(Closed) Having doubts – need advice!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
12833 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds to me like you both need to get on the same page, with everything.  Have you tried relationship counseling so there is a neutral intermediary help discuss these issues?  I don’t like to suggest ending relationships, but it sounds like you both want two very, very different things. 

Post # 4
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@bride2be2:  if youre having doubts you should postpone the wedding until you figure them out. If you can’t fix it maybe youre better off being friends

Post # 5
Member
6721 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

You’re talking about some serious issues here, ie wanting kids or not and your hard earned, well managed money.  You sound unusually wise about your financial future.  Too wise to put it at risk with this man child.

ITA about giving counseling a try and postponing the wedding.  You have issues which are about as serious as they come.

 

If you do decide to marry him, please see an attorney to be sure to protect your assets from him.

Post # 6
Member
9626 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bride2be2:   I really feel for you.  I had some of those same concerns in my first marriage, before marrying my ex-husband.  The difference is I ignored my negative gut feelings and went ahead with the wedding anyway.  Guess what?  I woke up in the morning of the first day of my honeymoon, my first day as a married woman, with a feeling of dread and fear.  The thought popped in my mind, “What did I do???”  I should have listened to my gut ahead of time.  Twelve years later, years that included a lot of hell, I divorced him and became a single mother.

Please listen to your gut. 

I was very lucky to meet the love of my life many years later, and am now incredibly, blissfully happily married.  I never had the slightest  doubt about my husband before we were married.  And in the morning when I woke up as his wife, I felt blessed, honored, lucky and deliriously in love.  Still feel that way!  (Four months later, lol).  🙂

If you have these serious doubts, it’s a sign this man may not be the right one for you to marry.  Postponing the wedding is a wise idea.

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My answer might be something about cold feet, if your post had been a rant about dirty laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink.  But money and kids??  Oooooh, these are not small nit-picky things to notice!  These are huge red flags in your relationship – only red because you guys don’t seem to share values about them, at all – and you absolutely NEED to get yourselves on the same page before moving forward!  Kudos to you for recognizing it, that is the first all-important step.  Get some pre-marital counseling and make damn sure you both express how you see those issues resolving in the future and commit to it – BEFORE you commit to him forever!!  Best of luck, like a PP said, you sound unusually wise – please trust yourself and your instincts, and you’ll be okay. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bride2be2:  I would definitely postpone the wedding. At 7 months before the wedding you should be feeling happy, secure, excited, and have solid plans about what a life together looks like. It should be a very positive experience, not one that is filled with any doubt at all.

As a person who had doubts myself…6 months before my previous marriage, I can relate to the previous poster who spoke of waking up and wondering what she did. My instincts were correct…my marriage ended in divorce, financial ruin (that I am still dealing with a decade later), and two kids that I have raised (until recently) alone.

Save yourself the emotional and financial heartache by….pausing…listening…planning…as you are doing. It doesn’t mean you need to leave him or break up. It is possible that he needs some time to mature. Move your date to 2017.

I just don’t see a rush for marriage in this day and age when we have the chance to take our time and figure things out.

Post # 9
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

He recently mentioned to me he’s not sure if he wants kids–that he doesn’t really care and he’ll let me be the one to decide. This really shocked me. I feel like if you are going to have kids, you have to truly want them. It is a BIG committment — and I feel like if we do have kids, I will always be wondering if he wants them in his life or if he just made a ‘sacrifice’ and had them because I wanted to.

I’m not sure he’ll be making that much of a sacrifice….. My fear for you is that he is going to let you do the lion’s share of raising them as well. 

To me…. these are BIG things.  I have been divorced twice over different “fundamentals”.  The first time it was life goals and money.  The 2nd time it was parenting styles.

Please do not make the mistake of marrying someone “just because you love them”.  LOVE does not make a marriage.  Love does not conquer all.  Love does not heal all wounds.  It is about making decisions with someone.  Building a life with someone.  Binding yourself to them with the choices that you make each and every day.

 

I know you’ve only been engaged six months.  How long have you been together total?  You say “I just can’t get these feelings of hesitation out of my mind and I don’t want to walk down the aisle and realize ten years down the road that I should’ve listened to my gut“. 

One thing I can tell you with 100% confidence is that it will not take you 10 years to realize you should have listened to your gut.  How old are you?  because unless you are 20 (which I don’t think you are)…. you probably don’t even have 5 years to waste in a marriage to someone with whom you are not on the same page. 

Do a timeline.

 

Let’s say you are 25.  If you’re divorced by 30, youll probably date 4 years until you find the “one” again.  Because it’s MUCH tougher as you get older and once you’re divorced.  Mostly because YOU become pickier.  But once you find the one, again…..  Let’s say it takes you a year of dating before you’re comfortable discussing marriage, so you’ll be at least 35 when you get engaged.  Will you TTC RIGHT AWAY?  Or will you want some time with your new husband?  If you wait a couple years…. now you’re about 38 before you even begin to TTC.  If it takes you a year to get pregnant….. Now you’re 39 when you get pregnant and 40 when you deliver.  Let’s say he’s 5 years older than you…… He’s 45.  How many kids did you want?  Because it just got REALLY hard for you to concieve now that you’re over 40.  On the bright side….. how do you feel about step-kids?  Because odds are he’ll have one or more.

 

I don’t mean to digress.  But I’ve seen this EXACT thing happen to too many people I know (sheepishly raises own hand).  All of sudden their life wasn’t they way they planned…. and not in a good “oh, we were poor and then won the lottery” kind of way.  But in a way that you can’t get back.

 

This is a BIG decision.  For anyone.  But it’s a bigger decision for you…. because it’s turning out not to be easy.  which means you have choices to make, priorities to consider.  You have YOUR own sacrifices to make if you marry him, because HE is not going to change.  How important is owning a home?  Will you be happy renting because you don’t have the credit to buy?  How important is having children?  Important enough that you do most of the child rearing and housework and work full time?  For some it is.  But these are choices that you need to make conscientiously.  Because otherwise they will just happen to you.  Excpet they didn’t.  Because you saw the signs before you married him.

 

I feel for you.  I really do.  Because for some reason your post took me back to decisions I wish I would have made differently.  I hope your decisions work out better for you.

Post # 10
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Finances are one of the biggest challenges married couples face. And kids can be an even bigger cause of stress. I agree with PPs that pre-marital counseling is a must for you two.

Post # 11
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Another Encore Bride… who SHOULD HAVE listened more closely to her gut / women’s intuition

Breaking up is hard… harder still if you are engaged… but a true walk thru H3LL if you are married to one another (something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy)

I wouldn’t say this relationship is doomed… but you guys do seem to have a very serious different set of values from one another (and on more than one issue)

My best advice… is go for some Pre-Wedding Couples Counselling, to find out WHERE you are… and HOW either of you intend on dealing with these differences inside of your Marriage

(Noting here that Money and Parenting issues are two of the most argued points in a marriage… rounded out by Personal Space / Independence, Inlaws and Chores)

So I wouldn’t postpone the Wedding just yet… just insist that you go get some Pre-Marriage Counselling for info purposes / insight

Trust, me it won’t take long into the process, that you’ll see what is what… be that by what he says, or what he does outside of the sessions (remember actions speak waaay more than words ever do)

THEN if you still have doubts, then is the time you have to maybe do a big re-think

LOVE is grand, marriage can be great… but a Marriage is a lot more than just love.  Marriage really is more of a business partership than most people actually realize… and so you have to be on the same page a lot more than not to make a success of it.

Hope this helps,

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Hi,

Writing about something like this and speaking to others about the problems is helping you realise the biggerpicture. im almost certain that you have been thinking abput these problems and keeping this to yourself for a whilre before even admitting to or wanting to speak about it, and that is the first big step.

you say you love this man, but are you really happy. do you wake up thinking that life couldnt be better and that the way he treats you, no other man could match ? this is the way you should feel  before the wedding.

I called off a wedding to my ex fiance 7 months before the wedding day as I just knew myself that despite loving him, and him loving me, it wasnt the way I wanted to be loved, or wanted to be treated . We had different life values, expectations and goals and I had to be honest with myself.

It was the best decision, but the hardest I have ever made.Three years on, I am due to marry the most wonderful man I could ever dream of. Happiness is out there waiting for you to realise it.

It is difficult, but it is your life and you need to make hard decisions to ensure to live it happily.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@bride2be2:  money is the root of all evil, and is the major cause of fights in a household. If this dude can’t get his priorities straight, you’ll be in with a lot of pain. You are a wise women. While you claim to still love him, with a string of disappointments, you might end up resenting him. 

Think with your brain, and not your heart this time my dear…

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