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I think when it comes to "picking your battles" only you can decide which issues are the most important. If this issue is a big deal to you, definitely talk to your FI about it. Communication is key. Personally I'm not a fan of smoking either but I think the bigger issue is how your FI handles stress. Good luck!
Who says the coversation has to be a battle? If this is something that bothers you, then you should talk to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel, and that it makes it worry about his unhealthy way of dealing with stress, and you don't want him to compromise his health in such a way. Remember, communication is sooo important in relationships, so communicate your feelings with him.
Talk to him about it in a friendly way.
Just tell him about what you've noticed and ask him about the stress and if there's anything you can do to help him. Perhaps suggest a glass of wine before bed leading to . . . so he is sure to go to bed at the same time.
@lillindy I was thinking along the same lines as you but I couldn't have said it as well! I agree it doesn't have to be a fight or a "battle" but a discussion. Don't attack him. Sit him down and calmly express your feelings and conern and let him talk as well.
Good luck!
Lol, bvig I like the idea. But he just doesn't go to sleep at the same time as I do. I usually go to sleep at like 12am and sometimes he's still at work or the wine and stuff happens then I go to bed and he claims he's not tired. Normally it doesn't bother me but every once in awhile it does. Just yesterday I told him that if there was anything I can do to help relieve his stress that I would do it and I've taken the initiative to prove that.
So anyway, I did speak to him. You're right, it doesn't have to be a battle but I'm so used to him getting defensive which always ends up escalating the situation. We don't argue often so I hate the idea that we may. I told him that I was upset that I saw him doing this and he said there's really no justification for it and he thinks its wrong too (funny because an hour ago it was perfectly acceptable... I didn't say this to him but I was thinking it!). The problem was that he called me while he was in front of co-workers so it was a very short, kinda criptic convo. I left it up to him to find time to talk about it again. At least I was able to say my piece, and it didn't turn into an argument.
I think what you mean whether you should just let go or if its a big deal. I do think its a big deal, because he has problems with partying in the past. Also drinking alone and hiding drinks is a red flag. I also just caught my FI smoking after he quit 2 years ago when he smoked for 15 years. I was very upset.
I tried not come across angry or like a mother scolding her child. I just said I was really concerned and worried about him spiraling back into full on smoking. He told me its hard and that he thinks about smoking every day for the past two years. It's hard for me to understand because I don't have any habits like that, but I am trying to help him and encourage him to positively handle his stress. His company is on the verge of closing so its hard. I have been trying to get him into working out and taking walks outside- just something healthy.
My heart goes out to you and I will pray he is receptive to your concern. You should definitely address this now before it gets worse possibly
i would definetly talk to him about it, and the fact that he seems a little "sneaky" while he's doing these things and not sharing with you. this subject is very close to my heart, it was a battle for over 7 years with an ex, as he would constantly tell me he wasn't smoking when he was. only when we broke up did he come clean and say he smoked our entire relationship.
It definitely doesn't have to be a battle, as others have said, but in the context of the phrase, this battle is worth bringing up again.
I know some people don't see it as an issue, but smoking is a big deal to me as well. If I found out my husband was smoking during our engagement, it unfortunately would be a serious problem since it's that important to me. Personally, I know that smoking and drinking are vices for stress, but that doesn't mean they're okay or acceptable, especially since cigarettes are so addicting.
I agree with others that this is worth talking about. To keep it from becoming a battle, here's some ideas:
Think of the smoking as a symptom, not the problem itself. I would try to explore why he is smoking (stress reduction? socialization?) and then brainstorm to address those issues in other ways. Good luck and I am sure you'll get through this!
If he will come out and say he handles stress by smoking I think you have a starting point. My husband used to drink a lot to hide from his feelings. We've worked through that and he's only done it 2 times since our engagement. Once he's sober, we calmly talk about how its ok to drink a little, but not to drink to hide feelings and pain and that that's what I'm here for to help you work through your emotions. It really helps if they know that your on their team, not "yelling" at them.
If you can reassure him that your on his side and that your willing to help him, maybe he'll be more open to what your saying and not get defensive.
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Help! I'm trying to decide whether there is a potential fight worth having, here's the story:
My FI and I work in the same neighborhood. I was walking back from lunch and I saw him smoking a cig. He's not a smoker. I know this sounds like no big deal but we've had numerous fights about his smoking when he drinks. I hate it. I don't intend to offend smokers here, but I'm allergic to it so I don't want it around me (I seriously start to cough and lose my voice), and I'll never want it around our future children either. I have told him explicitly that I will not be with a smoker! Now, here's the trick- he's been under a lot of stress. Working long hours, his money being messed up causing an inability to save for the wedding. This may be his stress relief but its not a good habit to develop, ya know? And, I'm afraid this may spiral into drinking a bit more than usual, which was his previous vice. I've been noticing cans of beer from him drinking well after I've gone to bed, seems sneaky. This was also a source of contention a couple of years ago. I have just been trying so hard to be understanding but this is so bothersome!