Post # 1
I’m trying to decide if I’ve lost perspective, so I thought I would ask the lovely ladies of the hive. 🙂
Background info: I live in a tiny house with my FI. Closet space is practically non-existent, so trying to cram my lovely dress in the closet is not an option. My solution– wedding dress protected in a garment bag on the back of a door that always stays open (hidden from sight between door & wall).
So…. I get home from work yesterday and FI says, "So-and-so really thought your dress was pretty". Evidently, a guest at our house saw the bag, asked my FI and he said I wouldn’t mind if she looked. My immediate reaction was shocked and hurt. The only person who has seen my dress was my MOH– bc she was the person with me when dress shopping. Not even my mom has seen it. So I get upset and then FI gets mad at me bc of how I react. He says there is no way he would have known it was a big deal. This from the guy who is adamant about not seeing it before the big day.
Before it’s said, I do know this wouldn’t have happened if the dress was stored somewhere else. Problem is, I don’t want to risk leaving it at a friend’s, my parents live far away and storing it at the dress shop wasn’t an option either. *sigh* So my question to everyone: How would you have reacted? Have I been sipping on the wedding Kool-Aid too long and am making a deal out of nothing? Would you have been upset too? I would appreciate outside opinions. Thanks ladies!
PS- Would you ladies have asked/looked at the dress without the bride being there? Is this ok?
Post # 3
I would be PISSED. What a rude person to ask to see your dress!
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2010 - The Pierre Hotel
I wouldn’t have asked to see the dress without the bride being there, and I would have reacted the same way as you if someone HAD seen it. Sorry to hear that this happened!! Giving your FH the benefit of the doubt, I guess he had no idea that this mattered, but I think it’s totally acceptable if you explain to him that going forward, under no uncertain circumstances should this happen again!
Post # 5
No, I dont think you overreacted at all. I would have been hurt too if FI let a friend see the dress without my prior knowledge. That is part of the excitement, seeing the bride in her beautiful dress on the wedding day!!
What I can say, is no matter how beautiful that dress is, whats going to be even more stunning and amazing, and beyond words and a million times more beautiful than that dress by itself is YOU in that dress on your wedding day. You will be glowing and smiling and happy! YOU are what makes that dress beautiful!!
Hope you feel a little better! And try not to hold it against FI, men can be stupid at times!! 🙂
Post # 6
I definitely would have been upset. Personally, I’ve let so many people see pictures of my dress (all of my BMs, some GMs, mom, in-laws…you name it, they’ve seen it). BUT I wouldn’t want some one seeing it without clearing it with me first. The thing is, he didn’t know that you’d be upset. He *should* have know, but he’s a guy and guys don’t really think of these things. This situation is one where you get pissed (I certainly would) but then after a few hours you just gotta let it go. No real harm was done and in the grand scheme of things it’s small potatoes.
And to answer your question, no, I would not ask to see the dress if a bride wasn’t there. Some brides are really open with their dress, some are super secretive. Regardless, it’s best to clear it with the bride directly than assume it would be OK.
Post # 7
I would have had the same reaction – majorly pissed. That being said, I’m sure that when the guest at your house asked what was in the bag and heard it was your wedding dress, your FI might have been caught off-guard at being asked to see it and said yes. His reaction to you being angry sounds like self-defense… he probably knew it wasn’t really ok to show anyone (especially since you say that he doesn’t want to see it before hand) but didn’t know because I assume it was a female asking him, and he probably assumed that if another girl thought it was ok, then it must be. Of course when you told him you were angry, he was probably angry with himself, as well.
Or I could be majorly wrong and he really thought it wasn’t a big deal and doesn’t know why you think it is. Either way, I’d be pissed off, but at this point what’s done is done. Just tape a piece of paper to the garment bag "Wedding Dress – Back off, or else". That should clear up any confusion.
Post # 8
I would’ve been super pissed, too.
I bet he now knows to to show anyone else!
Post # 9
Had you mentioned that he shouldn’t show it to anyone? If you never said it was something to be kept under wraps, how the heck is he supposed to know not to show it to someone? Who is this guest anyways? A family member or just someone who goes, "omg can i see it?"
I don’t think it’s a huge deal at all. Here’s why. It’s not like you told him beforehand and he can’t read your mind. He obviously didn’t think you’d be upset and he didn’t think it’d be a big deal, otherwise he never would have shown it. He probably thought you’d like the compliment. If he knew he shouldn’t show it to you, he would have just shown the guest and NOT told you what he/she thought of it, right?
We tend to get wound tight about stuff. People ask all the time to see my dress when they’re over. All friends and/or family though. I’ve shown pics, too. Men are just totally clueless! If I didn’t want my FI to show somebody something, I’d make sure he knew it was secretive. He doesn’t know any better and I think you just had a breakdown in communication
I would not ask to see another brides’ dress if she wasn’t there. i certainly wouldn’t ask her FI and I wouldn’t want to accidentally touch it and get greasy fingers on it or something!
No crying over spilt milk. And at least he knows better now =] So one person saw your dress; don’t let it ruin your week. I bet she won’t remember it in 3 months. Wedding dresses all look the same on the rack, more or less. It’s how they look ON the bride that makes it memorable.
Post # 10
Thanks all for your responses!
Last night after processing how I felt, in the end I wasn’t angry with him for giving permission. After all, I don’t expect him to read my mind and what happened can’t be changed. What still hurts the most was his reaction/anger after he knew it mattered so much to me. I was also puzzled bc the person I expected to know better was the girl (ps- she’s not a family member). I just wanted to make sure the fact it mattered to me wasn’t unreasonable or silly.
Post # 11
I have to agree with ejs … he can’t read your mind to know it was such a secret. I would just be SO happy HE didn’t look at the dress himself. Now that I would be upset over.
Post # 12
Yay, glad some time helped you cool down. It usually does the trick.
He probably reacted the way he did b/c he knew it upset you so bad and he was more upset with HIMSELF for messing up and pissing you off. My FI reacts the same way sometimes and you just have to call them on it. They don’t realize they’re doing it, but it just breaks their heart when they hurt you unintentionally.
Maybe your friend just realized how exceptional your tasteis and couldn’t resist sneaking a peek, lol. If she hadn’t been married before or wasn’t engaged, she probably had no idea though. I had no idea things were so "secretive" about weddings until i bought my dress and people were asking me left and right if it was in hiding until the big day.
I agree with Panda! Man, if HE snuck a peek, oh man, there’d be the devil to pay. Oooooh man. Let’s not go there
Post # 13
This would tick me off. I personally don’t think people should be viewing a bride’s dress without the bride present! Number one because it could be a secret and number two because you don’t want people handling your dress without your permission – one darn smudge on an all-white garment and you are in trouble!
That said, though, it sounds like an innocent mistake on both (his and the girl’s) parts and I don’t think either meant any harm.
Post # 14
I’d be furious. Not so much that someone saw it… I have shown mine to a few people. But that he gave what wasn’t his to give. That’s not his dress. It’s not his place to give permission for people to look at it. Think about it this way… if someone wanted to see something of your FI’s that wasn’t readily available to view (like something in a bag or box) that you didn’t have permission to see, would you show it to someone else? Would you show off other people’s belongings without their permission or knowledge? Probably not. I’d be really mad at him, he really overstepped.
Post # 15
You can be upset that the dress has been seen, but you can’t be mad at him for not realizing that you were saving it from everyone (not just him) until the big day. My bridesmaid who helped me pick mine out showed another friend of hers (someone I don’t like) the pictures from our shopping trip and of me in THE dress, and I was upset about it, but I didn’t lash out at her since she apparently didn’t realize (but she knows now!).