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@cherryblossom80:Yes, I did turn down a proposal, but I was really young and not really even that into the guy. I feel kind of bad saying that, but it's the truth!
I turned down a proposal when I was 18 (maybe 19). I was not dating this person. To my knowledge, we were only good friends. I had a small suspision he "liked, liked" me, but I had no idea he had set his hat for me!
I didn't, but I easily could have been in that situation... When I broke things off with my ex, there were some serious hints flying (mostly from his family) that he was getting ready to propose. I'm glad I ended things when I did b/c it would have been a lot messier to break off an engagement, and he really *really* wasn't the right guy for me.
Unfortunately, I've broken two hearts on this level. Well, the first one was his fault. I was engaged (and very young) to an emotionally and verbally (and borderline physically abusive) guy. I finally found some concrete evidence that he had been cheating on me and it gave me the strength to run. So I broke off that engagement and never looked back.
A couple of years later, I was dating a much nicer guy who loved me to pieces. Unfortunately, I didn't feel as strongly for him. I tried to make the relationship work but it just wasn't right for me. I found out after breaking up with him that he had been shopping for rings. While I feel bad about hurting him, I think it would have been worse if I had gone through with a relationship and let it continue when I truly didn't feel the same for him.
Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man and we BOTH love each other. My past may not have been perfect and pain-free, but it brought me to a point where I can truly appreciate the stable, loving relationship I have now... so I don't really regret a thing honestly.
I dated a guy in my early twenties, who I learned had put a ring on layaway right before I broke up with him. It was a very immature, very volatile relationship that never would have actually resulted in marriage. Don't regret breaking that one off at ALL.
I got engaged again to my boyfriend in law school. That one was my fault. I pushed and pushed and pushed, ultimately getting the "shut up ring." The proposal consisted of him basically throwing a ring box at me across a table in a restaurant, never even asking me to marry him. It was horrifying. I never really envisioned myself marrying that guy, I was just obsessed with getting the ring and having a wedding. I ended up leaving him less than a year later when I found out he was cheated on me, not a single wedding plan had been made. I really felt like a I dodged a bullet with that one.
My boyfriend now is outstanding. I cannot WAIT to marry him. We are a perfect match and he is just as excited to marry me as I am to marry him. What a difference a healthy, adult relationship makes!
Moral of the story is: if it doesn't feel right, get out. Relationships should not be THAT hard. You should not be going through couples counseling in the first year. You should not be fighting every other week. You should not be pushing him into buying a ring he's not ready to buy. He shouldn't not be ready 3 years into the relationship. I'm fortunate that I was able to learn from my past mistakes. Thank GOD, I learned those lessons before taking what would have been a very fateful walk down that isle.
My best friend just broke off her engagement, and we're only a few weeks away from their planned wedding date. She also moved out and broke up with the guy completely. He was great about 50% of the time, and a condescending jerk the other 50%. It was a very emotional and volatile relationship, and we were all very worried about where it was going to end up.
There was some 'drama' over the cancellation of the wedding, but her family and close friends couldn't be more proud of her. It takes a lot to realize that you're in an abusive relationship, even if it's only part-time, and a heck of a lot more to realize what's right and act on it. If I were in her shoes, I'm not sure that I could have done it.
The last "relationship" (it is in quotes because it wasn't a relationship, it was a f*** buddy situation, which I was happy with. He rejected me three times before when I had actually asked him out, so I thought for all involved the f*** buddy situation was perfect) I was in, he had asked me to marry him. He didn't have a ring but I knew he was serious. I know the only reason he asked me was because I was starting to become interested in my FI and he wanted to now "claim" me (seriously, his words, ek) even though he had rejected actually dating me several times. I told him he wasn't mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone engaged. I knew that I never, ever wanted to marry him. He was a feeder, emotionally abusive and a mama's boy. That was fine, and then I started distancing myself from him and three months later my FI and I started officially dating, although we had been on dates for almost 9 months prior.
Him and my FI were high school friends and known each other a long time. The moment we started dating officially, he told my FI he couldn't stand to look at him anymore and that they couldn't be friends. Then he claimed to their mutual friends that my FI "stole" me from him! Ummm, EXCUSE ME! I CAN'T BE STOLEN!
This sicko also told his mom about our sex life in graphic detail and she said that she would of "watched me more closely" if she knew her son had that type of interest in me. Scary, scary shit.
@lezlers: If I could "like" your comment, I would! The last paragraph of your post pretty much sums up everything I have learned about relationships. You shouldn't have to feel like you are putting a lot of effort into making it work. Relationships should should be a source of peace, not stress. I'm not saying that it'll be moonlit walks and chocolate-covered strawberries all the time, but if you spend most of your time worried and insecure, then he isn't the one!
I was dating one guy for a while. He's actually the guy that I broke up with Hubs for right after hubs and I had first met and started dating. We dated for almost three years. He gave me a promise ring for valentines day after just over one year of dating. He was very insecure and controlling, and we were very on again off again. We were both too immature to have made it work. We'd be ring shopping one day, fighting the next. I finally left him and moved out on my own. Then two years and another bf later, hubs and I met up again after five years, and now we're happily married.
I was in a long term relationship before my FI. My ex proposed to me when we're 22. When I was 21, I always thought he's the one. We broke off the engagement later because I realised he's not the one.
I can't resist telling my mom's story here...
She actually turned down 2 proposals before she said "yes" to my dad. Her HS sweetheart proposed during their first year of college, and she just wasn't ready.
When her senior year of college rolled around, she'd been dating "Mike" for about two years. He had already graduated, and came to my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving. My mom's family didn't know (and Mike didn't know!) that she had recently met my dad and was feeling quite smitten. Well, long story short, Mike proposed and got a "no" at Thanksgiving. A month later, guess who mom brought home for Christmas? And my dad ended up proposing just a few days later. They just celebrated their 34th anniversary last month! <3
I have done this to one guy before. My very first serious boyfriend, we dated for 4 years, beginning my senior year of high school. It's kind of a complicated story but the gist is that it was an emotionally abusive relationship and I realized I didn't want to be with him about 6 months before we actually broke up. I was too scared to end it because we lived together and I didn't have any friends that I could move in with after a break up. He was also a borderline alcoholic and used to get so angry sometimes that I seriously thought he was going to hit me.
It was a very stupid move on my part, I was too chicken to actually break up with him so I cheated on him. It ended up being exactly what I needed to wake myself up and find the courage to do it. I was so disgusted with myself that I broke up with him the next day. Anyway, during our break up he pulled out a ring that he said he'd been saving for our 4 year anniversary (which would have been 2 weeks later). It made it a lot harder to continue but I finally broke up with him.
I did feel a little weird when I got engaged to my now FI though. We got engaged on the same day (obviously different year) my ex would have purposed to me on, but my FI doesn't know that. I'm very happy now and I know I did the right thing in the end. My fiance knows my past and still loves and trusts me :)
i have turned down one proposal, and i was previously engaged:
the first proposal was out of HS, by a guy i was good friends with - i knew he was in love with me, even kept a savings account where he would save up money for our future wedding, but i was not in love with him... so no.
the previous engagement was ALL WRONG. it was half a secret engagement, and looking back on it now i am SO glad that we went our seperate ways (he ended up cheating on me, which i found out after i kept pressing to set a date) because looking at what i have NOW with what i had then, its completely different and i cant even fathom why i would have wanted to marry the other guy.
so in the spirit everything happens for a reason, i took my past experiences as a what i DONT want and found my real true partner in life and couldnt be happier.
I agree everything happens for a reason, my great grandmother was engaged to a man and due to go ring shopping. She spent a weekend with some family and their friends in the country and met my great grandfather. Apparently they held hands - VERY daring in those days for a first meeting. Anyway she went home, broke it off with her fiance, and was married to my great grandfather for over 50 years - and they never had a fight :)
A friend of mine broke off an engagement with an abusive guy. It was horrible and she was a shell of the person she'd been before him. A few months later she met her now-husband, fell head over heels and now has the most gorgeous little boy. Now anytime I hear of someone umming and ahhing over breaking off an engagement I use this as an example for how it's horrible, but not the end of the world :)
DH and I got engaged about 2 years into our relationship and even though I felt good at the time, the cold feet started the very next day. We ended up deciding not to be engaged anymore but that we wanted to work on our relationship instead. 4 years later he proposed with a different ring and now we're married and I'm glad that's how our story goes :)
EDIT: When I was 19 and playing the field a lot, a guy I'd been seeing proposed. I didn't say yes, since I knew it was the stupidest idea ever. My friends suggested I marry him though, since he (apparently) had some terminal illness that would probably kill him before he was 30 and he also (apparently) had a lot of money. That sounded like the second stupidest idea ever. It's now 10 years later and as far as I know he is still alive (and was lying about the money, and possibly the illness). The situations we get ourselves into when we're 19!!!!
Yes I broke off an engazgement between husbands #1 and #2. One of my better moves...
I've broken off one engagement and had two others broken on me (which, in the end, was the best course of action for all involved):
1- I was just turned 19 and I'd been with him just over a year. We were living together. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I said yes, spent a week flipping out over it, and then broke it off. I then spent the next 2-3 months trying to extract myself from that relationship. The thought of this guy still makes my stomach turn with dread.
2- We'd been together almost a year and a half. He was everything I Though I was looking for- drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, good steady job and seemed to love me. Looking back, he belittled me a great deal and faulted me for not being the person he wished I was- the woman he'd been in love with since he was 16 (who he eventually cheated on me with, left me for, and married!). He asked me between Christmas and New Year's Eve. I was over the moon, but he wanted to keep it secret (bad sign #1!) and almost as soon as he'd asked, he started treating me worse and worse. He broke it off two months later. It broke me for a while, but looking back, it was not that great of a relationship!
3- A year after guy #2, I'd just gotten out of a psych hospital after attempting to kill myself (it was a pretty bad time in my life). My best friend since I was 18, who lives in another country, told me that his biggest fear in the universe was loosing me, and he'd realized while I was in the hospital that he loved me. Well, I'd loved him for a long time too. So he proposed, over the phone and sent me a ring in the mail. ;p We tried planning how things would work out, but neither of us could ever make the puzzles pieces fit, ya know? He ended up cheating on me with his ex-gf who'd abused him and breaking it off. We're still super close friends (although we didn't speak for 6 months after). We met our FIs the same exact week, which is crazy [we met his FI together while I was out visiting 3 years ago and he met my FI a year later when he came to visit for a week]. He'll be coming to my wedding (fingers crossed!).
I will agree with the above peeps: All the shitty mess of my past makes me appreciate what I have with my FI more then ever.
My college boyfriend and I got engaged my senior year. I began having serious doubts as to whether he really was The One. I had a talk with him and discovered that he wasn't happy, either. We called off the wedding 6 weeks before we were supposed to get married. A week later, I told him that I couldn't get married if I felt like I was missing out on something (we had started dating when we were 18, and he was my first serious boyfriend). I wanted to see other people, but after 5 years, he understandably said it was all or nothing. So... I broke up with him. That was over 10 years ago. For the longest time, I felt horribly guilty for having hurt him so much, even though I never doubted my decision. He just wasn't The One. Last year we ran into each other, and he actually thanked me for seeing then what he couldn't at the time--that we weren't really each other's One.
Now I'm engaged to a guy who is just as wonderful and decent a human being as my ex, if not more, but is a much better match for me in the ways my ex wasn't. We'll be getting married in 5 weeks, and what a difference this time! Last time, I was torn in two, trying to figure out whether I was having cold feet or whether it was for real, and trying to figure out whether I really wanted to marry him. This time, I'm so happy and excited about everything--the shower, the bachelorette party, and even (especially) getting married! There's absolutely no doubt in my mind this time, and because of that I can just enjoy all of it. THAT is the biggest difference that being previously engaged has made for me. It's made me realize how right C really is for me, because my feelings at this point are so solid, so happy and so different that I know C truly is The One. :)
Thanks, Hope. I guess my situation with my ex was kind of similiar. It seems like a lot of girls left guys that were just abusive, bad guys. But my ex wasn't. He was wonderful and in some ways I wish my fiancee was more like him. But I guess it was a mix of my being immature and wanting to see what else was out there for me--as well as the fact that my ex was kind of boring. I had plans to travel the world and live abroad while ex wanted to settle down and be near his family and didn't have much interest in my adventurous lifestyle. FH and I have travelled through out the world, lived abroad and now we have plans to move cross country right before the wedding next month. He definitly thrills me a lot more than my ex ever could--so I have no regrets over my decisions. But at times I feel bad for the ex and wonder why I hurt him the way I did. I guess we can't always live to please others though...
As much as I hate to talk about this I will. My boyfriend of a year and a month proposed to me, and I accepted, and was very happy. I was making all kinds of plans and ideas, picking out flowers, looking at venues, dresses etc etc....And all the while he seemed almost reluctant to discuss these things with me. After a year, he gave me the second part of my engagement ring, a beautiful half carat enhancer. After that, it all really seemed to go down hill, because I started planning in ernast for our wedding, hoping that we would set a date soon.
And then, near the middle of January of 2010, he broke it off. I was devastated. He felt like he needed space, and to think. He had moved all of his stuff out of our apartment while I was at work. To make matters worse, he went around and talked to people about doing it before he said a word to me, and never really tried to talk to me about our problems.
For about a month, I was sobbing crying mess. It was worse because I had sold my car the year prior because I was paying insurance on a car I couldn't drive. So, you guessed it, I had to rely on him for rides to work. Everyday I cried myself to sleep. But we started talking, maybe a week after he broke it off. And he would say small things like I miss the way you smiled, at me every time, you saw me for the first time that day. It killed me. But we slowly became friends, and I was okay with that. I had several other guys ask me out, but I kept hoping and thinking he would take me back, because I was working on the things that had been wrong in our relationship.
And then one day, he looked at me and said "I miss you too much. Can we start dating again?" I immeadietly started crying and nodded. This may, he proposed again, and this time around, I know it's right because he's interested in the wedding details and me and we have a hard time not talking to each other. I guess it took a break to really strengthen our relationship and I'm grateful he had the courage to do it. I learned things about myself that I never would have otherwise, and was able to become a better, stronger, more independent me.
I was engaged once in college to my girlfriend at the time. We were both 19.
We had our ups and downs like any other couple (we'd dated for three months and been best friends for six months before that), and her proposal was very sweet and heartfelt, but it all went to hell within 24 hours — I found out that she'd been cheating on me, badmouthing me and our relationship, telling my ex I wanted to get back together (WTF?), telling people all kinds of future plans that the two of us had never even discussed, and lying about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. For months I watched this girl grieve her dead mother who was tragically killed in a car accident. Turns out, mom was alive and kickin'!
I gave her back the ring and told her I wanted nothing to do with her, and she made a big dramatic scene culminating in attempting suicide.
The chick is completely insane, and the whole experience was just horrific... ending with me finally having to threaten her with a restraining order. It took me YEARS to stop blaming myself for not having seen any of this coming, but we had a close-knit group of friends and not one of us foresaw anything like this in our wildest dreams.
(Last I heard she's now on her third engagement. I'm glad girl #2 escaped that mess... sucks for #3 though.)
And, I know it's unfair of me, but it's the reason I cringe when I hear about people getting engaged when they're young or have been together for less than a year. I couldn't help but think if I'd been older I would have put more thought into agreeing to get engaged, or had we been together for longer her true personality would have revealed itself before we made such a serious commitment.
The days of dwelling are long gone, though. But engagement is not something I'm jumping into lightly this time.
My sister and her former BF lived together for 5 of the 6 years they dated. He proposed, she said yes, and then a couple weeks later, she gave the ring back and they both moved out and moved on. She said when ex BF proposed, she thought it was what she had been waiting for, but then she saw her whole future life with him flash before her and was like, I cannot live this way with this guy. It was really sad for everyone.
We didn't actually get officially engaged, but my ex in high school wanted us to go to the same school so that we could get married. He talked about it all the time, and was planning it all out.
I was only 17/18 years old, but I knew he wasn't the one for me. He was selfish, had a bad temper, and only wanted to date me when he needed something or when it was convenient. I'm glad I listened to my gut about staying with this guy forever, because I'm so happy with my FI now and love him more than anything!
My MOH was previously engaged at a very young age (19). The ex-FI proposed to her at Christmas and surprised everyone, even her parents (who didnt exactly approve). Well she said yes, knowing it didnt feel right and ended up breaking it off when she found out he cheated on her with her best friend at the time. The cheating ex-FI and ex-BFF ended up getting married after having a child.
To my knowledge either the ex's have seperated now or are going thru some rough patches (the ex-BFF actually called my MOH last year to ask for advice on how to patch things up with ex-FI..can you believe that!?!??!)
I would have had to say no once. My ex bf was going to ask me to marry him. I was only 21 and would have said no. I did end the relationship before he got the chance to ask but I heard that he had a ring.
I was dating a guy for 5 1/2 years before my current BF. We met when I was 17, got engaged when I was 18 and 4 years later I broke up with him after finding out he cheated on me with 11 different girls!!
@lolaj: OMG, that's horrible! What a scumbag! If there is a silver lining to that cloud, it's that you found out before walking down the aisle, at least.
@angelsleap07: I just wanted to update a little on my situation.
Well, it didn't last long, us being engaged again. I realized that all the strength that I had found while we were apart had suddenly disappeared, and I was this crying, clingy, needy mess. So.
About a month, month and a half ago, I broke it off with him. And let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Its even harder because I know I still love him. And he still loves me. We are starting over basically, from the beginning. Crazy I know, but I told him I couldn't handle being engaged when I felt like a two year old emotionally. In the next week I am starting to see a pyschologist to help me with some personal issues. Hopefully, things will get better, and we can be happy again. I keep getting the feeling of how we felt when we first met, and how crazy we were about each other then. I think its a good sign that things are getting back on track. <3 <3
I turned down many proposals (from the same guy). We were high school sweethearts, and ended up dating for 7 1/2 years. He would randomly propose with no ring, and I knew he wasn't stable enough to be married so I said no. In the end, I caught him in a huge lie (one of many) and dumped him. Later he said that he was planning on surprising me the next weekend and he had a ring. I was just glad he didn't and I found out about the lies first!
my ex. whom i shouldn't have been with the first half of our 4+ year relationship... said to me a few weeks after i finally ended things (i tried to be "friends" with him for a while) "would you have stayed, if i'd proposed? i was going to you know"
uhhh #1, id NEVER thought i was going to marry him. #2, i was mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship 6 mnths prior... just took graduating college and starting my "first real life" job (and him still being in school - even tho he graduated hs before me)... to push me to actually leaving him.
he cried a lot. sad thing is, the only time i cried was the day i finally broke up with him. and it was after he left; out of pity for hurting him.
to this day, he has not dated anyone (seriously)... we've been broken up for 5 years. fi and i've been together for 3.5... i can't even imagine how he (ex) has kept himself in the same life, same routine, same lifestyle (minus me) for the past 5 years instead of growing up and maturing... (his best friends update me every once in a while on how he's doing)
BEST damn choice of my life.
Yes, on both counts. But then I'm quite old so I've had more opportunities.
Five yrs ago I broke off my engagement to my FH. I just wasn't ready. He hung in there, & now the time is right.
I was engaged to an ex, but it wasn't me that broke things off. He left a week before the wedding to be with his baby Momms. It hurt so much at the time, but I wouldn't have began dating my husband (then very good friend) if it hadn't have happened.
Yes. And it was very difficult for me--my parents loved him, his parents loved me and we were poised to be one big happy family.
The bottom line is, you have to forgive yourself. In life and love, you are going to hurt people just as you will be hurt by people. But they will continue to live on and find new people to love, just as you will (and have done). And you know in your head that what you did was right--it'd be far worse to marry him and waste years of your live and his life in a marriage that wasn't right. Now you just have to try to understand that in your heart.
Whomever he is, I'm sure he'll find someone else who can truly make him happy as he deserves to be.
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Before I met FH, I was in a serious long-term relationship. The relationship was great and I thought he was the one...but in the end I ended it and hurt him badly. Afterward, he had told me that he had gotten a ring and had been planning to propose. That shocked me a bit because I was 24 and wasn't thinking about marriage at that time.
Now I am 29 and engaged to be married this summer. Being engaged has brought up strange feelings about the ex...mostly feelings of guilt and sadness about having hurt & let down someone that I loved. I was immature then and certainly not ready for marriage--but I do still feel bad about the whole thing.
I was wondering how many other bees have been in similar situations. Did you turn down a proposal? Break off an engagement? Or end a serious relationship? How has it effected your feelings about your present engagement?