- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
Hi, Bees. I am having a bit of a hard time lately, as the title suggests. I am feeling like at every direction I turn I am being bombarded.
A little bit of back story about one of the big things – FI works as a contractor for a defense company. Last year around July, they started ramping up a “deployment” (what they call rolling out and testing a product for their customer – the military) and FI slowly lost his Fridays off (he works 9.5 hr days and is off every other Friday), then his weekends, then started staying later and later at work, and THEN was sent out of state from basically September up to Christmas. He missed our birthdays, Halloween (our fave holiday), and our anniversary. We never had a game plan, never knew what was going to happen until the night before or day of, and basically our lives were completely tentative for that entire length of time. I could not reliably commit to anything and could make no plans. It took a toll on our relationship, and afterwards, FI moved into a positon that was *supposed* to be better and not at risk for deployments in the future.
Fast forward to now, and not only are they doing another deployment, but THIS deployment will determine whether they lose funding on their project….and two people quit, so FI and his small team are basically doing the jobs of three people at once. So not only will this deployment be worse, but FI could lose his job..and is doing the job that he moved away from so that he wouldn’t have to do this again. This deployment is scheduled to go on display for the brass in October, and FI has already started to stay later and later at work. In addition, we actually made birthday plans (for end of September) that I have had to cancel, and we made plans to go away tomorrow for a day trip. I’m currently waiting for him to come home and tell me whether he has to work or not because they told them they’re losing their Fridays again. I really need this day trip and more than likely, it’s not gonna happen.
I’m really upset because here we go, round two, and it’s likely that not only will he miss our birthdays again, but it’s extremely likely that he is going to be shipped out of state and won’t be back until right before our wedding in November….leaving me here alone to try to plan it all.
On top of that, I am in school full time. I am taking my final exam for my summer course this evening, and actually have a break until Sept. 5 when the semester ramps up and I go back to a full set of classes. I’m really upset that right when I’m more available, FI is starting to disappear. I work full time as well, and I get up very early for work. Now that he’s staying later we’re seeing less of each other. It’s very hard for me.
On another front, my Grandfather was diagnosed with nonhodgkins lymphoma back around Christmas and we found out not long ago that the chemotherapy did not work. He is too old for radiation and they are sending him to a specialist. He may or may not be at the wedding, and he is supposed to give me away. We are very close and it’s breaking my heart to think about.
I have also been having some medical issues that have progressively worsened over the last couple years and next week I will be going for a full blood panel. I feel like I’m spending all of my time at the doctor and it’s getting tiresome.
On top of THAT, my MoH is pissed off at me for a silly reason and hasn’t spoken to me since Tuesday. I’m going to give her until Monday and then say something and try to work it out.
I feel like no matter what I do, I’m just being pulled further and further into a lot of stress and as things ramp up, I am afraid I won’t be able to keep up with all of it. I’m terrified of having to try to work, plan our wedding alone, AND do full time school.
I guess more than anything, I just need a hug! Lol.