Post # 1
So my husband and I were married almost a year ago, and I haven’t seen my mother in law since the wedding day.
What happened was this: She and I never really got along. I could always tell she didn’t like me too much and was upset that I was “taking her son away from her”. We had a fight a week before the wedding over the rehersal dinner. She yelled at me for trying to help plan the dinner, and in turn I got very upset. At the rehearsal dinner, everyone made speeches about my husband and I. My MIL got up and gave a very random speech about her son, and how great his. She did not mention me once. She did not welcome me into the family or anything. Zero reference to me whatsoever.
To add insult to injury, along came the wedding day and she did the exact same thing! She got up to do her speech and she talk all about my husband and what a great little kid he was. She didn’t mention the wedding…or me. It was insane and everyone noticed…for sure.
I was pretty hurt so I decided to stay clear of her after the wedding for a little while. Well, a little while has turned into a year! Any advice as to what to do? This situation is a little out of control at this point and I know it’s causing my husband a lot of pain.
Post # 3
If she has realized that her behaviour is actually hurting her (taking away time she could have spent with her son), then maybe she’s just waiting for you to make the first move and extend the olive branch. If she seems like she can be reasonably talked to, tell her that her speech hurt and was a very public humiliation, and that’s why you have chosen to stay away but you want to be a close family and hope that she has accepted you. But your husband should be able to help with some of this too, to make things mend. It would be easier to hear it from her own son that he didn’t like what she did and that it was inappropriate.
Sometimes, the grandkids (if you plan on having any) helps – they will have to swallow their pride if they want to spend time with the little ones, who are going to be most attached to their moms.
Post # 4
Ouch…that’s hurtful. I’d let hubby handle this one though. He needs to make a lunch date, phone date, or something with her and discuss how her behavior has harmed HIM. She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings, and she’s HIS mom, so he needs to step up! (Plus, he knows her personality better than you, and would know how to convey the message that she needs to say sorry for what she’s done).
I wouldn’t talk to her until you get the go-ahead from your husband that he’s talked it out with her and she’s (1) agreed to apologize to you and (2) to try and get to know you. She needs to know first that her relationship with her son is on the line if she doesn’t try to work it out with you. I have experience with these issues from watching my paternal grandmother and my mom battle it out over the years…they tried to work it out among themselves, without my dad, and their relationship has not been okay in the 24 years I’ve known them. It is extremely risky to try and have a hard conversation with someone you don’t know well, whom you’ve been thrust into a familiy relationship with…I don’t recommend it.
Post # 5
Sorry – I should have added that my husband has tried a couple of times to broach the subject with her. He’s told her that it was very hurtful what she did and that even if she had/has issues with me, our wedding was not a place to bring attention to this.
She became very defensive and said that the reason she didn’t mention me in the speech was because I was yelling at her the week before the wedding (false) and that I was looking at her with eyes of hatred on the wedding day (false again).
I really don’t get the sense that she is in a place to talk about it, and my husband has told me that I really shouldn’t expect an apology from her because she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong.
I am starting to think it’s a lost cause. It’s too bad our wedding day caused so much strife.
Thanks for your advice though! Hopefully it turns around eventually.
PS – regarding kids, she one told my husband (months before the wedding) that she hopes she will be able to see her grandchildren once or twice. He’s an only child so she was definitely referring to our children. What a weird thing to say!
Post # 6
I kind of figure she wasn’t ready to accept – it takes quite a character to do what she did on your wedding day, and really bring on humiliation to herself in front of her family and friends. It shows her character, her lack of grace, rather than shows on you. She wasn’t even there for her son, she wasn’t trying to make that day the best day of her only son’s life, she used her speech to carry out her own agenda in some ways.
If you don’t need an apology, then maybe you can just extend the olive branch through some nice gestures, like making her some cookies on mother’s day, or out of the blue, that kind of thing. You can get your husband to deliver – at this point that might be best. It shows you are not holding a grudge. And hopefully, one day, things will work out. I am very sure the kids will change the picture a lot.
Post # 7
@mrspw: Be the bigger person and try and extend an olive branch… be cautious though. If she keeps it up, have a sit down with your husband – you tried… but she didn’t meet you even part way.
Post # 8
I would let your husband handle this. Blood talks to blood and since his mother is clearly irrational and immature, she would probably be more receptive to her son discussing her behavior.
You could also try letting your MIL know that you were hurt by her behavior, but you would also like to put the unfortunate incidents behind you and build a healthier relationship.
I am very respectful and loving to my MIL, even when she is not very easy to be around. I don’t react or talk back when my MIL is rude, so that I look like the bigger person and she looks like an idiot.