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First, I'd stop the jabs. I know its hard sometimes, but take the high road! Also, I would sit down with your husband and talk to him while the kids arent around. He may not be able to stand up to his ex and confront her about what she's saying, but he can certainly stand up to the kids and make sure they respect you when they are home with you and/or your husband. I hope that helps!
Well this is my take on the situation and here goes.
My ex also married his affair partner too. And things are/were not rosy and hearts in flowers in their marriage.
He too, has begun acting wacky, saying all kinds of mean things about T now, even going nuts b/c T went with me to the parent/teacher conference.
It's about control too imho. They thought they were getting something else in the other person they cheated with, but after time moves forward, I think lots of the cheaters realize they had it pretty good before all the drama they caused and wish they could undo all the bad stuff they did.
My ex husband also doesn't like the idea of me being attached to somebody. I think all was fine in his little world when I was single. When it was just me. As if I was some sort of option for him (not!) and now I've changed things in his eyes. Truthfully I could care less, but I think it's about two issues. 1)control and his loss of control over my life and 2)regret for doing all the stupid stuff and cheating, realizing that he had it way better than he does now.
And the ex is probably jealous too btw. That's why the kids are repeating what she has placed in their little impressionable heads.
@ sea otter - You're right, I should quit with the jabs and we should have more of a talk. He's just not in a good mood right now for some reason. I'm sure it's my pressure and her pressure and everything else in between, but when I ask, he acts like I'm the one with attitude and acting witchy. Maybe when he gets through whatever he's going through we can talk more. We usually have great communication - I don't know what is wrong right now.
@ bellenga - You're right too. She probably is jealous. That was my first thought when she violated our space and burst into our house. I'm certain it's repeating what they heard too. I'm not mad at the boys in anyway - I understand it's not their fault.
I agree with bellenga - it's totally about control, and to some extent, probably jealousy. Using the kids as pawns in her little games is NOT cool. I don't know if there's any possible way your ex could confront her about that. (Or if you could both talk to her together).
My ex is very seriously dating my daughter's "babysitter" now (she's 27 and also my former best friend). She had been watching my daughter for YEARS before they got together. Anywho... cue our wedding in 5 days (this Sunday), and all of a sudden he's gotten a whacky again. It's like he had been distracted by her, but now realizes that I'm getting married again. He actually suggested that he give our daughter something for her to wear (like jewelry or a hairpin) during our ceremony so that she could be reminded of her father during OUR ceremony. I said, no, we have everything all picked out (and we're giving her a gorgeous gold locket the day before) - why don't you give her a picture of you and her to take with her that weekend instead? I SO don't want a "reminder" of him in all of our wedding pictures. Sigh.
So yea, it sounds like control/jealousy and the best thing is to not react or react calmly to it (see, e.g., me offering another suggestion instead of just shooting my ex's idea down entirely). :-)
I would recommend reading the Truth about Children and Divorce by Robert E. Emory PhD. Its a really, really good book with almost 30 years of solid research. What I like about it is that while it gives fantastic and accurate insight into the children from divorce families, it also provides insight into their parents behavior. Plus he discusses different approaches to dealing with everyone involved. As a mother of two who is approaching her second wedding this June, I have been using this book with unbelievable results when it comes to dealing with my kids and my ex, and it has given my FI the best tools of all. The trauma that the ex is doing to her own sons is so sad and thankfully those boys will have you and their dad to help build their resilience to her unstable parenting. Hope this helps.
Oh honey... I'm so sorry. This has got to be so hard.
I completely agree with Bellenga. I think it is jealousy and control. This may not be what you want to hear, but you really have to take the high road on this. Children are smart. They will take advantage of the gaps in parenting. My suggestion is that you and your husband discuss things and make a plan. Decide who will handle what, what the rules are etc. Once all of the children are together, have a family meeting. Explain that things may be different in other houses, but here, this is what's expected. If you and your husband present a united front, you'll be much stronger.
My son's therapist used a great analogy for me: Children are like bouncing balls... When they have rules and expectations (think walls), they have something to bounce off of and it is safe for them to test their limits. In a house with no rules, there are a lot of unknowns. Rather than feeling free, they end up feeling unsure and unstable. they need the walls to make them feel secure. My X was also "unstable" and did lots of crazy things. My kids hear me say a lot, that may be ok in dad's house, but here, we _____.
Also - Every.single.time - a kid will defend the parent that is being criticized. They feel like they have to - his kids love their mom, even if she is a loon. When she acts crazy, you can say she made a poor choice and leave it at that. The kids will pick up on your anger and frustration with her. If you never have anything mean to say, they'll pick up on that too. In the end (and as they grow) they will remember integrity and unconditional love. They'll remeber feeling safe and not being drilled for info (something I assume his Ex does - mine does and their behavior seems similar) Once the kids see that you and your husband's main concern is them, they will relax more. I would bet that his kids are pushing your buttons to see what you do. They may feel put in the middle by their mom, but you guys can take that feeling away. I cringe when my kids talk about thier dad, but I do my best to just nod and say uh-huh. Otherwise - something bad might pop out.
I just wrote a novel - holy cow! LOL. I hope things settle down for you guys. I'm glad you have us to vent to... Maybe you should pull up this thread... My vents about the X are there.
Longest reponse ever - but I wanted to add that you can't change his Ex - you won't be able to reason with her either.
What you can change is how she effects your life and how you handle her. There's just no reasoning with unreasonable people.
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I'll have to check out that book prairyway. Querida, what you said makes a lot of sense. I had a long talk with my ex sister in law last night after I blogged about this because she's been through a similar situation. Like you she said we need to keep our house positive and never ever run her down (which I usually don't in front of them). She said one big thing I need to do is "redirect" when they start talking about how great their mom is or how they do this or that at her house, I need to redirect with the great things we do. Once we start changing the subject whenever they talk about her, my ex SIL seemed to think they may quit talking about her in front of me. We never interegate them about their mom, I'm sure it's not the same on her side since we get nasty texts about things that have happened at our house (like punishment for bad behavior or breaking the rules when they're in our house). Another thing my ex SIL said was that I need to take back "my nest". This woman has no respect for me or my space. Part of that comes from us living in the house that they lived in together, but we don't really have any options for moving out now. We already have two other houses we can't get rid of, maybe after we sell them we can think about selling this house. She suggested I have a talk with her about her behavior and how she is NOT to come into my space. I don't really know how I feel about this since I've NEVER spoken to her face to face.
What do you think about the speaking to the ex thing?
I realize I'm playing into her hands with my behavior by getting angry at my husband. I realize he has no control over her or what the boys say. If I continue with the bad attitude I'll push him away, and that's not what I want.
Thanks again for the advice ladies.
I'm so sorry to hear about that. It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation.
And I know it's hard to take the high road, but trust me, you will be glad you did in the long run. His ex is definately acting jealous (and what is that weirdness, when you left him, it's like.."how dare he move on, he's supposed to still be pining for me") and while you do not have control over her "space" or her actions. You do have control over yours. And it's time you stepped up and took it (back)
Be gentle but firm.
First, when they say ugly things about you.
1. Tell your stepson's that when they say ugly things about you, it hurts your feelings.
2. Tell them that you're sorry they think you're such a bad mother. But that you love your daughters and they shouldnt have to defend loving you. No more than they should have to defend their love for their mother.
Also you could tie any damage control into that by saying "I'm sorry I said *that* about your mom. My feelings were hurt/ I was frustrated and I didnt react well, and I apologize for that. As the adult I should know better.
As far as her barging into your house..
1. Change the locks.
2. The next time she does it firmly tell her "I'm sorry Griselda, I know it's difficult to remember, but this is not your home anymore, this is mine. If you continue to act as if you live here I will have to ask you not to come in anymore" You dont need to let your husband handle it. It is YOUR house now too.
Also, stop always deferring to their father to set them straight. (this is like asking someone else to gain respect for you) This is YOUR family now too. I'm pretty darn sure of you asked them how they would like it if someone treated their mother the way they treat you, they wouldn't like it so much.
And lastly..and I am sorry if this is over the bounds of propriety. Your husband does need to lay down the law and tell them to stop being arses to you. Admit it, you resent that he allows them to talk to you that way, to clearly disrespect and goad you. In the end they are his children and there is only so much you can do or expect.
I suspect a simple "Guys it's really disrespectful to talk to your stepmom like that. I understand you love your mom. But I love (IA snowflake) and I would appreciate it if you didnt hurt her feelings anynmore because it hurts me" The next time they're acting up should go a ways to helping them see the light.
Dont allow your husbands ex to chip away at your marriage. This is your family how and you have a responsibility to fight for it, and be happy!
Good luck I'm rooting for you :-)
(edited to add.. I hope sincerely nothing I said offended you. You sound like a lovely lady in a bad situation and I'm just trying to offer a new approach) :-)
I agree with everyone who said that it is about jealous and control. When I asked my ex-husband for a divorce, he literally flipped out although he had been unfaithful and constantly told me how much he hated being married to me. But, once I sought to get my own life back he lost it.
It's unfortunate, however, that she is dragging the kids into it. I think that with the children you can redirect, but you can also practice the art of ignore. My son's therapist suggested that for some of my son's behavior. Like, if he's talking about "mom is not going to play fair," you respond with "that's nice" and keep doing whatever you're doing. When the child sees that it has no effect on you, they stop.
I imagine that over time she will settle down, but it'd be a good idea for you guys to set up clear (legal) boundaries now. You can limit the contact that she has with you guys, and even the contact that she has while the kids are there. You can (try) to limit what is said in front of the kids through Court Orders as well.
It's such a horrible thing to have to deal with. I so feel your pain. Hugs!
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I already posted about my husband having "PMS" lately, but I started thinking about it and maybe I'm not making the situation better by making little jabs about his ex wife.
Ever since we got married three months ago, his ex has gone into psycho mode. She's been demanding, shows up when it's not her time, just acting like a loon. My husband has joint physical and legal custody of his three sons. The straw that broke the camels back a few months ago was when she BURST into our house demanding school pictures that the boys gave their dad. My daughters were at the top of the stairs while she screamed and cussed at him. He stayed back and just kept telling her she needed to leave, but after that we went ahead and filed a police report just so we had the back up later if we have to go to court.
On Friday, he went hunting with two of his sons while I went shopping and to a movie with his other and my daughters. ALL DAY long his son kept going on and on about his mom, I was nice and listened to it all, but wanted to scream - SHUT UP - I don't want to hear about her! Later that night we took all the kids to dinner and on our way home I was listening to him talk to my youngest daughter about his mom again. First he said, " You know, if you were my mom's daughter you could do whatever you wanted and wouldn't get yelled at". I had kind of had it and piped up saying"well, it's a good thing she's my daughter then so she's well-behaved". Then his other son asked his dad, "Can you leave a girl after you marry her?". Again, I'd had it and shouted, "No, you can't." Right after that, I caught something in the conversation about how their mom was not going to fight fair anymore...WHAT? At that point I made my husband tell the boys they needed to be quiet the rest of the way home, but WHAT THE HECK!?!
A little background - she left him and divorced him. She married the guy she left him for in April. So why the heck are the boys asking these questions? I mean some of the stuff the kids could have just come up with - I understand that. But what is with the "not going to fight fair anymore - that's totally an adult thing - not a 6 year old phrase.
So, I've been making jabs about how she's trying to steal him, take him from me. I'm sure it's not helping, but how am I suppossed to feel?
So so long, but has anyone else gone through this?