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What I would do is let him go alone if the funds can't support both of you attending. Not an ideal scenario, but one I think is OK under the circumstances. Best of luck to you. Things usually always work out, even if you can't see it right now.
Why is the burden entirely on you? You and your husband are a team, if you can't afford to go to a destination wedding (which is perfectly legit and not abnormal), why would they blame you? It' not your fault at all.
I couldn't go to my cousin's wedding. It was either a 12 hour drive or an expensive flight. We would have spent way over 1000 to go, and we just didn't have it at the time. I feel bad, but none of the cousins were able to go.
Don't over extend yourself to make it possible. It isn't worth it. You won't enjoy the trip & you will think about money the whole time.
@PinkPinstripes - love your name - there is a 60% chance that if my husband explains our situation to them, they will understand. I WOULD understand, because we live out of driving distance (and I'd consider a 20-24 hour drive driving distance) so any destination they pick even in the U.S. is a destination wedding for us.
But, due to family politics, there's also a good chance that they may accuse me of using money as an excuse for us not to attend. And it's absolutely NOT the case.
Is there a possibility that your husband could go alone? If we were invited to a long-distance wedding right now we'd have to say no, too, so I totally understand where you're coming from.
If paying for just your husband is out of the budget, is there any chance anyone in the family could help you out? I hate asking for $ help, but I also think it's important your hubby is there!
Have him go alone. That would cut the number in half.
I don't know what kind of job he is looking for or where you live , but is there somewhere (such as a restaurant) he could temporarily work while he looks for a job to being in extra money? You sound like you have so much stress and responsibility.
If it's completely out of reach for both of you to go, maybe he could go by himself. I know it's not ideal, but I think it's better than both of you not going.
You mentioned he's out of work right now...could he get a job (or two) anywhere? Even working retail at the mall would help out, right? Especially if you've got 6 months and the salary from that is saved specifically for this trip.
As for the gift, I wouldn't worry about that. I know opinions on the necessity of gifting vary among bees, but if it's a choice between going without a gift and not going because you won't have enough for a gift in addition to other expenses, I'm sure your DH's sibling would much rather you just come without a gift. And you can always do it after the wedding, when you've had time to save up more money.
How does your husband feel about this? He should be involved in your finances and know where you guys stand. If he isn't worried about going then neither should you.
If you do have that much time to plan, can one of you get an extra odd job (McDonalds or whatever) for the next few months? You should be able to make $2k in 6 months.
Aren't destination weddings where you pay for the guests' flight? Or am I wrong? I don't know much about destination weddings, but I think it's suppose to be where the future groom/bride is suppose to pay for the flights or the hotel..either or I think.
Yes, this is his only sibling and it would hurt if he weren't there. But you just have to explain that maybe since your budget is tough right now, that maybe he should be the only one to go, (if it's not feasible for you to go together I mean). Hope it works out for you!
No, the bride and groom do not have to pay for guest's travel arrangements for a DW.
Either have him go alone- or have him explain to his family that YOU don't make that much money, and he doesn't want you to pay for JUST him to go. Maybe his family should pay for him to go if they want him there so bad. You shouldn't make yourself sick about this.
Personally, if I were getting married, I'd make sure my brother could come. I.e. "Hey bro, we're looking at Jamaica, I love it and it would be so pretty! Do you think you guys would be able to do that? I know you just got married and probably took some time off and just had a lot of expenses..."
I love destination weddings, and for a lot of my guest list (and 6/8 bridesmaids) we're essentially a "destination" as I'm not from this state. However, I know that a lot I want to come won't be able too. Immediate Family is a different story...
I think the best scenario is that your husband get's any job possible for now. Waiter, Retail, construction, ANYTHING. If you make less than working at McDonalds, if he worked at McDonalds you'd more than double your income :-) Then, hopefully you'll have the funds to go together and you can save up some more money while he continues his job hunt. A "lower" level job will also be flexible enough for him to take time off for interviews, etc...
Other Scenario, He goes alone, and maybe see if he can stay in the hotel with his parents or share a room with some groomsmen, etc...
Either way, I think y'all need to get on the same page about finances and where you stand if not. It's probably even more crucial since your income is so small.
I feel your pain - both my hubs and I were grad students and then I graduated and couldn't find a job for a few months. Grad student stipends are rough but they're better than having to pay for school.
If I were you I'd try and figure out where the wedding is ASAP, though I know it's not your decision. Sign up for every possible travel website, there are always travel flight deals. If worse comes to worse fly into an airport three hours away and rent a car for the weekend if it'll be cheaper. Ask his parents if you can share a hotel room with them (a bit awk but better than missing the wedding - lots of our friends shared hotel rooms at our wedding to cut down the cost). Or try couchsurfing.com, I've done it traveling in another country and so have a lot of friends and it's worked out, but be careful Also, take a raincheck on the gift till your hub finds some work, I can't imagine a sibling not understanding that.
My brother won't come to my wedding and I'm pretty upset about it, but if it was about money I would completely understand. (my brother won't come because of work obligations...and yeah our wedding is over a year from now...)
If you are completely 100% honest with the rest of the family, they would understand.
I don't understand why his family would blame you? You aren't making the big bucks (yet!) and he's not working...they should totally understand! Can he go alone? So sorry!
So, this might be completely out of the question, b/c I don't know the family situation, but would you be able to ask his parents to borrow the money to help you both attend? Then you could slowly pay them back? If it's just not possible, sorry for suggesting, but wanted to see if there were other options.
Hmm...it sounds to me like you are having to deal with a number of difficult things as far as your BIL's wedding.
1) I completely agree with KLP2010 - if they are considering having a DW, the first thing they should do is to see if the people closest to them can come.
2) You are obviously stressed about it - but I echo others that are asking how your husband feels. Is he concerned? This is his family, and he needs to be the one dealing with them, not just you alone trying to explain your financial situation.
3) Weddings are family affairs and, worst case scenario, sending hubby on his own would probably be best. Better to have a weekend apart than deal with future grief from ILs.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
I have not been financially unable to attend yet, but I know one of my friends is going through this now with my wedding. My wedding is at the end of September, and most of my friends are moving in August/Sept to start new jobs when we're done with the bar exam. So, this particular friend is moving to Colorado in Sept. And she feels so terrible for possibly not being able to come back east for the wedding. I feel so bad that she's so burdened by this!
I keep assuring her (genuinely!) that she needs to do what is best for her and her wallet. As much as I'd love to have her as a guest, I don't want her to stress out or go broke to come! She updates me every day about the situation (we're in class together everyday), and I feel so bad (and I'm getting stressed for her!).
Hello Bees, and thank you so much for your comments.
My husband has issued a "husband decree" that we are not going to stress about this and that if we do not have the money to attend he will personally explain to his family that it was simply not possible.
I explained to him that I stress because I am trying my DARNDEST to budget for the 6 months we have left in order to make traveling to this wedding possible. So, "not worrying about it now" as he suggested makes me nervous, because that gives me less time to plan.
In his mind, it is not worth the stress and effort. And, when I ran numbers by him, he also suggested that it wasn't worth the extreme budget sacrifices. And he wishes he could find work so that all this would be moot. And lastly, sadly, he suggested that he wish he didn't have this sibling so that this stress wouldn't come up.
See, his sibling and I had a falling out a few years ago and I am trying EVERYTHING I can to make it right and that includes not failing the family on this one issue. I do NOT want to be caught in the position of being the reason he couldn't make it. The blame will fall squarely on me.
I don't know how I would feel about borrowing money or taking money from his family to attend. I KNOW they would try to give us the money for my husband to attend, but... my pride wouldn't let me accept it for myself. I would give them a million deserved thank yous, but it would still be a No, thank you.
So, I just have no idea. I am trying hard to figure out where exactly this wedding will be so that I can plan a bit better. But, it's as stressful as could be because I'm between a rock and a hard place.
Finally, sending him on his own as many of you suggested is incredibly logical and would help the finances. The ONLY thing that makes me nervous is that we JUST got married ourselves and it would make me sad to not be there as a "team."
You shouldn't feel like losing your pride if you accept money from his family to go to his sister's destination wedding. I think that would be a really great gesture from them, and a great gesture deserves a gratious acceptance.
Maybe you can think of this another way. Save up what you can now, and if it ends up being a destination wedding you can accept a little assistance from his family to make up the rest. If it ends up being a US wedding then you have some extra money lying around to buy yourself something nice!
He needs to tell his sister that he cannot afford to attend these kinds of weddings. If she doesn't care if he is there and he doesn't care if he is there then it's not up to you to worry about it.
It seems like you're placing the way you would feel about not attending a siblings wedding on your husband. Not all families are close. Sometimes a marriage makes them closer, but not always.
Don't go into to debt for him to go and don't neglect paying other things for him to go. If you can't say to someone, "I"m sorry but we can't afford to go" then you aren't that close anyway.
If you must send him, send only him. Hold off on the gift, you have a year to give them something.
If they offer the money for both of you to attend (or half of what it would cost for both of you, i.e. his portion so you only have to pay for yours) then I think you should graciously accept it. If you say finances are the reason you can't attend, and they offer to fix that problem and you refuse, then it will look like you just don't want to go and it's not about finances at all. I understand the pride thing but from your posts it sounds like maintaining this relationship should be more important than pride.
I think your husband is right in that it's not worth worrying about yet because they haven't even decided on a venue or location. When they decide, that's when you look at your budget and see what you can afford. Don't worry about it just yet, it's not worth the stress, they might decide to put it off another year or go somewhere different so just try to be patient. You also don't know when your hubby will be successful at the job search, so that's another reason to be patient :)
And finally, I know some people are really against debt and credit cards and whatever but...I would totally go into debt to be at my sister's wedding. I will be spending the next 6 months paying off a credit card debt because I went to a friend's wedding on the other side of the world. Sucky? Sure. Totally worth it? Sure :)
i have declined many a wedding of both friends AND family because i simply couldnt afford to go.
when you cant afford it you cant afford it. and unless the B&G or family or something is willing to pay for your expenses, they really cant fault you for it.
I think your new hubby has the right outlook on this. if hes not stressing over it then maybe you should take his lead, after all its his family right? I really dont see how they would blame you for that since you are the one actually working to support both of yall right now right?
let him deal with the drama IF it happens. but dont worry yourself crazy over this. either you will have the money when the time comes or you wont. no one can fault you for that.
I just wanted to say thanks very much to all of you for replying. As you all suggested, I am doing my best not to worry so much about all this. I am going to do my best to save, but I won't starve us either in order to make it to this wedding. Unfortunately, I don't think I can reconcile sending just him alone with my principles, so I can only hope I'm not found in that position.
Until then, I'm going to try very hard not to obsess about this.
Maybe I missed it, but is there a reason your husband can't get a part time job to add to your savings? I'm sure he's looking for something that would advance his career, but in the meantime a job in retail or food service could add a lot of padding to your budget. $2000 over 6 months = $300 a month, and if he takes home even $5 an hour (after taxes and all that), he'd need to work less than 70 hours a month to make that work. That should leave plenty of time for him to continue with his real job search. Is he open to that?
The other thing is that maybe he's telling you not to worry about it because he doesn't really want to go. Saying he wishes he didn't even have this sibling doesn't sound like somebody who's super excited about the wedding, even if going wasn't a hardship. You should find out if that's the case, because as much as you want him to get along with his family, if he doesn't then it's important to support him in that, too.
@mountain.bride: I too would go into debt to attend a wedding of a family member or someone else I was super close too. I'd rather be in debt for that than a big screen tv or something! I'd love to always be free of cc debt but in this day and age it's hard to do!
We had to turn down an invite to a DW because we couldn't afford it and my fiance was supposed to be Best Man. It was so badly planned and outrageously expensive that we weren't the only ones and we didn't feel that guilty in the end.
A sibling is slightly different. I would explain the situation to bride and groom - perhaps they could help out with travel/accomdation costs. They must understand the difficult situation you put guests in when lots of travelling is needed. Could his parents help out at all? Grandparents? I know it feels awful to ask but people might not appreciate/know the difficulties you're having unless you speak up.
@coconutmellie: I think there are three options that will work out in the worst case scenario:
1) You send FI alone. Not fun, but I really think it is better than nothing.
2) You ask for or accept a loan. FI's family is your family now, and I honestly think pride has no place with family. And I see no reason for shame in accepting money to attend a super important family event.
3) FI takes on a part-time job to save for the event. I don't know the numbers, but I imagine that waiting tables on the weekends or bartending a few nights a week will get you guys there. And a service job like that won't get in the way of FI looking for something more permanent.
Thank you very much for all your support and imput, bees! Since all I can do is wait until the date gets closer (and the couple makes decisions) to plan things, I can only ramble a little.
Many of you suggested that my husband take a part time job, and it's excellent advice. He's no longer looking for that "dream job" but for what he might be able to find and the only trouble with retail or food service is that they've told him many times that he is over qualiified and would be bored. :/ Seems like you can't win!
So, that's underway.
In the meantime, I'm mostly preoccupied with trying to manage our newlywed finances with only one income. I've been trying to put away money, but it's a choice between put money away towards their wedding and put money towards our debt, and the second one is more responsible.
Everything would be different if we were close with the couple getting married, but the situation is as above. And, as someone mentioned above, I did find that I was projecting on my husband a little, thinking that he was dying to attend. It's a common thread in my life these days - I assume that he cares more about things than he actually does. :)
He spoke with his family, but they talk in "riddles" as far as I'm concerned, so I don't really know what point got across to his family regarding our ability to go.
And in terms of accepting money from his family to attend, unfortunately, I absolutely couldn't do it. I know, I know, I know..... but I just can't. I wasn't raised that way (not right or wrong, just that way) and it's just one of those things that is not correct in my view. I would absolutely allow my husband to accept whatever charity he wanted from his family, but not me.
Unfortunately, that makes me a bit unreasonable, because it would crush my feelings for my husband to show up at a family function ALONE without his new bride. We just got married and we're trying to put up a united front in what is not really friendly territory.
If you can't afford it -- you don't go and send a small gift. That is acceptable in any etiquette book. If his family doesn't like it, then they should offer to pay for you to attend (airfare, etc.)
Wait -- I didn't realize it was a sibling!!!! Yikes!! Now I don't know what to say.
Here's a little update:
- The venue keeps changing, but it never gets any cheaper for us.
- What's crushing my heart even more is that now there's another event that would require our travel that they are planning and it's THREE WEEKS AWAY. We absolutely do not have the money to travel to this one, but I still bear the whole burden myself and it makes me feel like crap.
I have never experienced this - where I am constantly invited by the more wealthy to events we couldn't attend. Do they do it on purpose? Maybe they just don't realize, but how could they not?!
- We are selling everything we can lay our hands on to try to save up money, but with a big medical bill that I got in the mail this morning, it just won't happen.
bottom line is, if u cant afford for both of u to go then either one person should go alone or both stay home. there is no need going to a "happy" even and being upset/grumpy/moody because u cant afford to be there. politely explain that you cant get time off work or somthing like that
We couldn't afford to go to my brother's so I went by myself. It wasn't ideal but better than nothing and, you're right, as a sibling he needs to be there if possible. Could his parents lend you money for travel?
Are you simply trying to go to this wedding because it's "the right thing to do" or are you genuinely looking forward to attending his sibling's nuptials?
The reason I ask this, and I may just be missing something, is because it seems to me that you are unwilling to do "whatever it takes" to attend, be it getting another job, or accepting a loan from your in-laws. To me, this seems to be more than just a money issue. Sometimes, even though we don't want to...we have to swallow our pride and accept help from others. It's okay!! :)
Also, I wanted to comment on " I have never experienced this - where I am constantly invited by the more wealthy to events we couldn't attend. Do they do it on purpose? Maybe they just don't realize, but how could they not?"
I am a bit more wealthy than most of the people I am friends with, and even some of my family, but I ALWAYS invite them to whatever vacation or outing or even we do.
I'm not clear if you think people invite you because they know you'll be unable to attend and want to rub it in your face... and if so, I think you might be overthinking things a bit. --We invite our friends and family, weathly and not so wealthy, because we want to be around them and spend our lives with them. Period.
I hope this didn't come across too harsh-- my policy is honesty and not just saying what people want to hear.
Either way, I hope you work it all out--for both yours, your in-laws, and your husband's sake.
:)
@allee2388 - Although you certainly have good intentions in inviting those you care about (as I'm sure these relatives have with us), the end result is often discomfort, pain and disappointment for those who can't attend due to finances. (Here I'm speaking about myself, not your relatives and friends necessarily.)
It's a carrot dangled just out of reach and very frustrating, because your good company and fun activities would certainly be welcome. But, it comes down to money, and in the case of this family we are feeling very left out as a result. They have the means to plan things that are extravagant and I don't feel they do it on purpose, but by the same token they certainly haven't stopped to think that perhaps it's out of our means and that something more modest might allow us to be included.
Maybe here's what's missing from the equation: the guilt trips they send us on as a result. We can't make it because what they planned is too expensive, and even though this should be clear to them they still make comments that make us feel like people of LESSER STANDING.
With regards to the wedding, no offer of loans has been made as of yet, and we'll have to cross that bridge when it comes. But, from the talk, I get the feeling that the family throwing the wedding doesn't have enough money to throw it really, let alone lend us money to get there. It feels like their budget is very tight as it is.
My parents will not lend us any money.
And as I mentioned, we're selling our things on craigslist, taking up odd jobs and doing what we can but it's slow going. If I slash my food budget any farther to make room for savings, we're going to be malnourished. And even then we may not save up enough.
I feel completely stuck because nothing we seem to do makes a dent, and as the date approaches the possibility that neither of us can attend becomes more real, and I fear their scorn more and more. This is a rift that might NEVER be mended, but short of selling our CAR there's nothing I feel we can do more.
P.S. - I informed his family as nicely as possible that the likelihood that we will be able to attend the latest function is slim, and I tried to offer some possible alternatives that we could manage. I don't know what the reception will be to the news.
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Hello wonderful bees,
We're coming off of our beautiful wedding in April and despite the best-laid plans we are currently a one income home. A one graduate student income home. The numbers don't lie: I'd make more if I worked at McDonalds.
An only sibling of my husband's got engaged to be married a month after our wedding and they are getting married in 6 months - not much time to plan! My FIL taught me to "Plan for the worst and hope for the best," so I am going under the assumption that I'll have to pay for our travel to the wedding and our accomodations and the gift and ALL of that.
Currently, six months out, tickets for the two of us, plus accomodation money and a gift, would cost around 2,000 to their Plan B venue choice here in the US. Their plan A is a destination wedding outside the US and we're not sure when final decisions will be made.
Honestly, I calculated how much I'd have to save from each month's pay to meet that amount and the money is just NOT THERE. It's tearing me to bits and breaking my heart because I want my husband to be with his family on this special day and I desperately don't want to be the reason that he can't make it. This is all worst case scenario: the scenario where he still hasn't found work.
His family won't be thrilled with me at all. It's really stressing me out because I don't want to show my husband that I'm stressed and bothered by this but where will the money come from?! This is his ONLY sibling - you can't miss these events!
What can I possibly do? I'm totally emotional and lost.