(Closed) have you had a close family memb spouse cheat and what do you do?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have actually gone through this in a familial situation, and it is very difficult. But keep in mind that what you’re going through? Nothing like what she’s going through. It’s much easier for you to say “I know Sally will end up happily married if she dumps this loser” than it is for her to do. What’s more, it’s not up to your judgment whether or not they decide to work it out or not. Maybe for you the situation is clear as day, but for her (and him) there are many other factors involved. Whether or not you want to give your opinion, what she needs is support and a shoulder to lean on for now. She needs to make the decision that is right for HER life.

Post # 4
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sally’s a big girl and is going to make her own choices whether or not you agree with them. If she chooses to stay with him you can still maintain your friendship with her but choose not to associate with him. And you can make that clear to her. Because if it all falls apart again one day, you’d want her to have a friend at her side right? What’s right for one person is not always right for another, believe you me.

If the roles were reversed, what would you want Sally to do for you?

Post # 5
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh wow. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is be a shoulder for her to cry on. She needs that now more than ever. Go out of your way to check in with her and continue to offer her a place to stay if she needs to get away.

What you shouldn’t do is tell her to leave or give her any instructions. IF she asks for advice you can answer honestly, but make it clear that it’s her decision.

And if she does end up staying with him (God forbid), try your best to be a friend. You have to trust that she’s making the best decision for her and try not to judge. As long as her Fiance makes an effort to be nice to you and it looks like they are working things out, then just be normal around him. Don’t put further strain on their relationship by being a jerk to him.

Post # 7
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010


Agreed 100%.

Sure you can have an opinion on the matter. Everyone has an opinion. But bottom line, it is none of your business.

What happens between a couple (less abuse) is no one else’s business but theirs.

The other thing is it’s so easy for us to “say” what we would do IF we were in their shoes. But we’re not. So we have no way of knowing what we will really do if we were Sally.

Post # 9
46228 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would be her friend and limit contact with him. It’s sad that your friend has so little self esteem that she would sit back and wait for this jerk to choose between the two women.

The part I will never understand is why women aim their anger at the other woman. A couple of pp’s have suggested calling her and telling her off.

HELLO! She has had an attraction to a man who is engaged. HE IS ENGAGED!

He is the one who bears the responsibility for his cheating ways-


Post # 10
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

ok…this might be long…sorry!.I went through this where “sally” is my sister. My younger sister. This literally just happened like a week ago. Last weekend I took her shopping, had cocktails at home and let her cry on and off, took the phone away at her request so she didnt see his texts etc. She is my sister and my friend. I love her and it was torture to watch her go through what many of us have gone through in the past. I know i personally went through hell with my ex and she watched it all so she knew all the advice that I was giving her was from experience. It was not too long ago that It was me crying in my cheerios. The advice ill give you applied for friends who supported me through my ordeal as well as to me while I supported my sister, there is nothing you can do but be there. She may see the “right ” thing to do but that does not mean its going to happen. Some people are just not strong enough or confident enough in themselves to make such a drastic move such as leaving him on the spot. There are emotions involved that no one can understand except the person involved. I do agree it is a bit disturbing to watch someone give someone else so much control over thier future, such as her waiting for him to decide. Keep her occupied. Go to dinner, tell her how beautiful she is, do things to make her feel good about herself. As her friend and part of her support system that is the best thing you can do. With my sisters and friends alike I go by this motto, ill be there to celebrate with you when things are good and cry with you when things are bad whether its a situation you caused or a situation out of your control. Friendship (the real kind) is unconditional and if you love her as her friend just be what she needs right now and thats a source of encouragement and support.

As a pp said, it is also your choice to not deal with him now or in the future, but keep in mind this may put a strain on your friendship with her. My sister ended up back with the guy who cheated on her. She actually showed up to a dinner date that she had with me and my SO with him. She told me she was bringing a “date” and it turned out to be him. I obviously didnt know how to react given that a week earlier is when she found out he cheated. I just was polite but honest. I flat out said at dinner “i know you know that i know what you did. I dont claim to know th e whole story but i do know that she was hurt and I do not like seeing her hurt. I cant lie and say that im completely ok with you because im not. However, she is choosing to be with you and because i love her and respect her I will not treat you badly. But we are not friends and I, if i do not have to, would like to keep our social meetings to a minimum.” it went over well, he understood and so did she and now nothing is wierd. Im so sorry for your friend and im also sorry for you because it is a very hard thing to watch. But like someone else said, what you are going through does not even compare to what she is going through. Be there for her and im sure she will be grateful to have you as a friend as im sure she already is.

Post # 11
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

double post sorry!!!!

Post # 13
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

your welcome, I do hope that she finds some strength because as I now know after dealing with my ex, any man who can do that to the woman he’s with is not truly in love. Someone who loves you would not be able to handle even thinking about causing you pain in such a way. I will keep your sister in my thoughts and send good vibes her way, and yours as well. PM me if you need to vent or whatever, this situation is still going on for me too. Good luck!

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