Post # 1
hi bees! hope everyone is having a blessed day so far.
i decided to create a new account instead of using my regular one. I would really appreciate your advice. Please no negative comments.
i’ve been happily engaged, until march. when something unfortunate happened to me. He hit me! In my eyes he was no longer predictable. Now, 99% of the time he is a calm , lovable guy, it completely shocked me and was unexpected, i guess thats how it starts. I promptly left the house to process everything. I’m still affected by that night and can’t erase it from my memory. I’ve agreed to continue with our initial plans, ONLY if he enrolls in a batterer intervention program and after that, couples counseling. until then, there will be absolutely no talk about marriage. He believes he doesn’t need that program because he isn’t abusive ( umm hello! did you forget)? He continued to justify his actions. Nevertheless, He gave me him word he would. Right after that, i moved back in and everything went back to normal as if nothing happened between us. Fast forward… HE STILL HASN’T GONE TO ANY SESSIONS OR PROGRAMS!!!! he discovered is 16 weeks long. It is every saturday for 2 hours. He got upset and said he has more important things to do bla bla bla. I would bring it up every week and he says “ i will hun, i’ve been busy with work i will schedule it”. Before i decided to continue with my relationship with him i gave myself a timeline. I told myself if he doesn’t go to this program by …..i’m leaving . He is also aware of this.
I truly think he feels everything is fine with us and therefore doesn’t need to go. It hurts my feelings that he is taking this matter lightly while i’m still bothered by it. He still thinks we are getting married. Even if he ends up going…am i doing the smartest thing marrying someone who slapped me? Im starting to feel this was all a mistake. I can really use some advice from you bees. Thanks!
Post # 3
@tealady: You agreed to work it out if he went to these classes. He is not holding up his end of the bargain. You need to leave.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
@tealady: I would move back out. That is the only motivation and if he doesnt do it then he never will and yes you are in danger. Take it from a girl who grew up in an abusive house … they are always sorry. They are always nice a lot of the time.
Post # 5
@tealady: Even if you want the relationship to work, it won’t if he doesn’t see how serious this issue. Be prepared to truly stick to your ultimatum. If he doesn’t go….leave. Don’t just threaten and not follow through. I’m sure it would be heart wrenching to leave but would be the best and strongest thing you can do in the long run.
Good luck! *Hugs*
Post # 6
Call time on this relationship. He clearly doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong so don’t wait until next time. Because trust me, there will be a next time.
Post # 7
@tealady: Leave. I think he’s made it abundantly clear where you and your feelings rank in his life.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@tealady: Leave. BIP classes take 26 weeks and very few men actually graduate from them and hoenstly, the few that I have seen graduate are the worst manipulators in the bunch so they just figure out the system and don’t actually learn anything other than how to better pick their victims and not get caught the next time.
Physical abuse is a dealbreaker. It will only escalate and the longer you are with him, the more roadblocks he will set up to make sure you aren’t able to leave him. He will make sure you are completely physicially and emotionally tied to him in a way that you would rather take a beating than leave him.
Go get counseling for yourself and at the very least postpone the wedding. Divorcing a batterer can be deadly so walking away now is your best bet.
P.S. Of course he doesn’t think anything is wrong, he isn’t the one that got hit, and honestly it takes years of being exposed to violence to be a batterer. If you stay with him, he is more likely to hit you again in the future. Do you want your potential child to learn that behavior? Do you know that child services can take your child away from you and put them into foster care if he hits you in front of your child? being with a batterer is too risky. Get out while you still can. I promise you, good guys DO NOT HIT WOMEN EVER.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
This is how abuse starts. It won’t stop- he doesnt have the capacity to stop. You need to leave. Please!!!
Post # 10
@tealady: LEAVE! Anyone who thinks that putting their hands on someone else is not a big deal to seek help for is not ready to be in a relationship. Furthermore, there’s another issue of him not taking seriously the things that bother you.
Post # 11
@tealady: If he thinks hitting you and then just carrying on as though nothing happened is ok, there is nothing stopping him from thinking it’s ok next time. I don’t believe that if he hits you once he always will… I have a friend whose husband got physical with her ONCE. She took the kids and flew to her home state. He eventually moved there (so she could continue living with her family). He went to counseling as well as couples thereapy for the two of them. It took a good 2 years, but they eventually moved back together as a family and are doing great. This was only able to happen because HE was horrified at his actions and wanted help to make sure he never lost his temper that way again.
Personally, I would not have moved back in until he had at least STARTED classes. I would, at this point, tell him it is very important, I feel that the longer we go without you going to classes the less safe I feel and I’m moving out until he completes them. Have you bags packed when you say this and follow through. He’s not taking it seriously because your actions don’t say that YOU are taking it seriously. (Although, it really bothers me that it’s not important to him just because it IS…. but at the very least he should be taking it seriously because it’s important to you.)
Post # 12
Leave leave leave. It won’t stop, like PP have said.
Post # 13
@beachbride1216: +1 to everything you said. Physical abuse is a dealbreaker. Get out now.
Post # 14
First let me say I am deeply sorry you are going thru this. As a victim of physical abuse I know firsthand what you are going thru. I am a believer that anyone can make a mistake but the mere fact that he is brushing off what he did so easily AND dismissing your ultimatiums shows he does not give a flying fig newton how you feel.
I beg of you, DO NOT IGNORE THESE VERY CLEAR WARNING SIGNS.
I get that you love him, I really and truly do BUT he has shown you that he can be a monster and if you allow it, the monster will show up again and again. Please look out for yourself first and foremost because if you dont, no one else will. Your fiancee is supposed to be your BETTER HALF, your protector, your lover, your friend, your confidant and the person you are supposed to be able to trust 100% and this person obviously is not him no matter what he SAYS. He can SAY anything he wants but his ACTIONS are showing you all you need to see. PLEASE dont turn a blind eye.
If you need to hash out your feelings and want a friendly/non-judgmental ear (or eyes) please PM me. You do NOT have to go thru this alone.
Post # 15
Post # 16
Leave. He didn’t hold up his side of your agreement. I believe this shows his lack of commitment to your relationship and lack of respect to you.
You are endangering yourself by staying and it will get harder to leave. Just go.