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I'm starting to clam up every time someone asks me about what my wedding will be like. For the past several months I've been sharing with some friends or friends of friends when they ask, only to hear "youre spending too much money" or "oh, typical wedding.. boring."
I have been told that if I dont have my wedding on a boat, in a barn, etc that it's just another boring wedding because it's in a banquet hall. When people ask me my per plate cost (which I will now stop telling) they criticize me on it being too much! If I were to say a low number I'm sure they would criticize too. Someone even suggested my ring has a conflict diamond because it's "too big".. it's 1 carat!! I felt horrible!
AH!
Why must people hate so much before they have even attended my wedding. Are they going to sit there the night of and criticize everything too?
Has anyone gone through this before?
I would get new friends.....It's your day, who cares what people think. I have choosen to aviod sharing as many details as possible with anyone exept my fiance and my parents (who are paying for it). Don't let people get you down!
Um, some of those questions (how much the plate costs) are way out of line for anyone to ask, unless they're paying for it. Your wedding will be fantastic, regardless if you spend $10 or $10million, because it's YOURS, and it's the day you get to pledge your love to your best friend.
I actually feel more criticized by potential vendors than anyone else for some reason. I am so sick of hearing "nobody does that" or "everyone does it this way". I don't care! Argh! At the end of the day it's your wedding, so who cares what anyone else really thinks. It does suck though when people berate your choices!
It is just unbelievably gauche that anyone would ask cost per plate or what your budget was, unless they were contributing financially to the event or looking for vendor recommendations themselves. The fact that multiple people have asked you suggests that someone in your circle of friends is making a thing out of it behind your back. If anyone is rude enough to ask you again, I would stick to "We're spending what we're able to afford, and we think it's going to be a great time." If someone is rude enough to push you (!!), then a frostier, "I'm sorry, I don't like to talk about money with friends" should do it. Your wedding is going to be awesome because it's you and the people you love. And I would think twice about dropping any of the aforementioned money on inviting haters.
Weddings have an innate ability to bring out the worst in people. I'd sweetly say, "Well, if it sounds so dull to you, of course you're under no obligation to attend!" accompanied by a patronizing smile.
Be confident in the wedding you want and don't let the haters get you down. You wedding is not a vehicle to entertain your friends, it's an opportunity for them to share in a very personal commitment you're making, and if they don't appreciate that, well then that tells you what kind of "friends" they are!
oh my goodness. you need new friends! I NEVER had anyone say ANYTHING like that!
@linguo42: Thats a good one! I love that line.
Someone told me my wedding sounded gothic. Uhh what! Im wearing ivory, have red roses and my Bms are wearing black dresses....so that sounds gothic? Um ok?
@80sbee: Believe me, honey, you're going to get this from everywhere. People will HAVE to inject little comments and you have to find a way to ignore them.
My middle sister said that I'm having an "unwedding" because it's during the day and there isn't any dancing (she got married on a yacht in Boston and promptly divorced a few years later). My eldest sister said that, for all of the lack of formality, we should just go to City Hall. SERIOUSLY? These are my sisters who I am extremely close to!
Are these friends or friends of friends single? I'm the kind of snark who would shoot back something like "it's pretty difficult to pull a wedding together to suit everyone - but I forgive you for not understanding the situation because no one's proposed to you" if they were.
@80sbee: The short answer, yes. Some people just enjoy the art of criticizing. It is what it is. Thankfully your wedding is for you and your FI and it isn't up to the peanut gallery to make the final decisions.
We are planning an amazing wedding and some of my FI's family have criticized how much we are spending (they are making assumptions we have remained very tight lipped about money). My family knows me and knows that I like the finer things so they aren't surprised at all. Does it bother me a bit? Yes. But I am going to do what I want to do and again thankfully it isn't up to them.
@80sbee: I honestly think that some people simply don't realize what or how they are saying things and that it is offensive to you. I have a similar situation with a girl at work. She had a very low key elopement ceremoony which is perfectly fine and fitting for her personality. But as far as my taste goes I am SOO excited to be planning the big wedding of my dreams, yet any time the topic comes up at work she always needs to put in her rude, "Oh I am so glad I never did that" comments. It is extremely frustrating, but at the end of the day it's not her wedding, or anyone else who seems to have an issue with it. So just be happy about your day and do what YOU want to do, who cares! They are probably just a little jealous anyways :)
GOSH!!!! HOW FREAKING RUDE. That would really piss me off....how do people find it okay to criticize someone elses ideas, especially something as important as their wedding? WTF. I'd tell them to go kick rocks. And they def sound jealous..ew
I generally don't indulge too much about what the wedidng will be like...people will always have opinions and you will never make everyone happy, unfortunately!
My grandma cringes everytime i mention something we're buying... but i've gotten over it really fast
I agree with abbie and with deathbydesign. They either sound jealous or RUDE! If someone asked me a question like that I would just say "I'm not sure, how much was it per plate at YOUR wedding?" and put them on the spot a bit.
Don't let anyone make you feel badly about your wedding. People are just people and they can be rude, hurtful and temperamental but I assure you it has NOTHING to do with your wedding and EVERYTHING to do with themselves!
gosh people can be so insensitive, they may not be aware they are doing it, my bridesmaid implied my ring was a conflict diamond i think thats pure jelousy. try not to get upset, everyone seems to want thier two pennies in when it comes to a wedding and you can never please everyone.
i agree with linguo42 advice, hopefully they will walk away feeling a little ashamed.
best advice is not to mention money at all from now on, i have a very similiar experiance my mother and MIL both believe we are spending too much money and have voiced opinions but i told them its our wedding it what we want.
i hope things start to get easier for you x
@wildcatjack: After your big day when you share details at the office with her, you can say youre so glad you never eloped.
I totally understand where youre coming from. Are these people idiots? How could you think youre NOT offending someone when you say soomething like that? I would assume she wouldnt walk up to you at work and say regarding your outfit "oh god, I would never ever wear anything like THAT!"... whats the difference when talking about a persons wedding choices? Ah!
@Ashley_B: Same! Does that make me gothic too?!
People can be so negative sometimes, like a co-worker told me that incorporating black and ivory was "so eighties". Let's just say I have not spoken about wedding details any more with her and she still asks all the time. Jealousy, rudeness, negativity? No thanks! It's MY day and MY vision. Save yours for YOUR day.
Rant complete!
This if YOUR wedding and you should be able to do whatever YOU want and spend whatever YOU want. For the most part, people that say negative comments like that are just jealous. So its best to ignore them. Besides, everyone has different taste, you can't expect everyone to like every single detail of your wedding. So do whatever makes YOU happy. Dont stress on what other people think. The people that care for you, will be there to celebrate your special day, not go critique the wedding.
I've actually had this happened to me (with my mom and a few other family members). But I've learned to stop sharing my details with other people. Everyone is going to have a different opinion on "whats nice", so it will be impossible to please everyone. So, I'm going to do whatever makes ME happy.
My father-in-law said our wedding is going to be 'weird' and asked if it would be legal since our friend is marrying us. I'm letting it roll off my back- I know him so I'm not surprised.
Are you surprised that these people are acting the way they are? I find that previous behavior tends to repeat itself, good or bad.
Regarding wedding colors, I saw a black and red wedding and thought it very classy. My cousin commented in text, "oh, black like a funeral lolz".
This cousin isn't invited to my wedding for other reasons, but she's said worse.
I've seen a black and yellow wedding (more black than yellow), the bridesmaids were in black but had yellow shoes and calla lillies as bouquets. I was astonished by how well it was pulled off because they DIY'ed it.
Some people just don't have a filter.
This past weekend Fi and I shared some details of our day with his mom's family, let's just say I didn't cry cause I'm a big girl now. They were not critizicing our wedding per se, but some of our guests, ceremony and decor choices, saying we should do this this or that way.
You know what? It's our day and we're doing it the way we want to!!
@deathbydesign: I think they sound jealous aswell. I had a friend like that, but I cut her out pretty quick.
She was so jealous and always wanted me to feel bad about how we wanted to have our wedding day.
I agree with the PPs. It's your day to do with as you like. If other people are negative, try not to let it bring you down. Day of you should be so excited/nervous/busy having fun that you won't think about any of these things.
@mireisen: Black is one of our main colors too. I have never really worried about it being funereal. . .
@Miss Longcoat: Hurray for March 31 in VA!
@80sbee: I say tell them "I hope your wedding is everything you want it to be, mine certainly is." They can shove it.
Yes, I have heard that it's not a real wedding unless we serve beef, if we have pasta we're cheap, dj's are a horrible idea, if we don't do x, y, z e are terrible awful people. on my worst days, I just want to not invite these people. but they are family so if they are not invited i will ruin the relationship forever. sigh.
so, onto plan b, only share details of the wedding that are not personal. everything else can just be a surprise until the guests show up when it will be too late for "constructive criticism"
@80sbee: I keep having this happen to me too =( I really am worried everyone will be talking bad about my wedding all night (it doesn't help theres 3 weddings before and after mine super close to my date with a lot of the same guests). It really does hurt. I am so sorry.
@HappilyEverAfter54: We're going through the same thing. :(
@eliwhit: Love the way you phrased it!
My boss turned her nose up at my wedding (I said I was not having any flowers just bulk candles, that we are only having 50 people and we dont have a live band). My FI's grandma has also made a fuss about some things (ie she doesnt want anyone wearing black, she is confused because I dont want a bridal shower and she doesnt like that I am not wearing a veil). But one person is my boss, I can easily ignore her and the other is 80 years old so it was kind of expected!... friends are different. I could never imagine a friend making those remarks! They sound jealous
Yep, it's just one of those things. My own mother (whom I have an excellent relationship with) doesn't understand why my wedding is going to cost what it is. We have the money at our disposal and aren't going to be borrowing or putting anything on credit. So I can't see the problem with it. We can go nuts with it if we wanted to, but I still have a wedding budget that I've set for myself, for each item, because I just don't want to spend more than X amount on flowers and X amount on shoes etc and if we end up spending less than what we've allocated per item, then great, we'll just put it into our savings account. So she knows I'm not going nuts with it. But she still can't see past the fact that her dress cost just $50.00 and they went to an office. That's simply what they wanted.
Im not sure what the national average is in the US etc but here in NZ the average for weddings is NZ$15000-20000. To my mum, NZ$5000 is too much. Our wedding budget is NZ$45000 and it's everything we want for the big day and it includes what we want to spend on our honeymoon. We own our own home without mortgage, have our own successful businesses etc so I don't see the harm.
The other complaint we receive is why we are engaged for so long, why don't we "just get it over with." I find that sentiment quite ridiculous, because I don't think a wedding is something you just "get on with" - instead, it's actually a day of significance. Plus the fact that I am only 23 and FI has just turned 25, it's hardly like we are pressed for time. But more importantly, the date we have picked has great significance to us - it's FI's late mothers birthday and as its a destination wedding (it's where we met), we wanted a Saturday wedding and 2013 is the next time FI's mothers birthday falls on a Saturday. That seems to shut most people up.
But of course, there's still those people who say "well, if it's so far away, why are you bothering about planning it now?" I got asked that just yesterday actually and the wedding is next year. My answer is simply: Venues and vendors book out quickly and I'm entitled to be excited about being engaged and getting married.
Well done for holding your dignity on being asked about the plate cost tho! I think I'd have lost my rag on that one!!
How much are you paying per plate? Haha, just kidding. The only people who have asked me that are my friends who are also planning. I was just thinking the other day "why are we having a wedding when no one cares and right now we hate everyone!" we don't really hate everyone but people are definitely throwing digs out left and right... And making us question why we like them lol.I think it must be lack of common sense and jealously.
We have a wedding color, just black... Not black and white. We will be having white flowers but everything else will be black. It's not gothic at all, we are having lots of candles and clear glassware, I love it but people freak out that we are not having two colors. They are like "what do you mean?"
@Missloveknot: hahaha.. I've shared my cost per late here on weddingbee and I dont mind because its not nearly as critical on here like it is out there.. plus i like to learn and see the cost difference between everyone ... its helpful that way. We can help each other out to know if we're getting enough bang for our buck.
The fact that you and many others have black is great. I happen to think it's classy. I understand how the older generation feels, but I think over time nobody will be throwing the black comments in the couples face. The only time I would happen to think its a gothic wedding is if the bride was wearing a full out black satin ballgown or something and even that wouldnt give me the right to complain.. at least I would be attending a wedding where i experienced something new.
I think to myself, how could a person witness a couple in love marrying, eat yummy food and dance the night away, complain? Sheesh.
I've had people insult my wedding b/c I didn't have it in a church, I didn't invite children, and I had the ceremony and reception in the same location. Most of these--let's call them "assholes"-- were rude old folks who were very narrow minded and only believed marriage was vaild if done in a church, and that you should only get married if you plan to have kids. Psssht.
I had a potential florist call my wedding seating arrangement "tacky". He was not hired.
I think wedding insults happen to pretty much every bride. It's unfortunate, but it's really sad for the people that have to stoop so low to insult your wedding choices. If they don't like it, they don't have to come--but who said that they'd even be invited in the first place.
We're doing a courthouse ceremony now, but before that decision, we were seriously thinking of a barn wedding. That was criticized by soo many people! So don't worry! No matter what you plan, people will ALWAYS have an opinion. :/
My cousin had a barn wedding (she and her fiance met while horseback riding so it was special to them) and oh boy was it criticized. Also in the smear campaign was her choice of date (New Years Day) the location (near her and her now husband's home out of state instead of in her childhood hometown where the rest of my cousins live and got marred) the dress code (jeans) and on and on and on. Her response was always the same: haters gonna hate, followed by a little "haters gonna hate" dance. She's my favorite cousin :P.
I think we all kind of accept that our families will always have "strong opinions" (read: bitchy comments) about our wedding day, but I'm kind of shocked that your friends are saying stuff like that. I agree with the other posters, it's time to get new friends.
Oh wow! Those are some REALLY harsh things to say to somebody! You keeping your mouth shut about the details is your best bet! People will ALWAYS have something to say whether good or bad, so I choose who I tell things and what I say to people. I have certain people that I can talk to about the guestlist but NOT about the cost, and vice versa. At the end of the day the only people that need to know EVERY single detail is your FI and your planner if you have one. Everyone else is not mandatory. I'm learning this too, lol!
I had a smiliar experience to @wildcatjack, unfortunately, this happened with one of my bridesmaids. She and her husband eloped shortly after I asked her to be a bridesmaid and from then on, every time I tried to talk to her about my wedding she had the most negative comments! Basically she considered anything other than an elopment or a small, local ceremony to be "selfish", "costly", and "pointless". She mentioned several times to me how rude it was to ask a bunch of people to fly out and spend a bunch of money and then barely spend any time with them that weekend.
In the end, she asked to step down from being a bridesmaid (she lived out of state and cost was a big factor) and will not be attending our wedding. I'm hoping we can mend our friendship one day, but honestly it just feels like our weddings emphasized how much we've grown apart since college.
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