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I was informed by facebook earlier today that a friend of mine has called off his wedding. The reason? He had been seeing another girl in secret for the past few months (he had been with his fiancee for almost two years). He has chosen to be with this other girl instead.
It got me thinking... have you ever been the "other woman"? How did it turn out? Are you still with the guy, or did he go on to cheat again?
(No judgement on my part, I'm just curious.)
No, but a friend of mine has and she didnt know that she was! As soon as she found out she dumped his ass!
I would NEVER knowingly be the other woman, but I know people who have been and it makes me think differently of them unfortunately.
I was the other woman emotionally. His ex was a horrible person who cheated on him constantly and stole prescription drugs. He let it go on WAY too long because he felt he didn't deserve better. How did it turn out? We'll be married this year.
i should 1st say, i was NOT 'the other girl' in the sense that FI was cheating on a SO with me. i was certainly treated like the 'home wrecker' she thought i was! FI & i were friends, even before they met. his ex was convinced we were more than friends and made things pretty miserable for me & for the two of them in their relationship. she made him an ultimatum stating he was to have nothing to do with me anymore or they were over (she was a VERY jealous & controlling person). he didn't tolerate that well, so they broke up. in hindsight, we've always had a close bond & i can understand her jealously over it- but not to the point she took it to. luckily for me, FI & i still have a solid bond & a wonderful relationship based in our original friendship. i've never felt jealous or worried about his bonds with anyone else. maybe not what you were looking for- i just wanted to put it out there that sometimes people view someone as 'the other woman', thinking they know about things and behaving accordingly, when in reality people often know less than they think.
I was the other woman with my SO. We had known each other and gone on a few dates junior year of college before he got together with his ex. While they were dating, we occasionally talked, but not often. Right at the end of the year, we ran into each other again and hung out a few times before we left for home. We were both coming back to campus for the summer, and once we got back we were spending a lot of time together. Within a week, we ended up making out, and I told him he needed to make a decision about who he wanted to be with. He chose me, and we've been together over 3 and a half years. They had been together for about four months and weren't very serious. I don't mean that as an excuse, but just background on how it happened for us.
ive been on the receiving end of what its like to have another woman in the relationship and it was demoralising to my soul - i would never put another person through that
@eloping: same here. I wouldnt/couldnt ever do that because I know how much it hurt me
I was the other woman (girl) with DH.. I was 15 at the time and he had been dating his GF since they were 13. Obviously at that age it was nothing serious as I was so young but I still look back on it with regret.
DH and I are blissfully happy and he is 100% loyal, however neither of us are proud of how we started.
DH emotionally cheated on me with another woman from his job last year. Since nothing physical happened we stayed together. She got fired from her job for other reasons and him and I still have issues when it comes to him going in super early or staying super late. We're working through it and I'd never do that to anyone else.
As a note, I've been on the other end of it too, and understand how devastating it can be to find out someone you love has been lying and breaking your trust by seeing someone behind your back. In the situation I was in with SO, I wouldn't have kissed him while he was still dating her if I could go back and change it, but I wouldn't do anything else differently. I really do believe that sometimes you meet the right person when you're still with the wrong person - it may be a little messy, but you have to do what's right for you.
Totally agree! We knew immediately that we had found eachother. Although he never once touched me while they were together, it was really just a waiting game until he could work himself up to do what he should have long ago. His family and friends still bring up how they can't believe he stayed with her for so long after everything she did. He is 100% loyal, we just happened to meet at a funny time in our lives.
I've never been "the other woman" and have been cheated on by more than one significant other. I will say though that I had a very close friend who started seeing a guy that was in a serious relationship. THe gf found out and there was a good 3 month period where he was "choosing" between the two girls (basically being with both of them and they were all constantly arguing). He ended up choosing my friend, but they broke up a few years later. He didn't cheat on her that I know of, but I can vouch that my friend says that those three months and the few before were the worst of her life. I don't think its worth it.
I haven't (thank God!), but a close friend of mine was. Except... she didn't know it until 2 years into the relationship. The guy was a really good con, what can I say. He had been dating another woman for SIX YEARS and both women were clueless. She broke it off immediately and told the other girlfriend what was going on. What a total creepster....
I was once, but I had no idea I was the other woman until I'd ended the relationship for something unrelated. He added me to Facebook, and I discovered he'd started dating me a week after he got married... I still feel bad, and I don't speak to him anymore.
Unfortunately, I was knowingly the other woman. But I was only 18. We worked together and flirted endlessly whenever we saw each other. I knew he had a GF but hey, he was flirting back. He lived near the college I was going to so during my break (I had like a 3 hour break between classes) I would go hang out at his apartment if he was home. Then one day his GF stopped by, saw me there and stormed off. And that was the end of it, sort of. We stopped hanging out but still flirted at work. It should be noted that 8 years later they are still together and have a son. So I guess I didn't do too much damage to their relationship...
When I was 15, I kissed by best friend's boyfriend when I thought they were broken up (my first kiss too, which was kind of ruined after finding out). Apparently not, funny enough she's still a very good friend and he's not. Since then, I'd never be "the other woman" not that I wanted to be in the first place.
EDIT: Clearly not in the same category, just a lesson as a teen.
Many years ago, during my younger (and dumber) days. I'd never do it again.
I was- not to steal someone else's man, but to have fun without commitment. As someone who has been cheated on- I know what I did was bad juju all around. Fun while it lasted but not worth the possible consequences.
I was sorta (not really) the other woman. My husband was friends with this girl we went to college with. I guess she really liked him (he had no idea and wasn't interested)- before he met me they hung out a lot- nothing romantic. She felt like I was the other woman, it was more of a "he's just not into you like that.." thing. Closest I will ever get to other woman status. I believe in karma.
I was just telling FI this last night! When I was 14 or 15, some friends of my parents came over & brought their son who was a year older than me. First time I had met him, and he got my # and AOL screen name (back when everyone had AOL, or at least AIM!). He had a g/f, but he became obsessed with me. Called minimum 6 times a day & would call back 10 mins after I said I was leaving to go to practice or dance class just to make sure I was actually gone. He asked me one day online if I wanted to be "secret online boyfriend and girlfriend." What a loser. Thankfully I was smart enough even at 14 to realize what a creepster he was.
Also had a coworker my junior & senior year of high school who was in his mid 20s, married, and had a baby the beginning of my senior year (04). He & his wife have a pretty rocky relationship & I think he just married her because they had a good friendship and she put up with all his bullshit, not because he actually loved her. He was ALWAYS flirting with me at work & had little nicknames for me.. I did like him & enjoyed the attention (I was young & stupid, still in high school), but I never initiated anything, just kind of took the flirting without really doing anything back, but never asked him to stop the flirting, either... I figured it was harmless, we never hung out outside of work or anything so I didn't think it was anything to be concerned about (again, young & naive!)
But it came to the point where he wanted to cheat on his wife with me.. not even necessarily sleep with me, but wanted to hook up in some way. When it had reached that point & gone past just his flirtiness, that was it for me. I was not about to be a homewrecker, especially at 18 (not that its okay at any age!), so I made the effort to talk to him as little as possible at work after that. Luckily he ended up finding another job & transferred elsewhere a couple months after that, which made it easier to kill contact with him. I would never knowingly be "the other woman" though & know better now than to think a married man's constant flirtations are just harmless! (as in, not just an outgoing bubbly personality that can be mistaken for flirting.. flirting that cannot be mistaken for anything else is what I'm talking about!)
I have NEVER been the other woman and never will be. I have a pretty solid sense of morality/values and i never cared what the circumstances a married man was in (almost all of them give sob stories and tell women that their wives are horrible B*tch in other to get into another woman's skirt) that would make me act otherwise.
I have seen enough marriages and relationships destroyed by "the other woman" that i could never see myself causing that level of pain to anyone, especially a family where kids are involved.
Sorry but i see mistresses as selfish, heartless ego-tistical women who feel that the world needs to revolve around them and their needs. To ease their ocassional guilt, they tend to go along with the man portraying his wife as some horrible monster that is sucking the life out of her husband. When common sense will tell you that if this was the case, hubby would have been looooong gone- either separated (if he couldn't afford a divorce) or divorced.
What mistresses often don't realize is that the wife is often clueless as to any problems in the relationship and she may even think everything in her relationship is great and then one day gets sideswiped by the knowledge that her husband is having an affair. First there's complete Shock and Confusion becaue while she's is at home busting her butt taking care of her husband and family--he's at a bar giving another woman a lying sob story about how horrible his wife or his life is just so he can get "some" from someone else.
What mistresses also don't realize that what goes around comes around. Call it Karma, payback etc. if he cheated on his wife he will most certainly cheat on the mistress if she becomes his wife.
Marriages that start with cheating, lying and deceiving NEVER end well. EVER. So a mistress may believe that she "finally got her man" but i can almost guarantee that it wont end well.
I've even had "former" male friends that cheated on wives and then broke up with the mistress soon after divorce or a few years into marriage with mistress due to lack of respect and TRUST issues. If the mistress is willling to go along so readily with the cheating what would make him think that she wont cheat on him?
Sadly i've seen enough marriages that could have been saved if the mistress wasn't in the picture and enough men come to regret "fooling around" and thus destroying their marriages.
So for those of you who were the "other woman"and are now married to your "conquests" all i can say is-- My condolences on your upcoming divorce.
I was the other women once But i didnt know he was with anyone else and ended it as soon as I found out. I have been cheated on and would never put someone threw that on purpose.
@Neutrina: Wow... all I can say it wow... I understand where you are coming from. but wishing divorce on women whose relationships started with an SO who was not single is ridiculous, rude and uncalled for.
I was "the other woman" for 1 date. He was honest that he was technically in a relationship, but he said he had no feelings for her and becasue they saw little of each other he hadn't had the opportunity to end it face to face (and he didn't want to be a dick); they'd only been together a couple of months. I refused to see him again, because I didn't want to be the other woman. He left her the next day.
@Neutrina: You are perfectly entitled to your opinion, but I think you'll agree that the phrase "My condolences on your upcoming divorce." is too far.
@Neutrina: I have never been the other woman, but I still found your post offensive. You are completely entitled to your opinion, but you can't truly say that "Marriages that start with cheating, lying and deceiving NEVER end well. EVER" because you can't possibly know every situation and your hurtful comments are an uninformed generalization. And your final comment about condolences on their divorce is so rude.
I'm sorry if you've been in a situation where there was another woman, but you don't know the details of every situation EVER and I think some of your comments were so unnecessary.
@Neutrina: I take it you have been cheated on then, I am sorry it has made you so bitter and resentful, I hope you get over it one day!
I also assume that this solid sence of morality and values you mentioned doesn't extend to not wishing misfortune on others?
No, but a friend of mine has and she didnt know that she was! As soon as she found out she dumped his ass!
This is kind of what happened to me. I was in a relationship with this guy about 15 years ago and had NO CLUE whatsoever that he had a girlfriend. NO CLUE! One of his co-workers took pity on me and spilled the beans -- well in all honesty, the co-worker had a crush on me so he did have ulterior motives.
I was devastated and also felt ashamed for having been so naive. I wish I could say that I had "dumped his ass" immediately like your friend did, but at that point I was so wrapped up and tangled in the relationship that I couldn't let go. Not long after that, his other girlfriend came to his apartment one night and discovered me there. The drama went on for months and months as he continued to play me and his other girlfriend like a couple of fiddles. We were such idiots and it took me a while to get strong enough to give him the heave ho.
That's one lesson I'm glad to have put behind me!
I kind of feel like the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" is true in one aspect but not necessarily the other. I think that when a man or woman cheats on the person they are with that they will do it again to that person if they stay together. I dont think that it means that if they get into a new relationship with a different person that they will cheat on the new person.. but it seems to me that once someone has cheated in a relationship..they have broken the seal sort of and it makes it easier for them to do it again. I know this unfortunately because (please dont rip me apart now) I cheated on my ex-fiance years ago when I was young we were together when I was 17 to 21/22.. he was an awful person but for some reason I just didnt leave him..instead I just had relationships with others behind his back.. well honestly once I cheated on him with the first person it was so easy after that. And I dont mean I was just sleeping around..I was in actual long relationships with other guys..I cheated on him for years.. and thought nothing of it.. I actually feel bad about doing tht to the other guys because they didnt know that I lived this other life.. however my fiance now.and everyone I dated for the past 10 years I havent ever cheated on and wouldnt even consider it..its a horrible thing to do..I know that.. but if I was to ever (and thats just for sake of conversation becuase it wouldnt happen ever in a million years) be back with that guy.. i would probably have no respect for the relationship and who kows what i would do.. that I explain it to my friends is that its like having an old beat up car.. yu beat on it.. you eat in it..spill stuff.. you dont wash it.. you leave it a mess. you drive it like a crazy person.. and you could car less.. then suddenly you win a mercedes.. now you have this mercedes you treat it like gold you wash it every day you dont let anyone eat or drink in it.. you treat it like its worth.. say that mercedes has to go into the shop and you have to drive that beater car around for the day.. you'll probably treat the junk car just like you always had because thats how your relationship with that car is. May not make sense to all of you but it makes sense to me lol
I have been in both places. With the same guy. I was engaged at 17. When I first met him he was dating someone else and I told him I wouldn't date him while he was with someone else. Well he had to dump her because we went to the same school. He asked me to marry him a few months later and of course I said yes. Well for a period of time I was unable to go see him. I did not have a license or car and he had no car. So he started spending time with other people one of which was his best friend, his best friend's girlfriend, and her best friend. Well I won't get into details but he cheated on me with her and I was so into him I couldn;t let him go. So he was seeing both of us. he even gave her my ring (a long story). I ended up having to leave the state because I jsut couldn;t say no to him. His favorite line was "If you love me....". Well on our year anniversary he called me to say he slept with a different girl and it was over with the other one and please come back blah blah blah. Well when I did come back we had plans to get back together. Until I found out the new girl was pregnant and they were about to get married, talk about a shock.
I found out later he had cheated on me with 9 different people. I ended up moving on with my life and then about a year later we were chatting online one night. He came up and we slept together. I realized then and there that I was over him and if we had married he would have never been faithful. That is the one and only time I have ever been in that situation and I have steered clear of anything like that.
I was the "other woman" in the sense that I dated a married man. He was separated from his wife, they lived in different towns. They just weren't divorced. It ended because it wasn't meant to be. He got back together with her, and life went on.
I've been cheated on, and it's horrible. I wouldn't ever willingly do that to someone.
Just want to briefly add my .02 to the "upcoming divorce" thing... my dad carried on an affair for five years before finally divorcing my mom and marrying my stepmom. They remained married until his death. Happily, loyally, devotedly married... There are way more circumstances and emotions involved in relationships than we can ever assume, and being the other woman or the one cheating doesn't automatically guarantee a karmic fail.
I was the other woman in a sense. We had a great friendship and he left her for me and after 2 years I learned how bad of a partner he was. I was 18, he was an older man and I got wrapped up in things. I'm so so so so grateful that nothing more (marriage or kids) ever came of our relationship.
Wow... well, I'm happy to be the dissenting voice here.
My college boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of mine. It was devastating - but you know what? That was like 9 years ago now, and they are happily married (to each other) and I'm happily engaged to someone else.
I would never EVER wish divorce on them, as much as what they did broke my heart at the time, it was for the best - they were meant to be together, and they were both just too immature at the time to handle it the right way. I don't think either of them have cheated on each other, and I certainly don't see the point of wishing or hoping for that to happen. When I found out they were engaged, sure it stung, but I sincerely wish them the best - being bitter and spiteful certainly wouldn't help anyone.
@Gingersnap: Yes but unknowingly. Its a long story - but we went on 3 or 4 dates and then I told a friend who went to the same school as he did - who checked their alumni website and found out he was married. I confronted him and he actually had the balls to say "well most of the girls Ive dated don't really care". Uhhgg...
I haven't, personally.
I have watched my father cheat on my mother, he's now married to the woman he cheated with. He's still just as miserable as he was when he was saddled down with my mother, my siblings and myself, except now he's got her two kids and one of theirs to add. She's about 10+ years younger than my parents and it seems she wanted the charmed life... her kids to have a dad, even though they are from two different men who I believe are still involved in their kids lives individually, and the new baby they had together, and the big house and the marriage to a businessman. Little did she know, it's not always greener on this side of the hill, and I don't think she's as thrilled with it as she thought she'd be. So after watching the pain both of my parents went through when they should have just had a clean break if they were unhappy, I vowed to never get to that point. If you're unhappy enough to cheat, just leave.
I also watched my ex-best friend sleep with her old high school boyfriend repeatedly... she'd dumped him and he had a grudge. So he'd date other girls and sleep around on them with her, just to keep her on his hook. i heard every stereotype ("They just don't know him like I do!") and I re-vowed never to be that girl.
I understand that sometimes it happens and it could happen to anyone - don't mean to sound judgy to the women on here who HAVE been the other woman, and especially when it works out for them. I just will never allow it to happen to me cause I've seen the pain it causes to everyone involved.
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