Post # 1
Mr. Fishie doesn’t want kids. Like, he seemed almost aggressive when his cousin made some innocent remark about him being a father one day. I didn’t want kids either. Sure, when I was in middle school I said I wanted a boy and a girl. But that was in the days before it really matters because, seriously, I was 12. Then as I got older and into high school, I fell into the boat of not wanting to have kids because they’re expensive and annoying and gross, etc. I met Mr. Fishie in 11th grade and I remember telling him one time when it came up in conversation (these were our pre-dating days) that I thought he would make a good father but I remember him voicing concerns over turning out like his own father (deadbeat, never around, has literally almost 30 children- very few of whom he’s involved with, in and out of prison for drugs and other crimes, con man, etc.) Anyway, fast forward to the winter after high school (2010) and we started dating at the end of November and started talking about the serious stuff (moving in together, getting married, etc.) really quickly. Kids, of course, came up and we were both kinda eh about having kids but he said he would have a kid with me. As we’ve gotten deeper into our relationship (nearly a year and a half now) I’ve started, in the last few months, to lean more towards possibly wanting a kid or two. And as I’ve leaned that way, Mr. Fishie seems to be getting more and more anti-child. I haven’t really let on because I’m not quite sure where I stand and he’s made it clear where he does. It isn’t super important to me so I don’t feel the need to get into a conversation about whether or not to have kids because 1- it’s only been a year and a half and 2- I’m not sure myself that I want a lifelong commitment to someone I won’t meet until it’s far too late to change my mind. But on the other hand, we came into this relationship with serious intentions for this to be a serious relationship and something else we came in with was a mutal lack of desire for children. I feel like he deserves to know I might be having a change of heart. I think at the moment I’m more in a “I don’t intend of actually trying to conceive but if it happens, it happens and I’ll be the best damn mother I can be” kind of state… I think.
Long story short, I’m confused about what I want and I feel like I should let him know I don’t have a solid position anymore but I don’t know if the conversation would be worth it. What do I do?
Post # 3
I think every person deep down wants to have a family. How will you feel if you’re old and you have no one to care for you? I don’t mean to offend you..
My grandmother was in a nursing home for a short while and I met several people there that were married, but did not have children. They all said they regreted not having kids because now they are just in a nursing home waiting to die. They have no one to care for them or to love them because their parents were dead and so were all their friends.
You Fi is scared of being a father because his father was a douche. He’s scared he might end up like him, but every person is different. You don’t know what type of a father you’re going to be until you have kids.
I didn’t want kids at first too until I visited my grandma in the nursing home. Ever since then, I want kids. I cannot imagine my life without them. I plan on having one of my own and adopting as well.
I know kids can be annoying at times, but if they are your kids, I am pretty sure you will love them no matter what.
Before you have kids, adopt a dog from a shelter or become a foster parent for animals or humans. Or even become an animal bottle feeder. You can sign up to be a volunteer through your local shelter.
The reason why I suggest these is because these are the things that will make you feel like you’re responsible for another life. Caring for a day old orphaned kitten is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, so far. Knowing you saved a life is the most rewarding. If you can do that, you can very well be a wonderful parent.
Post # 4
What you just posted is insulting on so many levels.
First of all, a family does not have to include children. My SO and I are a family, whether we have pets or kids.
Secondly, not eveybody has a deep down desire to have ‘a family’ – as you define it. I certainly don’t.
Also, just because you have kids does NOT mean they will look after you when they are old, I know many people in nursing homes who have families that don’t visit. And by your logic, why aren’t you looking after you grandparents?
I’m not trying to personally attack you or anything but your post did get to me. Maybe that’s my fault – maybe I’m being too sensitive.
To the OP:
There are a few thread on here about being CFC, with links to other blogs and forums you may find useful to read. I would definitely recommend speaking to your partner about it, and ultimately decider if it’s a dealbreaker for either of you. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 5
@Koi Fishie – I think the reaction for many younger men is to be “kids? um.. no kids please…” A lot of men that I’ve known for several years, when in their teens and early 20s, didn’t want kids. But around 25-30, they change their mind to want kids. (I’m not saying to wait around and hope he changes his mind though. I’m just saying the idea of kids scares a lot of younger guys.)
This is definately something to talk to him about and make sure you’re on the same page, and make sure he doesn’t think you want kids right now, but someday in the future.
Post # 6
My mother always told me that you should never expect someone to change, simply because you have. If you want children, and not having them will be a deal breaker you need to voice this opinion to your SO and don’t waiver.
I firmly believe that 3 conversations HAVE to happen before deciding to get married:
1) Will we have children
2) How will we care for our parents/family when they need care
3) What are our “ultimate goals” for life
If you have widely differing views on any of these, I think it has the potential for MAJOR issues down the road
Post # 7
@Mrs.SleepyKitty: You’re not being too sensitive – that first post’s idea that children should be had so you arent alone in a nursing home (and to fulfill the idea of a nuclear family) is ignorant and frankly, as someone also on the fence about children, unhelpful.
OP, I think you should talk to your guy, not in a decisive way that you must have kids (since hats not what you said), but that he knows it’s not black and white for you. As you move forward things will come up that are awkward to talk about but you should have open lines of communication and a willing, accepting ear to listen. It’s important to broach this subject before marriage. And I think your position is totally reasonable and he should get a fair chance to consider it.
Post # 8
I think you definitely need to broach the subject with him. Whether or not you want kids is a HUGE thing to disagree about in a serious relationship (I know you said you aren’t sure either way at this point but that is still in disagreement to his firm “no kids” stance). He deserves to know how you are feeling about this.
Post # 9
This is one of those things that you have to be on the same page about or else it causes huge problems down the road in a relationship. You shouldnt have to give up the hope and dream of someday maybe being a mother, he shouldnt be forced to be a parent if his heart is not in it.
That being said, I know that my FI never wanted kids. I have been honest with him in how much I do want them. He now is warming up to the idea, but he does not pressure me to decide yes or no. He gives me the OPTION as to whether or not we someday have them, and that means a lot to me. He isnt against it, but he is not chomping at the bit at the moment. Having that option, and knowing my partner is 100% ok with whether we do or don’t, means so much to me.
No matter what is going on, you need to seriously talk about it.
Post # 10
@MRSLMA: 100% agreed! I think so many people think they’ll cross those bridges when they get there, not realizing how important it is to be on the same page ahead of time!!!
@babylo0n: Wow, that’s not a very kind statement to make to many people out there. There are quite a few people in the world who are unable to bear children… so they are sentenced to die alone in a nursing home? I’ve seen a lot of active elderly people who are enjoying their lives, NOT living in nursing homes and not dependent on their adult children to provide entertainment and society for them. Additionally, not everyone wants a family bigger than themselves and their spouse. Yes, 2 people can make a family. Urging people to have children for the sake of meeting your definition of “family” and because they’ll one day be old is not responsible. People should have children because they want to devote their lives to a LIFELONG committment to raising a human being, through the good times and bad.
ETA: There is no guarantee that when you’re old, your children will still be alive or be able to care for you.
Post # 11
@MrsWrangler: That’s a perfect way to put it, “black and white.” I’m definitely a dark grey at this point but I’m not nearly as “black” as I used to be, or as my SO is.
@PeaceLoveLaughter: I wouldn’t say it’s a hope/ dream but it’s a little idea floating in my head.
@babylo0n: I’ve had pets my entire life. We have three cats that were abandoned at about a week (probably much less actually) old and had to be fed kitten formula for weeks. That stuff smells and one kept throwing it up because her liver is too big for her body and was squishing her stomach and other vital food- consumption organs (that’s a technical term, didn’t you know? ;P lol)
I don’t know if his agressive resistance to the idea is because having a kid in the near future would be such a terrible thing (his parents told him that if he got me pregnant- which would be a crazy fluke because we’re sooooooooper responsible- they would cut all support which, though he has a decent job and is pretty responsible, would make life extremely hard for him) or because he really doesn’t want kids. I don’t know if he’s gotten farther away from the idea as we’ve been together longer, like how I’ve gotten closer to it, or if the idea just scares him because now would be a bad time. Because he did at one point say he’d have a kid with me. At a later date, he said he doesn’t want kids (which, except for that one time, is what he’s always said) but would adopt/ foster older kids. Now everytime it comes up, he’s all like O_O GRRR NO CHILDREN GRRR O_O
@MadameTussaud: Yeahhhhh… that’s kind of a sticking point for me- the whole life long commitment thing. I’m not even gonna know the kid until it’s born and it’s a little difficult to back out then. (As awful as this is gonna sound…) If a marriage doesn’t work out, there’s divorce. If being a parent doesn’t work… well, too bad, you’re pretty much stuck.
I kinda sorta think the seed was planted in my mind when people I went to high school with started having kids. A girl I was friends with, who graduated the year before I did, has a little boy just over year old. Another girl, again who graduated a year before me, just had a little boy a month ago. A few other people I knew have had kids (Facebook stalking keeps me informed ;P) and I think it made some maternal instincts kick in…
Post # 12
@Koi Fishie: You definitely need to let him know what’s maybe going on in your head, even if it’s just as casual as a “Hey, you know how we were both solid black on that whole kid thing? I think I might be a teensy bit closer to dark gray now. Just a heads up.”
Good luck whichever way things go!
Post # 13
@Koi Fishie: Definitely have an open, honest discussion with your SO. Sometimes it helps just to talk through the process of some feelings. You’re right, it’s not just 18 years, it’s lifelong. And whether the child is perfect, has physical disabilities, or mental disabilities, you’re signed on to be that child’s parent – caregiver, teacher, protector, it has a lot of roles within the title of “parent.” Just make sure that whatever decision you come to is right for you and what you want for your life, not the all-powerful ‘wanting what you can’t have’ instinct. Some women on here can’t bring themselves to get permanent sterilization because they fear that it will cause them to want what they can’t have, and conversely seeing your friends on facebook showing their updates and pictures of their kids may also affect how you’re feeling about it. For me personally, I remind myself that those people never post pictures and cutesy updates when their kid poops all over their new shirt or takes a golf club to the tv, lol
I don’t want to sway you in any way though, I truly want you to make a good decision that you’ll never regret and be happy with. Look to what you want for your future… what do you see for yourself?
Post # 14
I don’t know what I see in my future. I suppose I can see myself being a mother and watching my children grow. But I can also see myself with just SO and leading a completely different life.
I guess I just don’t know how/ when to say something. Like, the subject will come up (often because my mom wants me to have kids) and he’ll go all O_O GRR NO CHILDREN and I used to give a pretty similar (but less aggressive) answer but now I just kind of stay silent or mumble something about how kids are brats or something and I don’t want him to catch on like that because then we’ll fall into that conversation and I’m terrible when I fall into a serious conversation. I never say what I mean the right way and it ends up with me trying to fix whatever I said in the first place that didn’t come out right, which leads to more stuff coming out wrong. And I don’t want to sit him down and have a “talk” because that would just be awkward for the both of us, especially him, and I’m sure the whole thing would come across as me being WAY more serious about possibly having kids than I am and he’ll think I’m down playing it for his sake. I mean, I guess the best course of action would be like @LittleSu: “Hey, you know how we were both solid black on that whole kid thing? I think I might be a teensy bit closer to dark gray now. Just a heads up.” or something like that next time my mom starts hinting that she wants grandkids (thought I’d wait until she left the room! lol) so I guess it’s a matter of getting the balls to do it one of these days. I mean, right now is most certainly not a good time. We’ve got finals coming up and we’re in the middle of our bachelor’s degrees and we’ve both got jobs that consume pretty much all the time we’re not in class and he’s almost always in some sort of fight with his mom about somthing. And it’s gonna likely be another year and a half to two years before we can live together/ get officially engaged (mostly because of stuff with his parents and their tendency to be quick to threaten cutting off support). So I just don’t know. I think I’m overthinking it. If I play it right, it can be an offhand comment that will be a bit of a surprise and nothing more. Just as long as he knows. But now that I’m overthinking it, it’s gonna be awful trying to get myself to do it and now choke up and end up sounding awkward >_<
But thanks ladies 🙂 It’s nice to be able to get this stuff out. My mom and some friends have heard I’m not as against it as I used to be but I’m yet to be comfortable/ confident enough to go past “I’m not 100% against having kids” and actually flesh out what I’m thinking.
Post # 15
Maybe it would help if you sat down and wrote out your thoughts and feelings, sort of like a journal entry. It’s a completely neutral place to put your craziest thoughts without being judged and without worry of how it’ll come across to anyone. It might help you sort of define your feelings on the subject, even if it means that you’re simply on the fence about having kids. Look back at it once in awhile, add to it sometimes, and it’ll become a process in eventually coming to an answer.
Then, when you’re ready to discuss this further with your SO, you’ll feel more collected and rational about it rather than feeling like a flood of mixed emotions.
Post # 16
@MadameTussaud: Thanks 🙂 That’s perfect. My thoughts on things that could potentially become a legit serious discussion always need some editing, rethought, and time to stew. Because they usually sound crazy and definitely like a flood of mixed emotions even to me, let alone my poor SO!