(Closed) Have never been more depressed in my life, don't know where to turn.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Did you know what he was like before the wedding? I know what you are saying though, I sort of went through a semi depressed state in the early months of marriage … and I think its because we have in our minds all these ideals and expectations as to what newly weds should be acting and feeling like and the reality is so much different. I was reading an article that the first year of marriage is in fact the worse as reality sets in after the big day … once you two get in tune to eachothers ideas and routines etc it will get much better .. honestly, it is MUCH more better now into my marriage (we were married last september) than in the early stages, we feel much more like newly weds now … it willl get better, although I would suggest you do talk to him and let him know how what he does makes you feel. If he cares enough he will try to alter his behaviour to make u smile not cry 🙂 good luck xxx

Post # 4
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Missterybee:  If your not happy leave, go stay with your parents, and try to work on your marriage with your husband while taking yourself away from the house, find a counselor to talk too. Don’t give up on your marriage, you knew of his condition before marrying, you knew what time of income you both would currently be bringing in, this isn’t new developments with regards to you and your husbands life.

What would really bother me is that fact that your dad has offered him a 9-5 job and he won’t take it. That makes no sense.

Post # 5
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Missterybee:  My DH likely has Aspergers Syndrome. “

My dad and daughter have Aspergers and I supposedly, based on shutting myself off, feel I have familiarity with it also.  We respond different.  You’ve been married for six months.  Not judging, but how did you not experience/see this?  Granted, I love wine and honed a sense of humor to offset the fierce intensity and rain-man rhetoric I can unfurl on people.  

But, I’m curious as to why you “shut yourself off from friends/people” as Asperger types like solitude and are rarely attention-whores/needy of others’ emotional/physical presence.  You know what I mean?  You might just need to rebuild your friendships or family relations with a night or two out at the restaurant while hubs does his Asperger thing.  I don’t know, I mean, I’m only familiar with the three Aspy’s in my family and none of them held me back from external relationships/friendships/careers/hobbies. 

You say he is 28 with “no goals”.  How did your relationship begin/evolve?  How did the wedding happen?  What spousal discussions did you have pre-marriage??  All these things have to happen in some capacity.  I’m just asking.  Just feel like some info is missing here to help deduce the best advice.  

Post # 6
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

First and foremost, you should make an appointment with your doctor to get assistance with your depression.

I’ll be honest, most of the things you mention would have been evident before you married (his autism, his job, your mutual financial situation, etc). I’m a little bit curious why you would expect that any of those things would change once you were married. Did you move to your current location after the wedding? What other changes have contributed to your current state of mind?

Post # 7
Member
18 posts
Newbee

Yeah, that vicious cycle is awful… I’m wondering if you could try to find public assistance for this, like maybe some sort of ride share program or someone who can help you with your transportation issue.  It’s just so awful that you want to work and you can’t because you can’t afford insurance!!!  I’m sure that alone would drive anyone to depression!  God, I can’t imagine.  You could investigate if there is any sort of work you could do online or in your neighborhood… You have such great grammar!  Maybe you could work with a call center or something, where you wouldn’t need a car.  Maybe you could babysit at your house or tutor.  I know this wouldn’t pay a lot, but surely enough to help you sort out your transportation issue.

Post # 10
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@Missterybee:  Can you make an appointment with a doctor? If you can get on some medication to help with your mood, things will probably look clearer for you. Counselling, if you can afford it, would probably help a lot as well.

Post # 12
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

When it comes to aspergers the idea of change often terrifies the person. That’s probably why he shuts down every time you mention changing the routine. I have a close cousin with it. I love him to death, he’d give you anything and everything he could to make someone happy, he just has a different way of expressing that. I think you need to find an aspergers support group to help you both out…meanwhile if you want someone to talk to who understands aspergers quite well please don’t hesitate to pm me 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1999

I hope that you know that, though you may not have friends physically close, you do have them on here. I am not yet married, so can’t completely relate but I think many women go through a mourning when wedding-planning is over (basically when they are married). This teamed with your sorrow at your husbands way of being as well as school/money/car stuff has pushed you a wee bit too far. Like PP I would suggest going to the doctors. I know it is massively different in the US to UK (like expensive) but I do think it would do you the world of good. Over here I have several friends with moderate to severe dperession and several of them have been issued free gym-passes to combat depression rather than going on anti-d’s. Maybe you could see the no-car as a POSITIVE and see it as free gym, and somthing which may start to ease you out of the depression. I don’t have a car (and am a teacher) and am the only person who shleps lots of stuff every day too adn from school and I know I am laughed at a little but hey I have lost 7 lb since starting work and I don’t pay for the gym like they do AND I am only walking. They still feel sorry for me though lol. Yay! Pity!

 

I think money is a key issue for you and I do seriously think doing some exercize may help things. I know it sounds cookie, and maybe it’s a money-saving thing that the NHS does, but I know LOTS of people (myself included also) who have been prescribed exercise. It is somethign you can do solo without feeling guilty and, given time you may eye-contact some fellow loan-walkers and make some friends, and when you’re feeling ready for it maybe join/create a walking club in your area. I hope it doesn’t sound too happy-clappy or alt-therpay or anythign but it is somethign which has worked for several people I know. Walking to work (in mycase up a hill) in the rain or snow is not nice, however, so it’s not all fluff and rainbows.

 

On the other hand, when you get so down (as I think you are) you may not be able to see the walking as a positive, and may not be able to pull yourself out of this alone (because from what you’ve said you maytnt get the mental support from your husband that you may need. Not because he doesn’t love you – he does – it is just he is prehaps unable).

 

Please let us know how you’re going, we – however annonymous you or we are- are here for you

 

x

Post # 14
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t have much to say when it comes to your husband other than I am sorry. Other bee’s have given information and I agree that you should go see a doctor about your depression.

As for you feeling worthless, go get your licence even if you don’t have your own personal car to drive. 

If you really want to get a job is it possible to borrow some money from someone like your parents for car insurance for a bit while you are first starting your job. It is pretty common for parents to help in the begining since fresh out of college most only have student loans. For example I borrowed my parents car as well as money until I saved up enough to get my own car and be able to pay insurance.

I personally think if you were to accomplish something and make it feel like you are not a failure that you would feel at least a little better though you should probably see someone still.

Post # 15
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe you can borrow the insurance money from your parents? 

I’m not sure what the 9-5 job your step father offered your hubs,  but can you take it?  Since your doing your undergrad online your schedule is flexible.

Post # 16
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Missterybee:  He just doesn’t show it in a way that I am accustomed to.

so why would you think marriage would change that?

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