- 5 years ago
I never thought I’d be one of the anonymous posters with a sob story, but here I am. Please settle in with a nice mug of hot cocoa, or whatever suits your fancy, because this is going to be a whopper.
I have been married for six months. Two days after my wedding, I embarked down a seemingly endless path of depression. I have never in my life felt this much despair. Isn’t this supposed to be a happy time? Well, it’s not. I don’t even know where to begin, so this might jump around, as my thoughts are hard to organize.
My DH likely has Aspergers Syndrome. Long story short, this means that he is 100% unavailable to me on an emotional level. Throughout our relationship, there have been no sweet-nothings, no professions of love. I know he loves me. He just doesn’t show it in a way that I am accustomed to. He does not tell me he loves me unless prompted, as any display of affection makes him greatly uncomfortable. I thought I could work through this and I did while we were dating and engaged. But, since the wedding, I’ve been so unfathomably depressed and I just need someone. I need a shoulder to lean on and DH does not know how to be that. He doesn’t understand. When I do try to discuss my feelings with him, he clams up or he undermines me. I have to constantly remind him to do things that a 28-year-old man should know to do on his own. Most days, I feel like I’ve adopted a child moreseo than taken a husband.
We fight all.of.the.time. We never had a single argument before marriage. Usually we fight because DH is just purely inconsiderate of me. He will take off to go hang out with people in the morning, I’ll wake up and he’ll be gone with no word. He will use our last dime on gas money to go visit his friends. Then, simply does not understand why I am upset. I recently found out that he was lying to me about something big, not cheating, but big in my book. Because of this, I have zero trust. I am constantly questioning him and I do not want to live this way anymore. I told him that once my trust was broken, it may not ever return. He chose to violate it anyway.
We are dirt poor. I am a student and DH works in construction so there’s not always work available for him. He literally has not worked since before Christmas and we’ve got bills piled up. I am so hard trying to find a job so I can contribute, but even when I do, we are never going to be more than paycheck-to-paycheck people if DH doesn’t get another job. He refuses to. It’s like he has no goals or aspirations. He doesn’t care about being poor forever. I’ve been poor my whole life, and have always aspired to make something more of myself. My stepfather offered DH a steady 9-5, making way more than he does now. But, he won’t take it.
I am embarrassed of myself. I am 23 years old and I do not have a driver’s license. In some areas of the world, even some places in this country, not having your license is no big deal. Where I am from, it is a component of success. People look down on me for it. I look down on myself because it is my biggest hinderance in finding work. We simply cannot afford insurance for me until I have a job. Which puts me in a vicious cycle. I can’t drive because I can’t afford insurance and I can’t afford insurance because I have no way to get to a job on a daily basis. We live out in the middle of nowhere, so there is no place for me to walk to and no public transit. So, I am stuck in this house most of the time, hating myself. Humiliated.
I don’t have any friends because I’ve shut myself off from them, since I am ashamed of my situation. I barely get to spend time with my family because they’re about 45-mins away. They really don’t speak to me much on the phone or anything, either. DH’s family is a major cause of my depression, so they’re no help. This isolation is just horrendous. No one, not one single soul, IRL knows anything about this. They all think we’re blissful newlyweds with a great life.
I don’t know what on Earth to do. I am in tears right now, which I am most of the time. I had nowhere else to turn but I needed some place to let this all out. I have spent months calculating a plan that if I can find work, I will save up and leave DH. He doesn’t know anything about this, and honestly, I am not sure if that’s the right move or not. I just know I’m not happy and this is becomng detrimental to my health.