Post # 1
So I’m having a bad day…. I’m at work till 7 in the morning (started at 7pm) and I have a raging headache. Really considering telling my Lieutenant I’m going home…
So I’ll keep this short, but I really need to vent…
So I’ll start with my bridesmaids. (I know! touchy subject right?) well, in my case…. I think it is justified. I have spent over a month scheduling their hair stylist, make up artist…. the whole 9 yards. They don’t have to pay for it because I am gifting them all of it. I had finally come to an agreement with the hair stylist and everything was set up ready to go. But apparently me paying for it isn’t good enough. They hate the fact that I decided on up dos instead of hair down so I had to hear all about it from my FSIL (because they don’t have the nerve to tell me). The best part is, as long as it is up…. I could care less how you do it! Go crazy! It is your hair after all…. I’m not having them all do the same thing. I’m giving them free range to pick whatever up do they feel like they want to do. However, apparently that isn’t good enough. Oh and don’t get me started on the makeup artist. Apparently they all hate her? (I think she is fantastic, go back to my trial post and you’ll see what she did to my face) so now they don’t want to do their make up with her. DID I MENTION IT WAS FREE??????? So I am at a point where I am ready to cancel it all and tell them it is their responsibility now and good luck, we are meeting at 1. Is this wrong? Am I being unreasonable? Hair whatever as long as it is up, makeup of their choice, FREE. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable…. but they are taking me for a ride and I’m over it. When people give me a gift I say thank you, I don’t tell them “oh crap….. you got me the wrong color!!!”
Then my FI and the in laws are touching a nerve. My FSIL is in charge of making reservation of tables for bridal shower, her baby shower and our rehearsal party. She’s been in charge of this for 2 months. My shower invitations are out, my MOH has received almost every RSVP and the tables haven’t been called. I am off work tomorrow so I asked her for the number so I can call. I’ll call for all 3 events while I’m at it. Apparently that was a huge NONO for them? They took it as “I don’t want anyone’s help” when in reality it is “hey, I’m off on a Monday, I’ll give them a call since you’ll be at work anyway”. I really don’t understand. So now my FI is telling me to relax and let them handle it as if I was throwing a shit fit Bridezilla style. I was just honest to God just trying to be helpful…. besides, I’m an only child, I have never asked for help just because. I am used to asking for help when I truly really need it.
Anyway I’m so over this crap. I feel blessed because my FI is a freaking doll and love him to pieces, but this wedding is freaking killing me softly.
A little background….. I am planning a full traditional Syrian wedding (I am from Spain….). My side of the guest list is 60 people including my parents… the other 471 are from his side. I’ve been to 1 wedding of theirs in our entire relationship. Oh and we have 10 groomsmen and bridesmaids because in their culture they always do even numbers (I wish I had 3 or 4….. you know, normal number?). So I’m planning a wedding I don’t know how to plan….. which means any chance I get to get something checked off the list, I take it. I am not a procrastinator by any means so I am just trying to get everything taken care of. Again, not a bad thing.
Alright……rip me apart….. or not…. thanks for reading…. a virtual hug would be greatly appreciated… if not then that’s fine too.
Post # 2
You’re not being unreasonable, they are. I’m sorry you’re having deal with all of that.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
I don’t think anyone can rip you apart for the way that you’re feeling! Planning a wedding is emotional and stressfull even without all of this drama. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be organised!
Where I’m from, the bridesmaids wear the dress, hair and makeup that the bride chooses. This is what you sign up for when you agree to be a bridesmaid. You have to fit in with the bride’s vision. I see no problem with this. I can’t understand why you’re getting so much resistance!
Post # 4
It sounds like you’re just frustrated with this whole process! Everyone has those days. Vent away until you feel better. I think the hair/makeup isn’t something every bridesmaid views as a gift. Instead some people think of it as an uncomfortable requirement. If they don’t want to use your MUA or your hair stylist, tell them that is fine, and they are welcome to secure whatever make up artist or hair stylist they like at their cost, or to do it themselves. As for the planning for the shower, goodluck. I really hope it turns out well, but one way or another it sounds like it isn’t going to be your responsibility. Check it off your list mentally and let it go as best you can. I hope it all turns out beautifully for you.
Post # 5
I would tell the bridesmaids that you have heard their concerns about the MUA and your choice of an updo, and ask those who want to be responsible for their own hair and makeup to let you know by _____, as you have to cancel their appointments if they choose not to take advantage of the appointments you have already made on their behalf.
If they want to keep the appointments you have made for them, you will assume they are ok with the updo and MUA.
Post # 6
That’s how I’ve always seen this whole bridesmaid thing go: the bride picks what she wants the bridesmaids to wear, they wear it, end of story. If they get to pick what they want within certain parameters, they do, and then that’s the end of it.
Where is all of this “I don’t like this; I don’t want to wear that; I should get to pick what I want” nonsense coming from? It’s ridiculous. They act as if the bride should have little to no say in what her bridesmaids wear. It’s absurd.
It’s like these people were born yesterday… (I’m talking specifically about the people who are in areas where this is the normal MO, not areas with other ways of doing things, by the way.)
Post # 7
annabanana85: Yeah that’s basically the way I went about the whole thing. The makeup artist is booked for their use if they please. If they want to do their own thing or pay for someone else that’s on them. I’m not cuffing anyone to the chairs that day I promise. The reason why I am paying for the hair for all 10 (it adds up….) is because I want them to have their hair up. If someone decides they don’t want to go with my hair stylist “because I heard she isn’t that great and I don’t feel comfortable going to her” then that’s fine, you can go where you are comfortable but I still want the hair to be up.
I have decided it is time to tell the Lieutenant I’m going home…. I don’t think another ass chewing can hurt at this point… specially from some lady I have to call ma’am for another month lol.
My whole goal with this wedding was for all my girls to be comfortable and happy and I’ve been easy going and haven’t asked them to do a thing. Even my MOH is calling me telling me she feels like a bad MOH because she’s not doing anything. I’m a planner, it entertains me. But at this point I feel like they are taking me for a ride.
Oh and the hair and makeup is a gift but isn’t their gift. They are of course getting a cute something on the bridal shower, not sure what yet. The hair and makeup is just me wanting them to look their best and feel pretty.
I don’t know, I’m so over this…..
Post # 8
Rhopalocera: yeah exactly. I’ve been a bridesmaid once and about to be a bridesmaid again in 2 weeks. The first time the bride had us all do side up dos (I paid for everything on that one). I DESPISE side updos on me. She doesn’t even know that and that was 2 years ago. Not only did I pay for it, but I did what she wanted because even then (I had been on 2 dates with FI at that time) because I know it is important to follow the brides wishes.
My friend getting married in 2 weeks is having all of us wear chucks under the long gown. Chucks KILL my feet. Not exactly my personal choice of footwear for a long gown but again, she will never know any of this. Because she is my friend and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t get what she wants that day.
But with me it was this way since day 1. Oh man…..the day I started looking at bridesmaid dresses…. I wanted to cry my way back to bed and not come out till next year! They were ruthless and the requests were pretty outrageous. I ended up saying here is the dress, this is how much it is, that is final, go get it. My FSIL again had to tell me how much they all hated the dress. Now they all like it once they saw it in the color I picked.
Headache after headache after headache….. I should invest in Excedrin bonds I swear.
Post # 9
MrsPiggles: Yeah, you sound like you’re being very reasonable about all of it. Go home, get some rest, and the bridesmaids can deal with their own hair and makeup, so long as its up! They should not be stressing you out about this.
Post # 10
julies1949: The funny thing about the choice of hair and makeup, they’ve known that was the place we were going to go to since FI proposed in January. They (hair and makeup) are part of the 471 people of his side and close friends. This was not news. But what pisses me off is that they waited until I had everything planned and booked to bitch about it. As if all of a sudden it was a surprise I was going to that hair salon. If they told me the first time I brought that place up, then I would’ve been open to other places. The more quotes the better, I’m all about a great deal.
Anyway, I am so frustrated with this whole process. I thought bridesmaids were supposed to be helpful, not the reason for all this stress. Granted I don’t really need the help. Isn’t that even better? Just show up and look a certain way! That is all I ask.
Post # 11
I think you have a good reason to be frustrated. Im not sure if happy, agreeable, and cooperative bridesmaids are the norm though… Especially when you’re dealing with 10. I really feel for you.
Post # 12
MrsPiggles: I think it’s because you have been nice and letting them do what they want. I know hair & makeup are super expensive, so they should be happy that you’re paying that much for them!
I’ve been easy breezy with my BM’s which is why I think that some of them don’t even bother responding. It’s very strange. I feel like it’s because I’d always say “what works for you?” that some of them are being unhelpful. I think we all have days where we want to kick the butts of our BM’s. They should be there to celebrate with you but also make your life easier! It’d be one thing if you were a bridezilla (which you don’t sound lke you are!) but when you’re being a good friend to them, I don’t get why some of them turn into such turds during the process.
I wish I only had a MOH and maybe 1 BM. My other 2 BM’s have given me so much stress but you can’t go back now!!
I would tell them to pay for themselves.
Post # 13
For my BMs I suggested up do or straight hair to avoid similarities with my hair style, still one came to me and told me, there was no way we’d look similar as I’d be on a wedding dress and veil…
You are not being unreasonable. Virtual hug!
Post # 14
MuseForever: Thank you!!!! They’ve moved on from the hair to…. “but I don’t want to walk down the aisle with him! pair me with someone else”. Yeah it is the never ending story. I swear I’m waiting for the flying dog to come by and pick me up for a ride.
I put my foot down honestly…. I told them this is how it will be done, when you get married, you’ll understand me. Till then……bear with me.
artdeco: You totally just made me giggle when you called the bridesmaids “turds” lol. I really didn’t want this many girls, like you said…. (FI wanted his 10 cousins and brother and in their culture they have to match so…..no choice in the matter) I would’ve been happy with my MOH and 2 other girls. Of course the rest of them are family and would’ve been there regardless but I don’t think the bridesmaids thing is working out so well. One of them just got engaged and didn’t pick me as a bridesmaid (I was so happy about that haha. She doesn’t believe in “married” bridesmaids (wtf?))
I use the “whatever works for you” thing all the time. But now that things are coming to an end and the nerves are setting in, I’m really not having any of it anymore. Like I said at the top of my response, they’ve moved on from complaining about hair and makeup to who they are walking down the aisle with. My FI already made it clear that he isn’t changing the order and neither am I so the girls are being a pain yet again.
Post # 15
Frustrating, always hard to manage large parties, especially when they don’t behave like respectful, mature adults.
I agree, I don’t see what there is to complain about when it comes to free hair and makeup with modest guidelines and I agree that if you’re a BM in a bridal party of 10 people, then you should expect modest guidelines, you can’t satify everyone. Unfortunately, people are sensitive about how they represent themselves and that includes personal appearance. I would ask yourself if it’s really that important to you to stick with your updo requirement. You can probably give on this. You’ll sleep better at night as a result.
With respect to who walks down the aisle with whom, I think you’re right to just ignore this, it’s <30 seconds, maybe even <15 seconds, just don’t respond.
On the bridal shower, how far out is the bridal shower? If it’s in the next month, then I can understand you getting frustrated and wanting to have the tables booked. If it’s further out, then, food for thought, your BM may feel like you didn’t give them a chance. I know they have shown themselves to be immature, but just trying to understand what their perspective may be. Also, food for thought, booking for all 3 events was probably a tad passive aggressive…it says “I can’t trust you to do anything important so I’m just going to do it myself.” Which, while it may be true, is unfortunately still potentially insulting, again just trying to think both all potential perspectives.