Having a rough weekend

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I can see how it is frustrating and confusing when your relationship is so good and you’re wondering why marriage wouldn’t be the next step? Your reasoning for wanting to make plans to marry and achieve other goals sound quite reasonable. 

May I ask how long have you been together? 

When you say you get the cold shoulder when bringing up marriage related comments, do you think he’s just a bit disinterested because it’s someone else’s life or that he’s actually avoiding the topic? 

I remember the period of waiting for my now-husband and I to be “officially” engaged. Some of that time period wasn’t very fun. I like to know what’s going to happen and when so not knowing would sometimes drive me bananas!


Post # 3
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

Have you told him why you want to get married? Just a thought. Honestly, your views of marriage are sound and grounded. Have you told him you want to be married, not to have a big, elaborate wedding, but just to be “officially” committed to him and to be able to take his name? 

I was much more open to the idea of marriage when my husband told me he didn’t want a huge, expensive wedding. I think a lot of men can have the fear and pressure of a perfect, elaborate proposal and then a half million dollar wedding that they don’t actually want that much. I have no idea if this is the case with you and your SO, but it’s a thought, if you haven’t been specific as to the real reason you want to get married. 

Set a real timeline, lay down your ideas of how long you want time to enjoy each other, when you want kids, etc. Then talk about how marriage fits into those desires. Honest and open communication is important and if you don’t have that now, you may not have it in your marriage either. 

Best of luck to you, OP. I hope it works out!

Post # 4
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

anotherbee00:  What a difficult situation 🙁 have you talked to him about YOUR timeline and concerns? How long have you been together?

I think you need to be stern with him. Tell him you need to talk in detail about this and you won’t take “no” for an answer… then be up front. Tell him the waiting is making you nervous for all the reasons above. Tell him about how/when you envision having kids and why you want to get married sooner than later. 

Then, if he’s still stubborn, consider setting a walk date a year to year and a half out.  He shouldn’t be playing with you goals in life in order to fulfill his own.

When my SO gave me a list of things he wanted to complete, I wouldn’t let him change them… I wouldn’t let him extend the timeline. One of his criteria was he wanted to settle into his new position at work, where I said, “what if you decide you dislike it? Are you going to wait until you find a new job and settle in there?” Lo and behold… he hates it. He also wanted to finish his bachelor’s, but decided shortly thereafter to take a few months off. I told him he can’t use those as excuses not to marry me. (He also wanted to buy a house to get his son into a better school district.  We moved, and my stepson’s mom enrolled him back into her school district anyways. )  I think he realized how serious I was, or how silly he was being, or a mix of both… but he stopped using excuses and my ring should be here any day now (through delivery! ) What I’ve learned is thar life happens… things don’t go exactly as planned…

I really hope you get to talk to your SO soon… like REALLY talk to him. Good luck! And keep us updated. 

Post # 5
3014 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It can be a struggle, but if you really want to be in a relationship that is going to last through years of who knows what hard stuff will come up in marriage, you NEED to be able to discuss things enough to at least know what page of the book your partner is looking at.  You need to get why he has changed from a few months to a few years, he needs to know that you are very serious about being in a marriage with him (and not just a big pretty day). 

If marriage is a step that is important to you and your core values, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you need to make sure he knows that. Being in a relationship for ten years with someone who feels perfectly committed without the hassle and expense of a big wedding, who doesn’t acknowledge that this leaves something missing for you is going to have an impact on you.


on the other hand, many men feel they have to be the provider in a marriage and don’t want to propose until they have reached that point… A promotion, a raise, a more secure position may be the next step for him before he feels like he is ready to get married. Maybe he sees those exams for that ticket to be a necessary step along the way to marriage.

Post # 6
7896 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

anotherbee00:  its your life too and your potential family on the line too- I don’t get why youre accepting that YOUR future is shrouded in mystery and up to his changing whims. You deserve to know where his head is at- and to be heard that this is important to you. I would also tell him that you are not happy to just play wife ad nauseum and commit to a mortgage with him with out a real relationship commitment. And tell him also your reasons for wanting marriage and that it doesn’t have to be crazy expensive. 

I would NOT buy a house with him with all this up in the air or youll be making this thread three years from now “he wanted to wait for his savings to recover after the house but now it’s been a year”…

If you’ve been dating over a year or two then he should know whether he wants to marry you or not or articulate what his true reservations are- you deserve the truth. If he’s unwilling to talk to you about it you gotta wonder if it’s just because he doesn’t want you to hear the cold hard truth. 

Post # 8
17 posts

Anotherbee00…..your SO sounds just like mine. We have technically been together longer (6 years….though 3.5 were long distance so we basically started over and are now at the 2.5 mark of really seeing eachother everyday and have a “normal” relationship) It has gotten worse lately because I feel like EVERYONE is getting engaged….people who have not even been together as long as us….and its so frustrating. Its crazy because I want to be happy for everyone else….but I get a little negative sometimes. I also want to be positive because I don’t want SO to see me pouting and then get the wrong idea. But the fact remains….that is the next logical step in this relationship. My advice to you, if you love him and want to be with him, is to give him the responsibility of taking that step. I think we (women) get so caught up in this engagement and marriage stuff that we take away that real choice from the man, because we are either talking him into it or telling him if he does not propose then we are done. Like  you guys….we are also planning to buy a house next year, and he seems like he has a plan in his head of when our enagagement will be. So, I am not promiing I won’t ask questions about it…..but I am trusting that he is going to do what he needs to do. For some men, I know my SO is like this…you just cannot tell them what to do. They have to make that decision on their own, and then its the greatest idea in the world 🙂

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