Haven't spoken to my MIL in almost a year…advice

posted 3 years ago in Toronto
Post # 3
46 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

If she has realized that her behaviour is actually hurting her (taking away time she could have spent with her son), then maybe she’s just waiting for you to make the first move and extend the olive branch. If she seems like she can be reasonably talked to, tell her that her speech hurt and was a very public humiliation, and that’s why you have chosen to stay away but you want to be a close family and hope that she has accepted you. But your husband should be able to help with some of this too, to make things mend. It would be easier to hear it from her own son that he didn’t like what she did and that it was inappropriate.

Sometimes, the grandkids (if you plan on having any) helps – they will have to swallow their pride if they want to spend time with the little ones, who are going to be most attached to their moms.

Post # 4
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ouch…that’s hurtful.  I’d let hubby handle this one though.  He needs to make a lunch date, phone date, or something with her and discuss how her behavior has harmed HIM.  She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings, and she’s HIS mom, so he needs to step up!  (Plus, he knows her personality better than you, and would know how to convey the message that she needs to say sorry for what she’s done).  

I wouldn’t talk to her until you get the go-ahead from your husband that he’s talked it out with her and she’s (1) agreed to apologize to you and (2) to try and get to know you.  She needs to know first that her relationship with her son is on the line if she doesn’t try to work it out with you.  I have experience with these issues from watching my paternal grandmother and my mom battle it out over the years…they tried to work it out among themselves, without my dad, and their relationship has not been okay in the 24 years I’ve known them.  It is extremely risky to try and have a hard conversation with someone you don’t know well, whom you’ve been thrust into a familiy relationship with…I don’t recommend it.

Post # 6
46 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

I kind of figure she wasn’t ready to accept – it takes quite a character to do what she did on your wedding day, and really bring on humiliation to herself in front of her family and friends. It shows her character, her lack of grace, rather than shows on you. She wasn’t even there for her son, she wasn’t trying to make that day the best day of her only son’s life, she used her speech to carry out her own agenda in some ways. 

If you don’t need an apology, then maybe you can just extend the olive branch through some nice gestures, like making her some cookies on mother’s day, or out of the blue, that kind of thing. You can get your husband to deliver – at this point that might be best. It shows you are not holding a grudge. And hopefully, one day, things will work out. I am very sure the kids will change the picture a lot. 

Post # 7
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

@mrspw:  Be the bigger person and try and extend an olive branch… be cautious though. If she keeps it up, have a sit down with your husband – you tried… but she didn’t meet you even part way.

Post # 8
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would let your husband handle this. Blood talks to blood and since his mother is clearly irrational and immature, she would probably be more receptive to her son discussing her behavior.

You could also try letting your MIL know that you were hurt by her behavior, but you would also like to put the unfortunate incidents behind you and build a healthier relationship.

I am very respectful and loving to my MIL, even when she is not very easy to be around. I don’t react or talk back when my MIL is rude, so that I look like the bigger person and she looks like an idiot.

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