- 7 years ago
I have been on these boards for awhile now and have seen what a helpful community this is…and I hope that I will be able to turn to the bees for some help and advice.
I also know there has been influx of “cheating” posts on here recently, enough that people are beginning to call troll to first posts of this nature. I hope my story will not fall under that umbrella.
I have just found out that my SO of 4 years has been cheating on me with her manager for the past year. We are not yet engaged but have been talking seriously about marriage and children for awhile now.
She has been on various trips with him, including an overseas trip to see her sister and friends from university. She was regularly seeing him after work, about three nights a week (not always having sex). She also got pregnant with his child and had an abortion as soon as she found out.
She said she tried to break it off with him on a number of occasions but he blackmailed her by saying that he would tell me about everything. He was eventually going to leave this month, so she thought she would just carry one for a bit longer and try to keep him “happy” until he left. He knew she didn’t want to be with him, that is one of the reasons he was leaving.
He knew she had a boyfriend all along. I was told that was it how it started, as they would meet up to talk about their respective relationships as friends. She admitted she always knew he had feelings for her but “justified” it in her head that as nothing was happening it wasn’t cheating.
Some info about me: I travel a lot for work. I have been working abroad for the past 18 months. This contract was not meant to last this long but I was doing it for our future together. We would see each other about once a month, talk nearly every night as well as message each other throughout the day. I would not have been able to survive this contract without her support. I hated being away from her but as what I am doing will support us in the future and help us set up the future we wanted, I was willing to put up with the hardship.
I am far from perfect. I cheated on her early on in our relationship. We were long distance at that time, I had just come out of a failed long distance relationship and didn’t want the same thing. But we had such a connection. Perhaps I was scared, I kept trying to push her away, and ultimately cheated on her. It happened a few times and it made me realise what I really wanted. She forgave me and we moved on.
Since then she has moved countries to be with me after finishing her degree. She finished her degree in one country and fully expected to work there after finishing. However, she moved to be with me as soon as she graduated. Although she essentially moved “home”, this is where her parents are and where she was raised but it was never in her plan to move back after finishing her degree. She made a huge personal sacrifice for our relationship.
She tells me that she thought I would never really love her and come through for her. That I would never feel the same way towards her as she did towards me. That she waited for so many years already. So when he appeared and showed interest, she was flattered. She wanted to be desired.
It sounds silly but I always thought she was happy. I understood our circumstances were not ideal but when we were together, everything was perfect. She told me she felt the same way. That when we were together all her fears and insecurities melted away but when we were apart they would claw at her.
Even after finding out that she has been cheating on me, I want to be with her. She has been more upfront with me and we have really poured our hearts out to each other in the past few weeks. She has told me she wants to be with me, she realises now how much I loved her, that she was weak and it will never happen again. I believe her.
She says just knowing that I really do love her has given her the foundation she has been craving.
But how do I forget about all the lies? How do I look at her and not think about what she is capable of doing to me. How little I meant to her during those times?
Am I fooling myself?
I want to marry her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want her to be the mother of my children. But I how do I move on?
We have been talking about getting married at the end of the year.
It’s impossible to condense a relationship into a single post. I am hurting and hope maybe someone who has gone through similar will be able to offer some advice.
Once a cheater, always a cheater? Did anybody get married their SO even after finding out they had cheated? Did the doubts always claw at you? Can you make it work?