(Closed) Have I gone and screwed up again?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
674 posts
Busy bee

Every family handles this differently. I can tell you that my guy would never allow me to leave out his stepmom from something like that because regardless of how close he may be to her (he’s not), his father did marry her. He doesn’t even like being around her kids and we avoid the holidays with them because his dislike of them, but he still wouldn’t want me to ignore her status in his family. The other thing is that no one in his family would ever assume that recognizing his stepmom is somehow trying to equate her with his own mother.

In my own opinion, I think it has the potential to be hurtful since you say she is paying for one of your wedding-related events. There is a very good chance that she will notice. Whether she is actually hurt by it or even voices that hurt to you will be a different story. I don’t know if there’s a good solution since you say you can’t make any changes to it and nothing else will really fit without potentially drawing major attention to the oversight.

Post # 5
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I’m including step-mom (whom I love) in the processional (she’ll also have a corsage), but she’s not in the program, nor was she on the invites. I doubled-checked with my Dad about the invites, and he said “No, you have one mother, I wouldn’t expect to be on one of her children’s invites.”

It might also depend how old Fiance was when his parents remarried. I was an adult when my Dad and step-mom married, so she didn’t help raise me. And it took years for me to make the change from “Dad’s wife” to “step-mom.”

So I think you’re okay with the programs, since FSFIL wasn’t listed either. Of course, I could be completely wrong- can you (or better yet, FI) check with your FFIL?

Post # 6
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I think I am going to run into the same problem. No advice but I am thread watching.

Post # 7
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, I would have put something to the effect of:

Parents of the Groom

Judy and John Jetson (mom and step dad’s name)
Billy and Brenda Brown (dad and step mom’s name)

I agree with the PP that said giving them credit on the program because she is paying for one of the wedding-related events would be kind.

Post # 10
674 posts
Busy bee

@iarebridezilla: If he’s so against his father’s wife that he doesn’t even want to recognize her with a little set of flowers or a note in the program, then perhaps it’s time to have a conversation with him about ways that women will more typically respond to being left out. Women are more likely to notice these details, especially if they have been asked to be involved in paying for a related event. In my circles, most people would also notice that the stepmom isn’t being recognized and wonder if it reflects a form of disrespect.

I can tell you that even though my guy wouldn’t have let me get away with ignoring his stepmom, he’s still far more sensitive to how he recognizes and treats her now that we’re together. I just do things like mention something she might like or enjoy, and he also saw how well she gets along with my mom. At no point has he or anyone else ever assumed that because he recognizes her with simple consideration and recognition that she is replacing his mother or that he’s any less loyal to his mother. Perhaps you should let your Fiance know so he can let go of whatever issues keep him from wanting to even give an acknowledgement to a woman helping to pay for part of his wedding activities.

Post # 12
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok, I looked this one up… (Peggy Post’s book of Wedding Etiquette)

Technically the Grooms Parents are indeed his Birth Father & Mother, so when addressed as “Parents of the Groom” what you have done is correct

When Parents are divorced and remarried, and relations are friendly / respectful, then if one was for example issuing a Wedding Invitation where both Parental Couples are contributing the wording would list the mother first, and the father second…

Example (this one uses a Wedding Invitation just naming Brides Parents but gives a point of reference for your dilemma)

Mr & Mrs Jane Doe (MOB) and Mr & Mrs John Smith (FOB) request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Sue Smith (Bride) etc.

NOTE – I’ve put in the abbreviations, MOB, FOB, Bride so you can see the flow, they of course don’t appear on the printed invitations.

Hope this is helpful… honestly think in your situation you’ve done the right thing, and recognizing both sets at the Reception is great.  I give you BONUS POINTS for being so consciencious of everyone’s feelings and working thru what for many families is a “difficult” situation when it comes to Weddings.



Post # 14
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@iarebridezilla:  My Darling Husband also has a “step-mom” and “step-dad” but these were marriages that took place when he was older so they didn’t take any part in raising him so we didn’t acknowledge them in the programs because they aren’t his mom and dad.  We also did a head table that included us, the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and our parents only.  

Post # 16
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@iarebridezilla:  LOL yeah I’m sure it will work itself out, just think… all this crap is almost OVER for you.  🙂

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