5
I’ve felt like this before. Not any disgust, but just not being able to handle it.
I was young at the time (in my teens) but my Aunt was in the hospital dying of cancer and I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the hospital. I couldn’t bear to see it.
When I was older (about 20) I visited my Grandpa as he was dying of cancer and although I’m glad I saw him to say goodbye, I regret having that as a last memory of him. Seeing who used to be such a jolly, funny guy just wasting away like that was difficult. I’m sure he appreciated our visit though.
Post # 6
I have went though this. I honeslty think its a way some people cope. You dont let yourself be as involved in whats going on so you dont get hurt.
Post # 7
@organizedbride11: yea i agree that it’s a defense mechanism but i really just don’t like her lol
trust me when it’s my dad or mom or husband, etc., i will be at the hospital every friggin night and until the end if anything were to happen. i’m fiercly loyal and protective of the ones i love. and i just don’t love my grandma.
maybe it’s the scorpio in me. we are known for being able to just shut our emotions off and be cold as ice when we don’t like or respect someone. i think that’s just what it is..
Post # 8
Yes, I went through this with my grandfather. I did visit him in the hospital when he was dying and although I felt sad to see him suffering, I did not feel any kind of personal loss at all when he died. Similar situation where he was just an all-around horrible person and having him be family didn’t make me like him any more. Interestingly enough, I am also a scorpio 🙂
Post # 9
Yep. Both my Grandmother and Grandfather on my Father’s side.
They were both rich, entitled, drunks and my Grandmother had SERIOUS untreated mental illnesses.
Grandfather was usually on his best behavior around us, occasionally he’d slip up…like when I was 9…He told me…”You have a beautiful singing voice, too bad you’re so fat.”.
I watched my Grandmother take her last breath in a nursing home due to emphysema (I was 10). My Grandfather had a myriad of health problems. He finally fell over, broke his hip, refused to call 911 for 6 hours, got an infection and died (I was 18 and didn’t travel to his bedside to say goodbye. Because he disowned me at age 16 for asking him to politely stop talking trash about my Mom infront of my younger sister; he was bitter about my parents divorce.).
They were both mean spirited people. They have irreversibly destroyed their family and I don’t feel sad about them dieing. They are a shining example of the lyric, “Only the good die young.”
Post # 10
honestly i’m glad im not alone. thanks for sharing your experiences. i was starting to think there was something wrong with me and i was being a sociopath. sometimes i get like that about people though. i mean if i truly dont like you and you die, i’m just like ‘oh..” lol but i usually have good reasons to not like you, hence my story about how my grandma used to punish my uncle and father. im sorry but that was it for me.
Post # 11
Yes, my grandmother. She has been battling scleraderma for 15+ years. She practically raised me and is my mother. We used to be extremely close. Unfortuantely, as I grew up, I became a very angry/depressed person. I became distant with everyone. I feel absolutely terrible because I can’t seem to be the person I used to be towards her. I used to live with her up til this past December. Every time I visit her, she’s more frail, skinny, and weak. It’s breaking my heart. I’m so angry that she has to go through the pain and sickness that she is enduring. There’s a lot more to it. I am almost in tears writing this. She’s my grandmother. My mother. My best friend for the longest time. I love her with all of my heart. I want her to feel nothing but comfort and relaxation. I wish there was more I could do for her.
Post # 12
@nontraditionalmiami: Personally I didn’t have that w/my family but my DH’s paternal family is like that. We didn’t find out that his Gma had passed away until we read the obituary in the paper–she lived in the same town as us and it’s under 30k people, let’s be honest–we should have known, but we are so detached from his family that they didn’t even think to tell us. We didn’t go to the funeral b/c he said it would just be obvious that he was just there b/c it was what was “expected” of him. They weren’t close at all…clearly 😛
Post # 13
@Rouquine: but you HAVE feelings about it. so it’s not like you’re just thinking, “oh well whatever she is dying, i didn’t like her anyway” which is what i’m talking about. unless you mean you’re doing the defense mechanism thing, in which case i would say try to get over it so you can be there for her in her last days. you owe it to her.
i’m sorry you’re going through that:( just hang in there and when she finally passes, know that she won’t be suffering anymore and you can start the process of accepting it and moving on. think of the positive thoughts only.
Post # 14
when my dad died i sat there watching him and what i was feeling was “finally” and “this is your path”.
my dad was sick most of my life, was constantly in and out of hospital – i was more upset that he was conscious and aware that he was dying than i was about him actually dying. when we got the call at 10pm i was halfway through boxing up all this stuff for donations and i was sitting at my desk hours later working because it was not a big blimp on my radar, i even worked the day of his funeral
Post # 15
When my Grandmother passed away it didn’t effect me at all. When I was 6 she moved to Florida. I maybe saw her once every other year growing up. When we did see her, she wasn’t like a normal grandmother. She was cold and pushy. She also thought my Mother made a terrible choice in marrying my Father and I remember hearing her say horrible things about my Dad. I never was close with her and remember feeling like hugging her and stuff was just an obligation. When she passed away I just felt bad for my Mom, but didn’t really have any emotional issues myself.
Post # 16
I deal with emotional things by not dealing with them and accepting them. Both my great grandmothers passed away and I refused to go to their funerals. I was very close to both but I would have to face what I didn’t want to be true. I accept the fact that they have passed away, however I never ever think about it. I block emotions out that I am not ready to deal with. Like PP mentioned, I think it is a common way for people to deal with things that aren’t good at emotionally coping.