Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for 7 years and we have been engaged 2 years. The wedding is next year and all booked, paid for, dresses bought etc etc. I love my fiance more than anything but I felt like there was always something missing in the relationship; however it was similar in my previous relationships so I figured it was just me and accepted it. But we get along amazingly well, hardly ever argue and both of our families are so connected.
However I recently met a woman on a social networking site. We became online friends and now I’ve developed feelings for her. I don’t want to feel like this but now I’m worried that I have feelings for her, which I’ve NEVER had for my fiance. Maybe I was never meant to be with a man. I have never met this woman in real life (and I’m not saying I want to be with her) but she has already conjured up feelings that I’ve never had with my boyfriend.
What do I do? Breaking up with my fiance would DESTROY him… I really really don’t want to hurt him. But is it worth marrying him and feeling ‘unsatisfied’ for the rest of my life? I’m feeling so stressed and depressed about the situation. I’m now thinking this is something I’ve maybe always known but that I’ve put off thinking about it… however the wedding is now looming and it’s the realisation of what I’m letting myself in for. I was so young when we got together that maybe I wasn’t mature enough to realise that things weren’t as they are meant to be.
Post # 3
@Wondering87: It’s the feeling of something new. You’ll get over it in a month.
Post # 4
Im sorry the previous poster was so dismissive. Have you met this woman? What sort of feelings do you have for her that you don’t have for your FI? Have you ever had feelings for girls before?
Post # 5
@sept22insf: Thanks. No I haven’t met her but we talk more evenings than not via messages. We talk as friends, but I think she realises I feel more for her than that. It’s feelings of attraction, really. Of course I don’t know for sure if these feelings would be there if I met her in real life.
I have always known that I find women attractive but never known for sure if it was anything more than that. But I’ve never really had these feelings of attraction/intimacy with my fiance. I just thought it was a problem with me, though, until recently. We got together as teenagers and I don’t really have much other experience to compare to and none at all with women. We get on so well that everyone says we are the perfect couple because we don’t argue etc… but is being ‘best friends’ enough?
But after being together for nearly 8 years with a wedding booked and paid for (non refundable), dress bought, hen do etc all booked… either way I’m not sure I could bring myself to rock the boat. Also, it would destroy him. I could never live with myself.
Post # 6
@Wondering87: A life-long passionless marriage or subsequent divorce is likely going to do more to destroy his soul than a break-up now. Honestly, I think some individual counselling might be in order to help you understand these feelings and you need to really evaluate what you want out of life/marriage. I know some people are perfectly content in a “best-friends” marriage where sex is infrequent/unsatisfying, but I’m not one of them. I know because I’ve been there; tried and failed. I’ve been in the passionless marriage where we were roommates and got along great and didn’t argue etc… but it just didn’t truly fulfill either of us. After 5 years, it ended in divorce, and while we got a wonderful child out of the marriage, the relationship itself did nothing for either of us. When I met my now-DH, it was like I’d been electrocuted by passion. He still makes my blood sizzle. And we’re best friends on top of that. You can have both. It does exist, and if that’s something you think/know you need in life to be happy, then please don’t put that on hold just because you don’t want to hurt your fiance or lose the money. More than anything, I’m sure he wants you to be truly happy, whatever that means. Imagine you have a friend who comes to you with the same question; what advice would you give her? Enter into a passionless marriage, knowing that it doesn’t feel right in her heart? Or follow her dreams? There is nothing wrong with you; you just hadn’t found what you were looking for, yet.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove
If you strongly feel that leaving him would destroy him and you dont want to hurt him and ‘could never live with yourself.’ then I think that this would be the time you end contact with your online friend. Sometimes life throws you a curveball such as this at an inopportune moment and you’ve got to make those hard decisions. My suggestion would be to try new things with your fiance and see if you can work towards the ‘gaps’ in your relationship to fulfill the missing spaces.
Post # 8
@Wondering87: I want to preface what I am about to say with telling you that I am a woman who has been in relationships with both men and women during my lifetime. My overarching response is that you need to proceed with caution, for a variety of reasons. You have two main issues here: (1) you have developed emotional feelings for someone who makes you feel a way that your fiance, and exes have not made you feel and (2) sexual confusion/identity.
To begin with, you said that you have been with your fiance for 7 years and that something was always “missing” as in prior relationships. Can you identify what it is, that you believe was missing? Was it emotional? Physical? Sexual? Open Communication?
It seems to me, as though you feel some sort of emotional void or that you lack the ability to communicate openly with your fiance about issues that are important to you. I say this because you mentioned that you never met your online friend. Regardless of gender, the fact that the two of you have never met, means that your “relationship” relies on your ability to communicate with one another. One thing I have learned about the internet is that folks tend to feel more comfortable expressing themselves and being open about personal matters that they ordinarily would not be comfortable expressing in person. Folks generally feel “safe” in cyber space. How is your communication with your fiance? If he were someone you ommunicated with soley online, would you feel a connection with him? Which leads me to my next point.
Sometimes we build people up in our minds, and believe that they are greater than they really are or that they will be able to fulfill a void in our lives. If you really and truly believe that you need to explore your sexuality further before committing to your fiance, by marrying him then you need to be honest with yourself and with him. In other words, you need to do some serious soul searching because if you think you would hurt him by breaking off the engagement now, think of how much it will hurt him if 5 or 10 years down the line and into your marriage, you come to the realization that you are either a lesbian or you still feel a void in your relationship, and decide you need a divorce. Is there any way that you can have an honest discussion about this with your fiance without him freaking out?
I don’t want to be dismissive of your feelings for the woman you are communicating with, but are you simply excited about the idea of something new? Something that might be a little taboo? Because if that is all that this is about then like one prior post said, you should cut off all ties with the online friend.
Can you elaborate on the “feelings” that you say this woman has conjured up in you? Also, when is your wedding?
Post # 9
@ArtDecoLisa: Thank you so much for your reply, and also everyone else for the replies above.
My wedding is in 5 months time. I first want to make it clear that I have no intention of meeting the woman I speak to online. She lives in another country to me, anyway. She has just made me aware of feelings that I have not had before, and that is why she is important in the explanation. If I did choose to split up from my fiance, it would not be to be with her (although if she lived closer, maybe that would be different).
When I say something is missing in my relationship (and previous relationships), I mean a physical attraction/desire. We do have sex, but it has always felt like something was missing. However you’re right, I think communication is part of the problem. Because I have always felt like something was missing (even entering the relationship, because of my previous experiences), I have never spent much time as perhaps I should have, discussing what I like physically. That’s because I didn’t know, tbh, and as I mentioned in previous posts I have always thought it was a problem with myself, not the relationship. We communicate well about other aspects of life and our relationship, though. He is the most supportive, caring person I know. He currently works away, though, and I don’t get to see him very often. But I don’t find I miss him as much as I should do. Although, if I imagine that I only ever speak to him online, having never met in real life, we would definitely have a connection. As I said, we get on so well and we have the same beliefs and moral values. We have the same sense of humour and hobbies too. I do find him attractive too… but if I’m honest I’ve never really found him as attractive naked as with pants on. I once discussed this with a gay male friend of mine and he thought this was strange but at the time I figured that maybe men are more focused on ‘physical’ things and that was the difference.
However when I speak to my online friend, I can imagine being with her in a physical sense. Imagining or actually being with my fiance or any other guy has never brought feelings like this. Sorry for the crudeness…
Post # 10
Wow what a complicated situation! I’m so sorry you are going through this! My advice is to forget the girl for a minute. Picture your future with FI as your husband. Do you see yourself being happy? Satisfied? Or do you see yourself unhappy and regretful? If you think you can be happy with theis man and want to be with him then marry him. If you honestly don’t think that you will be happy in the marriage, or satisfied, then I think you know marrying him is not the answer.
Now, bringing the other girl into the picture, I would tread very very carefully. I have had “on-line flings” I guess you could call it, and it is very very easy to fall for someone on-line. People tend to open up more than they would in person, which is refreshing and means you get to a “deeper” level of connection much more quickly than you would in person. It can also be very decieving, and feelings can be very easily confused. On-line you have more time to think and type out what you want to say, whereas when speaking you do not have that luxury. It’s also easier to read and reread coversations to re-live them. None of these “on-line” relationships I had actually ever panned out to be anything real. I’m not saying it’s always this way, but it often is.
Back to you and your FI… I know you love him and don’t want to hurt him (because yes it would be a HUGE blow and seemingly come from nowhere from his perspective), BUT I think you do need to be selfish here. Don’t marry him just because you don’t want to hurt him. Look at it this way: if you married him knowing you wouldnt be happy, it’s really unfair for him. Eventually he will probably realize you are unhappy and not satisfied, which would hurt him a lot more in the long run, and be an even bigger ego-hurt that can can’t satisfy his wife in marriage. If you do decide you can be with him now, he will be hurt, but may someday in the future look back as thank you for being honest and not put him through something that would hurt him more.
This is not easy. Take a minute, step back, take a deep breath. I would maybe stop talking to this girl for a while to feel out your own relationship with you FI without any outside influence. Be very mindful of your feelings, even keep a journal or take an inventory of your feelings. After a week or two, go back and read it. Then decide.
Best luck to you OP! Stay strong!
Post # 11
This sounds really tough, I’m sorry. I do wonder if it means something that you aren’t attracted to him with his clothes off and never have been. It’s so hard to say though bc it sounds like you may have only been with him? So is it only with him or with all guys? Even though i’ve been with my DH for 4 years and he’s no my physical ideal, I do find him very hot naked. I love um…all his parts. But I’m also a very sexual person. What are your previous experiences if you don’t mind sharing?
in any case, I do think seeing a therapist, even just a few times, would be helpful. I do think like other PPs hav said you should think about whether you can be happy missing sexual attraction in your marriage. It’s ok to need that even though others can do without.
Post # 12
@sept22insf: Thanks again for all the replies… you’re all very helpful and I’m grateful. You’re right, I barely have any experience before him and what I do have, was the same. At the time I put it down to being young and immature and not really feeling like ‘a sexual person’ as yet. But it didn’t change very much.
The thing is, my fiance lives away right now for work so I don’t get to see him too often. That is why I had time to form online friendships. Today I saw him though and he was so sweet and cute that I thought I could never say anything to hurt him. It was also a day where my family all got together and they did nothing but talk about the wedding plans and I literally felt so guilty I had to stop myself crying.
My fiance was also so good with the young kids in my family and it just made me wish so much that I felt more physically attracted to him as that is the only thing missing 🙁 I’m confused more than ever now.
But about my online friend, I know I need to remove her from the equation as it is because of her that all this has suddenly come to a head (although maybe that’s a good thing). I am in no way suggesting there is any future with her, I’m just saying that talking to her gives me feelings that I don’t have in my relationship (and previous relationships with men). As you said, in ‘real life’ these may not exist with her either.
Post # 13
@hollyberry4: I particularly want to thank you for your reply btw… you seem to really be able to ‘put yourself in my shoes’ for a minute, which is so helpful 🙂
Post # 14
I think you should look at that you talk to this woman each night… Like you looked outside your relationship and it was there. I would look into that more than it be a man or woman.
Having doubts and having feelings for another person aren’t the same things. I would go talk to someone and be honest with your current partner. Until you figure this out, stop talking to her. She’s not helping and could be assisting you in covering the real issue. I hope you have good luck. Hugs.
Post # 15
Maybe you are BI/ Bi curious and the feelings are just curiousity?
Maybe I’m super wrong tho –
Post # 16
Also right after our marriage I was having major … depression issues.. thinking about divorce- but whats helped me get back in the swing is serving my husband- making him happy instead of my self…
its helped ALot!