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This is kind of a spin off of another thread asking why cash bars are tacky. A few posters mentioned that they've witnessed guests actually taking money out of gift cards when they see there is no open bar. I, personally, have witnessed people wait to write checks until they actually arrive at the reception to see what they feel the couple deserves. I don't operate like this. I give gifts based on what I can afford and how close I am to the person and not on what they served for dinner or whether they had a photo booth.
Has anyone else experienced or done this? Any thoughts?
Sticking with my new resolution to not use the word tacky, I will say... poor taste! haha, I don't think that's much better.
No, I write a check before I leave, in a sealed envelope, with a nice card expressing how happy I am for the couple. There may have been things that make me want to change the amount, but there's a reason I write everything in Sharpie pen - no take backs! It's rude to go and rifle through the card box to go take money out of a card just because you weren't happy you have to buy your drinks! (I wouldn't be happy if I had to buy my drinks, but...yeesh, that's line crossing!)
I give gifts based on what I can afford and how close I am to the person and not on what they served for dinner or whether they had a photo booth.
THIS.
That is rediculous. We always just give what we can based on our relationship with the people getting married. I will say that my dad waits to write checks until he gets to the wedding, but that is because he procrastinates and usually buys cards on the way to the weddings but he always gives the same amount.
Wow would someone ACTUALLY do that?? That is appalling!
I'm sorry... but that is absolutely asinine. I also give gifts depending on what we can afford and how close I am to the person. A gift is given out of generosity and appreciation for the bond you share with that person... not on what you are going to get in return.
@abbie017: I know, apparently "tacky" is a no-no word. LOL! And I totally agree with you. I fill out the amount at home, write some well wishes and seal the envelope. I was mortified when I witnessed someone actually take money out of a card when they felt the reception wasn't up to par and doubly mortified when I saw someone wait to fill out the check (that someone is very close to me 
).
@tksjewelry & deathbydesign - YUP! It is ridiculous and appalling! Look, I may not agree with cash bars or cake & punch receptions or whatever, but they have nothing to do with the fact that people I care for are joining in marriage and could probably use a nice gift to start their new lives with. Like I said, I don't base my gifts on what the recipients have given me. I base them on what I can afford to give and how close we are.
@zippylef: I couldn't agree more, but sadly, I really have seen it happen. It's unfortunate that some people view life as "tit for tat".
I wouldn't change it but I would give based on the scale of the event. If they are my closest family or my very best friend, then the amount stays (or maybe increases if it's a very fancy one).
However, if it's just normal friends or relatives, I tend to :
i) Cover my plate
ii) Add maybe $50 or $100 p.p. as a gift
So if the event is just a barbecue which costs say $20, I would give $120-ish p.p.. If it's at the Four Seasons, I'll pay $300 p.p. for the food+drinks + $100 as a gift.
I give the same amount, regardless if it's in their backyard or at the Ritz. The point of a gift is to help the couple start their life together, not to cover your plate.
Um. What?! I've never heard of that. But that is just wrong!!!
Now, is it that they're taking money out to use @ the cash bar to buy drinks or are they taking out money because they feel as though they were entitled to something?Honestly, in this case, the intention doesn't even matter much to me...the action speaks too loudly.
No, I've never waited until the event.
I will adjust based on going alone or with Fiance and if a meal is involved.
@redband: Uh-oh, the old "cover my plate" reasoning (which I agree with by the way). Many on the Bee think its HORRIBLE to base your gift on what you think the bride and groom paid per head. I was raised to "cover my plate" plus a little extra depending on how close you are. Now, that being said, if they are having a wedding at the Waldorf and I can only afford the Hilton then the Hilton is what they get. Lol.
@RayRayFurious: Both actually. When I was in college (many moons ago...lol) I attended a wedding in which the B&G did not inform anyone that it would be a cash bar. A lot of us were poor college students so some of them "had to" (they really didn't but they wanted to drink) take money out of the cards to pay for the cash bar. I just didn't drink at that wedding but others felt that was part of the "fun". Another time, I saw an older person wait to fill in the check amount until she saw how much went into the wedding. I was actually kind of shocked but they felt they shouldn't have to give X amount of dollars to a wedding that didn't have XYZ.
No, but I know people who do. They wait to see how the food is, what drinks are provided and what kind of entertainment the couples arranges before deciding how much to give. I don’t agree with it but what they choose to do with their own money is none of my business.
For the most part I base my generosity on how well I know the couple and how close we are. Family and close friends will get considerably more than someone who invited me because they had to (i.e. distant relatives or something of the sort). I also take into consideration the kind of event it is. I’m probably not going to gift the same amount for a black tie event as I would a simple backyard BBQ. I try to cover my plate as best I can so the difference between $15 p/person and $150 p/person is considerable.
That's so rude! I can hardly believe people do that.
I've never really thought about "covering my plate". I give a gift based on how close I am to the couple and how much I can afford at the time (and, in some instances, how broke the couple are).
I cover my plate and then give more depending on the relationship. I research the venue first.
@VegasSukie: I'm so glad to see over "cover your plate" believers here! That's exactly how I was raised to gift at events, and I think it's more than fair!
@SpecialSundae: To me, "covering my plate" is how I try to help the B&G out with starting their new life together. It was great of them to host a nice wedding but I'm sure they could use that money on more important things so I try to gift back what they had to pay for me to attend and a little extra depending on how close I am. I don't think people have to cover their plates, but, for me, I think it's kind of a nice gift. That being said, people should only gift what they can afford and are compelled to give, not what they feel obligated to give.
@mwitter80 - I also research the venue when possible to get an idea of what the couple is paying per head.
We always used to bring blank checks (as a family) and wrote them out discreetly in the bathroom. It had nothing to do with seeing what kind of event we were attending or keeping out cash to pay for drinks. Most of the time it was my brother or sisters asking how much we were giving. Some only wanted to give, say $50. and some wanted to give more...we always ended up giving the same amount from each couple, but less than our parents. I guess we could have called each other beforehand, but my family seems to procrastinate and may also be the ones who stop and buy a card on the way. We're always seated together, so it always seems to happen, and now it's for our own kids.
I can't imagine anyone reaching back into a cardbox and pulling it out to get some cash,tho.
For the 'cover your plate-ers'...where's the gift then? If you guess on the venue cost and don't add anything extra, that's just a break even point with no gift...
@abbie017: Yes some of us still exist (even though this is NOT a popular trend on the Bee as you may soon find out...lol). I just think it's a nice thing to do but certainly not a MUST (especially if you can't afford it....Waldorf Astoria on a Days Inn budget).
@smyley: I think your situation is understanable. I've been known to procrastinate too and literally be running around searching for a card store 10 minutes before the wedding. I've never seen anyone actually take the gift out of the card box, but I have seen them wait to hand in the card until they've seen the wedding.
I give gifts based on what I can afford and how close I am to the person and not on what they served for dinner or whether they had a photo booth.
Agree. I can't imagine sitting at a table writing a cheque...or taking cash out of an envelope in the bathroom. lol Gross.
That being said, I have heard of it being done (by people related to me) and their reasoning was: poor treatment of guests (it had nothing to do with with the type of event, food, or drink, but rather how people were treated).
okay... i think 'cover my plate' is stupid.
so if the couple not financially well off (and could actually NEED the money) and are trying to make the best wedding they can with what very little money they have.... because they don't have a fancy expensive wedding, you give less? that's horrible.
i don't CARE what kind of wedding it is or how much my place costs... my gift depends on my relationship with the bride and groom.
"I give gifts based on what I can afford and how close I am to the person and not on what they served for dinner or whether they had a photo booth."
BEFORE anyone calls me out for covering my plate when I just stated that I don't base my gifts on what was served for dinner, let me clarify. When I get the invitation, I look up the venue to get a general idea of what weddings cost there and I guesstimate how much the couple is spending per head and try to match that and then some depending on my finances and relationship to the couple. I do not, however, base my gift on the quality of food, entertainment, alcohol, etc.
I don’t see how “covering my plate” can be frowned upon. If the couple only pays $15 p/person, I’m not going to just give them $15 because that’s all they paid for me. They’ll still receive atleast $50-$100 per person attending in my party depending on my relationship with them. The “covering my plate” rule is actually beneficial to most couples. If I know their venue is expensive and they’re dropping $150-$200 just on MY plate, I’m going to try to atleast cover that and then add a bit on top. I understand that not everyone can afford to cover their plate, especially if attending with a SO, and they shouldn’t be made to feel like they have to. It’s just a personal rule that I try to follow whenever possible. I never understood why there’s so much negativity towards it.
@rosworms: If I can get called out for calling something "tacky" on another thread, I think we should refrain from calling another person's beliefs "stupid" on this thread. That being said, a lot of people on the Bee feel as you do about covering plates and I get it but I still try to do it when I can. I don't give less if the affair is not fancy, but at the same time I may not feel compelled to give a $200 gift for a cake & punch reception unless I was really, really close to the couple.
@rosworms: Yes. I think it is more than fair. It would be unfair to gift a couple the same amount if they are having a cheap wedding because the actual GIFT would be bigger, wouldn't it?
@rosworms: okay... i think 'cover my plate' is stupid. so if the couple not financially well off (and could actually NEED the money) and are trying to make the best wedding they can with what very little money they have.... because they don't have a fancy expensive wedding, you give less? that's horrible.
(1) Name calling people's beliefs is offensive and rude. THAT'S horrible.
(2) It's cover your plate plus what you want to give as a gift. Meaning, if you take me to McDonalds, I'm going to pay for my chicken nuggets and fries ($8) and still give you a $250 gift. (I'd probably round up to $300, actually). Or if you take me to the Waldorf as a VegasSukie noted, I'll pay the $100 my meal cost, plus my $250 gift.
@UpstateCait: Yeah, I never got the negativity on this board towards "covering my plate". It's not a MUST DO for every event, just a guideline for me to start with when considering the gift I want to give. If the cost of my plate is beyond my means then heck no I'm not going to do it but I will give what I feel comfortable with. On the other hand, if I can afford it and I WANT to give, then why not? I don't think it's stupid, I think it can be helpful for the B&G. But hey, that's JMO...what do I know? Lol.
No, I have never done this, I always decide on the amount I'm giving before attending the wedding. I too research the venue and try to get a sense of how much the wedding is going to cost, and partially determine my gift amount based off of this. This is NOT because I think individuals who are only able to/want to host smaller, less extravagant weddings deserve less of a gift, but because I believe that everyone I love deserves the same amount of a gift, regardless of if their wedding is low or high budget. So I try to guestimate my costs and cover them (thus breaking all weddings even) and then, from there, I add my gift amount on top of this. So for example, if I were to attend a backyard bbq wedding that I thought cost $30 pp, then I would gift $130 (thus the couple gets a $100 gift from me). If I were to attend a more extravagant wedding that I was guessing cost around $200pp, then I would gift $300 (thus the couple is still getting a $100 gift from me). Obviously, this is only within the constraints of what I can afford and, if a couple's wedding is more expensive than I can afford, then I just give what is comfortable for me. I think this mentality doesn't discriminate against ANY bridal couples no matter what their budget - small or big. To give the same amount no matter what the cost of the wedding suggests that bridal couples who throw larger weddings deserve less of a gift from their friends and family! This is why the "covering the cost of your plate" has often been taught as proper etiquette, because when you do this, you are not discriminating against anyone. (Obviously, as said before, this is only within the constraints of wht you can afford).
@abbie017: It's cover your plate plus what you want to give as a gift. - EXACTLY!!! If a couple has their reception at McDonald's I would STILL take the cost of my plate into consideration (and COVER it if I can) AND give a gift on top of that based on my relationship with the couple and my financial means. Like I said before, if I absolutely can't afford to cover my plate, I will give what I can afford to give but there is nothing wrong with using the plate as a baseline at least.
@VegasSukie: My thoughts exactly. The couple with the less expensive wedding is still making out in the deal. Actually, they’re making out more so than the couple with the expensive wedding, in some cases. If couple A paid $15 p/person and I’m gifting them $75 per person attending (so, DH & I) then they’re getting a $150 gift from us after spending $30 on our meals. Not a bad profit, if you ask me. If couple B is paying $150 p/person and I gift $175 per person attending then they’re getting a $350 gift from us after spending $300 on our meals. I don’t think that anyone can argue that a $120 profit is better than a $50 profit.
Not everyone has to agree with the logic but calling it stupid and tacky is annoying. “Covering the plate” is extremely common in my area so that’s what we strive to do. I see nothing wrong with it.
I usually buy off the registry, so I definitely don't wait until the reception to change anything, but I do keep the 'cover your plate' idea in mind. For an informal BBQ type wedding, I'll give a gift based on how well I know the couple, generally worth $50-200. For a wedding where they have clearly spent more than that on me and my guest, I'll give a little more. If it balances out such that the couple has spent more on me and my guest than we've spent on them, then I will feel guilty, but that's just my personal hang-up. Plus, I might feel silly bringing a toaster to the Ritz.
However, we're spending about $150/person just on food and drink (or $200-300/person for the total wedding), and I don't expect each couple to give us $300-600 at all. We are the ones who choose to spend that much because it's what we wanted for our wedding, and our guests shouldn't feel obligated to give us more because of it.
I have actually waited til the reception to write out a check, but NOT b/c I was waiting to see what the reception would be like. (So be careful about assuming that's what people are doing!)
I often do that b/c I'm in a rush to get out the door so I'm not late for the wedding, and I toss a card, check, and pen into my purse, waiting for a moment when I can fill it all out. Either I know we'll just be sitting around at the tables at the reception for awhile, or else I just don't remember to do it til then.
so what happens if they couple's parents are footing the bill? covering your plate doesn't really matter unless you give that portion of your gift to their parents. You say you cover your plate to help the couple cover what they paid... but if they paid nothing and it was their parents, do you give that money to them instead then? Or expect the couple to pay it back to their parents?
How do you guys know what the cost per plate is for other weddings?
I ask because my venue doesn't have prices listed on their site, and the venue includes nothing. We have to hire an outside caterer, bartended, rent tables, etc. Our guests are also all from out of town, so they aren't familiar with any of the vendors in the area.
@siimplycraziie: Not everyone advertises that their parents are paying for the wedding so where the money is coming from doesn't really matter.
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