Post # 1
Before I met FH, I was in a serious long-term relationship. The relationship was great and I thought he was the one…but in the end I ended it and hurt him badly. Afterward, he had told me that he had gotten a ring and had been planning to propose. That shocked me a bit because I was 24 and wasn’t thinking about marriage at that time.
Now I am 29 and engaged to be married this summer. Being engaged has brought up strange feelings about the ex…mostly feelings of guilt and sadness about having hurt & let down someone that I loved. I was immature then and certainly not ready for marriage–but I do still feel bad about the whole thing.
I was wondering how many other bees have been in similar situations. Did you turn down a proposal? Break off an engagement? Or end a serious relationship? How has it effected your feelings about your present engagement?
Post # 3
@cherryblossom80:Yes, I did turn down a proposal, but I was really young and not really even that into the guy. I feel kind of bad saying that, but it’s the truth!
Post # 4
I turned down a proposal when I was 18 (maybe 19). I was not dating this person. To my knowledge, we were only good friends. I had a small suspision he “liked, liked” me, but I had no idea he had set his hat for me!
Post # 5
I didn’t, but I easily could have been in that situation… When I broke things off with my ex, there were some serious hints flying (mostly from his family) that he was getting ready to propose. I’m glad I ended things when I did b/c it would have been a lot messier to break off an engagement, and he really *really* wasn’t the right guy for me.
Post # 6
Unfortunately, I’ve broken two hearts on this level. Well, the first one was his fault. I was engaged (and very young) to an emotionally and verbally (and borderline physically abusive) guy. I finally found some concrete evidence that he had been cheating on me and it gave me the strength to run. So I broke off that engagement and never looked back.
A couple of years later, I was dating a much nicer guy who loved me to pieces. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel as strongly for him. I tried to make the relationship work but it just wasn’t right for me. I found out after breaking up with him that he had been shopping for rings. While I feel bad about hurting him, I think it would have been worse if I had gone through with a relationship and let it continue when I truly didn’t feel the same for him.
Now I’m engaged to a wonderful man and we BOTH love each other. My past may not have been perfect and pain-free, but it brought me to a point where I can truly appreciate the stable, loving relationship I have now… so I don’t really regret a thing honestly.
Post # 7
I dated a guy in my early twenties, who I learned had put a ring on layaway right before I broke up with him. It was a very immature, very volatile relationship that never would have actually resulted in marriage. Don’t regret breaking that one off at ALL.
I got engaged again to my boyfriend in law school. That one was my fault. I pushed and pushed and pushed, ultimately getting the “shut up ring.” The proposal consisted of him basically throwing a ring box at me across a table in a restaurant, never even asking me to marry him. It was horrifying. I never really envisioned myself marrying that guy, I was just obsessed with getting the ring and having a wedding. I ended up leaving him less than a year later when I found out he was cheated on me, not a single wedding plan had been made. I really felt like a I dodged a bullet with that one.
My boyfriend now is outstanding. I cannot WAIT to marry him. We are a perfect match and he is just as excited to marry me as I am to marry him. What a difference a healthy, adult relationship makes!
Moral of the story is: if it doesn’t feel right, get out. Relationships should not be THAT hard. You should not be going through couples counseling in the first year. You should not be fighting every other week. You should not be pushing him into buying a ring he’s not ready to buy. He shouldn’t not be ready 3 years into the relationship. I’m fortunate that I was able to learn from my past mistakes. Thank GOD, I learned those lessons before taking what would have been a very fateful walk down that isle.
Post # 8
My best friend just broke off her engagement, and we’re only a few weeks away from their planned wedding date. She also moved out and broke up with the guy completely. He was great about 50% of the time, and a condescending jerk the other 50%. It was a very emotional and volatile relationship, and we were all very worried about where it was going to end up.
There was some ‘drama’ over the cancellation of the wedding, but her family and close friends couldn’t be more proud of her. It takes a lot to realize that you’re in an abusive relationship, even if it’s only part-time, and a heck of a lot more to realize what’s right and act on it. If I were in her shoes, I’m not sure that I could have done it.
Post # 9
The last “relationship” (it is in quotes because it wasn’t a relationship, it was a f*** buddy situation, which I was happy with. He rejected me three times before when I had actually asked him out, so I thought for all involved the f*** buddy situation was perfect) I was in, he had asked me to marry him. He didn’t have a ring but I knew he was serious. I know the only reason he asked me was because I was starting to become interested in my FI and he wanted to now “claim” me (seriously, his words, ek) even though he had rejected actually dating me several times. I told him he wasn’t mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone engaged. I knew that I never, ever wanted to marry him. He was a feeder, emotionally abusive and a mama’s boy. That was fine, and then I started distancing myself from him and three months later my FI and I started officially dating, although we had been on dates for almost 9 months prior.
Him and my FI were high school friends and known each other a long time. The moment we started dating officially, he told my FI he couldn’t stand to look at him anymore and that they couldn’t be friends. Then he claimed to their mutual friends that my FI “stole” me from him! Ummm, EXCUSE ME! I CAN’T BE STOLEN!
This sicko also told his mom about our sex life in graphic detail and she said that she would of “watched me more closely” if she knew her son had that type of interest in me. Scary, scary shit.
Post # 10
@lezlers: If I could “like” your comment, I would! The last paragraph of your post pretty much sums up everything I have learned about relationships. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are putting a lot of effort into making it work. Relationships should should be a source of peace, not stress. I’m not saying that it’ll be moonlit walks and chocolate-covered strawberries all the time, but if you spend most of your time worried and insecure, then he isn’t the one!
Post # 11
I was dating one guy for a while. He’s actually the guy that I broke up with Hubs for right after hubs and I had first met and started dating. We dated for almost three years. He gave me a promise ring for valentines day after just over one year of dating. He was very insecure and controlling, and we were very on again off again. We were both too immature to have made it work. We’d be ring shopping one day, fighting the next. I finally left him and moved out on my own. Then two years and another bf later, hubs and I met up again after five years, and now we’re happily married.
Post # 12
I was in a long term relationship before my FI. My ex proposed to me when we’re 22. When I was 21, I always thought he’s the one. We broke off the engagement later because I realised he’s not the one.
Post # 13
I can’t resist telling my mom’s story here…
She actually turned down 2 proposals before she said “yes” to my dad. Her HS sweetheart proposed during their first year of college, and she just wasn’t ready.
When her senior year of college rolled around, she’d been dating “Mike” for about two years. He had already graduated, and came to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving. My mom’s family didn’t know (and Mike didn’t know!) that she had recently met my dad and was feeling quite smitten. Well, long story short, Mike proposed and got a “no” at Thanksgiving. A month later, guess who mom brought home for Christmas? And my dad ended up proposing just a few days later. They just celebrated their 34th anniversary last month! <3
Post # 14
I have done this to one guy before. My very first serious boyfriend, we dated for 4 years, beginning my senior year of high school. It’s kind of a complicated story but the gist is that it was an emotionally abusive relationship and I realized I didn’t want to be with him about 6 months before we actually broke up. I was too scared to end it because we lived together and I didn’t have any friends that I could move in with after a break up. He was also a borderline alcoholic and used to get so angry sometimes that I seriously thought he was going to hit me.
It was a very stupid move on my part, I was too chicken to actually break up with him so I cheated on him. It ended up being exactly what I needed to wake myself up and find the courage to do it. I was so disgusted with myself that I broke up with him the next day. Anyway, during our break up he pulled out a ring that he said he’d been saving for our 4 year anniversary (which would have been 2 weeks later). It made it a lot harder to continue but I finally broke up with him.
I did feel a little weird when I got engaged to my now FI though. We got engaged on the same day (obviously different year) my ex would have purposed to me on, but my FI doesn’t know that. I’m very happy now and I know I did the right thing in the end. My fiance knows my past and still loves and trusts me 🙂
Post # 15
i have turned down one proposal, and i was previously engaged:
the first proposal was out of HS, by a guy i was good friends with – i knew he was in love with me, even kept a savings account where he would save up money for our future wedding, but i was not in love with him… so no.
the previous engagement was ALL WRONG. it was half a secret engagement, and looking back on it now i am SO glad that we went our seperate ways (he ended up cheating on me, which i found out after i kept pressing to set a date) because looking at what i have NOW with what i had then, its completely different and i cant even fathom why i would have wanted to marry the other guy.
so in the spirit everything happens for a reason, i took my past experiences as a what i DONT want and found my real true partner in life and couldnt be happier.
Post # 16
I agree everything happens for a reason, my great grandmother was engaged to a man and due to go ring shopping. She spent a weekend with some family and their friends in the country and met my great grandfather. Apparently they held hands – VERY daring in those days for a first meeting. Anyway she went home, broke it off with her fiance, and was married to my great grandfather for over 50 years – and they never had a fight 🙂
A friend of mine broke off an engagement with an abusive guy. It was horrible and she was a shell of the person she’d been before him. A few months later she met her now-husband, fell head over heels and now has the most gorgeous little boy. Now anytime I hear of someone umming and ahhing over breaking off an engagement I use this as an example for how it’s horrible, but not the end of the world 🙂
DH and I got engaged about 2 years into our relationship and even though I felt good at the time, the cold feet started the very next day. We ended up deciding not to be engaged anymore but that we wanted to work on our relationship instead. 4 years later he proposed with a different ring and now we’re married and I’m glad that’s how our story goes 🙂
EDIT: When I was 19 and playing the field a lot, a guy I’d been seeing proposed. I didn’t say yes, since I knew it was the stupidest idea ever. My friends suggested I marry him though, since he (apparently) had some terminal illness that would probably kill him before he was 30 and he also (apparently) had a lot of money. That sounded like the second stupidest idea ever. It’s now 10 years later and as far as I know he is still alive (and was lying about the money, and possibly the illness). The situations we get ourselves into when we’re 19!!!!