Have you ever cut off a parent for good?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I did it with my father. Situations vary but I will let you know the jist.

I was the epitome of a Daddy’s girl. My parents were seperated before I was born but I loved my ‘Daddy’ more than anything. On his weekends I would spend the whole time attached to him – I would hold his hand everywhere – I would follow him through the house. He took us to the park, played video games with us, and we always had sooo much fun.

He had his share of wives and we got to experience more then a few evil step mothers. But we still went over and gladly looked forward to to moments we would get to spend with him. Then, as time passed we became less important to him and other things became more fun and interesting for him…

When I turned 15 a situation was introduced into my life. I told my father in no uncertain terms that I needed his help. I needed him to make sure I was not left alone. He didn’t listen – he stranded me and I was hurt very badly becuase of it.

I never went back. I was young so this decision could have been a little premature at the time but I didn’t feel safe there and I knew I couldn’t trust him to watch out for me – regardless of how little effort it would have required. I couldn’t put myself in the situation to get hurt again.

As the years passed he never called. He never apologized, he never even asked my mother about my welfare. My brother would slightly socialize with him – but nothing serious and still he never asked about me.

When I turned 20 I decided that if after 5 years – if he wasn’t able to man up and try to work on the situation then I didn’t need him in my life. He continued to make bad and then worse life choices and I ended up content with my decision. Recently, his mother, my grandmother (whom I was still in contact with) passed away – his family paid his bail so he could attend the funeral. It twas the first time I had seen him in person in 15 years and he didn’t even come over to say hi. Most people would be sad – or upset but I was barely impacted and if I was is was a slight relief.

I don’t feel bad. I don’t get upset about it. Cutting him out allows me to say ‘he is not my dad’ and I don’t have to deal with the emotional stress that he puts on everyone else who has remained in his life. I don’t need that. I don’t need to feel like I responsible for him or that his actions should impact me either emotionally or otherwise.

I guess what I am saying is that I cut him off. His drama literally goes in ear and out the other when reported. I am able to move forward in life and I don’t have to worry about him or if he will hurt me again.

I should also note that I was blessed with a stepdad at the age of six. He has been my Dad when I needed one. He taught me baseball, how to climb trees and he was my chaperone on field trips and at dances. He was there when he found about the issue when I was 15 and I decided that if my father wasn’t willing to be my Dad – then this man surely had stepped up to the plate and actually deserved the title. He will walk me down the aisle and he will hold my children when they are born. That other guy is barely a memory anymore.

Even though I have this other guy who did step up to me my ‘Dad’ – I think regardless of whether or not I had someone to (somewhat) fill that role – that I would have still continued to cut him out – and still been just as content. HE made the choices and HE has made it a point that he is not going to be responsible to be a part of my family and my life.

I am sorry you are going through this but I wanted to share my story – whether is parallels or not – I think it helps to know that you can cut out a family member if they are not willing to take up the responsibility required to fulfill their role. You don’t need to feel the stress and you don’t have to deal with the drama. Do what you feel is right – but don’t let this man be a weight on your life and on your shoulders forever. His is not your weight to bear.

Post # 4
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My father pushed me towards careers I didn’t want and constantly made a joke about my jobs totrue extended family from my early teens onwards. 

 

He continuously tried to turn me against my mum, never had anything nice to say and wanted me to be someone I’m not. 

 

I was always a sporty kid and never even slightly overweight but he wouldn’t let me eat unless I exercised to ‘earn’ it. 

 

 

 

I stopped speaking to him years ago. He has no idea I’m getting married and he won’t be a part of my children’s lives. 

 

You don’t need negative people in your life. 

 

Post # 5
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I should also add, I was blessed with a step dad when I was 18months and he is honestly the most amazing dad. I have always been treated as one of his own and I would say that helped my decision.

Post # 6
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Ive done it with my biological mother, partially from the age of 9 and definately from the age of 18. She has attempted on a few occassions to weasle her way back into things but only when it would benifit her!!!

Its hard in the begining because of all the backlash from other family memebers that you usually get but its worth is in the long run for your sanity!

 

Post # 7
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think in certain cases the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is cut a toxic parent out of your life.

My father was abusive when I was growing up.  Physically to me and my siblings and verbally to my mother.  I remember being hit, punched, beaten with a belt and kicked by him many, many times.  He terrorized a large portion of my childhood.  He never told me he loved me, only that he deeply regretted having children and couldn’t wait for the day I turned 18 so he could “kick me out.” (Even though I was a good kid, straight-A student, friendly and quiet). 

I suppose I’ve forgiven him but I have minimal contact with him now.  In my late thirties one phone conversation with him I was crying, once again, and shouted at him, “You don’t even know me!”  After I got off the phone I realized I was crying over this man, once again, and he was giving me misery I just didn’t need any more.  So, I was done.  Anything I’ve ever done for him he only criticized, never thanked me.  Would I put up with that behavior from anyone else?  No.

It’s a relief having him out of my life.

Post # 8
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I haven’t seen my father in six years. Haven’t answered a call from him in two. I am his only child (my mom is remarried and they have kids together), and at first it was hard. I felt bad “leaving” him since I was his only immediate family left.

But you know what, there’s a reason he has no one. Years of addictions, poor choices, and always dragging those around him down.

Also, I couldn’t take the constant merry-go-round of the judicial system with him. It was exhausting.

Needless to say, cutting him off was one of the best decisions I’ve made for my mental health and my happiness. I suggest you read “Toxic Parents” to help with your decision.

I’ll leave you with my mantra: “Love is thicker than blood. Just because someone is on your birth certificate does not give them the right to be ‘family'”

Post # 9
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No but I’ve been thinking about doing it to my bio mom. I haven’t had the balls to but I KNOW it would be for the better.

Post # 10
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well, my bio-father didn’t have anything to do with me after the age of 3, so he cut me out – so I didn’t get the option for that.

My mother’s second husband legally adopted me when I was 17 and I took his last name. We had a falling out about 2 years ago and I wouldn’t change a thing. He is pretty much a sociopath to the core, and does nothing positive for my life (or my half-brother’s, to be honest). Granted, it was probably easier to cut ties with someone I had known for 10 years, versus my entire life. But, it was still a struggle to have to go through that again.

My mother has since remarried and unfortunately he and I will never have the relationship she wishes we could because he came into my life too late, and I have no desire to have a “father” figure anymore. We’re cordial and we are family in the sense that you do certain things for family, but neither my husband or I felt comfortable accepting a large lump sum for our wedding because of the lack of relationship.

Post # 11
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

@BeeandBeeBride27:  “Love is thicker than blood. Just because someone is on your birth certificate does not give them the right to be ‘family'”

Amen, sister! We know we can’t choose our families, but sometimes, the way they treat us is treatment we wouldn’t put up with from anyone! Much less someone who is supposed to “love” us.

Just cause a man can get a woman pregnant (or a woman has a baby) does not make them a parent. I haven’t spoken to my dad in 20+ years. He made decisions I didn’t agree with and never cared to inquire about me. He does not (nor will he) know my kids or me. It’s his loss. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Soontobe_MrsT:  Not totally. But almost.  We moved over a thousand miles away and I only speak to them a few times a year to update them on our children’s lives.  I don’t think it needs to be some big “thing”, I just never speak to them.  They know why, though they’ll never acknowledge it.  We just have no relationship.  I don’t regret it.  I don’t miss them.  I don’t mourn some lost childhood or lost relationship with them.  I’m not angry or bitter or sad.  They just aren’t part of my life.

Post # 13
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I haven’t, but my mother is pushing me very, very close.

At this point, I’ve already set my own first boundary: I’m not telling her when BF proposes.

She and my dad were only married a short time when I was born and she took off with me. From there, she went on to become an alcoholic, who let us live in literal squalor because she was too busy drinking. She was loving to me, but not a capable parent: DUIs, 3 drunk driving accidents, and I saw her arrested multiple times.

At 11, my father got custody of me and she really went off the deep end with her drinking, and then started the drunk phone calls to my dads place. She would convince my dad to put me on the phone then start drunk crying and saying she was going to kill herself, etc.

From 11-21, she was married 4 more times, and now is on her way out of her 5th marriage…and has started drinking again.

A few weeks ago, she got angry I wouldnt drop everything I was doing and come help her unpack stuff at her new house, so she got wasted and started sending me long, guilt-laden texts in which she insulted my BF. He didnt deserve that, and since then I’ve been cutting back contact with her.

Post # 14
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Sunfire:  I think in certain cases the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is cut a toxic parent out of your life.

I agree, except I would replace the word “parent” with “person”.  I don’t distinguish between family and not-family when it comes to people I do or do not want to include in my life.  If you’re a toxic individual, the fact that we share some DNA isn’t going to help your cause.  I never liked the idea that we have to put up with some people just because they’re related to us.  By the same token, there are many people whom I consider close family even though we don’t share a drop of blood (or are even related by marriage).  

I just saw what @BeeandBeeBride27 wrote above, about love being thicker than blood. THAT is exactly what I’m trying to say.  

Remove the “dad” label and evaluate your relationship with this man like he’s just a guy you know.  Odds are, the behavior you’ve been willing to accept from a parent is something you’d never in a million years tolerate from a friend.

Post # 15
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Soontobe_MrsT:  I haven’t spoken to my biological father since I was 25, and I’m 35 now. I only spoke to him when I was 25 because I needed money. He hasn’t attempted to contact me, and if he did, I don’t know that I would respond. 

My sperm donor wasn’t much in my life once my mother remarried, but I will never forget the pain he inflicted on my life. One of the last things he told my 9 year old self was “I will always be your daddy, no one can take that from me, and no one else can ever be your dad.” While it seems sweet, it caused a rift between my stepfather and I for a couple of years. Years were I sat and waited for my ‘dad’ to come and see me when he promised, to call when he promised, to write me a letter when he promised. None of those things happened.

I should mention here that prior to the age of 9, I lived with him and his mother, and those years of my life are gone. I have no memory of them, and haven’t had memories of those younger years since about that age. My earliest memory is asking my mother when I began second grade if I had gone to kindergarten.

I will also say that my sperm donor is one of those people that should never have had children. He drinks, does drugs, is abusive, and just generally not a nice person. 

I don’t know if he knows I was married and divorced, I don’t know if he knows about both of my children. If he does, his family told him, because I didn’t. He certainly doesn’t know where I am now, or what is happening in my life, nor would I want him to. Sometimes, you have to cut people out, and I have never once regretted cutting him out of my life. He is not my father, except in a biological sense.

Good luck to you in your choice. It will be hard at first, but as time passes it will get easier. -hugs-

Post # 16
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The last time I spoke to my bio-dad was when I was 12, before that it had been 9 years fo sometimes there, most of the time not. As I got older he had moved on to other wifes, and sired other children. I know I have a half sister but I’ve only seen her once (she was a toddler). I don’t know if she even knows about me.

I was very close to sending out a notice that I was getting married, not an invite, just a “Guess what you sack of shit? Your eldest child managed to grow up and make somethign of herself, also I’m getting married to a guy who would NEVER be like you.”

Mom talked me out of it.

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