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I usually try to give something no matter what. If I didn't have a lot of money, I would probably try to give something inexpensive.
I always give a gift. But that's my "love language", to be cheesy and best-seller-self-helpy.
If I were invited to a wedding I would give a gift/money/gift card, even if I don't attend. Even during my poor grad student days, I would still give something. However, I don't expect people to give us gifts for our wedding.
I have attended several weddings where I didn't bring a gift. On some occasions, I brought a card but most of time I didn't bring a gift because I couldn't afford one at the time. If I can afford it, I will do my best to buy a gift. Otherwise, I will just send a card.
One wedding that I went to right after college I was unable to afford a gift so I just gave them a card. I spent about $400 just getting to their wedding...so I just gave them a nice card wishing them well. Other than that every wedding I have given gifts!
@Ms.Teddy: That same reasoning is why our PhD-pursuing friends give cards when they attend. They're out in NM, whereas the rest of us are primarily in Pittsburgh or DC. They end up spending way more to attend than almost everyone else in our social circle. And like I said, we would have much rather had them and a card than no them and a gift.
@redherring: Only once did I not give a gift, only a card, and it was a wedding that involved flights, rental car, lodging, etc. I apologized to the bride and she was so gracious and insistent I NOT get them a gift because I traveled so far, etc. I still felt guilty about it for awhile as I've given gifts for other weddings I traveled to. I'm the type of person who buys $100+ gifts for couples who say "no gifts" with their invitation as that's what's in my heart to do so. I haven't been to many weddings so it's only been just close friends whose weddings I get invited to. THat said, I never knew how rare that was to give a nice gift to those who say "no gifts" and I put "no gifts" on my wedding invitation as we had a lot of out of town guests with travel costs. No way did I want them to also feel they had to spend money on a gift. However. I didn't necessarily feel that way about our local guests, but there was no dignified way to say travelers no gifts please but local guests can get us such and such. So I left it as no gifts and stupid as it sounds I was shocked we got, well, almost no gifts from our 100 guests. And 1/3 gave not even a card! These are 40's-50's mid-career professional people too. It was an eyeopener how much I had projected my sense of etiquette on others and I'm still recovering from the shock! I read the other posts about some think an empty card is redundant if you're going to a wedding - I don't, but that's me. I would have really appreciated an "empty" card with a heartfelt message than nothing at all. Verbal thanks are just too ephemeral especially on such a whirlwind day.
@Catbride: I see you're new around these parts - welcome to Weddingbee :) I'm also the sort of person who gives a gift, no matter what. Even for casual parties, I tend to bring some sort of host/hostess gift (unless it's someone I see all the time). It would be foreign to me to attend an event like a wedding without bringing at least a card. The couple is grateful to have you there, hence the invitation to the event. And I assume you are grateful to be there, hence a gift or a card expressing your well wishes for the couple.
There have been times where I've given a gift AFTER the wedding (i'll always make up for my procrastination by giving a more generous gift!). But I have always given a gift if I'm invited to a wedding.
I definitely think you should give SOMETHING, even if it's the $7 oil caddy from target they registered for. And if you REALLY can't afford anything, fold a piece of paper, make it into a little card by coloring a pleasant picture on the front and give all your love and wishes for the couple... They definitely understand! Many of my friends didn't give a gift for my wedding, and several didn't even give me a card and I have to say I was a little hurt because even though I understood that they couldn't really afford anything, I would have appreciated just an "I love you, wish you the best" etc..
I may have had to wait do to financial circumstances, but I always give one eventually, even if it is small.
Well my situation might be a little different. I went to a good friends wedding and didn't bring anything. I was young and had no idea about wedding etiquette..I did however give them a gift at the bridal shower. At the time money was tight and I couldn't afford two gifts, not to mention I had no idea I was supposed to give a card and money at the actual wedding. Oops:)
i live on the east coast and most of my friends/family are on the west coast, so every wedding i've been to has involved minimum of $500 in flights and accomodations alone. if i can't afford to do that AND get a gift, i don't go to the wedding. i couldn't imagine not giving a gift.
@absolutbettie: My husband is the same way. He has waited until 90% of the 364th day is done, but his gift is always there before the etiquette-dictated one year after the wedding.
@miss-spunkin: I'm right there with you. There's always a way to express, "Thanks for inviting me and I hope your marriage lasts forever", even if that's the most you can afford to do.
I always give at least a little something; often times it ends up being a gift card that the couple can definitely use.
The only time I ever attended a wedding without a gift was my cousin's wedding. I DID have a card. I had just had a baby (3 weeks before) and gotten married myself (3 months before). I played with the idea of giving her the Lenox photo album she gave me as a wedding gift, considering it was given to her originally as a shower gift. (The card was in one of the photo pages. I never mentioned it to her.) But I didn't. I just wished her well and laughed inside.
@redherring: Thank you!! Thats what I hope most couples think...that they would rather have me there without a gift then not at all and send them a gift!
I did once, to the first wedding I went to as an adult. I didn't know any better.
If I can't afford travel/lodging/etc costs AND the cost of a gift, I don't go to the wedding. I couldn't imagine EVER not giving a gift (and not just a card, an actual registry gift). And I also give a gift even if I can't attend.
And honestly, people say they'd rather have the guest's presence than a gift but I would be so uncomfortable the entire event if I attended without giving one that it just isn't an option in my mind.
Technically, yes I've doen this twice but both times I gave a shower gift and had to buy plane tickets and hotel rooms for two nights to attend the wedding. At that point I considered my presense the 'wedding present'.
I did this once but it was to a destination wedding and the couple particuarly asked us not to get them gifts due to the cost of travel and lodging. I am still thinking about sending them something as we are still in the 365 day mark and I bought them a present that requires some DIY which I have not yet completed.
Sometimes, I rather just give a gift than go. I felt slightly guilty I couldn't make it to a good friend's wedding- didn't have the vacation time, and there is no airport- I would have had to drive for 2 days to get there.... so I gave engagement/RSVP decline gift, and a wedding gift. Still spent exponentially less than if I had actually attended.
The most I didn't give was because I was a "stand-in" guest. My date bought a gift-card and signed my name along with it- it wasn't the most generous but the airfare/hotel was enough money spent.
I am ashamed to say that yes, when I was younger and in school I attended 2 family weddings where I gave nothing, not even a card. I would never do that now, no matter how broke I'm feeling--but I think back then I just had no clue (and also, honestly, no money).
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Over and over again, it's mentioned that gifts are lovely but not to be expected. Which has left me wondering - how many people attend weddings without giving anything at all? For the purposes of the poll, I've separated "card" from "gift" because I'm curious to see if there's a difference between the groups. (At our wedding, we had one couple who, had they attended, would have used the "our presence is our present" approach, combined with a card, since they are dirt poor PhD students. However, they had another engagement and were unable to attend, so they sent us a gift. I would have preferred the former.)