Post # 1
I think everybody ultimately ends up inviting one or two or more people that they don’t particularly want to invite, but feel obligated to because of family and/or etiquette reasons. But have you invited a guest to your wedding against your better judgment, then regretted your decision?
My situation is that I really don’t want to invite my SO’s brother’s wife. Yes, I realize that this is a major etiquette no-no, and that it will upset people. I won’t go into too much detail, but this woman is openly rude and disrespectful to me, talks trash and expresses that we have a “sh*tty relationship.” She has borderline personality disorder, and therefore has a common tendency to have near-violent, screaming anger outbursts – which has happened at several family functions – and is a compulsive and pathological liar. Bottom line: I only want sane people at our wedding that support us. SO agrees with my point of view, but we both worry about his brother. Obviously no decisions have been made yet.
But I want to hear some of your personal stories about this issue. Or feel free to share some advice! Thank you!
Post # 3
So sorry. I personally haven’t dealt with that. Once in a while people write about a similar experience as you. So you are not alone.
While she is difficult, try to let what she does not bother you too much, since she has a serious condition. (I’m assuming you meant that literally.) As for your wedding, I can see why you wouldn’t want any drama. How does your FI feel about talking to his brother? Is his brother in position to be symapthetic to your situation? If he is understanding, perhaps he can stick up for you, and go without her. Or at least make sure she is taking her meds, so she’s stable when she goes.
If he’s not likely to be understanding, then Ithink you have to give them enough slack to allow her to go. But have FI make sure his brother knows that if she causes a scene, she will be expected to leave, escorted out, etc.
Post # 4
If your SO is on board with you – then dont invite her. Youll have to deal with the brother, but that will probably be better than the drama that could insue if she was there.
Post # 5
Weddings are triggers for BPD’s so I totally get why you don’t want her there! I’m not inviting my BPD. I also hear you that you only want people there that support you- I whole heartedly agree with that.
If you end up inviting her, make sure you assign her “keepers”, one of which could be her husband. If she acts out in any way have them escort her out, no questions asked. I would also ask your FI to talk to his brother and give him a heads up and see if your FBIL could talk to his wife and let her know that it would be nice if she was on her best behavior and if she acts out she will be escorted out for the evening.
Post # 6
WOW. That’s tough! Not sure how to get around it other than to just tell FI’s brother what you just said – you only want people there who support you! Maybe she’ll be relieved!
We left a girl off the list who is just a nut-job. She was part of one of those circles of friends that you really can’t split up. BUT her behavior on regular nights out was INSANE – falling down drunk, mooning people, getting in peoples faces etc. Not once or twice, but every single night out. She’s off the list and the entire rest of the circle understands.
Post # 7
@Tanya123: Unfortunately, his brother has started to drift off into space with her since they’ve been engaged/married. Actually, his whole family tried to talk him out of marrying her, but that’s irrelevant now. He definitely will not be cool with her not being invited. However, I do give him kudos for being a good hubby and sticking up for her, even though she’s pretty much insane. We’re considering just inviting her, under the circumstance that if she acts up she must leave, but I still just don’t want to see her face there because she’s so damn disrespectful – as pathetic as that sounds. I guess I’m just looking for this magical solution that doesn’t exist.
Post # 8
gosh you are in a tough spot! It is good to hear that everyone in the family knows and understands how crazy she is. I agree with the other posts saying to have someone as her “keeper” and that it is known that if she does act out, she will be asked to leave quietly.
This is you and your FI day and I hope she is not mean enough to try to ruin it for you!
Post # 9
I’m sorry about your situation. I feel you and understand. I have a similar one. its not a family member but one of my bm who I’ve know more than half my life is married to a guy we just don’t want at the wedding. He and FI recently had a falling out and that was jsut the last straw, we can no longer just tolerate him for her sake or for the sake of his brother who is a good friend and in our wedding party as well. I’m getting that nervous feeling in my stomach as I type this. LOL I hope it all works out for you!
Post # 10
Gosh that is a hard one. I think that you almost have to invite her to not create turmoil within the family. If she gets out of line at the wedding then ask to have her leave with the brother.
Post # 12
I think you should talk to fbil with your fiance and just let him know you are concerned that the wedding may be too much/stressful for his wife and let him know its okay if they need to bow out since past family gatherings have resulted in inappropriate outbursts. Or perhaps talk to your fiances parents about it and see if they can broker the situation. If you fsil has BPD chances are his family knows this and if she does something, you can just quietly explain so to your family. I think not inviting her will only cause more problems down the road.
Post # 13
i dont know how you can not invite the woman – she is your FI’s brother wife, your future SIL. if hubby was invited to his brothers wedding but i wasnt, i suspect all hell would break out – especially if my personality was like this womans
is your FBIL in the wedding party? maybe you can sit them strategically. does your FBIL acknowledge that his wife is a highly strung nutcase? if you exclude her from your wedding you are going to have a marriage long enemy on your hands which will might make things difficult for your hubbys parents. sometimes its better to just suck the lemon and smile than create a problem that can split a family forever
yikes – goodluck with this one!
Post # 14
i think it’ll be worse if you don’t invite her. shit will hit the fan far worse than if you do and wing it. If she gets inappropriate, you can have her removed. too bad you can’t accidentally slip her something to chill her out….=P
Post # 15
I agree, things will be much, MUCH worse if you don’t invite her. If it’s any consolation, I cannot stand SIL’s BF. They’ve been together for 3 years and live together, so I had to invite him. I barely realized he was there the whole day. Seriously, the only time I noticed him was when I did table visits. We only had 80 people, so it wasn’t a big wedding either! For the sake of family peace, invite her, have some handlers (we’d talked to close family members about potential drama situations, and they were on the lookout, ready to deal with anything that came up) and just enjoy the day.