Have you ever cheated and not told?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I have never been in this situation, but if it was truly JUST a kiss, I’m not sure I would tell.  If it goes further than that, I think you absolutely need to be truthful and confess to your SO and give them the choice to stay and work things out or leave the relationship.

Post # 3
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I have a close friend who was in this situation. Her husband was in Iraq on tour and she kissed another man. They are still happily married with two kids. I can’t speak to all situations having not been in this myself, but sometimes stress can lead to these things. Best of luck to your friend. 

Post # 6
314 posts
Helper bee

do NOT tell! it will only hurt the relationship and make him not trust her. she needs to keep it to herself, suffer the guilt silently, and instead work on the relationship issues that led her astray to begin with. just count this as a mistake and lesson learned. don’t do it again.

Post # 8
5763 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Nikkimcq:  so you’d recommend she show this other man more consideration than her own husband?

I’m not sure if she would be better off telling her husband or keeping the secret, but I think it’s pretty bizarre that the guy she cheated with gets an apology, while the guy she cheated on gets nothing. 

Post # 10
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

as i was reading the responses, i found myself agreeing to PPs in that maybe she shouldn’t say anything. However, now that you mention it was a coworker, that could be a problem. not sure about where she works of course, but in any job i’ve worked in, people tend to be very nosy and news gets around quick. it would be very easy for someone to reach out and tell her husband if a coworker happened to be mad at her or spiteful for whatever reason. its a very tricky situation. 

Post # 11
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nikkimcq:  I think if DH did this, I’d want to know. So I think she should tell. Otherwise they’ll have this secret between them for years and years. 🙁

Post # 12
7019 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Nikkimcq:  Why should she even give the work man the time of day? He is not owed an apology, he is not owed anything. (And I bet he knew she is married too). Apologies are often just a way to gush more feelings. The way to deal with the work guy is to avoid him as much as possible, give him the cold shoulder, and only speak to him if required for work.

Post # 13
5808 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Nikkimcq:  In this situation, all she will be doing is transfering her pain to him. Telling him will not help things at all. I think maybe going to a therapist to figure out why she did this. Why did being under stress make her turn to another man? She needs to focus on her marriage and do things to strengthen that. Telling him will only open a can of worms that may never be put back in. 

Post # 15
204 posts
Helper bee

My FI and I have an agreement that if either one of us ever cheats and the situation was a one time thing that we regretted enough to not do again and it made us realize how much we loved each other and to work on our relationship issues that would’ve led us to the place where it could’ve happened we wouldn’t tell the other person. This wouldn’t apply if either of us were in love with someone else, or if it had happened multiple times, but personally I feel, and my FI agrees, that if I made a HUGE mistake but I realized and accepted it and felt truly terrible and would never repeat it then it’s not fair to tell my FI because I would never do it again and really I’d just be assuaging my conscience by telling him. So my advice, as long as this hasn’t occurred previously, she isn’t planning on it repeating the mistake, and she is planning on working on her relationship (because, disregarding serial cheaters, I truly don’t believe someone in a completely happy relationship would cheat) then she shouldn’t tell him. 

I know some PPs disagree but I feel like telling him will make her feel better but deeply hurt her husband and cause trust issues they may or may not be able to recover from.

Best of luck to her. 

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