Post # 1
I’m 35 and my dad is probably going to pass this summer. My previous post.
I will try to summarize with bullets:
- Januray – timeline from doctors about his remaining days, CT scan revealed tumor growth despite several treatments
- Feburary – felt it was too close to our wedding which was already booked for July
- March – cancelled that wedding should the events overlap and for the sake of my side’s emotinal state
- April – then heard some misinformation, doctors said different things, mom revealed some other things
- April – then felt we should move forward with our new plans since there was so much uncertainty and cannot put our lives on hold forever
- April – dreamed up a lovely two week weddingmoon just the two of us in a place we always wanted to go (planned for August)
- April – now there’s more bad news, looks like the original theory wasn’t far off. Nurses all said their goodbyes to my dad as he’s done with all treatement and the turmos are still growing.
- Today – now I’m freaking out about booking our August elopement
I am worried about the emotional state I will be in. I’m scared if he passes the week of our weddingmoon. I’m scared that if he passes bewteen now and August I’m just going to be “not right” for a while. I’ve been chatting with some laides who did loose a parent and if you’ve been there, you’re just not right for a while. I don’t want to start a weddingmoon. I’m so lost.
If we want to continue with our August plans, we need to book everything tomorrow. Vendors are waiting, things book up quickly. I don’t know what to do.
My dad would probably say don’t let his health stop us, but the reality is my pain is going to trump his wishes.
Post # 3
I lost my mom, years ago, and I can say that I would not have been in an emotional state for a long time after that point to truly enjoy a wedding, and make happy memories that I would hope you will be able to associate with getting married!
On the other hand, I can see if I were in your shoes of being ready to be married at this time that maybe you don’t want to put your whole life on hold? I was much younger when my mom passed away, and had only been dating my now FI for 6 months so it’s not the same situation!
I think if it were me I might want to wait until my parent passed, and then start making plans when I felt emotionally capable to do so.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Losing a parent is tough and no matter what your wedding day will probably be a day where you miss your dad 🙁
Post # 4
Is the issue about the timing of wedding or the trip? Have you thought about getting married now in a small ceremony with your family and then doing the bigger wedding later?
I lost my father about 9 years ago and I wish he could have met my fiance and been part of the experience.
Post # 5
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. My dad passed away 10 years ago in March, but it was sudden. He fell asleep and never woke up, so I didn’t watch him suffer.
Do NOT let vendors make the decision for you. You do what makes you feel better. You are going to be emotional regardless. Your FI will be there for you no matter what, and you will get married whether it be in August or after.
Go with your gut on what you feel is the right time. I feel for you girl.
Post # 6
Thank you for sharing your story and your honesty. It’s what I need to hear.
That was our original plan. Wait until he’s gone, mourn, then start to plan when the dust has settled, either privately or just immediate family possibly (although they are a bunch of non travellers scattered all over the US). We are ok if it’s just the two of us honestly.
I think it was the misinformation period (just a week ago) that caused us to think things were more uncertain and we could be waiting a long time.
Then with the last email/discussion from my mom, it’s all back to being very real and possibly soon. Just like my initial scared feeling back in January.
Post # 7
@LK2511: “Is the issue about the timing of wedding or the trip? Have you thought about getting married now in a small ceremony with your family and then doing the bigger wedding later?”
Dad has met my FI 2x and he loves him. He’s so proud of him as if he were his son. Brags about him all the time.
However, my dad has engrained it in us since we were little girls that weddigns are truly a pain in the ass, and elope if possible to save everyone a hassle (and no that was not to get out of any expected financial duties, they are in no possition for that, nor would I expect them). Mom and dad aren’t into weddings.
I was married the first time with just two witnesses, no family. It didn’t seem to phase either of my parents then. On more than one occasion he actually FORGOT that I was married when I was actually married. So if he truly wanted to walk me down the aisle I think I would have gotten that impression long before I found my partner or I would have heard it by now. Don’t you think?
Also, my sisters told me last month (they live near dad, 1500 miles away from me) that they really don’t want to be forced into putting on “fake, happy smiles” for the sake of my wedding soon and couldn’t think of anything more awful. Each has a newborn, they are kind of emotionally drained as is thinking of thier babies not getting to know grandpa.
My wedding is most likely not on my dad’s radar at this time and sisters agreed with this idea. I know it’s the least of my mother’s worries.
In addition, that would kind of rule out FI’s family as I wouldn’t want to make them do all the travelling (they are in Oregon, my famil is in Indiana) and they are the excited ones really.
Plus you only get ONE wedding day. After having a terribly unspecial JOP wedding the first time, I know first hand about getting “one day” and making it right.
Quicky wedding soon = bad idea.
Post # 8
Got it. I hear you about the one wedding.
I’m glad they got to meet. My thoughts are with you, I know it’s a difficult time.
Post # 9
I lost my Mom in 1989 and my Dad in 1997. The best part of getting married? My FILs! I LOVE being someone’s ” kid” again!
Post # 10
Mourning is a process, and everyone goes through it differently, and at differing times. I lost my Mom 7 years ago, and for the first year I was really lost. My sisters were the same, and we wondered what she did to us to make us miss her so terribly? Even after all this time, we, as a family, can hardly talk about her and laugh, and its already been so long….maybe we’re just overly emotional in general, and that’s why it has been so hard.
Since you have an uncertain timeline, maybe have your wedding sooner rather than later. You’ll be thinking about him, but you won’t have those breakdown times where you just want to curl up and be alone, because he will still be here. As hard as it might be, I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to postpone any longer for his sake, even if weddings mean very little to him.
Post # 11
You will be sad either way. Now, that he is dwindling and later when he passes. If I were you, I’d continue with my plans now. He would be happy to know (even if he is not there) that you are getting married to your man and that you will have a good life. This may make him feel secure which is a grand feeling for a suffering parent. But the most important person you should ask is him. If he is not coherent, then just tell him your plans (they listen even if they can’t talk) and chat about your plans happily. If you are happy, he is happy. Don’t feel guilty or bad because you are getting married. Celebrate and know that he loves you and wants the best for you. He wants you to be happy and I feel that a wedding would mean a great deal to him now or in the future. Remember, now is all we really have. And, in living in this moment, though you have sorrow, you should experience joy as you prepare for a new future. He would want you to do that. Get some grieving counseling if you need to. Best of luck!
Post # 12
Thank you all for your insights.
We’ve decided to not book anything for that August idea (as much as I was looking forward to visiting that area). I was starting to loose sleep from the worry of colliding incidents.
We’ll just wait until he passes, and I’m ready to move on. I just hate that I don’t know when that will be and therefore I cannot plan anything in advance. Where we pick will be so dependent on which month it ends up being.
FI says I like to control things and here are three major events that I have no control over (his passing, my mourning and our wedding) and it’s really, really difficult.
I think my dad would want us to go on like nothing happened, but truthfully, my pain is going to trump his wishes especially if it’s so close.
Post # 13
@sienna76: SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAD…U MUST ALSO REMEMBER THAT GOD HAS THE LAST SAY SO…MY DAD PASSED ON MARCH 8 2010 AND I WAS IN SCHOOL TAKING MY NURSING FINALS, I HAD TURNED MY PHONE OFF AND FORGOT TO TURN IT ON AND HAD MADE IT ALMOST TO MY HOUSE AND IT THEN HIT ME THAT HADN’T NO ONE CALLED ME WHILE ENROUTE HOME THAT WAS ODD..MAKING A LONG STORY SHORT SWEETIE, DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER AND NOT OTHERS..I AM MARRIED THE SECOND TIME AND MY DAD IS NOT HERE AND I STILL MISSES HIM, AND IT GONNA BE HARD HAVIN TO WALK DOWN THE ISLE AND NOT KNOWIN HE’S THERE, BUT I WILL DO THIS I WILL LIGHT A MEMORY CANDLE FOR HE WILL BE IN HEAVEN WATCHIN OVER ME….CONGRATULATIONS AND ASK THE LORD FOR GUIDANCE
Post # 14
Thank you all.
My dad passed away on June 1, 2012. I made it home in time to be by his bedside for 5 hours. Here’s my post about my trip home.
We would have had a wedding to put on in one month, but we’re pretty glad that we did cancel it.
What to do now for our wedding is just not on my radar right now. Maybe in a month we’ll talk about this again and see what we want to do. Not sure if we want guests or not. But that will be figured out later.
Post # 15
I lost my father on May 18th, 2012.
We found out he had stage 4 cancer in February.
He started Chemo and radiation in March through April. At the end of that, he was at stage 3.
On May 8th, Daddy had surgery to take out 1/3 of his stomach and 3/4ths of his esophagus. Everything went well and test showed he was down to stage one. This was on a Tuesday. Daddy was doing well when we visited on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday afternoon he was doing better and had some tubes removed.
By Friday night, shit hit the fan and Daddy had sepsis, along with MRSA and had to go on a ventilator.
He never recovered and only got worse.
By the following Thursday night, we had to make the decision to let him go.
I’ll never be the same and I’ll never stop missing him.
Post # 16
I lost my mom about 2 years ago and I’m STILL terrified of how I’m going to react on my wedding day.